A Week Gone By...

I used to be the type of girl who laughed until I cried and now I seem to cry until I laugh. I'm not quite sure when the happy-go-lucky me disappeared. Was it after Eli died? I honestly don't remember. I suppose it could have been before but aside from the "little" infertility issue - trying for over 4 years, and losing 2 pregnancies, before holding our first baby - life was pretty good.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a very good life. A great husband with a solid job that enables me to stay at home, a cute little house with sprawling property to call home and raise our kids, a few integral friends and family who drop their problems just to ask about mine. What more could I need? Not much, but there is something more that I want.

I want to understand how I "lucked out" and was given this really long, repeating chapter in my life. Every time it's the same yet different. I'm having the same conversations in my head that I was having 11 months ago. Just weird. I was reading back through some of my early posts from last year and it was just all so fresh again. To the point where I thought, huh? maybe I should just link back to those past posts and save myself some time. I feel like I had better insight last year. That bugs me. One would think with losing Eli and 3 more babies before Collin just this year, under my belt, that I would be better at this... or something like that.

I've been praying for the peace that I am looking for but at this point, peace is not what I'm feeling. Numbness would be a better description I suppose. I'm wondering if maybe I'm just pushing things aside until it's "easier" to deal with them. I don't think it will ever be easy though. Last week seems like so long ago, yet last year feels like it was just a week ago. I'd like to think that I've been really good about not having a "poor me" attitude but I do find myself looking at issues that other people voice and thinking "gee, what a problem to have... wanna trade?" I'm sure that I have to be on the other side of that for someone else, you know - the grass is always greener and all that stuff. I have had people "guess" what I'm feeling clearer than I can describe it lately so that does seem to help me justify? my feelings or at least not feel so crazy.