Onward and Forward

It might be an small understatement to say that I'm beyond ready to kick 2009 out the door. I think back to this time last year and it was just so full of promise. We had our NT scan with Collin, were told he was a totally healthy baby boy, we rang in the New Year being so thankful that 2009 was going to bring us what 2008 couldn't. At some point the next day his heart stopped. What a way to start 2009.

2009 wasn't a total bummer though...
a 2 week visit from Auntie Lacey
zoo trips
an excellent vacation to Whitefish, MT
our 10th wedding anniversary
5 lost teeth
a new kindergartner
new puppy Max
hikes in the gorge
a new preschooler
a wonderful beach trip
winter snowstorms
record summer heat
new bikes
starting Daisy Scouts
visits with grandma and grandpa
play dates
birthday parties

and a healthy baby girl on the way.

Christmas

I hope you all have had a merry one!

Cut to the Chase

I'm going to cut to the chase... this holiday season has been a rough one on me. I have been a total Grinch this year. My attitude stinks, I don't really want to have much to do with Christmas, etc. etc. and that irritates me which just makes the attitude even worse. Sure, I could blame it on hormones but I'm going to be realistic and I really can't place the blame on hormones. Maybe they don't help but I'm pretty confident in saying "it's all me."

This is the third Christmas in a row that I've been pregnant (and the 4th Christmas that I've been pregnant in the last 7 years) of course that also means that I have a birthday party to finish up planning for next week. I think that part of the "mood" has to do with the mixed emotions of this time of year. I wish I could put it more clearly but I can't even really wrap my head around it.

I'm sure there's some pregnancy anxiety and depression in there too since I'm already at an increased risk for it given my history. I'm really trying to let go and let God and using breathing techniques to try to calm my nerves but the fear and anxiety can grab me at any moment without warning. For instance tonight, putting Rylan's clothes away and all of a sudden the nerves, butterflies, racing heart and negative thoughts started... I was putting his underwear away. I'm certainly getting quite a schooling in feeling out of control. I will mention it to Dr. C at my appointment which is tomorrow (Christmas Eve).

But, I've been going about doing what needs to be done around here, even if I'm not "feeling it" this year. The tree was "hunted", put up and decorated. The gifts have been purchased and wrapped, mostly thanks to Jim. The house is clean and decorated even if it did take at least 3 weeks to do it.
The kids participated in all of their school activities cookie party with the parents for Rylan's class, a book exchange and movie day for Karleigh's class, food drives for both, lots of arts and crafts and a sing-a-long for the primary classes. Ever the entertainer, it was a joy to watch all of Karleigh's expressions as they sang "Up on the Housetop". And since it was a sing-a-long instead of a 'concert', Rylan had a blast even though the preschool didn't participate and it didn't even start until their usual bed time.

We even had some snow up here earlier this week. I didn't bother to take pics because it was enough to cover the ground but not really enough for the kids to play in. Max did seem to like eating it though. He looks so cute and innocent though doesn't he?Ugh. Wrong. Not only are the kids bouncing off the walls with Christmas excitement, the dog is losing his mind too. I'm sure much of it is him feeding off the "crazies" coming from the kids. In the last 24 hours he has peed on the carpet (which he just doesn't do), eaten Christmas light bulbs, chewed up a heavy duty extension cord, destroyed an entire string of lights, found a beer can and brought it back to the yard to chew up (I'm sensing a theme...), threw up in the house (gee, I wonder why!?) and has just been a total whack-ado overall.

Things are going really well with the pregnancy, as far as I can tell. She moves a ton which helps keep me positive. We've started purchasing things and have received the new crib and crib bedding. I received two boxes full of brand new cloth diapers from a girl friend who isn't using them and I ordered a couple of different diapers over the last couple of days. Psst, I'm kind of excited! My sciatic nerve is on fire these days but I also know that it'll eventually go away. if I could just remove my pelvis, I'd be feeling (physically) about 100% these days. But I'm not complaining. I know that it's all just so temporary.

I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas Eve!

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful for friends who keep me on my toes... who encourage me and who have been great cheerleaders throughout this pregnancy. I'm thankful for the "pestering" to take, and share, a belly picture. A belly picture that actually has a live, thriving baby in it.


I'm thankful for heartburn and sciatica and symphysis pubic dysfunction. Really. I am!


I'm thankful for kicks, thumps and bumps and being able to watch my tummy dance.



Yes, I am thankful!

Which Came First?

Rylan: Mommy? How did the baby get in your tummy?
Karleigh: I'll tell you. See, mommy has these things in her tummy called eggs. They're teeny tiny.
Rylan: Really?
Karleigh: Yes, really. And when it's time for her to have a baby... well... (long, thoughtful pause) they grow and then hatch into a bubble and grow and grow until the baby is born.
Rylan: Ohhhhhhh.
Karleigh: ...kind of like a chicken!

Ah, she was so close! Ü

Wordless Wednesday, Zoolights Edition

More Details

I cannot believe it's been almost a week since we saw our baby girl and I last blogged anything about it! The Thanksgiving holiday was quite nice, held some feelings of relief and of course, many feelings of thankfulness.

Our little baby girl and her cute little profile!

She proved to be quite a mover and a shaker and our ultrasound tech was so very, very thorough including asking me, halfway through the scan, to get up, use the bathroom and 'do whatever it takes' to move baby girl around so she could get not only great shots of all 4 heart chambers but of the valves in motion as well. Baby girl stayed where she needed to for about 15 seconds. The tech played the capture forwards and backwards in slow motion over and over again and I will admit I started to get really nervous and think "oh, here we go again" while praying but at the same time I thought I knew enough about human anatomy and physiology to see that everything was normal... and it was. We actually didn't find out girl vs. boy until the very end after she got all the views that she needed and all three of us almost forgot!

On to more pics:

Sweet tiny feet! And a perfect looking spine.

A slightly less skeleton face. And the "girl proof"!

We FINALLY told the kids about their baby sister and it went over so well. They are so thrilled but Karleigh, much like her mommy, is hopeful but cautious. Jim and I were sitting on the couch at my parents house, doing a little online shopping, and Karleigh came over and asked it the items in the 'shopping bag' were for our friends baby girl.
Jim said "nope, they're for your baby sister."
Karleigh "huh, I don't have a baby sister."
Jim "Actually, you do."
And I handed her the ultrasound photos.

She just looked at us and kind of started to cry her happy tears. And said "Really!?! I have a baby sister!?! Oh my gosh!"

She dove right into the photos labelling them all until she got to the last one which was the "girl shot" and then she laughed that we had pics of girl parts.

She ran up to the kitchen where Rylan was probably bumming food off of my mom and yelled "Rylan, Rylan, we're going to have a baby sister! Mommy has a baby girl in her tummy!"

He came running down to look at the pics and looked all giddy with his hands over his gaping mouth. Of course, shortly after, he asked if she was hiding behind the couch, then he asked if uncle David was bringing her with him... we spent quite a bit of time talking about how far away Spring is. And then... he ran off like a typical 4 year old boy!

Karleigh continued to shop with us and kicked Jim out of his seat. And then her questions and comments started.
"I hope our baby sister doesn't die in your tummy like our baby brother did."
"Well, we HOPE we're going to have a baby sister."
"Is she as big as our Eli was when he died?"

"Can we go listen to her heartbeat?"
"I've been waiting and waiting and waiting like 2 years for you to have a baby!"
"Let's go shopping!"

And Rylan's questions
"Why don't you just spit her out now momma?"

"We need a stroller for our baby sitter... siss-ter!"

I'm glad to have the "announcement" out of the way and just about at the last possible moment. My tummy really popped out this last weekend and I 'had' to buy a pair of maternity pants. Karleigh is on us to nail down a name so she doesn't have to keep calling her "baby sister" and has threatened to just call her Lilly until we decide differently. Ü She's happy that we're working on it.

I did finally buy a few things for the little one including a couple little outfits (that my mom will get to see first when the box arrives at her house!) and a boppy pillow cover. I know, nothing big but that IS a big step for me. I also went through our box of baby clothes and yah, all those things I cleaned out, sold and donated when I was pregnant with Eli but didn't know it yet... are all still not in the basement! I have a couple pair of pj's and that's about it. Which just means more sale shopping!

Anyway. We're thrilled that things look just perfect. Life around here has continued on as well, it's certainly not all about baby. We're taking the kids to Zoo Lights tonight, Rylan is certainly "exploring" his defiant side... which he was also doing before the baby info so that's not it... it's just him, being four. I haven't used my doppler in 3 days because I can feel her wiggling and moving so often. So, after the holidays, we will probably start the painting that needs to be done in order for the room shifting to take place.

I feel like I'm in a really good place. Not necessarily totally confident that everything will be ok but I'm totally at peace with the fact that she is not Eli nor Collin and that's ok. She alive because they aren't but I'm also not pining for them if that makes sense. Pregnancy loss sucks but I'm also really excited to see what the future holds!

And...

And the most important thing... she looks totally perfect!

More details to come later.

Been a Long Time

I have been doing my very best to keep myself busy. At least where I'm at now, you can assume that no news is good news. I'm fighting the anxiety every day and sadly, still in that 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' kind of state. But so far, I'm fine and baby is alive.

Last week Jim and the kids all came down with a bug. A different bug for all of them but nasty none the less. Thankfully, I managed to escape without catching anything. That can only be thanks to lots of prayers, lots of hand washing, gargling with salt water and taking my vitamins. I wrestled an awful lot with the whole H1N1 vaccine and seasonal flu vaccine issue. It's just so horrible as a pregnant mom. It feels very much a case of darned if you do, darned if you don't. You don't get the vaccine and you end up in the hospital and hopefully you and your baby survive. You do get the vaccine and you cross your fingers and pray that there are no negative side effects.

I decided a while ago against getting the vaccine. With my history of vaccine reaction... which was only one vaccine but a two month (at least) long reaction (and I haven't carried a pregnancy to term since). I decided that I would not introduce anything extra into my system and do my best to stay healthy and quickly react if I started to show signs of illness. I've spent months questioning this decision but I am very at peace with it now. It makes me so sad to see (I'm a group co-owner on several boards on a parenting website) loss after loss. Many of them "coincidentally" coinciding with receiving the H1N1 vaccine. Sadly, the only thing they can do is report it to the CDC on the VAERS website. They all have been the same, go in, check on baby, baby is great, get vaccine, go back in 4 weeks later, no heartbeat, double check with u/s and baby measures nearly to the date of the last appointment. And these aren't all early losses, we're talking 24, 25 weekers too.

Moving on! I've really been working at keeping the anxiety in check since tomorrow is our "big" anatomy scan and hopefully this little one cooperates so we can find out which way the scales are going to tip. I really, honestly, truly just want alive and healthy. We have one of each and really have no preference. However, I will admit that I'm terrified that it's going to be a boy. I would LOVE another boy but given my apparent inability to keep boys alive lately, it scares me. I would be thrilled to have a boy but I'm afraid that, with a boy, I won't be able to relax to the point that I might be able to with a girl.

When we found out that Collin was a boy, again, I did cry a little. Partly because I was afraid that I would lose him too and partly out of relief that maybe I would be able to just kind of pick up where we left off with Eli. Of course we know how that turned out. So, I think that makes this "finding out the sex thing" kind of tough. Of course the planner in me would never be able to choose to NOT know. I also think it will be easier, when we tell the kids, to tell them "what" to expect. That should alleviate any of the "I want a ________!" issues since it is what it is anyway, without having to have a deep discussion about it... hopefully. But science loving Karleigh may ask more questions, and that's ok.

It is reassuring to sit here and "worry" while getting my bladder and bellybutton kicked and punched. Jim was even able to feel a nice strong knee? elbow? last week.

We'll be spending Thanksgiving up at my parent's house, the kids and I will stay the whole weekend while Jim has to come back down and work some u-g-l-y hours this weekend. But I will try to pop on before we leave and post how it went. 9:45 am Pacific time tomorrow... breathe in, breathe out...

Onward

We've now gone past the point where I delivered Eli. I don't know what I expected to feel.
Joyful?
Thankful?
Relieved?
Excited?
Hopeful?
Comfortable?
Yah, kind of all those things. And I do, to an extent. But I also feel really emotionally drained and tired. Weird, I know.

Now it's time to move onward. This has felt like the longest week in history but it's nice to have it behind us. There have been lots of prayers for peace, patience, a beating heart. So far, so good.

It seems like I've started reporting the reality here and most of the emotional stuff has gone out the window, so to speak. I suppose it's likely that it's part of the self preservation or coping mechanism that I've developed over time. Who knows! Either way, the holidays are fast approaching and hopefully we'll be able to enjoy them and the promise that we pray they hold.

Cruise Control

I had my 16 week appointment this afternoon. Of course I checked heart tones this morning and baby was still kicking away so going to the appointment wasn't as full of anxiety as it could have been but it's still a little weird.

It was very quick (except for waiting for Dr. C!) the whole pee, blood pressure, weight thing and then listen to heart tones... which were 160-ish this afternoon. We also scheduled the anatomy scan and next appointment for 3 weeks out. Hopefully those three weeks will go by quickly and everything will continue, on cruise control, as Dr. C says.

Trying to Ignore Time

The reality is, is that I can't just ignore time. I sure wish I could though. I do know it's been a long time since I blogged though.

And believe me, I feel a bit guilty about it.

I have been trying to ignore time though. This is a really anxiety filled time in this pregnancy for me. In fact, if you add the 4 days ahead that this baby was measuring a few weeks ago, to the gestational date where I sit today, it's literally same time that Eli's heart stopped beating. It's just crazy to me. I feel at such a different place than I did when I was beyond shocked to lose him.

The kids did not have school last week due to parent teacher conferences so Jim also took one of his weeks of vacation. It was nice to get out and do some things as a family without really focusing on a day other than to make sure we didn't completely miss an appointment or something. It was a pretty busy week too which was nice.

Here are just a few pics of some of the things that we did, in no particular order of course!


We hit up our local wildlife refuge... again... the kids love this place. Fall is certainly here! It really is a lot of fun to return to the same place, multiple times a year to watch it change with the seasons.

We took the kids to see Disney on Ice in Portland. They loved it! It was a neat show with lots and lots of music and skating. We snapped a family pic in reflection of the Rose Garden.

For Halloween, we went to my parent's house for a few days. The kids went to the carnival at mom's school on Friday dressed as Little Miss Muffet and a spider and totally enjoyed themselves. Then they trick-or-treated a little bit on Saturday and certainly acquired plenty of cavity inducing goodies.
Speaking of cavities and such... Karleigh lost yet another tooth! And gained a cavity. The fact that this is her first is pretty good. I had horrible baby teeth loaded with decay. Luckily, my permanent teeth came in good and strong and I don't even remember what get a filling is like. She'll get hers filled tomorrow. We also found out that just as soon as her 6 year molars come in, we'll start her orthodontic work. Oy! Luckily we have coverage with our insurance. Her jaw is just too small for the teeth that are on their way in. I'm sure she'll end up with an expander to help make room. I had the same done, but not until high school and that wasn't because of crooked teeth but an attempt to combat my TMJ issues.

We managed to make it out to the pumpkin patch when the weather was beautiful. We had had a long day but the kids still had fun!

We even snapped a pic of us during the hayride. We had originally planned on hitting the same farm where Karleigh had her field trip a few weeks ago but it was insanely packed... thousands of people. So, we drove out to our regular pumpkin patch that we've been going to since before Karleigh was one and it was perfect! We had much more space to ourselves and we were even the only ones on the hayride at the time. Oh, and after getting home and seeing this picture... I gave Jim a haircut!

So, I've been trying to ignore time by just keeping myself busy. I do have another Doc appointment on Wednesday while the kids are in school so I'm hoping, of course, that it goes well. I'm also hoping that, at that time, I'll get to schedule the "big" ultrasound. I'm hoping after that that I'll be able to start thinking about bringing a live baby home and not just hospital bills and memory boxes.

Normal

"Normal" is so nice.
"Normal" is all I asked for.

While in the shower this morning I got to thinking "huh, it's been 8 days since my 1st trimester screening. I wonder how my blood numbers were?" Then I proceeded to have a discussion in my head about the fact that the maternal fetal medicine office said that they would call if the results were abnormal and would just mail me a card if... when!... they returned normal. I got out of the shower, dressed and the phone rang.

Unknown Name
Unknown Number

That is code for my doc's office.

I answered the phone and it was V, Dr.C's nurse. She said "Hey! We got your results back. They're totally normal! I just had to call and let you know instead of making you wait!"

"Normal" is what I got!

I didn't ask her the ratios because knowing that it was normal is good enough for me. It's really a relief. Rylan's AFP which is just a blood draw but also a screening test returned positive and that was really stressful. I also passed my first trimester screen with Collin but I still feel good today. He didn't live long enough for me to receive my official results. They called while my mom was here and I was at the hospital prepping for surgery. This baby is still alive and I'm starting to feel little movements. So far everything is normal.

I am very thankful for normal.

Another Milestone

I've got to say, I've pretty much been a ball of nerves the last few days. Rylan's birthday was a great distraction while leading up to this afternoon's NT Scan. I did not have the scan done with Eli but we did with Collin... and his heart stopped the next day. My scan with him was at 12 weeks 3 days. Today I was 12 weeks 4 days. I just wanted to get these next few days done and over with. I'm trying not to wish my life away but it's hard to relive certain things. Luckily, we were able to go back the the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) office where we had our last scan done so they had my whole history and the ultrasound tech was great about reading my entire file prior to seeing us.

I found it really comforting to have so many things different this time around. We were in a different room. Different tech - this one came over from 7 years at the OHSU MFM office. She was great and understanding and really warm. This baby was moving all over the place - which Collin did not do (and in hindsight bugged me). We saw this baby swallowing. A stomach. A full bladder. The diaphragm. Fingers and toes. Eyes and nose. Brain. A perfect three vessle cord. A heart beat of 167 beats per minute. And the whole reason we were there the Nuchal Translucency measurements averaged out at 1.9 or so. At this stage of the game anything below 3.2 is considered "normal" and the lower, the better.

The best thing was this baby is measuring a bit ahead at 13 weeks 1 day... in essence, catapulting us right past some of the days that would have carried a lot of nervous energy. That is not saying that I'm thinking everything is 100%, for sure, going to be ok but it feels a bit better to have such a great appointment behind us.

We also got a number of pictures but these were the "best", in my opinion.

This one is the profile, hand up near face, black spot near the middle of the baby is the stomach, the black spot closer to the leg is the bladder.

Look! It's a brontosaurus!!! Just kidding, it's a hand and an arm but our baby is already looking to be quite talented in the shadow puppet skills department. :)

Perfect little feet and legs. The MFM showed us how we could easily see that there isn't even a clubbed foot.

And in honor of Halloween approaching, the obligatory, scary alien-skeleton shot but that's exactly what he/she is supposed to look like right now.

I also had an appointment last week with my OB that went great. Turns out, I'm the first and only patient to whom he has prescribed Femara. But so far so good!

While I'm really happy with the outcome of today's appointment. I also don't want to forget that tomorrow is October 15th which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. So, while I'm celebrating a great appointment and continuing to be cautiously optimistic for this spring, tomorrow is a day set aside for us all to remember those babies who didn't get the chance to live the full lives that we expected.

Happy Birthday, Rylan!

Happy 4th Birthday to Rylan today!

Crazy to think that this kid has been in our lives for four years already. He is a hilarious, constant joy... even if he is testing boundaries. We celebrated his day today with friends and my parents. His request was a monkey birthday so he got a monkey party complete with bananas hanging from the ceiling as he requested. Not real bananas, just fake bananas... much lighter and less messy!

It's been a very busy weekend so I'm going to keep it short and try to get some rest before long. Karleigh has her first field trip tomorrow that I'll be helping with and Rylan has his classroom party that Jim will attend.

Rylan just a few days old. !

On his first birthday.

Rylan's 2nd birthday. And his 3rd birthday.

Weeks Worth

So, I was just sitting at the table, munching on some corn on the cob... no, not for any particular meal but thanks for asking, and I was thinking "man, I haven't been keeping up with my blog very well." I'm not quite sure why that is. It could be that I kind of feel like I'm in this little limbo land somewhere between deadbabyland and rainbowbabyland. Deadbabymommas don't always want to hear about pregnancy or kids and rainbowbabymommas don't always want to be reminded of the past. But there are a few of us, stuck somewhere in the middle and that could be part of the reason that my blogging has slowed. Either that or I feel like I've said just about all there is to say on some subjects. I don't know. At any rate, it's allowed for the lazy blogger in me to shine!

The kids are both still loving school and doing really well which is nice. It's wonderful to not have to worry about school "issues" along with everything else. Rylan's more than aware that his birthday is rapidly approaching. Jim and I managed to get nearly all of his birthday shopping, cake pan, decorations, gifts, paper stuff, etc. on Wednesday while he had the day off and the kids were in school. We accomplished quite a bit in 3 hours! His party will be nice and laid back this year which I'm really looking forward to. I'm just trying to figure out exactly when I'm supposed to squeeze in baking and decorating his birthday cake. They don't have school on Friday so I don't have that 4 hours of "free" time and Karleigh has Daisy Scouts until 7:30, Saturday is his little buddy's birthday party and my parents coming to visit and then Sunday is his party. Maybe grandma will be able to keep the kids distracted in the evening while I hang out in the kitchen... we'll see! I have a brilliant friend who bakes and decorates her cakes ahead of time and then freezes them.

She's much smarter than I am.

I also managed to get the kids to finally decide what they wanted to be for Halloween. They had originally wanted to be Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf. Great idea, however, I did not feel motivated to sew a Rylan-sized wolf costume. I know I could... I just didn't want to. So, we looked at some more ideas and Rylan said he wanted to be a scary spider and Karleigh suggested Little Miss Muffet so we started looking. This time I knew his costume would be easy to find, it was hers I was worried about. However, it didn't take too much time and I got these two ordered:

Rumor has it they're on their way. Karleigh's really is and Rylan's, which comes from a fairly well known store, still hasn't shipped. I'm not too worried though, there's still loads of time.

Tuesday I went in and had my nurse appointment finally since I'm a fan of doing things backwards I suppose. It was pretty quick even though there were additions. When I got home they called to tell me that I was free to call the Maternal Fetal Medicine office, since our insurance had approved the NT Scan. I called them and the gal actually had my file up on her computer when she answered the phone. I'll be going for that on the afternoon of the 14th. Luckily, I was able to get a time, on Jim's day off, where the kids will be in school and we'll both be able to go to the appointment and get home before the buses do.

No, the kids do not know about this pregnancy.

They also did not know about my pregnancy with Collin. They did know about Eli for a good 10 weeks or so but since "un-telling" is hard on us and them, we chose to keep it from them as long as possible this time. I know that them not knowing won't change the outcome, obviously. But, for now, it's just easier this way. I don't know when we'll tell them but they're not stupid and I'm not skinny! It would be nice to make it to 18-20 weeks at least, but I'm not sure that's going to be possible.

We were lying in bed the other night (don't worry, it's safe to read!) and Jim changed the channel to Animal Planet. It was one of those surreal moments where I instantly knew I was exactly the same gestation, listening to the same show, even at the same time of night as I had been in December when I was still pregnant with Collin, lying in bed with Rylan at Jim's aunt and uncle's house after our crazy long drive to Missoula. It's strange how something as silly as watching "Yellowstone: Battle for Life" can bring back memories.

But, it can.

That next morning I got up and decided that I wasn't going to continue living, waiting for this baby to die but that I was going to go ahead an plan for the future. The worst thing that could happen is I lose this baby anyway but at least I will have enjoyed the time I had instead of waiting for some imaginary "safe zone" to start planning and looking at things. I'm even seriously thinking of cloth diapering at least part-time. These guys can be used with a disposable insert if you want but I'm planning on using them with a cloth insert. Even if I just replace 3 disposables a day with this cloth system, over two years I can save us several hundred dollars... and that motivates Jim! Plus, how cute is that little bum compared to Winnie the Pooh, no offense old bear.

Phew! There's a ton more but I get all wonky and rambly trying to remember everything so it is what it is right now. I do have a sense of peace about this pregnancy, not necessarily the gut feeling that I'll be bringing a baby home in the spring but a sense of peace that I can go ahead and do what I'm going to do and prepare because it's totally out of my control anyway. ...I've known that all along, it's just nice for the head and the heart to match up for a while.

Half-Way to Half-Way There

Still plugging along here! Even with the fear of jinxing myself, I've started to feel a bit better. I'm still tired but the extreme dizziness seems to have subsided for the most part. I still feel a bit disconnected from my body, both literally and figuratively, but it's getting better which is nice since I'd been feeling it since just after 5 weeks. It started on the way home from my parents house a month or so ago and really hadn't let up much. Now I've moved into the can't. stop. eating. phase that I don't remember so much with Rylan but sure do with Karleigh. Of course I also gained twice as much weight with her so I'll just have to make sure that's it's healthy things with which I constantly stuff my face!

I had my first "real" OB appointment yesterday. You know, the 'exciting' pee in a cup, cringe at your weight, blood pressure check, chat with the nurse, see the doc, ask any questions, schedule your next appointment... which was good because I had to pee, I've weighed more not pregnant, 120/70 isn't bad, I like Dr. C's nurse, I also like Dr. C, he answered my couple of questions, he had me schedule again for in two weeks to keep my anxiety in check.

The more detailed version... before he came in I head the familiar thump, jiggle, bonk of the bedside ultrasound machine. I have a love/hate relationship with that machine. I love seeing my baby on the screen "in real life" but I hate seeing my dead baby on the screen. Every time he turns it on I know that it can go either way. Yesterday it went the way I love. It was hard to see the heartbeat at first because baby was moving around so much. The internal struggle that followed was quite amusing in hindsight... "oh no, I don't see the heartbeat... because the baby is moving too much... is it even alive?... it needs to stop moving so I can see the heartbeat." Yes, I'm just that crazy.

Doing this again is really, really hard.

I think it's more difficult this time around because after we lost Eli you just kind of feel like, ok, we got through that and of course we'll have a healthy baby this time around because that's what's fair. Well, life isn't fair. So this time around I don't have that mental safety net that I had with Collin. I know it can happen. I know it can happen more than once and I know that it can happen at any time and while it's one thing to "know" it, I think it's another thing to live it.

Back to the upside though, I got to see arms, legs, fingers and toes, eyes, the jaw bone and everything else looking just as it should right now. Oh, and a beating heart.

First Day of School Re-do!

OK, I guess not really a "re-do" but today was Rylan's first day of preschool. He attends preschool just across the hall from Karleigh's Kindergarten classroom. The bus picks him up and brings him home and if today is any indication he's going to have a great time! It was funny, after lunch he got all dressed so I could take pictures. Obviously, he was paying attention last week!

Pics with Dad and Mom! (apparently I'm going to gain weight in my face this time... geesh!)

Karleigh and Rylan's buses are supposed to arrive at just about the same time. Rylan's driver has to pull into the driveway and can't pick him up along the road like Karleigh's bus. It became clear, why, when she arrived. Miss Judy has to get up and strap the kids in with their integrated car seats with 5-point harness and extra safety belt... YAY! Rylan loved that she let him do the chest clip himself (and then double checked it which made mom happy).

Obviously he had a great day as he was all smiles getting off of the bus this afternoon too! We asked him how it went...

"Great!"

He had recess, apples and crackers for snack, needed help with his pants button, met new friends and when we asked him what his favorite part of the day was...

"Going to school!"

His teacher is really nice, she sends home a notebook for notes which facilitate a running dialog about the day, issues, questions, etc. Very handy! Today: "Rylan had a great first day! He enjoyed playing with play dough, dinosaurs and the kitchen area. It was difficult for him to stay longer than 5 minutes at any given area. I'm sure this will increase as he becomes familiar with the room." I predicted that's what would happen... he was allowed free-for-all play time during Karleigh's Kindy intro classes last spring. We talked to him about it and how we would love it if he would listen to Teacher T and stay at each activity until it's time to move on. His response was so typical of my kid "I know, I know. Today I was just get up and move, get up and move, get up and move! I'll try harder tomorrow, OK?" OK big boy!

School is Cool

I guess I never posted about Karleigh's first day of school. It was a fairly uneventful day in the grand scheme of things and she loved it! Her big worry was her outfit since she knew it would be too hot for what she originally had planned, this outfit but a sweater vest and knee socks. I think she did a pretty good job. It ended up being 95 degrees on her first day!

She got to school no problem, and the Kindy kids on our route ride the mini-bus to save gas since there's only about 15 kiddos and the bus holds 30. It's nice that she gets a seat belt on the way into town. She sat at the orange table with one other girl and two boys, she had recess where she played tether ball will her friends from pre-school, they had snack time, they had song time and story circle where they read a story about the first day of school. She told us all about the cover and the title page... incidentally, she was quite annoyed that they went over that again on Monday ;) She colored a bus picture and then they pasted together a school bus poem. She loves that the 4th graders come downstairs and partner up with the kindergarten kids on the way out to the buses at the end of the day.

Speaking of buses at the end of the day... her first trip home... the bell rings at 3:10, she got home at 5 minutes to 5! Apparently the bus that she was supposed to take home had some sort of issue so the driver had to switch buses at some point. He also has the middle school route out here so as soon as he completed that one, he had to go get the little kids. It wasn't a big deal to me or Karleigh but she sure had to go potty by the time she got off the bus! I figure if that's the biggest drama... no problem!


She was thrilled to go back Monday and today and she seems to be having a great time. The school has curriculum night on Thursday so it will be nice to see what the teachers have planned for the year. Kids are, however, discouraged from attending. Luckily, Rylan's teacher has her session from 6:00 - 6:45 and Karleigh's teacher has her session from 6:45 - 7:30 so I won't have to miss either one and Jim will just watch the kiddos.

Speaking of Rylan, he starts on Monday and he can't wait! They both have next Friday off, I have a doctor's appointment, Jim has to work late and Karleigh has her first official Daisy Scouts meeting. It was kind of nice to have this summer to just hang out especially after a few years of go, go, go to play dates and activities and such. But... it's game on again!

T Minus 15 Hours

While tucking Karleigh into bed tonight she said "I'm just going to go to sleep. The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I will be a Kindergartner!"
Yup, she will be.
She and I went to her orientation this afternoon where we went over all the nitty gritty like snack, busing, recess... all the important things! It was nice to see her so calm and comfortable in the classroom today. I have no doubt that she'll have a good time and that it'll seem to be over far to quick for her.

Since I'm not going to school with her tomorrow (and they did encourage the parents to just make it a normal day) I decided to take my camera with me today and just snapped 2 pics at the end of orientation.

Wordless Wednesday