October 15th

I did not forget about October 15th yesterday. I lit my candles at 7 pm. I thought about Eli and Collin and all of our other lost babies. I thought about my baby loss momma friends and their babies, some that they got to hold, some that they didn't. And I would love to name them all but nothing hurts like seeing that your baby has been forgotten so I'm going to avoid causing that hurt and hope that they all had feelings of peace and love while specifically setting aside time just for them.

But this year was much different for me. On October 15th Stella also turned 6 months old and I tried to focus a bit more on my present than my past. I had a beautiful mental image and planned to do a balloon release for my past but my present is sick and needed to go to the pediatrician for antibiotics and ear drops for a bad ear infection. An ear infection that I was told, had I waited until Monday it probably would have ruptured. I still think of what might have been every day so I guess, while it is nice to have one day dedicated to our babies, it's not a necessity for me. But I still remember...

Four Letter Word

It's been a while since I've updated anything here, obviously. And the longer I go without updating the more overwhelming it seems... like there are a million things that I want to "talk" about but they all run together and then I kind of think "eh, that's not even interesting". :)

Our last few weeks can be summed up in one four letter word: sick. And not the kind of sick that the 'cool kids' are using instead of the words neat-o or cool. Man I'm getting old. At any rate, sick, sick, sick.

This past month everyone has had a nasty cold, then Karleigh came down with pneumonia and missed a week of school. On her first day back, Rylan got the flu - on his fifth birthday. The next day Stella got a rash all over the trunk of her body that looks kind of like tiny, red baby acne but isn't. She still has her rash has continued to be cranky, not sleeping well and in fact was up from 1:30 to 3:30 early this morning with a fever. I'm thinking maybe we need a trip to the desert while our house gets bleached down. Either that or I just need to put us all in a bubble for a while.

Thankfully, we did get a day of reprieve where everyone was feeling ok and attitudes were really quite good, to celebrate Rylan's 5th Birthday. Last Saturday we had an airplane birthday party for him. My parents came down to celebrate with us and he had a great time. We went to the local air museum and then came back for cake, presents and his favorite pizza. It was fun and relaxing and a very welcome break to everything else that's been going on.

It's kind of hard to realize how fast five years goes. How much they change and learn and grow. We're really proud of him though and are soaking up what could be the last remaining bit of him really needing us for cuddles and hanging out.