Mindless Monday...

I've been sitting here for a bit, trying to decide what I felt like saying and I finally came up with a whole lotta nothin'! I actually take that to be a good thing. I do know that I am looking towards moving forward and that feels really nice. It's great to be able to choose how I'm going to look at things each and every day. A week ago I sure wouldn't have guessed that I'd be re-reassessing my attitude towards things.

We spent most of the day outside today which was fun. The weather was much more pleasant than it has been over the last couple days, in the upper 80's but super hazy from the California fires. The haze actually kept the sun from feeling super intense. The kids got a new pool yesterday and they love it! We were out there three different times and I even drained and moved the pool once today. I had to drain it because R thought it would be fun to dump both glasses of milk, from lunch, into the pool the moment I turned around. Gotta love two and a half year olds! Really, you do!

Stormy Sunday Short...

It was a strange day today. Hot. Sunny. Cloudy. Humid. Lightning. Rainy... and this evening, very windy. It was still around 75 degrees this evening, the wind was blowing hard and the clouds above us were a deep violet grey color with a hot orange and pink on the horizon to the west. It was one of those surreal evenings. Even though, when I looked around, I couldn't help but notice how stormy it was, at the same time it was oddly peaceful. It felt very parallel to what these last few days have been. I'm sure there's a bright light on the horizon for me but right now I need to stand against this wind.

But for Just a Moment...

Look what visited us this morning in Eli's Garden!

For a few short days we realized that it was possible for us to get pregnant again. I realized that, although I had come to terms with the possibility of us being a family of four here on Earth and I was OK with "only" having two, my heart longs for three. It won't kill me if I don't have three, but I would really like it. For a moment, I realized that regardless of whether I have fear or not, God's hand controls His plan. I have realized, how does the saying go? ..."the only thing I have to fear is fear itself"...


I'm realizing that this was more than a chemical pregnancy though it's just a label, the end result is the same. Physically, it's nothing that a couple of Advil every few hours can't help control. I have realized that, yes, I was terrified of losing yet another pregnancy... this makes 4, but it's not going to totally derail me. Does that mean that I can handle another later term loss? Not sure. OK, I am sure that I would handle it, I wouldn't have a choice, but I don't know that I would want to keep going through that over and over again. The hardest part of losing Eli was the combination of the hormone crash and trying to explain it to Karleigh and Rylan. Watching them work through their own emotions which often has involved "dead babies" really bites. We don't hide the fact that Eli died but we also don't discuss it ad nauseam either. It's a part of our life that IS, but is not necessary to dwell upon.

It may seem, since I write every day, that he's all we talk about. That's not the case. In fact, most all of the discussion (quite one sided I must add) occurs right here at my finger tips. I find that during my quiet times during the day, that I try to wrangle up my thoughts so that I can get them a little bit under control to put down in black and white. This writing is so much different than if you were to ask me to compose a paper. I promise that a paper would flow much better, have proper punctuation, proper tenses and so on and so on. This is certainly not my best "work" but it's not supposed to be. It's merely my thoughts as they come spewing from my little scrambled brain, a brain that is a little more scrambled than it was yesterday morning.



I know that God's timing is perfect and His plan is perfect. I cannot pin down a reason for why I've been given the "opportunity" to go through and deal with all of this but it's all part of His plan.

Quickly Here and Quickly Gone...

There's a yucky name for it - chemical pregnancy and a definition - what I apparently get to add to my list of "been there, done thats". So, *small sigh* onward and forward I suppose. Kind of extra crummy since Jim is out of town today and tonight. On the upside that sort of pricey prescription that we picked up a couple weeks ago will get put to some use after all. I'm not being flippant about it but for whatever reason I'm just kind of numb. I'm sure the reason is self preservation but it is what it is. I went into this with far more awareness of the realities of all the possibilities and I am just one of the "lucky" ones who get to try this over and over again I guess.

It's a bummer being a realist trapped in the head of an optimist. I always want to think the best, to be bright and cheery (to the point of annoyance for many people I'm sure) but the fact of the matter is I have to be a realist too and those two things don't always mesh so well.

So there's the news that nobody probably wanted to hear. I'm just glad to know now instead of waiting another week and getting used to the idea just to have it fall apart at the appointment the is/was scheduled for the 3rd.

I've received a couple emails about "how far" I am/was. I woke up this morning and was 5 and a half weeks, the bleeding started this afternoon. I suppose there's always a chance that it will stop, only God knows and it's totally in His hands. I am totally at peace with whatever the outcome ends up being. You can still be at peace with something even if you're disappointed right???

Thankful Thursday...

I'm still digging the Thankful Thursdays and there are so many things that I am thankful for... here is just a sampling:

• my God..
• not having to buy any more pull-ups for R...
• beautiful weather...
• the smell of fresh mowed fields...
• listening to my kids play together...
• the ability to connect with people all over the world...
• moving on does not mean forgetting...
• science can be proved wrong...
• watching wildlife in our yard...
• washable furniture covers...
• good friends...

I know, probably a silly list and like I said, it's just a sampling of the things that I am thankful for! I hope you have a Thankful Thursday too...

Oh yah, I'm also really, really thankful for the fact that it appears that God has given us the opportunity to try this parenting thing once again. Only He knows how long we will get to nurture this new blessing but I will take every single day that I am given. I hesitated to put this part in since it is so early however, this will be a big part of my healing process and to ignore dealing with and facing the myriad of emotions would only be cheating myself.

...one tiny thing... since this is our information to share, please understand my request that you do a happy dance for us ;-) but please refrain from sending congratulations to our extended family. This bloggy world is one of the places where I feel safe working through the emotions that I'm encountering and knowing that I have to be very careful about editing my thoughts would make that more difficult. Thanks!

Thank you for all of your prayers for KayCee and Genny. Genny had a stroke and has no brain activity. They are bringing the kids in to hold her and then removing life support.

Please continue to hold this family in your prayers as they go through this most difficult of times.

Prayers for Genny - She's Here!

An update to yesterday's post, again in KayCee's own words. I know many of you who read this already know but there are others who don't. Let's keep praying for this beautiful little girl.

my water broke shortly after i posted. it was a lot of fluid, but mostly blood. we were rushed to the or, where genny was born just 10 minutes later. complete placental abruption and wrapped tightly in her cord. they have no idea how long it had been since the placenta separated, but she is not breathing on her own. however, she is much bigger than they thought she would be!
i will try to update often, as you ladies have given me more support than my own family, and i don't know where i'd be without you.
keep praying ladies, it's a long road ahead.

genesis rebekah (last name removed by me)

6-23-08 (26wks)

10:43pm

1lb 8oz - 12.5" long

Afternoon update, please keep up the prayers:

Thank you ALL! I am having Sean print out each post and attach it to Genny's isolete.
I have been sleeping since I first posted this morning...They took Genny away to a bigger hospital so they could better care for her. I will not see her again (outside of pictures Sean sends) until they let me out of here, which I am trying hard to negotiate for tomorrow. They want me to stay until Fri/Sat because of the abruption and blood loss. I made Sean promise to stay with Genny, no matter what.
Because my cycle was so irregular, there is still no definate answer as to how far along I was, but because she's so big they want to treat her as a 28-29wkr, which would've put my EDD in Sept, not Oct.
She is still not breathing on her own and she is unresponsive to stimuli. I was told her APGARs were 0, 2 and 4. She has not opened her eyes and has already 'crashed' once. They are currently giving her only a 30% chance. But I have more faith than that and I know my Oct ladies do, too.
Right now my cell phone updates, gospel music, and BBC are keeping my sanity in check, so keep checking for updates. I can only hope that I get to see my baby soon.
Keep praying, ladies!

Another Manic Monday...

I think that keeping busy is good for me. I've been getting up, checking my email with a cup of coffee and then jumping into projects over the last few days. It's helping to keep my mind and body busy which is quite nice.

In true Manic Monday form, I have kind of been all over the place. Jim got up early and took the car to have some work done. Luckily the dealership gave him a rental instead of us having to try to play musical cars tonight plus he was able to come home for a few hours before having to go back in to work. After the kids went down for their naps I decided to start purging a bunch of stuff. Problem lying in the fact that I still haven't cleaned up completely from the room re-arranging. I did four loads of laundry that needed to be put away and when I went to the basement to do the laundry, I noticed that it really needed to be cleaned too. And you know what? Now, nothing is clean except for the bathrooms and I wouldn't even call them "clean". They are clutter free but clean takes on a whole new meaning when you're in the midst of potty training with a little boy! Oh well. I've found that my most successful "cleans" create a gigantic mess in the process... kind of feels like my life sometimes!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a serious note, my friend KayCee is 25 weeks pregnant with her rainbow baby... those are the babies that come into our lives after a loss. She has been on bed rest for weeks and just after her nanny left this afternoon, she got up to use the bathroom and slipped on one of her 2 year old sons cars and landed on her back. 10 minutes later contractions started. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital and that is the last that I know. In this situation, it really doesn't feel like no news is good news. Please keep her and baby Genny in your prayers. Genny has already shown to be in a precarious situation with slow growth, a loose knot in her cord and pre-term labor. Many prayers have gotten them this far and I hope and pray that the prayers can sustain them even longer.

Update in KayCee's words:
my contractions stopped an hour ago, i am 4cm dilated. i have a non-reactive nst and a positive ffn test. they are starting steroids for lung development and there are talks of a c/s soon, as genny has not grown any since my last appt.
if anyone wants to do anything i just ask that you please pray hard, PLEASE. we really want this baby and have been through hell and high water so far to get her. right now we are asking to be alone. the kids are with family, and hospital staff has been asked to stop calls and refuse all visitors for us, except our pastor.
also a friend of ours in the choir lost a baby several years ago at 23wks - his name was tj. every year our choir does the march of dimes walk for him. if there's anything you want to give, please donate to the march of dimes or a small victory.
i will be back as soon as i can.

More Decisions...

This cozy smile brought to you because Mommy was able to make a decision...

I don't know why it seems like I'm able to finally make decisions again but it's wonderful! In preparation for the arrival of "the new baby", we had moved everyone around upstairs. There are three bedrooms and one bathroom up there. So, we had moved K and R into the larger bedroom, us into the medium sized room, which really has the same usable floor space as the smaller room, and we used the smaller room for a catchall of baby items and things that would need to be rearranged as the room went through it's metamorphosis back into a nursery. The kids happily became roommates when I was in my 13th week. We didn't want all of the transitions to occur at once for them and we wanted to see how it would go in case we needed to go to a plan B. We could have made it "easy" and just moved to the largest bedroom which is on the main floor but we like to be on the same level as the kids, at least while they are young. Getting to my point... we moved everyone back to their own rooms again. It's nice to have the space back for us and K loves being back in her pink room. R is having a slightly more difficult time but I think that's because he's gotten used to K talking him to sleep. She was telling me that he was used to her standing and talking until he fell asleep, so that was probably it but all is quiet now.

I'm sure I was holding off on moving everything back to the way it was "before" because it would be totally admitting the loss. Admitting that things weren't going to happen as we had planned and admitting that we wouldn't be needing a nursery anymore. Lying in bed last night, I realized that very "best" (for lack of a better term) case scenario, we wouldn't actually be using a nursery for a year now. I couldn't justify us all living in limbo, for who knows how long, because of that. So, there you have it. I have admitted the "defeat" and everyone is actually quite happy to have their personal space back. I'm happy that the rooms, albeit small, are being used to their full potential once again. It's also nice to not feel like I'm still living in all the "could have beens". Plus, it gives me a sense of control, once again, when I know there are so many parts of my life that I can't control. I've decided that I'm more than ok with that though... the lack of control thing. I would much rather my "pilot" know my destination, the weather, the condition of the plane and all things I haven't even considered than to be flying blind.

Decisions...

So, earlier this evening I made a fairly big decision. I closed up my on-line business! What a relief. I wanted to do it right after we lost Eli but I didn't. I have always heard that you aren't supposed to make big purchases, life decisions, or business decisions in the midst of grief or trauma. I'm sure that's true and that's why I waited until tonight. I had ample time to think about whether it was something that I really wanted to do and after much discussion and inner thought, my answer was "yes". I still fully intend to design for my customers who choose to give me repeat business but I haven't been into "growing" my business for a while. I enjoy the sprinkling of designing that I have done and will continue to do. That's all I needed. It feels so good to have one less thing to worry about and to be able to know that I can focus on my family, 100%!

Speaking of family, little R actually let me snap a few photos of him without having to make silly faces. I thought I'd share one of my favorites:

The weather today was perfect again! We so deserve this after the long, cold, wet winter that hung on right through spring... except for those couple of 90 degree days that we had while I was sick. as. a. dog! It was very much a lay low, hang out kind of day. It was pretty humid so there was sitting and coloring, and then yard work (old fashioned weed eating, with two hands and this old tool that looks much like a golf club. I figured burning the extra calories certainly couldn't harm me and I wouldn't be fighting with tangled up string. Aside from the one back swing when I nearly launched it into the canyon, due to tired hands, it worked really well!), and then some more sitting while driving race cars on the table outside. I really enjoy the days where we just "are". We're not worrying about getting anything in particular done, about deadlines or bottom lines. I've learned how important it is to appreciate everything for what it is - nothing more, nothing less. Just perfect!

4 Months...

It's been 4 months now since we said "goodbye" to our baby boy. It's very strange. It's been a roller coaster and it's been emotional. I've also had days where I've been completely devoid of any emotion it seemed. Yup, weird indeed. I didn't look forward to this day with dread. Actually, I didn't think much about it and that makes me really relieved. I've really been trying to let go a bit and let Eli be a happy memory and not dwell on the drama of his death. Drama that I created myself which was undoubtedly compounded my hormones. Many people probably don't think about it - why would they? The hormone crash from delivering a baby that isn't alive is very different than the hormone crash when your baby is alive. One, there's no endorphin release that naturally occurs with basic things like breastfeeding so it was pretty intense. Some people probably think I'm crazy for wanting to move on but there are others in the same position. In my opinion, it's all about choice. I've said it before and I will say it again... I can choose to be better or bitter and I really, really aspire to be better. What a double tragedy if I were to stay bitter about this for forever.

I was sitting in my yard swing this morning, drinking a cup of coffee, looking over the lower field and soaking up the morning sun. I was wondering how different that field is going to look in just a few short years and even though I sometimes have difficulty with change, I think it'll be really good. I hope it will be. I guess I have spoken quite a bit about this place and it may seem kind of strange to those who aren't aware of our situation. I'll go over the short version. My children are the 5th generation, on my mom's side, to live in this house and on this property. We have been here for almost 8 years caring for the house and the property, to a lesser extent. My grandfather passed away the summer before I started 6th grade. Grandma passed away 2 years ago. We, as an extended family, have been waiting on the county to see if (collective) we would be able to keep the property in the family - my parents and uncle and aunt - and use it for timber lands. We received official word today that "yes" we can so the fields are naturally going to reforest. THAT will be a huge change but exciting! So, that's the short version, hopefully with enough details removed to keep everyone happy.

One of my girlfriends, who is also dealing with some "stuff" as I guess most all of us are since we're "grown-ups", shared her realization (well, this was what I heard her say...) that we can't label things as "bad" or "good". God creates everything perfectly. He knows all our days. My earlier losses gave me the opportunity to have K and R. Had my grandmother not had a stillborn son, my mother may never have "been" and you know where that would leave me. From simple things like being able to take a vacation to bigger things like vehicles or houses to the biggest things like existing... every "bad" thing and every "good" thing impacts our lives in a perfect way. We view them as "bad" or "good" because of our limited knowledge of the present and zero knowledge of the future. So, on a big day for me, it was nice to have reaffirmation of some of the thoughts with which I've been wrestling.

Yes, I'm a late night blogger. :-) I used to write during nap time but I have found that I sleep better getting my, often scattered, thoughts down in black and white before tucking myself into bed. I've also found that finally, after 4 months, I'm finally able to fall asleep with the tv off. That may seem like a little thing... falling asleep without distraction... but for me, that's a pretty big step. I'm ok being with my thoughts, even if they don't make much sense at the time. I feel like I've lost my train of thought now... the downfall to being a late blogger!

I hope you all had a great first day of Summer!

Thankful Thursday...

I think the Thankful Thursdays help me focus on the important things so I'm going with another one today.

I'm thankful that our meeting that I mentioned earlier in the week, went great! It appears that everything is going to go smoothly with getting this place moving forward as a timber farm so that is a big stress relief.

I'm thankful that I finally seem to just about have my energy level back up to par.

I'm thankful that R is progressing rapidly in the "big boy" department (though of course that does come with mixed emotions).

I'm thankful that K has a love for nature and the environment around here.

I'm thankful that they are both loving and funny little people.

I'm thankful that I get to be responsible for them.

I'm thankful that I have managed to stay totally out of the dumps this week even in the midst of a few opportunities to get worked up.

I'm thankful for summer on the horizon...

I'm thankful for my beautiful, emotional daughter...

I'm thankful for my hilarious, sensitive son...

I'm thankful for my supportive husband...

... who also lets me know when it's way past my bedtime and begs me to log off! I hope you have a lovely first day of summer tomorrow!

Less Word Wednesday...

Our Junior Environmentalist with a "baby tree"...

A Better Day...

Tonight's entry will be quite short. It's been a long, but good day. My parents are in town, the sun was trying to shine... at this point I'm just happy to have it not raining! Thankfully the days are a bit easier again and I'm hoping to keep it that way for a while. It was just one of those "normal" days, grocery shopping, naps, mowing the lawn (ok, half, I had Jim mow the other half), messing around with the dog and testing out a new recipe on the family. Rumor has it, it was very good... super simple and quite inexpensive too. Bonus! At any rate, that's the boring replay of our day and I'm glad to have a boring post for the day. It's actually nice to just feel more normal again. Very nice.

I'm hoping to get a few good pics of the kids tomorrow but we'll see... until then, I thought I'd share this totally unrelated to anything picture of a dragonfly outside the barn from the other day!

Father's Day Fun...

I think yesterday turned out pretty well. We hung around at home and just took it easy. We thought it was a very simple day. The kids, however, thought it was great! In their eyes we had a great golf day and a wonderful pool party. The sun was shining so we took full advantage of it. It's feeling like one of those summers where you have to, or you end up kicking yourself.



Luckily, I can feel the rip tide loosening it's grip so I'm comfortable in saying that, as a whole, this should be a better week... no, it WILL be a better week. I'm back to that "flat" place, where I don't have a whole bunch of emotion on either side of things and that actually feels good. That doesn't give me a whole lot to write about though! So, I'll share a few quick photos from yesterday and call it a night!

Rylan watching the "pro", in his eyes, and taking it all in!

Karleigh got sidetracked since she couldn't hit it as far as the trees in her first few shots so she went back to picking flowers off of the snowball bush...
Daddy picked her a daisy and note her swollen left eye-lid... she got a fly bite a day and a half earlier, up near her hair line, and as the swelling went down around the bite, it drained around her upper lid. She looked like a prize fighter but is all better today!
We finished up our day with a "pool party", you will note that no one is actually IN the pool but they were all still having a ton of fun!

My kids are super lucky to have such a fun daddy who lets them eat cake for breakfast, play with his good golf clubs, humors them by letting them win board games and gets up with them if they cry in the middle of the night among a ton of other things!

Happy Father's Day...

Since today is not about me, I'm going to share some birth photos of Jim and the kiddos. I was able to sneak away for a moment since he's watching the race and the kids are napping!

Karleigh finally arrived after 38 hours of labor on January 1st, '04...

Rylan arrived, quickly - less than 4 hours of labor, on October 11th, '05...

Eli came into the world as quietly as he left it on February 20th, 2008...

And for fun, in honor of Father's Day, a 3 generation photo of Rylan racing towards daddy and grandpa...

The Other Side...

Well, in the wee hours of this morning, I made it to the other side. The side where Eli has now been gone longer than he was with us. I was hoping that it would feel like a release. That would feel like some closure had been obtained from reaching this mark in time. That hasn't happened. I could wake up tomorrow and feel totally different but for today, I don't.

I have been in a foul mood for the last couple of days. Much of it, I'm sure, has to do with the messed up hormones in my system... not enough to do what they needed to but just enough to make me a nut case when normally, I'm actually quite stable. That's fun. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with what a "big" week this was, emotionally.
Sunday, with the blood draw and sky high hopes for anything and everything, sunny weather, a family day.
Monday with high hopes but no answer from the Dr's office yet.
Tuesday with the news that not only am I emotionally broken, I'm physically broken too.
Wednesday with disappointment of being broken on my birthday which I really didn't even want to celebrate this year. Having to listen to three "women" drink wine at the table next to us and rather loudly discuss when they were going to start having babies and how after "like the first 8 weeks, you're golden". It took every ounce of self restraint not to snap back with a "Get REAL! Are you totally clueless?" Oh and checking the mail and having to open an invitation to a baby shower, that I probably will go to but ouch. And then, feeling guilty about not being happy about receiving the invitation... come on!
Thursday, the sun came out again but I still wasn't able to kick the crummy mood that I've been in.
Friday was totally overwhelming as the house was messy, nap time lasted all of an hour and a half which is half our normal amount. R has been a potty training rock star and still is but just after he went potty in the late afternoon hours *grossness warning* ended up with a case of diarrhea on the white sofa, down his legs all the while he's saying "sowwy mommy, sowwy mommy..." I wasn't mad, kept my cool, told him that it wasn't his fault, it was just an accident, he probably just thought he was tooting and put him on the toilet so he could finish up, which he did, pulled the cushion covers off, tossed them in the wash, tossed him in the tub, cleaned up the carpet between the sofa and the bathroom... we were all good. Got him out of tub and dried off, pull-ups on just in case (he's been fine since - even woke up dry this morning!), he ran off to the playroom to play. While I was still cleaning up the bathroom he came back in with "beautiful marker artwork" all over his body. I had a firm talk about how markers stay on paper, etc. etc. etc. wiped him off and he ran off to play. I was still cleaning the bathroom and two minutes later, he was back... all marked up again! That time he was punished. It was a total comedy - for someone on the outside - of errors. Anyway, that was enough to make me pretty much feel like a parenting failure and of course my head started going to that place that says, "No wonder you're not going to get pregnant. You can't even remotely handle the two that you have - and they're EASY kids!" But whatever. I know that's just self doubt creeping in but come on!
Saturday, the day that Eli has been gone for longer than my body held him. Kind of bites that I can't get myself to a good place about this.

Man, it's a good thing I gave a warning earlier in the month that I would probably unload with a few vents thanks to the hormones. I guess that was an understatement. I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow brings me a little more peace but I'm guessing, with it being Father's Day, it won't. Maybe Monday...

God Smiling...

I didn't even notice this as I was snapping the pic of the hawks... it wasn't until I came in and opened them on my computer. Intentional or not, it was a nice little pick-me-up!

Thankful Thursday...

This is what I'm thankful for...

And... hot shins and thighs from working in the sunshine, children's cold medicine, Freecycle, birthday money, good friends, ice cream with chocolate sauce and peanuts, 3 hours of quiet time, blooming flowers and that the Lord can hear me pray no matter where I am. I've been doing that a lot lately because I'm feeling pretty out of control. I need to find that peace again.

I look at the picture above, I just took it yesterday, and think... gee, that girl looks like she's doing ok! But my inside doesn't feel like it matches. Bummer. Just another shift of the tide. It's been a longer span of time between this shift and the last. Again, I will roll with it and everything will be fine just as soon as it loosens it's grip in a few days. Meanwhile, I'll take the sunshine for the next couple of days, that's soothing to the soul.

Less Word Wednesday...

Happy Birthday to me!

Really??!!??

Ugh. See these two pictures? This is what the weather is like today, and what it was like yesterday, and probably what it will be like tomorrow. Hello? It's June. To me, June does not scream wind, rain, fog and 40 degree temps at noon.

Isn't it supposed to be about sun, gentle breezes, bright flowers and new life? Well, apparently this year, it's not and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. I do know that I'm not the only one with this problem around here but good grief! In all fairness it is supposed to be about 80 on Friday and then in the mid-70's at least through Monday and I'll hope that Murphy's Law doesn't take over after that since we have a timber management meeting here on Wednesday. It will be much more pleasant walking the property with the county muck-a-mucks in dry weather since the grass in the fields, though sparse, is quite tall this year.

*vent warning - you've been given fair notice, look away now!*

This weather, like I said, isn't really helping on the mental side of things either. I finally got up the nerve to call the dr's office yesterday afternoon and request my results, they weren't in yet but Dr.B called this morning to let me know that, based on the blood draw, I did NOT ovulate. Really?!? So, he has called in my Rx for the 100 mg dosage (this month was 50) so now I hurry up and wait some more. This part is frustrating. I have never NOT ovulated on the 50 mg dosage so this, again, is new territory. Blah. I'm getting tired of new territory. Literally tired, not necessarily OF it but BY it. Focus. Focus. Focus. A reason for it? Probably but it kind of bites to know that what worked before is not working now. I certainly didn't expect to get pregnant this month, but I also didn't expect to not even ovulate (according to the blood tests - I know there's always hope and I'm kind of a freak of nature anyway, obviously).

The Lord will work out his plans for my life-for your loving kindness, Lord, continues forever.
Psalms 138:8

Lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

So, onward and forward I suppose...

Random Thoughts...

First, no, I do not have a favorite child... I just have one that stands still a little bit longer than the other one does!

Second, I'm not sure if this post, yet again, is really going to have too much that follows a single train of thought. I'm finding that to be an issue lately. With the kids, with Jim, with my friends... I'll start a story or saying something and I'll get sidetracked and *boom* I'm off to something else. Then I'll be laying in bed, reflecting on the day and think "hey, I never finished that story!" I'm really not sure what that's all about, stress, hormones, getting old, having too many thoughts coursing through my brain at any given moment. I'm not sure. I'm still kind of feeling like I'm in that "fog" so we will see if that lifts in time.

Third, I've had several people ask me if we have anything planned for Eli's due date. We have thought about doing a little bit but then again we don't have a due date that really stuck in our minds. It kept getting moved around and with R coming 3 full weeks early we realized how "general" the due date is. So, aside from the few little things I have planned, simple things really, just little add ons to the garden. I'm thinking that what we'll do is a butterfly house for the kids to watch for several weeks - K has been bugging (haha!) me about doing the butterfly thing and since they had it at the pre-school, the requests have been more frequent. Not begging, just nice sincere requests. We will then let the butterflies go in Eli's Garden. I know they won't stick around and that's ok but I figure that solves a couple of issues that I've been dealing with. Namely, the due date issue. We'll let the butterflies go when they're ready, sometime around the end of July. I'll let God and the butterflies determine what day we let them fly.

The Caged Bird...

...this one was not exactly singing.

Now, before you go and call PETA, there's a story. Of course there is right!?! First a little background. The "cage" is really an old egg basket from the chicken house (we live on an old farmstead). The plant inside the basket is a Black Eyed Susan. It's all caged up like that because we have rabbits that love to eat the Black Eyed Susans all the way down to the ground. They especially like the new little growth which is always new little growth if it has to keep growing back from being chomped down. We, however, did not place this poor little bird inside of the cage though. Jim looked out the window this morning and saw it flapping around in there and came and got me with a "you have to see this". As best we can guess, the little guy was hopping around the flower bed hunting for worms and probably squeezed through the one end that had a slightly larger opening where the handle? is. I joked that maybe it just ate too much while inside so it couldn't get out. At any rate, I took a picture (of course) and then we lifted the basket up and it flew away. With a little "cheep cheep" which sounded very much like "thank you!" No harm, No fowl --- pun totally intended!



Today was my day 21 blood draw. The hospital was strangely empty... which is actually a good thing. I ended up having my blood drawn in the ER (since it was a Sunday and the outpatient lab was closed), where I was the ONLY patient. A nurse came down, slid the needle in, got my vile and taped me up - that quick! I really do like this new hospital. They didn't make me fill out any paperwork since I'm already in the system, it was flawless. Nice. I have a nice lump and bruise now but that's a small price to pay to get an idea of what's going on. It was very surreal to be back at the same hospital where I delivered Eli. This time I arrived with a little bit of hope in my heart. We even stopped at the fountain outside and tossed pennies in as we left... kind of therapeutic. I guess it's all about your frame of mind. I could have gone over there with a ton of anxiety and gotten myself totally worked up but I chose not to do that. I am finding that with grief, as with so many other things, it's all about how I CHOOSE to look at it and experience things. It's sure nice that I have that God given freedom of choice.

Saturday Short...

I don't think I have anything too exciting today. I've just been hanging low and straightening up the house. I did get outside for a few minutes since there was a short break in the weather and was able to see that the radishes that K and I planted are popping up out of the dirt, looking for the sun - who isn't!?

I was able to snap a pic of Abby and Mumpy this morning at a "family event"...

...pretty cute huh!? Honestly, it was a little strange being at Build A Bear with the kids yesterday. We were planning on making their first visit very close to this time of year only it was going to be under different circumstances. We were planning to let them each make animals and then, together, make one to give to the baby when they visited at the hospital. As I have learned so often recently, plans change. It doesn't mean that life is now horrible and everything that we do now will always have a different meaning. What it means is that we have learned that we have to be fluid and change as our circumstances change, that's all but it's a huge lesson that takes so long to learn and accept.

The kiddos decided to invite Mumpy and Abby to a tea party this morning. Luckily the tea was only water and the treats were Kix! It was pretty cute to watch them have such a great time!

Friday Fun...

Oh man! It has been WET and COLD! This was Jim's last day of three off in a row and he had a meeting that he had to go to down in Oregon. So, instead of considering the day a waste, we got the kids up early and all went with him. The meeting was at one of the malls there and since we arrived early we grabbed some Starbucks and sat in the food court and chatted about our plans for the day which ended up including lots of play time in the play area, some shopping for a few new outfits for the kiddos, a new soccer ball, lunch at McD's and the biggest hit of all, a trip to Build A Bear Workshop. It's true that we're getting one of our own at "our" mall before too long but we decided why not? It's rainy and cold and wet. The kids loved it!

K picked out an orange tabby kitty with a heart beat (they were out of meows... I'm thinking, in hindsight, that's a good thing), a pink dress and matching shoes. Her name is Abby, of course. R picked out a monkey with the monkey sound (yah, that doesn't get old *not*), a Blazers uniform and a basket ball. His name is, get this, very creative... Mumpy. I would show you pics of Abby and Mumpy but they're both tucked into bed right now!

All in all it was a really good day, the kids were great again while we were out and they were crazy, playing together with their animals, when they got home. We did get thrown for a loop today as our 'check engine' light came on in the car and there's something about that light staring back at me that just sends me into total panic mode. We drove directly to the dealership and made an appointment for Monday because apparently, no one really works past 3:00 on Friday. Turns out, a solid light means that there's an emissions control that is outside of "normal" range and it's not a big deal. If the light is blinking... no more driving. Good to know. The service guy did tell us that it's very likely that the sensor that has a recall on it is what is causing the problem. Recall? Humm, that would have been nice to know about before the light came on. I find it interesting that the dealership has no problem telling us about the newest models, deals, sales, and specials but fails to send the recall information. At any rate, that part is going to be replaced for free anyway and if they can't get to it right away, they'll give us a rental. Not bad.

It's nice to feel like there is some sense of normalcy moving back into our lives. I felt like myself today. Part of it could have been that I was back in my old stomping ground from our college days and another part, I think is just the general healing that is taking place. Nice.

15 weeks 1 day...

Does that sound like a long time or a short time to you? That's how long it's been since I delivered Eli... I can't say "gave birth" because to me that means life as does "was born"... so usually I just say that's when I delivered him.

I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of writing and a lot of crying and even some laughing over that span of time. A lot of the time I feel like I'm doing much better but then you get those days - those gray, rainy, Pacific Northwest days that make you just want to pack up and head some where, any where where it's sunny. That will be something we do before too long if we have to.

It's strange because even though my life feels like it's kind of been in this weird in between place no body elses has stopped. My friends that are due to have their babies after me are all huge and cute and round and I'm back to 'normal'. They're complaining about being uncomfortable (the one huge pet peeve I have now) and I'm sleeping 'normally' - falling asleep on my stomach and waking up on my back - without worry of harming the child inside of me, because there isn't one. Blah. If the sun would make an appearance, I'd be glad that I was able to run around with the kids, sit in the sun and not be at all uncomfortable and clumsy but since all we're doing is hanging out in our sweats in the house, I sometimes feel like I might as well be round and pregnant. But I'm not. Anyway, that's enough of a vent there.

Back to yesterday. The pre-school visit went really well. K will have NO problem adjusting - she wanted to stay. The classes were on their bathroom and water break when we left and the hall was filled with a chorus of "Bye Karleigh!" so I think we're ok there. When we got back in the car she did say that she wished there were real desks so she could learn easier. I explained that in pre-school, most kids get to sit at those neat little tables instead of desks. She seemed to accept that answer only when I offered that cutting and pasting are easier at a table than at a little desk. Man, those chairs are SHORT though!

We then moved on to the mall to do a little shopping as evidenced by the outfit in the pic from yesterday and stopped at Starbucks for some "pink coffee". The barista's were so sweet to her - it could be because she walked up to the counter with total authority and ordered a "pink coffee please"! The barista asked her her name and so she told her. The lady asked "with a C?" and K said "no with a K... K...A...R...L, right mom? (me:yup!) ummm, E... or I?... E... I... G... H - that's it". They thought it was a beautiful spelling - which it is and every letter has meaning but it isn't the easiest one to spell. But, obviously, she'll get used to it! So, "Karleigh" and "Karleigh's Mommy" got our drinks and wandered down to the pet store.

It's times like that that I realize that my life is still moving on even when part of it feels like it's standing still too. That's what I mean about it being a really strange place for me. I'm actually looking forward to it next year though. We've been leading a pretty blissfully unscheduled life the last year or so, after being too over scheduled and scattered. It will be nice to get into a consistent routine. Maybe THAT will help me feel more like a grown up!

Less Word Wednesday...

The preschool visit went quite well and we had a lovely girly day, this little chicklet and me.

Whaaaa?...

Guess what?

I have NO idea what to write tonight.

Not one single clue... so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I bet it will be VERY random and less than inspirational.

• Let's see, our big thing tomorrow is that K and I are going to go check out the proposed pre-school. There are a few in the area but this one seems good from the outside, so we're going to check out the inside tomorrow morning. This kid is growing up way too fast!



• I was reading the newest issue of Fitness magazine... ironically while drinking a banana milkshake tonight, and there were what? about 5 women lined up, mostly in their 30's and one was 28 as I recall. I looked at them and thought "WHOA, do I really look that old to everyone else?" Clearly, yes, according to the girls on MAX the other night. Not that it matters but I guess I don't look to me like someone who can say "why yes young man, I'm in my 30's..." humm... I wonder if I plastered a picture up where no one knew my age, what the guess would be. Have you ever seen the program 10 Years Younger? Yah, made me think of that. Anywhoo... what do you think? Maybe I just have a really distorted sense of perception...

• OH! While we were outside the other day we spotted a hurken snake in the flower garden that's right up against the wood shed. Now, where we live, we don't really have very many harmful snakes but this dude was pretty big. The kids loved it though... weirdos. Yah, K loved watching the snake but earlier in the day she went in the wood shed to grab some "organic material" (old cow poo) and came bolting back out, screeching and crying huge tears and slightly hyperventilating. She saw a mouse. A *quote* "big scary mouse, but it really wasn't that big just more scary and not really scary but it really startled me but I screamed so I probably scared it too..." All said through blubbering tears and screaming and then laughing because half way through her story she realized that it was just a mouse and that it was running away from her. However, she was quite glad to learn that the snake, later in the day, eats mice.


• I have told you how protective she is of Eli's Garden... well we HAD one little rabbit that was causing most of the damage. That won't be a problem anymore. We had a very determined fuzzy cat who took care of that "issue". When K overheard what had happened. She barely looked up from her corn on the cob and said "Well, good! but YUCK!" Come on! I was actually expecting her to be upset, but like I said, she loves that garden. In fact, that other night she woke up crying talking about how she was worried about what was going to get into the garden and eat the plants while we slept. So, here she is protecting the garden:
  


• R has had some more potty success. He managed to stay dry during our whole outing on Saturday and asked when he needed to use the bathroom and at the park yesterday he used the bathroom and he woke up dry from his nap today and used the potty most of the day too... I haven't had a gross pull-up in a few days now! Woohoo! (that was a terribly long sentence there!) He's getting to be a big boy too!

Yah, that's it! That's all I've got for tonight so I'm off to bed in a bit so I can get up ready to take on a whole new adventure with the pre-school thing. Reality is, it'll probably take less than 30 minutes but still... this is a big thing for both of us!

Project Impact...

"A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives..."
~Jackie Robinson

As I was putting the ticket stubs and MAX tickets away in our keepsake box, I flipped over this little post card that a PGE Park employee handed us as we left the game the other night. I really like the quote and thought it was worth sharing.

The quote made me think about how true it is on so many different levels. There are the obvious ones but I got to thinking about how it pertains to being a mother. Sure, as a mom I have an undeniable impact on my children's lives, that's a given. It is fair though to remind myself that I also control what kind of impact it is. I give them memories every day, are they the type of memories that I want to be giving them? Am I teaching them life lessons in a fun way? Or am I too uptight and wrapped up in myself and my "concerns" to let go a bit and have fun? I'd like to think not on the last issue.

I have been making a conscious effort to get back to being the fun mom that I used to be "before". I know that the tone of this blog is going to shift a bit as the up days become more frequent and the down days grow fewer and further between. That doesn't mean for one second that I'm better, that I'm over it, that I've healed... I probably never will. From experience, lucky me, I do know that the days will get easier and that's totally ok, actually, it's more than ok. It's GREAT! However, I am prepared for those days when I slip back into the grumps, the pity party, the poor me attitude. But in reality, there's not a lot for me to say "poor me" about. If I'm sad about losing my son, that's pure selfishness. He's in a better, perfect place and I will get to meet him the right way some day.

I have been working on scheduling a few more things in our lives. Gas prices are going to eat us alive since we live so far out of town but the kids, and me too for that matter, deserve to get out. We have spent way too much time at home since those fateful days in February. Today we headed to the park in town with some friends. We played a bit, had a picnic lunch and then played some more. We realized how cliche' it seemed to be having a play date at a park but I'm thinking cliche or not, the kids all loved it. The day started out pretty cloudy but by the middle of our park visit it was sunny and arguably almost hot. The weather was perfect and R has pink cheeks tonight to prove it! They all played on the play ground and then we changed our clothes and played on the spray ground. By the time I had started dinner, it was raining outside. I'm thrilled that we grabbed our window of opportunity and enjoyed today for what it was.

It was such a simple outing but the kids loved it. I need to make sure that every day, every moment has a positive impact on the lives around me. Here are a few photos from today...