Happy on My Face

Even with everything that has gone on - test results that give me no answers, continued loss, still working through this process - dare I say I'm making strides and starting to feel a bit more normal. It's been such a process that I don't think I've actually been able to step back and notice it for myself until today.

When we went to the beach on Thursday, Karleigh asked if she could have my "old new camera" for the day. That's her way of asking for the camera that I was using up until December and believe it or not, I actually told her yes. She's quite careful with it and I figure the best way to learn is through doing and she's actually "doing" quite well. It's funny to hear her groan when the flash goes off and then watch her set it so it won't fire. She says she likes grain better than the flash. That's obviously not exactly the way she puts it but that's the point she was trying to get across as we were looking at them today. Fair enough, that's her style and I'm not going to ask her to change it :) Obviously I cropped and edited them a bit but you can't Photoshop in the emotion.

Anyway, on to my point finally. I looked through the pics that she took, most without me knowing and you know what? I look happy in them. Not the fake smile that I've been used to putting on but real smiles while buckling Rylan into his seat, when she called my name to get me to turn around and just chatting with Jim. It makes me so glad to know that this is the look that they are seeing again because this is the way that I want them to remember me.

Psalm 30:5

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Thursday, Beach Day!

As I've mentioned, several times... actually to the point of almost bragging... our weather has been wonderful. Not only was is sunny today, it was near 90 so we took off this morning and hit the beach instead of sweating it out here at the house. The kids had a blast and it was great to just sit around for several hours. If by sit around I mean we walked around, built sand castles and almost, literally, had to drag the kids out of the ocean then yah, we sat around. It was so great and a fairly uneventful day!

These kids have some crazy hops!

We decided to grab one quick family pic after we took the kids over the Astoria Megler bridge, which Karleigh was not too fond of. She's going through this weird afraid of heights and doubly afraid of heights if it's over water thing. We actually had to carry her down from the river viewing tower earlier in the day because she couldn't handle seeing the water below her through the metal stairs. However, back to the bridge... once we were across she admitted that it was a pretty great bridge and was fine as we went back to the Astoria side. Rylan's not looking his finest in this pic. He was very tired and said his tummy hurt. He was asleep in his car seat before I buckled myself in.

Not 45 minutes down the road I felt him kicking my seat and I turned around to look at him and saw... if you're a mom, the look. The look that makes you blurt out "Oh man, he's going to throw up." Jim pulled off the road instantly but it was too late. He threw up on himself and his seat. I don't like puke. In fact, I haaaaaate puke but on puke level of 1 to 10, I would say this was only a 2. He had had some Dr. Pepper when we were leaving Seaside and they never get bottled soda, fountain soda on occasion, but both of them complained about how carbonated it was. We're thinking that was the problem because after getting cleaned off and drinking some water he said he felt a lot better and looked it too. That was about it for excitement so, though I detest puke, it wasn't bad at all.

See? Back in town and all better!

Genetically Speaking...

Genetically speaking, I'm totally normal. Not only normal but the picture of health, the kind of person who should have the healthiest of healthy pregnancies.
So why have I lost eight?
We may never ever know.

I finally got the call yesterday evening that they Karyotyping results were back and the nurse let me know right away that they came back normal but that Dr. C still wanted to see me... "tomorrow" [which is now today]. So, I went in today at 2:30 and sat down with Dr. C in the same consult room where I bawled my eyes out when he gave me the results of Eli's last sonogram. I just kept reminding myself that today was a different day. He was really great going over the results of all the testing over the last year or so. Gosh, it really has been almost a year that we started this in depth testing. Anyway. I'm not even close to being borderline on anything. No lupus, no toxoplasmosis, no blood clotting disorders, no diabetes, no anemia, nothing.
Nothing is wrong with me that medical science can uncover.
Nothing is wrong with Jim's chromosomes either.
It was really quite cool to see the karyogram right there in front of me. I mean really, who ever gets to see right in black and white, copies of their chromosomes. Crazy cool! Maybe not $1500 cool, but cool none the less.

So, we are back again, at square one. Dr. C said he's really been looking over my file and he's beginning to wonder if we aren't just dealing with a bad reaction to the Clomid, bad "luck", and just an anomaly in Eli's case. He's now grasping at chalking up my early losses to poor endometrial lining thanks to Clomid side-effects. I've always known that to be a possible side-effect and one that really bites. What a catch 22 huh? Many months I don't ovulate without the Clomid but the Clomid makes a crummy, thin lining so that the "kid" is already having to battle from the very beginning and more times than not, ends up losing. Of course, that doesn't explain why Eli's heart stopped and doesn't explain my most recent miscarriage since those were both conceived without the Clomid but... it could be an answer to the slew of early losses even, apparently, including my first and Collin. There's no way to prove it though.

New action plan? Right now we are just going with flow. The "what will be will be" route without stressing about it all. Of course, who am I kidding? I've been focused on our family building for the last, almost, ten years. To just change that train of thought will be very, very difficult. Dr. C is looking to Rx Letrozole (Fermara) to me off-label. I have no problem with that. There are many, many drugs that are used off-label with great results. I've actually heard of it used as an infertility drug and I like that it doesn't have the same side-effect as Clomid... messing with the uterine lining. At this point though, I'm doing my research like he asked me to do and we're really thinking about what road we're going to take.

I have my answers, even if they are devoid of information and now my main mission is to focus on and be thankful for who and what I do have!

I Plan Things, Why?

So, I have this cute 3 year old... you might recall, this one right here.

And, you might recall that he had an appointment with Early Intervention and then a speech screening and that they basically said "close but you'll have to work with him at home." In light of that information, I planned to go ahead and have Karleigh start Kindergarten and then Rylan would stay home with me this coming school year and then we would have to find a preschool for the following year. The thought of another preschool search was a bit unnerving because I felt really good about Karleigh's preschool and then after several months, I discovered that it wasn't what she needed.

Back to what I was saying...

On Friday, Rylan and I had our appointment with the speech therapist and the school counselor to officially review his evaluation results and sign off on the findings. Turns out, silly planner, that he does qualify for speech therapy by one missed letter sound. Speech therapy qualifies him for the preschool program. I am, however, getting used to this new plan as it solves a few problems for me. I've been praying that finding the right preschool for him would be possible... not exactly the answer that I expected but I'm ready to embrace it. It should be interesting to see how the schedules work out but the school counselor did say that we should be able to get both Karleigh and Rylan on similar schedules. They won't ride the same bus, even if they are in school at the same time, although it's very possible that their classroom doors will only be 4 feet apart. Oh well!

This is just a big 'ol change in plans that I need to wrap my brain around. Had you asked me in January '08 what I thought my family was going to be doing and what it was going to look like in September '09 I think I would have sorrily missed reality... big time! I never would have guessed that "all" of my kids would be getting on a bus and going to school. Other than the little yuck in my tummy that I already had when thinking of sending just one off to school... not because I don't trust our public school because I really do, so far, I actually feel like this is probably the right thing for us.

Even though they are 21 months apart, they do seem to do everything together!

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Strange sighting for us... we were shopping yesterday at one of those cheap mega stores that I hate to admit to even shopping at but we decided to check there for life jackets and fishing poles for the kids and we saw another type of kid. No kidding... (how do you like that!?) we saw a woman in her truck with a goat on her lap.

A Goat!

Wearing a diaper!!!

I can't make this stuff up!

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My blogging has been slacking and the only thing I can blame is the beautiful weather! It's been incredible. Seriously, it's been more like July than May which is such a welcome change as it helps the attitude incredibly. It also helps bedtime around here. The kids are pretty much totally worn out by 6:30 or so that's been great! But, so am I.

Total Randomness

That's good for a Tuesday, right? I like total randomness and here are some random thoughts and stories from the last few days...

First, a pretty cute pic of Rylan in my parents back yard. Yah, I know. It could be ANYWHERE, but trust me, that's where I snapped it!

And one of Karleigh in our back yard, again, trust me. This was yesterday when she set up a "beach" with a blanket and an umbrella, coloring books and crayons.

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Please, people, I don't care what your size, age, or gender... a peach or nude or skin colored shirt is never a good choice. Ever. And I saw it at least 4 times this weekend. I guarantee, from even a mild distance, you will look naked and really? ewwww. Thanks for your cooperation!

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Our van? apparently has a complex. Seriously. I had the cruise control on this weekend and every time I started to get passed, I could feel it down-shift and speed up. No kidding. I do not think, however, that that's an excuse that would hold up in court. Luckily, I don't need to test it out.

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The kids and I headed to my parents house for the weekend. The weather was incredible, the water was so clear and though we had a thunderstorm blow through today, it's supposed to be like this again for the next few days!

The first evening, we took a walk around the Theler Wetlands which was pretty neat. Mom and I walked around. The kids ran around and avoided eye contact with me at every opportunity but that's ok. Not every picture has to have their cute faces in it.

After running up and down the boardwalk in the sun, we headed back into the tree canopy and Rylan was standing there watching a totally annoying crow. I looked up and right in front of us was this Barred Owl. The crow had been picking on the owl.

We watched "her", "she" watched us and it was just so neat. Right there, in the wild, closer than in any zoo. Rylan sat down to watch and as I looked over at him, quicker than any fast-draw champion, he reached down, ripped his croc right off his foot and threw it. Threw it! Into the yucky, mucky wetlands where the signs clearly state "stay on the paths and boardwalks". Nice. So of course, he laughed, Karleigh started crying "but those were so cute on him..." Truth is they're almost too small for him but really? I didn't feel like packing him around because he now only had one shoe. So, I looked around and finally spotted the bright blue shoe and there was no way to reach it and way too murky to break the rules. I decided on a stick as my tool of choice. I must say, the owl was quite interested in the whole process. And yes, I did finally rescue the beloved shoe but good grief! Such a boy and he's totally at that impulse stage which kept us on edge the whole weekend.

Karleigh half-way cooperated for a moment since we were out of the direct sun. She thought this big old log was pretty cool. (note the rescued blue croc at the bottom of the pic!)

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I was viewing this photo [below] when one of my friends emailed me the following verse:

The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7

That pretty much made me bust out laughing. Not sure it was the intention but it's nice to know that God does have a sense of humor too!

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We're getting more and more excited for our first long family vacation. Only about 3 1/2 weeks away, which also means that I'm going to have to get used to being a year older. The kids are really looking forward to all the hiking, the stocked trout pond, tennis courts, pools and everything else that our vacation to Glacier National Park is going to hold. Me too! Summer is certainly on its way. The news just hinted at temps in the 90's next week. I certainly was looking forward to something different this summer than what is going to happen instead but I insist that we enjoy these new opportunities that we've been given. Because He gives and He takes away... but He also GIVES... let's focus on that part.

Keep On Keeping On

It's been several days since I've blogged anything but that's mostly because it's been a quiet week around here. Rainy and cold... until today. I went back and re-read my post about Mother's Day and really, I didn't mean it to sound "poor me" because it's not poor me but like one of my friends said, it's just the wistful thoughts that can tie you up and bind you a bit.

On Wednesday Karleigh and I actually went out for a "girl day". We did some shopping, got coffee and hot chocolate and then dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. So yum! It was such a blessing to just get to spend some time, the two of us, and really watch her. For the record, I don't think I've ever seen someone enjoy anything as much as she enjoyed that dessert. Totally worth the drive and the traffic on the way home.

I've also been "keeping on" by continuing to look forward to our family trips that are coming up over the course of the next months. I'm really looking forward to doing things together, as a family, just for us. It may not be the way I pictured it but it will still be good. It will be so very good. It certainly is not something that we've done in the past so it will be a tiny bit outside our comfort zone to just pick up and take a vacation with no real plan. We have our destinations chosen and we're ready for the journey!

They Tried Their Best

I think my little family really did try their very best to give me a great Mother's Day and I blew it for myself. I tried to stay upbeat all day long but in the end I still ended up crying myself to sleep.

Is every Mother's Day going to be like this from now on?

I just could not keep my mind from going to "that place". That place where I wanted to be celebrating with three children this year. That place where I had instead embraced the joy of celebrating two living children and a pregnancy 2 months from delivery. Nope. Instead I celebrated Mother's Day with the facade of a "perfect little family" - that's what we look like from the outside - and the reality of a broken heart and ridiculous reminder of everything that has gone on. Yup, par for the course, my first period since my last miscarriage finally showed up while we were hiking in the gorge. I was prepared because, let's face it, I knew that if that's the way it could go... that's the way it would go. I hate that the formerly optimistic me has turned into such a pessimist.

At any rate, Jim took the kids to town, let them pick out flowers (they chose a dozen red roses and a dozen pink roses) and then brought them home with Starbuck's. They were so happy to bring me the flowers and coffee and I did my best to be excited with them. After the coffee was gone, I quickly realized that I was going to go nuts if I had to sit around so I told Jim that I wanted to go to the gorge and so he quick popped up to mow the lawn because taking care of our home takes precedence and the rain was supposed to roll in again yesterday evening. So, he mowed it all in record time. By the time I was done with my shower and drying my hair, he was ready for his shower. Impressive! So, we got ready and headed east. We grabbed Sonic for lunch and ate on the way. We made a few stops to take pictures (none of which I'm very happy with). We stopped at the park near the base of Beacon Rock and Rylan saw people climbing it so he decided he wanted to do that. So... we did. It is an incredible view and does make the crazy amount of vertical switch-backs worth it. He made it almost the whole way on his own but Jim ended up carrying him most of the way back down. Better than up, trust me, the last bit was tough for him so I lugged him. Karleigh was a rock star and did the whole thing up and back with very little complaint, a few comments about it being hard work but no real complaining. Of course about half way up she said "you know what? I forgot to tell you, I'm afraid of heights." Tough luck kiddo! She got over it and kept going on about how beautiful it was. I didn't mention that they are both crazy stuffed up and sick with colds which made it even more impressive. I spent my last Mother's Day home with sick kids so *luckily* they had their fevers earlier in the week this year.

After Beacon Rock, we crossed the Bridge of the Gods and headed into Oregon. We stopped at Multnomah Falls but the parking lot was insanely full so we quickly said "forget it" and popped back on the freeway and took a drive up to Vista House instead. The rain clouds were starting to roll in but we never did get rained on. We walked around the Vista House a bit and then headed down the scenic loop. We stopped at Latourell Falls and hiked around a bit. The kids loved when we went down to the bottom of the 249 foot falls and they got soaked by the spray. It was really relaxing and I'm glad we did it. By the time we had checked out a few places it was nearing 6 pm so we headed home for a quick dinner and poured the kids into bed.

It was a good day but I think it will probably take quite a while for me to slip into a Mother's Day where it all just feels great. There are always going to be parts of me missing and no matter how well behaved the kids are, how nice the weather is or how hot the coffee is, it's always going to be that way. However, I do not let the fact that I do have Karleigh and Rylan to share the day with, escape me. I'm so very blessed to have them but I do think that makes what I'm missing all the more clear.

Karleigh and Rylan at Latourell Falls and the base of the falls.

Karleigh taking a break on a park bench.

Vista House from the Washington side and inside the Vista House.

Outside the Vista House.

Looking east down the Columbia River. Beacon Rock way in the distance.

Beacon Rock from the park below, we did make it to the tip top!

Bonneville Dam in the distance, about 2/3 of the way up.

You Can't Always Believe Your Eyes

I would normally post a Wordless Wednesday for today but frankly, I don't really have any photos to share without a story. The weather lately has felt more like March than May. It's hard to believe it's 2009, May, or even Wednesday for that matter. This whole year is just going by so fast for me. For example, this picture of my sister-in-law and better yet, friend and me, is from January. I like it because you know what? the smile is real. No one else looking at it would know that I was still bleeding from losing Collin. Sure my face is a bit rounded out from 14 weeks of pregnancy but someone looking at me, probably wouldn't notice because you can't always believe your eyes.

That's the thing... you never know what someone is going through or has gone through by judging from the outside.
The grumpy old man.
Did his last friend, his dog, just get hit by a car?
The clueless lady standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle while you try to squeeze past her.
Did she just receive a breast cancer diagnosis?
The lady who was our waitress today, who said she didn't have any kids menus even though I saw them stacked up on the hostess station, who brought me raspberry tea instead of regular iced tea (who I asked "is this raspberry tea?" and was met with the answer "I don't know, what did you order?" "iced tea" "well, what do you have there?" "I'm not sure, what did you put in my glass, it just tastes like raspberry tea, that's all." Ugh.), who told me they didn't have any turkey for the sandwich I ordered, who brought my lunch in a spinach tortilla instead of the tomato that I requested after having to change my order, who didn't ring our coupon the first time.
Anyway, I actually hope she was just a really, really bad waitress nothing more, nothing less. But, you never know, you can't always believe your eyes.

After our late lunch/very early dinner we took the kids to see Monsters vs Aliens. It was a toss-up between that and Earth but they both wanted to see MvA so we went. We also grabbed our entertainment book before leaving the house and saved ourselves a whopping $14 on the tickets because, little did we know, it was a 3D showing of the movie! It was a cute movie and it was even cuter to watch the kids keep reaching out toward the screen and flinching when things "flew" towards them. Plus, they were the real glasses, not the flimsy plastic ones. So, we'll also be partaking in Up! in several weeks... coupon in hand. :) I did have to keep reminding Karleigh that she didn't need to flinch, there weren't things really coming out of the screen. She kept saying "But my eyes are telling me there ARE!" You just can't always believe your eyes.

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I also wanted to address a couple of comments that were left anonymously so I can't email my answers/thoughts to you. I totally agree with the addition the the "20 Things..." post. The addition of "Please don't tell me to be thankful for the children that I have. I am. I'm also grieving the children that I've lost and my living children don't make those holes go away." This one is so very true and is said by so many well meaning people but that was one thing that I hated to hear. I can't imagine saying to someone "I'm sorry your mom died, just be thankful for your dad." Um, right. That doesn't make the pain or the grief go away. It's such an odd comment to make when you think about it.

The other comment was asking about how I go on. Honestly? Some days, many days, I don't know. I can function again which feels great but there are things that are never going to be the same. Or at least it still feels like that to me. I have things that I have to do so I do them. I'm blessed with an insanely supportive husband which is such a Godsend because frankly, there are some issues that I know some guys couldn't handle. I see it over and over again in my on-line support groups. But the bottom line is that my faith is the reason that I function the way I do. I have been tested quite a bit in where I stand with my faith over the last couple of years and I do believe that part of those earlier tests set me up to be able to handle these more recent events. Thanks to someone who totally turned on me and started downright attacking my beliefs and belittling me for believing in God, I became more grounded in them and so when things really started feeling out of control 14 months ago I was at least in a grounded position to dirty my knees instead of starting out face down in the mud. I look forward to the day when my whole family is reunited. And if I'm wrong??? How bad would that really be? I've thought about that a lot over the last few months when I see people in a similar position say things like "I know I'm on God's shitlist..." yah, he doesn't have one of those. Or "It sucks because I'll never get to know that baby." Well, I believe that I will, it's just going to be a while.

It was really great to read my daily e-votional from yesterday I guess it was, because it said nearly the exact same thing that I think about all the time. Since it was a relatively short one, I'm just going to copy most of it over here.

Last week I was sitting with my granddaughter in a coffee shop. We were near a table where three men were cynically discussing religion. I think their comments were intended for my ears since I had witnessed to them about the Lord.

Professing to be wise, they were systematically tearing down churches, Christians, the Bible, repentance and justification by faith. These so-called wise men rested their eternal destiny on their good deeds or imagined intellect.

I have thought long and hard since hearing their conversation and have come to a few conclusions: What if they are right? What if the Bible is wrong and the necessity of repentance is wrong?

Here are my observations: I have never known a cynical person who is a happy or contented person. As a matter of fact they are the most miserable people I have ever met. They search for something to satisfy their inner longing but never are able to find it.

As I consider my own life and the life of other Christians, I see a vivid contrast. There is joy and contentment that the cynics can never experience. Even if there is no heaven to gain we have a joy that the world can never know. When faced with tragedy or pain we have the comfort that only God can give.

But what if these cynics are wrong? (I am convinced they are!) The tragic reality is that there is much more than the temporal feelings of this world at stake. There is eternity stretching out before us. The cynics will come face to face with the Judge of the universe who will pass eternal judgment against their failure to accept His wonderful offer of salvation.

Psalm 14:1-2
"The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. The LORD looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God."

So, yah, I could be wrong but I don't think I am. And frankly, even if I AM wrong and I have enjoyed this life with all its ups and downs to a greater extent and found far more peace than those who have no faith or belief in God... isn't that a whole lot of what God is right there?

Anyway, wow, that was a really, really, really long winded way of saying that my faith and my family are what keep me going. If I had to go this alone, I don't know what it would be like. And yah, even with all of that, I still have days that are harder than others. I do still get really focused on projects or hobby's or list making, studying, researching to try to keep my mind from wandering to the "would have beens" and instead, try to focus on the positive "what ares".

Lazy Days

There's something strangely comforting about the abnormal lately.

I know.

That sounds strange. But we've moved back into a very normal, calm, almost boring life this last week. I've been feeling more like the old me, the "before" me and feeling ok about just doing the normal things and enjoying it. Grocery shopping on a Saturday, family day on Wednesday after Rylan's evaluation, spur of the moment tossed the kids in the van on Friday and took them out to the lake... all stuff that the "old" me wouldn't have thought twice about doing.

Baby steps.

The new me got a little nervous about the lake trip since we were going to be 'hiking' trails that I hadn't been on before so I did make sure to have my cell charged and called Jim and work to let him know where we were going. The old me would have just gone and then gotten a lecture reminder from my parents and husband about not being a little more careful. I grew up in that environment where you didn't feel like you needed to be careful though. Smart, yes but not overly careful. We walked all over the place, rode our bikes where we wanted, spent hours at the beach... all stuff that almost makes me break out in hives just thinking about it now with my kids. I'm sure there's a happy medium that I will find when they're old enough though.

Anyway, it's been good.

We've been planning our summer vacations and day trips which has also been a nice change. Not waiting on all the "what if's" has been a real emotional... relief. Looking forward to something with excitement instead of fear and trepidation has been great! Did I think that I would be in a much different place. Sure. It makes my stomach churn a bit when I see those who started this journey at the same time as I did, or even after I did, happily get pregnant again, welcome their rainbow babies and close that chapter of their lives. Does it stink to have people around me get pregnant and then complain about not knowing what they're going to do? Yup. And yes, there are still many days when I feel like I'm playing a never ending game of Chutes and Ladders and my poor little self is the last one with a piece on the board. But, it is what it is. Maybe I should adjust my thinking to that of the story of The Tortoise and The Hare. :)

In an effort to keep the woe is me to a minimum, because my life really is blessed, :) here are a couple quick pics of the kids from the last few days.