But it's different this time.
After we lost Eli I was so incredibly sad, understandably. It was a shot to the gut after I thought he was such a blessing since we were able to conceive him on our own and thought he was just meant to be with us. But now, after losing Collin, I'm finding myself very angry. Not AT any one or any particular thing just angry. I don't know if it's because I'm just moving through the grief process faster this time since I can't even remove the events of the last 11 months from each other. Maybe I'm angry at myself for letting my guard down and thinking that there's no way that I would continue to move further and further into that one tenth of one percent or whatever minuscule probability it is that I would experience a loss like this again. Let's not forget that the perinatalogist told me that there's no greater chance for me to lose another pregnancy than the next person... oh, two losses ago?
On the other hand I can eat a hot dog and drink a coke without the guilt of what it's going to potentially do to my baby. Hips? another story. Or I can take a super hot bath, use zit creme, go tanning or whiten my teeth.
I'd rather have my baby.
It's not up to me though. I did everything "right". I took my prenatal, my 81 mg of Aspirin and my DHA supplement every night. I could tell that Dr. B was quite taken aback by the situation. He just looked at me and said "why does this keep happening?" He reviewed my NT scan before I got there for my appointment and I think he fully thought that I was going to have a baby in there who had just been playing peek-a-boo.
Oh, how I wish.
He kept reminding me of Karleigh and Rylan and how that does give him hope for live birth number three, but do I want to go there? Time does ease the pain but it does not heal it. At least it hasn't for me yet. And unless none of us has noticed, neither of us is getting any younger. And where? where do I set my limit? I have dealt with infertility and as so very hard as that is I have a hard time understanding why I would continue to be blessed with pregnancies but no baby in the end. Stupid me thought it would actually end happily this time and it made my skin crawl every time someone said "if" this baby comes home, or makes it, or this pregnancy works out. I admit that I thought in those terms too at times though. And that makes me angry too. What gave me the right to think anything other than the best for this pregnancy?
It's a process to start all over again. I find myself "blogging in my head" a lot again. Not talking to myself like a crazy woman (yet) just thinking through things nearly constantly. I have a woman's brain that never rests anyway, and that's when there's nothing all that interesting going on. So you can imagine the noise between my ears now. I'm sure I'll be blogging more frequently again since that does help this process, to get it down in black and white (so to speak) and get it out of my head so other, hopefully more healing thoughts can filter in.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Although I've never m/c'd as late as 13wks, I understand your anger, frustration, and heart-broken sorrow. We, too, don't have any answers for our multiple losses but my RE has prescribe Lovenox as a theory. You can check out the 'Lovely Lovenox Ladies' on BabyCenter for more info and many more success stories. They give me hope, since I don't have much left. You are on our prayer board as you have the D&C and try to heal thereafter. Sincere hugs...
Kristi- Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you this morning.
Kristi - Somedays our lives don't feel as our own... like your so numb that you are watching a nightmare unfold before your eyes. You deserve really the sweetest of dreams and rainbows everywhere. Continue to hold on - better times must be around the corner... they just must be!
Still in our hearts and prayers. Thinking of you often.
-h
I sit here angry FOR you! It kills me inside to hear that you have to go through this again. When I was preg with Lucas, I got very similar comments about "if he is early" & "if there are problems like the first 2" & "if he goes into NICU". Though I gave my pregnancy to God in every way, when I heard those comments, I have to admit, I'd step back and also think of the "if's". It's hard not to. But then I would step back up, and say, IF that happens, God is in control. Lucas was early, just like my older 2. But he was different in so many ways. I think God wanted me to let go and let Him take control. God is still in control in my home. He is the only thing that keeps me sane!
Saying that, I hope it gives you some comfort knowing that even though things don't go exactly the way we want them to God has a plan for our lives. I pray His healing hands are on you and your family now. Take comfort in His love for He loves you so very much! Also take comfort in knowing you have so many prayers coming from so many people who love you too!
Post a Comment