Bring In 'Da Funk...

Ahhhh, and there it is.

The funk that I was fearing has arrived. It's more like uber-pms but we all know that I'm not and actually I don't much, thanks to my messed up hormones. I guess that's a blessing. But anyway, I digress as usual. The funk is here. It manifests itself in me being tired, grumpy and easily annoyed while lacking true motivation. The motivation is in my head but when it comes down to actually doing anything, I can't... or don't. Perhaps it's the change coming in the weather but I think I can place blame elsewhere and not just barometric pressure changes. Honestly, I think that I would feel even worse if this all just passed by without phasing me. I mean, who does that? And while I'm not really glad, per say, that I'm in a funk, I think I'd be really concerned if I wasn't.

I know that I need to just get up and keep busy and that will help but at the same time, I know I need to deal with the grief of losing Collin. He was our child. He was supposed to be our Rainbow Baby but for some unknown reason, again, he will not get to live a full life. No keeping us up at all hours of the night, no fighting with his siblings, no holidays, no teenage angst. Anyway, I'm also sure that part of my "issue" is that this was the week that I was really looking forward to. This was the week in my pregnancy with Collin that I was going to surpass my loss date with Eli - Jim's birthday would have been 16 weeks 3 days with Collin. We didn't make it. The best that I can hope for now is that I finally stop spotting by his birthday. It's been over two weeks. I'm more than bored with being reminded of it constantly. My heart already does that.

Also, the grief nesting has officially kicked in again. In an effort to gain some sort of control over things, after we lost Eli I re-did the living room, dining room, our guest room / office and the downstairs bathroom and then moved on to working in the yard for the rest of the summer. The "nesting" this time will have to be focused upstairs in the bedrooms. I've already picked up some things for Karleigh's "new" room and collected others from around the house. She's also helping pick colors, styles and talking about furniture arrangement even though options are very limited in their tiny 1920's bedrooms. It feels like I just painted her room when she moved in from the nursery but she moved right after she turned 18 months old so no surprise that things need to be freshened up after 3 1/2 years! Rylan will not be left out as I've picked up a few things for him and other things also around the place that I'm planning on using in his room. I still need to take down the remaining vintage airplane decorations and replace them with sports items. We have a couple of cool, old wood bats and gloves that have been around here for forever and baseballs from Jim's college days that I want to use, I just need to decide exactly how. But again, I digress. Shocking huh!?

Anyway, the grief is not as mild as I had hoped and that would explain why I've been a bit quiet. Since Lacey left yesterday morning, I've been trying to nap when the kids nap and when they're up I've been trying to stay off of the computer (resolutions, remember!) Jim actually scored two days off in a row and a third one later in the week so hopefully if I'm quiet in the coming days it's because I'm actually accomplishing something and not just thinking about it.