Z... Zodiac

I've always found the zodiac signs amusing and entertaining. Do I think they totally rule a person and dictate the way that they will be? Nope. But I do find it amusing that, many times, the zodiac traits tend to be rather accurate.

Me? As I mentioned earlier, I'm a Gemini.

And a "pretty good" Gemini at that!

Don't know much about the Gemini? Google can land you some fun and... interesting... sites!

From here: The Gemini-born are intellectually inclined, forever probing people and places in search of information. The more information a Gemini collects, the better. Sharing that information later on with those they love is also a lot of fun, for Geminis are supremely interested in developing their relationships. Dalliances with these folks are always enjoyable, since Geminis are bright, quick-witted and the proverbial life of the party. Even though their intellectual minds can rationalize forever and a day, Geminis also have a surplus of imagination waiting to be tapped. Can a Gemini be boring? Never!

Since Geminis are a mix of the yin and the yang, they are represented perfectly by the Twins. The Gemini-born can easily see both sides of an issue, a wonderfully practical quality. Less practical is the fact that you're not sure which Twin will show up half the time. Geminis may not know who's showing up either, which can prompt others to consider them fickle and restless.

They can be wishy-washy, too, changing their mood on a simple whim. It's this characteristic which readily suggests the Mutable Quality assigned to this sign. Mutable folks are flexible and go with the flow. Further, the Twins are adaptable and dexterous and can tackle many things at once. It's a good thing, too, when you consider their myriad interests. The downside of such a curious mind, however, can be a lack of follow-through. How much can any one person do, anyway?

Although they talk a great game, they also love to listen and learn. With any kind of luck, the Twins will find themselves in interesting company, because if they don't, they are likely to get bored and start fidgeting. Any social setting is a good one for a Gemini, however, since these folks are charming, congenial and love to share themselves with their friends. While their effusiveness may be misconstrued as scheming by some, Geminis generally have their hearts in the right place. It's that ample energy which can also paint them as scatterbrained and unfocused, but behind all that zipping around, the Twins are busily filing all that good data away.

The element associated with Gemini is Air. Air signs are the thinking person's signs, and the Twins don't disappoint. Those born under this sign prize intellect and consider it the key to all things. At work, they are the clearest of thinkers, looking at a project from all (well, at least two) sides and putting forth some logical and well-thought-out ideas. This quality makes Geminis an asset to any team, and while these folks are not inclined to take the lead, they are a most valuable component. It's also the Gemini's literary bent that allows them to offer a useful perspective on most any situation. The Twins also enjoy bringing their objective reasoning and big-picture ability into their personal relationships. While some may perceive all this logical thought as cold and unemotional, it's simply how these folks tick. They want to connect, they just do it their own way. Luckily for Geminis (and their pals), their lightness of spirit and youthful exuberance help them to appear forever young. In keeping with that skip in their step, Geminis enjoy short road trips -- and their agile minds and nimble hands ensure that they could change a tire (if needed) in no time flat. Is all of this Twin-energy more than any one person can handle? Ah, maybe that's why they are two.

When it comes to sports, Geminis would seem a natural for doubles tennis -- and they are. They love the camaraderie of games and play, which is why they excel at team events. A book club would certainly stimulate their literary minds. In the game of love, Geminis are playful, flirtatious and endless fun. Physically speaking, Gemini rules the nervous system, which is why Twins should practice yoga or deep breathing techniques. Layering themselves in soft yellows and blues will also calm their mood.

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So, there ya' go! If you know me, you know that's pretty accurate. If you don't... trust me, it is!

Take THAT! A-Z Challenge! This fickle, blow where the wind blows Gemini finished the challenge.

Y... Yummm

I had a hard time with Y today.
I was going to write about "Yellowstone National Park", how we honeymooned there and want to go back because the kids have been begging to go but I didn't feel like scanning my photos. Then I was going to write about "yuck" because it's just been that kind of day, but I couldn't find a way to do it without sounding horrible. Then there was "yellow" but again, I decided to use better judgment so tonight I'm just going to leave it up to one word: yum.

and the clean-up can't be beat!

X... Xylitol

Low in calories. Tooth friendly. And fun!

W... Wacky Weather

It's not wacky.
It's wet.
Weather in Washington is wet on a weekly basis. While we wish we weren't waterlogged, we are. And while we are waiting for a weekend without wain we will wrap our arms around wet, muddy wee ones!

V... Vacation

Vacations are, by definition, supposed to be a time of freedom from any activity; rest; respite; intermission - a period of rest and freedom from work, study, etc. Trust me, it's right here in my Webster's dictionary.

It's been a few years since I've had a real vacation - the kind that you return from and actually feel rejuvenated. I blogged about it back in June and July of 2009. We had a real family vacation. The four of us. No staying with parents or in-laws, no working around anyone else's schedule, just us. And we had a blast. It's not something that we would have chosen to do on our own, there would have been excuses reasons why we shouldn't or couldn't, but because of a very generous friend of mine, we did. I am so thankful that the older kids were old enough to remember it and enjoy it. It was also a great break from everything else going on. I had a few "moments" thinking about things that were really at the forefront of my awareness but at the same time, I was able to relax and soak in everything.

All that to say, I think vacations are crucial to mental well-being.

Whether a vacation from work; vacation from stress; vacation from self loathing or sabotage or from something that's weighing you down... it needs to be done. It doesn't mean that you need to pack up and take off but perhaps, unplug, recharge, explore, sleep in, eat out. Do something different and good with that time.

Anyway, I'll step off my soapbox now but yes, I think vacations are important. And I'm going to try to take my own advice sometime soon!

U... Unconditional

...without regard to qualities or actions...
Absolute. Total. Certain. Clear. Complete. Unequivocal. Genuine.
Unconditional Love.

In honor of Free Love Day... a day to promote awareness of suicide and depression, as well as to advocate a LIFESTYLE of unconditional love.

T...This Time

This time, last year, this is what I was writing about.
I can hardly believe it's already been a year...

...and only been a year.

I know... you all are probably getting tired of hearing about my "one year old".

S... Sunny Springtime Scenes

R... Random

• I love to make lists
• I bite the sides of my fingers when I'm bored, or nervous
• I drove a 66 Mustang in high school
• it was light blue
• I visit Starbucks for a treat when I go to town
• I almost always order a white chocolate mocha
• I have one little brother
• actually, I have one younger brother
• I will add things to my list that I've already done just so I can scratch them off
• I sometimes chew on the neck of my sweatshirt without even noticing
• I had braces for TMJ in high school
• I now wonder if it would have been helped with chiropractic instead
  
• my teeth were straight before the braces
• I took piano lessons for 10+ years
• I feel like I should be able to play a lot better than I do now
• I played tennis in high school and college
• I took an English Lit class in college that I hardly remember and rarely attended because of tennis
• I got a B
  
• I have no idea how
• I'm sure my mom is thrilled with that. (hi mom!)
• If I try a new burger place and they have a mushroom burger, I will try it
• my sister in law HATES mushrooms (hi Lace!)
• when I drive by this building, I can feel the pit in my stomach




• it kills me if there's a light on in the far left, second from the top, window
• Stella was born in the room four window to the right
  
• I'm 5'4"
• not 5'3"
• I was accepted to a college that I never applied to
• I live in the home that my great grandparents built
• I have a pair of boots that I bought 10 years ago!
• and they're still the most comfortable things around
  
• I had to hold my baby girl down for four shots yesterday
• I then had to hold her still while she had a head ultrasound through her fontanel
  




• I let my kids throw pennies in a fountain any time they ask (as long as it's "legal")
• my older two are 21 months apart

• at one point we had 9 cats here
• they were supposed to be outside cats
• we now have two cats and one dog
• a photo of me hangs in the museum in the town were I grew up
• taking photos is my hobby
• I think saying it that way carries less weight than "photography" is my hobby
• I've an eclectic collection of jobs on my resume'
  
• I have no idea how I'll get back into the workforce when I choose to
• I have my bachelors degree in marketing
• I've never worked in fast food
• my current job offers a lot of job security ;)
• many of the people I consider close friends, I've never met in real life
• I have received one speeding ticket in my life
• I deserved it
• it was in Montana
• it was for less than the speed I was going
• the ticket was almost $100
  
• I believe in ghosts
• not GHOST ghosts but that there are things beyond our perception
• one dark snowy night, while Jim and I were parking our car in our lower field (because we couldn't get into our driveway) there was a man who walked out of the woods and diagonally across the field and our yard
• he never said a word to us
• we live on 90 acres
• I have no idea where he came from or where he went
• that still creeps me out
• I have never been to Disneyland
• I have been to Disney World
• I am a horrific speller
• I grew up on an island
• I . LOVE. SLEEP!
• I do crazy amounts of thinking in the shower
• I usually forget it all by the time I get my hair dried off
• I sing out loud in the car
• and dance like a crazy person when home with the kids
• they think it's hilarious
• I tend to be a jack of all trades, master of none
• I kind of like that - low pressure
• I hate grocery shopping
• I feel guilty about the amount of water necessary to rinse out my items before I can recycle them
• I live in Washington and our waste water is nearly immediately returned to the ground
• I should not feel guilty about using the water
• I can't remember the last time I didn't wear my diamond earrings
• I broke my leg in high school
• I was going down stairs
• because of it, I had to wait to get my driver's license unless I took the driving test in a standard
• it was my right leg, not my left
• I'm still confused by that rule
• I used to have great vision
• then I got contacts in college to help me see the white boards
• my vision got progressively worse, quickly
• it turns out I was allergic to the contact lens solution
• my prescription has finally stabilized. Sort of.
  
• I have a hard time finding glasses I like
• it's too bad because I get a free pair every year
• my husband works in the eye care industry so I can pick pretty much anything
  

• I'm a Gemini and if I believed in that stuff, it would explain a lot about me ;)
• I love the smell of fresh cut grass and the sound that hummingbirds make
• I felt sick to my stomach when I realized that I hadn't prayed before we started Stella's ultrasound yesterday
• I prayed during
• today Karleigh asked me why I never took her to any baby ultrasounds
• I was honest and told her I was afraid
• I'm kind of angry that she understands why
• Faith is a big part of my foundation
  
• I have a hard time "getting into" organized religion
• I have been married to my best friend for almost 12 years
• there is a cat snoring in my ear right now
• and a husband snoring to my left!
  

Q... Quixotic

What do you do with your quixotic thoughts?

I have this one that I've had for years. The end result is this incredible, seamless picture that I can see, very clearly, in my mind. However, the chances of it coming to fruition are minuscule. There are so many roadblocks: the attitudes of those around me, money, space, time, capability...fear.

Yet, I feel like it's this thing that just keeps poking and poking and poking at me.
Like a woodpecker.
In the back of my head.

How do you determine the difference between something being a true "calling" and being a quixotic daydream that's driven by something similar to envy? Or do you feel envious because you see your daydream being realized by someone else?

Quite the quandary that likely requires more quietude.

P... Posing for Photos

I hate it. Hate posing for photos.
It's, literally, painful for me.
To say I'm much more comfortable behind my camera would be a major. HUGE. understatement.
I've never been a photogenic person. As a child I messed up many a family and school picture.
It's still pointed out.
And joked about.
But at least now we're in the digital age so countless photos can be snapped to get a decent one without "wasting" film on me.

This A-Z Challenge is about pushing ourselves and I've been trying to move outside of my comfort zone in several areas. This area would take a whole lot more work than I'm willing to put in. I know the "rules" for getting a pleasing photo - if you're a woman and it bends, bend it. Chin slightly down and out... yet, when it comes to me. ACK!

P is also for promise and I promised Ella that I would post a picture of the Shabby Apple dress that I won on her blog. It arrived yesterday evening so I had Jim go out and take a few pics.
I felt ridiculous.
The pictures were... eh.

So, today I took Rylan outside with me. It's always easier for me, if my kid is behind the camera. They judge less and talk like they're professionals. Rylan was all: "turn a little more" "you look beeeeeautiful!" "Nice!" It's fun to set him up and just let him go. Jim... he doesn't judge but you know... another adult... very different.

Anyway! I found one in the bunch that I was ok with:

I really like the idea behind this dress and it is very comfortable! However, for me, to be perfect, it needs some tweaking. I'm not built like a model so the front darts hit me in a kind of funny place (which is odd because if I were taller, they'd hit me even lower I think) and the color of the top is a pretty tough sell but I don't have anything like it so it was wonderful to receive it and I can't wait to try it out a few other ways. Thanks Ella!

O... Oranges

Oranges!
Orange is totally Rylan's favorite color. It always has been, which I've always found a bit odd because well... orange? Not many people choose that as their favorite color.
But he is steadfast.
Orange IS the best color.
Also? Oranges have always been one of his favorite foods. The kid would eat mandarin orange packs hand over fist. He was able to peel and eat clementines from a very young age. If we have to grab fast food, we usually end up at Wendy's so that he can choose oranges over fries. You get the idea.

I thought it would be fun to look up what it could possibly mean. Here's what this website had to say:
Orange: This color of luxury and pleasure appeals to the flamboyant and fun-loving person who likes a lively social round. Orange people may be inclined to dramatize a bit, and people notice them, but they are generally good-natured and popular. They can be a little fickle and vacillating, but on the whole they try hard to be agreeable. Orange is the color of youth, strength, fearlessness, curiosity and restlessness.

Yup, my little dude seems to come by his love of orange naturally!

N... Nurture

We nurture our children. It's nature! Karleigh has really been looking for her niche and it's so fun to watch her start to realize where she excels, to watch her embrace that and to watch her work towards improving while we cheer her on.

Today she had a soccer game and scored three goals. She's pretty cute out there, seems to have a love for the game and genuinely enjoys her time out there. Besides being an incredible student, I also think she has an eye for art and she enjoys that too. This evening we went into Portland to have dinner with a wonderful family that is in town from north of Seattle. On the way back to the van Karleigh asked if she could take some pictures so of course I told her "yes!" (I love the idea of doing an photo walk) After she took them, I asked her what she saw in them and she loved all the bright colors and personality so I got home and bumped two of them up a bit in photoshop.

I may get frustrated, anger too quickly, get annoyed too easily but nurturing my children is something I adore!

M... MOMents

Life is made up of lots of moments. But as a mom, some of those are just MOMents. At 7:00 this morning, my baby girl turned one.
Our Stelly Bean.
Our realized dream.
The baby we hoped and prayed and tried and cried for for over 3 years.
The baby who helped soften some of the scars of the past.
The baby who looks more like her mom than her dad.
The baby who hates to get dirty.
Who instead of going crazy in her baths, just lies back and relaxes like she's at the spa.
Who loves bunnies, bubbles, balloons, powdered donuts, family, playing tag and long naps.
She's serious and loving but also has a funny bone.
She's everything we hoped she would be.
She's more than we imagined she could be.
And I am beyond thankful for every moment with her and for each MOMent with which she blesses me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET STELLA CLAIRE!

L... Lost

Lost in a land of little people and little Little People.



...it's been fun!

K... Kristi

That's me. ...taken this afternoon as I waited for Rylan to get done with school today. I dropped my camera and before it hit the floor of the van, my finger hit the shutter button and that was the result. I was going to delete it but then thought it was kind of interesting. An odd perspective - thank goodness no boogers! I realized that it's probably really close to the perspective that my kids have of me quite frequently. And while I sat in the quiet of the van, Stella sleeping away behind me, Jim waiting outside Rylan's classroom door, I had a chance to really think about what it must be like to be one of my kids.

To be the ones looking at that face all the time.

During the "I love you's" and the "that decision really disappointed me's" and the "just stop!'s". There have been lots of the former and too many of the latter. I have felt really tested by Rylan lately. He is such a smart, smart kid but he also has some quirky behaviors. I have never been the mom of a 5 1/2 year old boy before so I don't even know what I should be expecting of him. He has been making behavioral improvements at school by leaps and bounds but at home we're still dealing with some issues. Thankfully, he is not a bully, he's not mean, he doesn't have a mean bone in his body but he does have a lot of energy and he can be verbally defiant. And honestly, it can get exhausting keeping his mind busy. He is constantly asking me math problems or asking me to ask him math problems or he'll practice counting by 4's because he has the 1's, 2's, 5's and 10's down pat. He'll come to me and ask me how to spell random words and if we don't keep his mind busy he starts going a little bonkers. Anyway, I get frustrated too easily with him (with both of the older kids actually) and I hate the thought of what I look like from their perspective. Hate it.

So, with this one picture I saw the light bulb. I have come to realize that I have pretty high expectations. Kindness in a non-negotiable, however I'm going to try to lighten up a bit in other areas and see what happens. I want my kids to see and remember Kind Kristi and not Krazy Kristi.

J... Jumbled

I confess. I am a bit of a jumbled mess today.
What's up with that?!
I have no clue what I'll write about today so it's probably going to be more of a stream of consciousness type thing.

The sun is shining. The baby slept straight through the night last night - I'm talking 8:30 - 7:30 people! ...although I tossed and turned until well after 1:30. Lame. I don't feel like I have tons on my plate right now... yet? I feel like a jumbled mess.

I attribute some of it to Stella's upcoming first birthday. Not the party. The ACTUAL birthDAY. In less then 3 days I will have a one year old. A breathing, walking, talking, little person. That kind of freaks me out. After so much work, so much heartache, so many prayers to get her here. She's here. And she's nearly one. And it's gone so fast!

I'm also feeling the itch to be "creative" but... not sure with what, or where, or how! LOL Oh and the perfectionist in me tends to think, if it can't be perfect then why do it? I know. Crazy, right?

I have learned however, that this tends to just be a passing phase with me. I get over it and laugh about in fairly short order which is good, because I used to feel like I really had a place where I could go, get it off my chest, work through it and move up and move on but even that safety net seems to have been shifted a bit so that in turn, got me thinking about how often that happens throughout our lives. How some people come into our lives and stay for a life time and how others come into our lives when we need them but they're quick to come along and quick to leave.

Which reminds me of this post from March 18, 2008:

Smacked Upside the Head...

_______________________________________________________________

And how that's not always a bad thing.

I got smacked upside the head today in the most fabulous way!

It was something that made me cry and smile at the same time.

You see, I was trying to act "normal" today, keep my mind off things that I cannot control and be a bit productive at the same time (multi-tasking at its finest). Our office/guest room closet is pretty much my arch-nemesis. Everything seems to end up in that closet. That's also where my maternity clothes were so my first goal was to get those boxed up so they would quit laughing at me every time I opened the door. Next step was to gut the closet. Finally, having made quite a bit of progress, I came to yet another box. It held some things that I had cleaned out of my grandma and grandpa's little desk a year or so ago. And by "cleaned" I mean, just stuck in a box and moved it to another place in the house - out of sight, out of mind. I knew what was in there - old check books, bank statements, closed account notices from every time grandpa decided to switch banks. Anyway, I was quickly thumbing through each envelope before it went in a burn pile box. A tiny slip of paper fell out and on to the bed. It was folded in half and when I opened it I could tell it was grandma who had written it.

It reads: "Time and tide move on and we move with them or we find ourselves defending battlements that have been deserted, not only by our enemies, but by our friends as well."

Those words were written down and that paper was folded in half at least 20 years ago based on her handwriting and the dates on the envelopes that it fell from. Even knowing that those words were speaking very loudly to me, I consciously thought "no way..." and actually said out loud, "... not sure I believe I was MEANT to find that today." So, I folded it back up, set it on the end table and went to make my lunch. I heated my soup on the stove and sat down at my computer while it was warming. I opened my email and the e-votional in my in box was "BELIEVE!" - as if it was shouting at me. So, I opened it, read it about four times and yes I do believe that that note was written years ago for me to find it today. I've been having a rough few days, doing the questioning thing, being a bit angry and not letting things 'roll' like I normally would.

To quote several passages from the message today...

"Faith is always a choice. If we believers had to have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it would not be faith, but a rational action. Real faith requires us to step into the unknown and believe in Jesus because of what we read in His Word, not as a result of what we rationalize."

"As disciples of our Lord Jesus Christ, we need to come to the place in our spiritual life where we quit the impossible task of trying to figure things out. The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."

"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him. The choice is yours. I trust and pray that you make the third choice and that it will be your final answer!"

I have been saying all along that I have faith and hope and that I believe that there is a reason for all of this but I have always added the disclaimer "I just want to know what it is". I am working really hard to remind myself to remove that qualifier. I have to. I believe that God made sure that grandma wrote those words (which by the way, I can't seem to tie to anyone even with all the powers of Google), that she folded the paper and it ended up tucked in between some old bank statements. I believe that last year it didn't fall out when I put everything in the box because I wasn't meant to find and read it until today. It's all kind of overwhelming to know that God knew that my grandma would have a great grandson who wouldn't live to take a breath, a granddaughter who needed desperately to read those words but would question them and have the need to believe reaffirmed.

It all goes back to that passage from a week or so ago (that I had come across a number of times in the same day)

From Psalm 139
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

WOW!

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So, a big ol' long post, reminding me of some very important things. Not too bad for such a jumbled day, and I feel a bit more grounded again too.

I... Inspire

There are a lot of really great "I" words that I could have used for this A-Z Challenge but I just couldn't get the word "inspire" out of my head all weekend long. It wasn't a heavens opened, angels sang, stars aligned inspiring weekend, but I think that's part of why the word kept ping-ponging around in my head. It doesn't have to be easy or right in front of me but I try to look for inspiration in even the most mundane or misplayed things.

I personally think the word inspire is a word that carries a lot of weight and responsibility. I hear so many people say, for instance, "She inspires me to be a better... (I don't know, let's go with)... painter." When really? I think they're really saying "She makes me want to be a better painter."

To me, inspire means that you take it and you actually DO with it! You don't dream about it, you don't just think about it or pine over it or covet it. You DO it. I don't want to "inspire" someone if it means they just sit back and say "Man, that's great. I wish I could do that." I want someone to take whatever it is that they feel inspired by and actually DO it.

I was (sort of, between Stella's crying fits) watching Eat. Pray. Love. yesterday... a movie that I didn't find all that inspirational at all. I imagine the book is far better. But inspiration can be found everywhere. One quote from the whole movie really spoke to me:

Ruin is a gift. Ruin IS the road to transformation. -Eat, Pray, Love

Who or what really. REALLY, inspires you? Make sure you take that inspiration and use it. Do it. Love it. Live it.

H... Holland

It looks a bit like we visited Holland today. We didn't. We decided to seize the decent weather and head to the tulip festival. The fields weren't nearly in full bloom the way they were when we visited two years ago but the sun was peeking through and that was a very nice bonus.

I had hopes of getting some cute photos of the kids. Not so much. The light was ever changing and very challenging. Stella slept horribly last night - she has quite a snotty nose and super wet cough and while she loved being outside, she did not really find the joy in being put down today.

But, since we were in "Holland" we made the best of what we had and enjoyed our day out. I'm hoping that there will be another dry day or two in a week or so and maybe we'll try it again. ...or maybe we'll wait and do it again next year!

G... Gloriously Gorgeous!

What a gloriously gorgeous day today! It started off on the right foot when Stella went to bed at 7:30 last night and only woke once and finally got up at 9:30 this morning. And we woke up to sunshine. Frost and sunshine but sunshine!

My green guys planted a few trees:

There were sunshine warmed girly grins:

My garden girl stirred the dirt in the new garden box that Jim built from reclaimed wood:

The guys gussied up the t-ball gear giving it a good wash-down:

And I finally got to smile about the first greeting from our little garden guest:

F... Failure

Nah, it's not going to be "that" kind of post about failure today. Today I'm talking... first birthday smash cake photo failure.

I've had it all planned out for months (failure set up part one). I had a perfectly clear vision in my mind of how it would turn out (failure set up part two).

Stella is just too much of a little lady with her cake. Who knew!? I mean, the way she ate her cake at her birthday party should have been a bit of an indication. But? She had just eaten a great lunch so I thought the chance of her really going at her cake this time was much better. Not exactly. She likes cake. Perhaps even, loves. Loves to the point that she certainly isn't going to waste any of it on her face or the floor. Also the fact that we hardly ever have to use a bib should have been a bit of an indication that she wasn't going to make a total mess. Oh well!

I still have time to do something different for a one year photo shoot for her. But smash cake? That was a failure. Cute! But not exactly what I was going for.

Ooohhhh! My candle!

I'll just poke at the frosting a bit, then use my incredible pincer grasp.


It's yummy! So yummy!


And then she got up and ran away!

E... Easter Baskets

Easter baskets. Christmas stockings. They are things that I waited, and waited, and waited to do until we had our family completed. Sure, we had things that worked or that were good enough for now but there are things that I had my eye on and it feels really good to be able to get them.

We picked up the Easter baskets that I've been eye-balling for the last few years. I, however, wasn't really loving any of the liners. I wanted them to coordinate but not be exactly the same, blah, blah, blah... yadda, yadda, yadda.

Long wordy story, finally to the point: I picked out some fabric yesterday and after a play date and some graphic design work today, I was able to take some time, cross my fingers, and sew up a basket liner - not an easy task while crossing fingers!

I was pleasantly surprised with how Rylan's turned out without a pattern:

and the kids are thrilled that they got to pick and choose their fabrics from the stack that I purchased.

D... Dreary

Oh. My. Goodness! This weather is slowly killing me. Drowning me. It's a bit out of control. I know my friends across the country are still dealing with snow. But snow? It's white. It's clean. It's bright.

This never ending rain is just a soul sucking gray.

Don't get me wrong. I love, love, LOVE the pacific northwest. But even I am getting really, REALLY, tired of this. It makes me feel agitated and tired. Sad and gloomy. Totally uninspired.

Seriously, this weather is so bad that for the first time ever, the soccer club that Karleigh joined, pushed back their entire season for a month. Guess what? The fields are still in bad condition. Plants are weeks behind. As I sit here and type, I look up to the wall in our living room to see pictures of happy, bright, cheerful pink, blue sky backed cherry plum blossoms from the trees in our yard. They were taken the very beginning of March last year. This year, this moment, I look out and see the trees finally blooming. Sort of. With a dull gray sky as the backdrop. *le sigh*

I'm thinking the garden will probably not happen this year. With eternal optimism (I try!) I'm listening to "Here Comes The Sun", unfortunately, in a hilarious (can you sense the sarcasm?) twist of irony... here comes the rain. Again.

Dreary, dreary, dreary!

C... Childlike Courage

"I can do it myself!"
"Let me try!"
"Watch what I can do!"
.
.
.

"What if I fail?"
"I don't want anyone to watch me."
"It's not going to work anyway."

Wikipedia defines it: Courage (also bravery, fortitude, or intrepidity) is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.

At what point do we lose our bright, sunny childlike courage and crumple into self doubting balls of adults? Surely it isn't as we drive off for college with a skip in our step and a flick of our wrist as we wave out the open window. So, perhaps it happens as tears of uncertainty cloud the new roads ahead of us and the familiar ones in the rear view mirror. I have the courage to say "I don't know."

And that's OK.

When I look in the mirror, I would like to, but I don't see a courageous person looking back at me. However, when I think back at how I got to where I am right now, in this moment, I realize that it was either A) courage B) stupidity or C) divine intervention. I'm going to go with D) All of the above.

Picking up the broken pieces of my heart wasn't an easy task. I'm still working on putting them back together. But you know what? It has to be done. I'm a 'bit' of a competitive person. At least I used to be. Now, I tend to compete solely with myself which I suppose is a good thing, right? Only I win. But at what costs? Did those around me lose while I spent so much time finding the courage to keep fighting? I am so very thankful for the courage that was instilled in me to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep on keeping on so, in the end? I feel so fully justified in my fight when I look at Stella. And everyone who meets her says the same thing "You know? She's great in your photos but she's so much more when you meet her!"

I also know that it takes even more courage to make a bigger change, the courage to say "I can't do it anymore. I need to move on. I need to move forward." I was so close to that point but I didn't have enough.
Not enough courage at that point.
Although, perhaps again that's where the divine intervention came in, pushing me forward one. more. time. Because I cannot imagine life without Stella.

But now? I've been given the courage to move on. Move forward with our three children. And I need to find the courage to let the hurt of the past three years slide into a little envelope, carefully folded and tucked away in a special corner of my heart.

Courage to live the best life possible!

B... Birthday Bash!

We celebrated Stella's First Birthday a tad early and it was ah-may-zing! We stayed at home which ended up being the best plan possible because the weather has been just bizarre this Spring. Today we had dry spells, rain, hail, snow, wind, and lovely bright sunshine. She did great right up to the very end where we were pushing nap time. We celebrated with lunch, presents and cake and Auntie Lacey, Uncle Mark, my parents, and our friend Jamie and her kiddos Kaden and Marissa. So fun and people she's really comfortable around.

We are so blessed... and tired! So, tonight I'm going to let some of the pictures do the talking. So, in no particular order, a little (or large) share from Stella's First Birthday Party!

A... Absolutely Adorable

It's all I can think of for "A" tonight. Absolutely Adorable.