Kitchen Project

As proof positive that I have actually been being kind of productive, I figured it was time to share a few before and after pics of the kitchen. No major construction went on or anything like that so, even though I've spent, literally, days in there... I'm not sure it's a huge change. It is still a "period kitchen" and there's only so much you can do with out ripping things down to the studs. And that? is not going to happen. So, I painted everything, we put on new laminate counter tops, wainscoting and replica stamped copper back splash replacing everything that was done a light yellow color in the 80's. I was also going to change the flooring but I'm not sure I'm that ambitious. I've always disliked this floor... my entire life... and yes, I can say that. I could, however, also go down to my local big box home improvement store and purchase several items that look exactly like it (not that I would, but I could) so, for now, it's functional and staying the way it is.

I still need to get a clock for above the table. The problem there is being able to find one that I like that actually has the Roman numeral four written out IV and not IIII! I know, it's a little thing but it would drive me crazy every time I looked at it. And if I'm wrong about it, please let me know so I can mentally be ok with purchasing one of the options below!

I'm also thinking about getting a different table. Maybe a darker colored table and I want to keep it a smaller 2 person set up. We eat dinner in the dining room so the kitchen table is usually just used for whoever is keeping me company while I'm cooking or cereal in the morning. So, without any more chatter about it, here are the before and after photos.

BEFORE: AFTER:

I still feel like there's more to do. I still have a little bit of touch-up paint, would like new rugs (but the selection right now is not the greatest), I need to pick up some high temp spray paint for the heater and it's probably not worth mentioning since you can't hardly see it in the photos but it's time for a new microwave. In time though. It doesn't have to all be done at once. One of these days I should scan in some photos of what it looked like when we moved in. I have touched nearly every square inch of this house with paint... at least twice! I do it because I love it though.

Happy Blogiversary to Me

There you have it. I've been blogging for a full year now. Actually, a year and a day as of tonight. I'm glad that I've taken the time to do it. I've actually gone back to re-read posts that I've made when someone has asked me about a particular procedure, or tests, or this or that. It's kind of like the baby book that I'll never have for these guys. That doesn't even make me sad. It's nice to have one place that holds the information.

I'm certainly in a different place than I was last year. Last year I was totally frustrated that Eli was totally perfect. Frustrated that there were no preliminary answers for why his heart stopped. It has certainly been a full year. A year of growth and of change for me on a totally different level than I could have ever imagined. And it feels like it all happened so much longer than a year ago.

We are back into the swing of things. Back into being... us. The new us. And at the same time, the old us too. We still enjoy the same things that we did before but maybe we appreciate them more. We try our best to make our home loving and comfortable and most of all, try to live so that we have no regrets. Nothing is taken for granted... not even the cuteness of a total pout!

A Short Update...

I know, I know. It's been almost a week since my last post. I've been in kind of a strange place lately... a place where things feel really ok but at the same time I'm still really impacted by the losses that my friends are dealing with and I find myself constantly thinking about them and praying for them. To keep my mind occupied, I've been spending the last week working on the house, outside and in. I've been pretty much holed up in the kitchen since Monday working on painting it and such. Last night I was working on the back splash, with the window open, breathing in the cool fresh air and the next thing I knew, I was getting hit in the face with snow! So, this was the view that I got to experience today while continuing to paint:

I'll be glad to have this big project behind me. It would be one thing if it were just the walls but it's cabinets inside and out and ceiling and walls. A lot of primer, a lot of paint and a lot of time. I hope to have it wrapped up very soon so we can get back to life as "normal".

We have gotten into a good rhythm with breakfast, 'school', snack, Wii time for the kids/work time for mom... it's been good. We will be adding some more play dates back in since Rylan's little buddy moved back to town, a year sooner than we were expecting! It's good.

Eli's Birthday (part 2)

Turns out, as with most everything, the anticipation was far worse than the reality. The day didn't come and go without tears but it also didn't come and go without laughter. I want to thank each and every one of you who sent messages of support today, here, on BBC, on Facebook and email. It's nice to know that Jim and I weren't alone today.

I didn't have any big epiphanies or anything like that this afternoon but I did get some yard work done while the weather was still nice and the kids both napped, at the same time, for me. I also connected with a gal who I went, pretty much, all through school with. Sadly though, it's because "this" part of our lives is so similar. It just goes to show that you never know who has walked a similar path. From the outside things can look so perfect and on the inside, you can feel very broken. I am very blessed that I had the support system in place that I did. Part of that support system was there because again, someone else had walked the path before me. It stinks that we have to feel the emotional and, frankly, physical pain of losing our babies but it's also part of the beauty of life. Where one story ends, another one begins.

I received a card in the mail today that craked me up... it (was pink, thankyouverymuch!) and had a Tori Amos quote on the front - "You know that saying, bad things don't happen to good people? That's a lie." That's sure the truth isn't it? Bad, I guess though, is a relative term and we get to decide what we view as "bad" and that is where so much power lies. Sure, it's easy to say that losing 7 pregnancies is a bad thing but then I think about all the "good" things that have come from it and it certainly lessens the sting of the losses.

I must say that it's actually quite nice to have all of the "firsts" behind me now. Do I think that now that I've gone through all of the grief stages that I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning feeling like my old "pimptastic" (words from an old-school guy friend today) self? Probably not, but there is a relief in having this first year behind me... for Eli at least.

Eli's Birthday (part 1)

What am I supposed to do with this day?
Say?
Think?

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

I know, without a doubt, that there are people who think that I should just be done with "it". It being my babies that were very much wanted and loved - dreams that were rearranged and lives that were turned upside down. I will never be over it. My heart will always skip a beat when I hear one of my kids' names over a loud speaker in a store, or on TV, or in casual conversation. Eli has been gone a year now and Collin has be gone for 6 weeks. On the bright side, I have a handful of women supporting me and who understand what a fickle thing this is. If I want to laugh, that's great. If I find myself crying for "no reason", that's ok too. I feel like I must be a stronger person than I ever thought I could be but I certainly don't feel like it.

This is a birthday with no invitations, no balloons, no gifts wrapped in blue paper, no party, no candle, no cake, no little guest of honor, just the memory of a sweet little boy who we miss every day. The only birthday gifts are those that Eli's presence in my life has given me. Because of him I have learned so much and been given 'something' that not many people get to experience. This last year has taught me a lot about myself. I'm not going to get into all the things that I have learned because that can get pretty personal, and that's saying something considering how open I am here. The bottom line is that I have, obviously, learned that I can handle so much more than I thought I could and it didn't kill me. I'm still waiting to feel the 'makes me stronger' part but I know it's just under the surface.

There are so many thoughts going through my head this morning that I'm going to have to stop now but I'll be back, I'm sure, this evening after I've had a chance to get outside, soak up some winter sun next to Eli's garden, just 'be' and pray. And on that note, Lacey sent me an email the other day with this poem in it. I was surprised that it's one that I'd never read before...

I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would.
I'm sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief.
He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.


I'm sure if he could, he'd tell you..he's with you forever.
He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing.
He's all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories.
He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad.
He's happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.


I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would,
For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel.
He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.


He's the light in your window, he's the hope in your heart, he's the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy.
Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he's watching over you both.
If he could tell you..I know he would.

~Melanie Johnson Isayev

Whiplash

I kind of feel like I've been giving myself whiplash over the last few days. It's no surprise at all that it is because a year ago, today, I was lying in a hospital bed on the L&D floor, not totally knowing what to expect from the process but being fully aware of the outcome. The weather today is exactly the same as it was last year - bright winter sun, filtered through a high layer of clouds. You can feel the warmth coming through the windows but the air still has a little bite to it. I'm sure this weather will always take me back to that place last year. The last few days have been very strange. I'm also dealing with messed up hormones from losing Collin. Double whammy. My emotions have been a little more exaggerated higher highs and lower lows. But through it all He keeps holding me.

I've been trying to keep my body and mind really busy by working outside, working inside, playing with the kids, teaching the kids, brainstorming house projects and other various things. It, for the most part has been really helpful.
For the most part...
Yesterday was a great day. We went to story time at the library, then to lunch at Ikea so the kids could watch airplanes and the MAX train. We picked up the furniture for Rylan's room. We stopped by the school supplies store. The weather was beautiful and I felt great! I set to work on Rylan's room and ended up getting the ceiling, walls and floor all painted before my bed time. He slept in Karleigh's bed and she fell asleep in ours.

There's something cruel about grief though. It doesn't have any rules that it has to follow. It can just hit you whether you give it permission to or not. I wasn't even sad while working on Rylan's room, in fact, I was thrilled that I had decided to paint the ceiling - it really needed it - and I loved that the paint color really did turn out the way I was hoping. I was cruising along with the radio on to keep my mind from drifting. I moved on to painting his floor and as I got to the last 3 square feet, I just started silently bawling!?!? I kept painting over the tears. I don't even know what set me off, I wasn't even really thinking about anything. I think it was just one of those "this looks so much cleaner..." things and then I was quickly thrown into the thoughts of there I was, painting a bigger boy room instead of a nursery. And not only was I crying about the fact that had Eli not died, it would be the nursery for a little guy who would be starting to crawl, eating solid foods, squealing with delight at everything around him... it would be different. And then I was crying about the fact that had Collin not died, I'd have been painting for a nursery at 20 weeks pregnant with him.
But, that's not what I was doing.
I was painting a big boy room for the sweetest, funniest little guy that I know. And while that thrilled me, the ache was unstoppable.

I haven't gotten much sleep over the last couple days either. I've said it before and I've heard other people say it as well, your mind and body remember on their own whether you purposefully give into or not. I slept almost 4 hours last night and about the same, maybe a little less, the night before. I just can't turn my brain off. I can't stop the memories of last year. I hope this is just a hurdle that I need to get over and I will have all the 'firsts' behind me. I don't know though. I do know that there is peace in my sadness. I know that my sorrow is only for me and what I feel like I'm missing here.

I don't know where this broken road is going to lead me but wherever it's headed I will not be alone. How appropriate that this is the verse from my daily e-votional, dated for tomorrow:

Psalm 46:1-3
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah"

I suppose that since I posted about drama while working on Rylan's room, I should show his before and after shots too. I don't think his are dramatic as Karleigh's since the wall color is, essentially, the same but we really like it and even more important, he loves it! Though the goofball crawled into bed for nap this afternoon and looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and asked, "Hey! Where's my hockey pillow!?!" I have no idea what his current fascination with teasing me with hockey statements has come from.

Before:

After:

Wordless Wednesday

Withdrawn

In an effort to keep the upcoming "birthday" off my mind, I've been continuing to try to go about life as normal... at least normal for me. Today was a big day as Jim stopped by Karleigh's preschool and officially withdrew her. The director didn't even ask why. Apparently a bit of time passed she ended up calling Jim to ask why.
I love my diplomatic husband.
He just said "after thinking about it for some time now, we have decided that she will be able to learn more at home with her mom." He figured that was the easiest and nicest way to say "the girl needs to be learning something." I'm glad she didn't call and ask me. I probably would have been caught off guard and given all sorts of reasons.

I do feel a bit sad about taking her from a place where she's made some friends however, she doesn't really seem to care but she's very excited to start Kindergarten and meet new friends. A class of kids that will be the same, five days a week? I think we're all looking forward to that. I'm realizing that she really didn't even get the opportunity to interact with her classmates much at all and that's probably why it's not a big deal to her. I think now that she's had even just a little bit of time in a "real" school setting, she realizes how much fun she is going to have next year. I really realized the difference when the Kindergarten teacher said "I'd be concerned that something was amiss if I walked into a totally silent room of 5 year olds." Karleigh's old preschool? Always very quiet. I guess that would be the upside to this preschool experience - the rest of her schooling is going to seem fun! Oh, and the fact that she'll be "allowed" to write her own name on her own papers??? she's thrilled!
And then I realize that yes, in fact, that was the right decision.
Without a doubt!

With the preschool issues aside, yay!, I feel such a weight lifted by removing the negative issues in my life... I will hopefully be able to move on to redoing Rylan's room this weekend. His bedding is scheduled to arrive on Wednesday and then I can decide on the final paint color. He's been cracking me up lately. Yesterday he said "Mom? I want a new bedroom... I want a HOCKEY room! -------- Just kidding, I want an airplane room!" Silly guy. So, I'm hoping it arrives as scheduled and that he loves it when he sees it.

Life has just been pretty "normal" around here. No major issues that can't be solved. No major dramas weighing on my mind. I'm actually feeling pretty... balanced. I've not made any decisions one way or another on the baby topic. It's not even an issue that I should be visiting until I get this week behind me. Right now I'm just taking that 'what will be, will be' stance because I can't pretend to know what the right make-up of our family is so I'm not going to stress about it. I'm enjoying the kids together. I'm enjoying the ages they are, that they're able to help with yard work (and love it and learn from it), that they're able to play games together without fighting, that they both have impeccable manners and are so full of love.

I guess I'm at a point where I don't think that this blog is going to always seem to focus on the sadness that I feel. I will feel it for the rest of my life but just like I brush my hair every day, I'm not going to blog about how it felt if that makes any sense at all. I really thought that my "rainbow" was going to be another baby. Perhaps my rainbow is not a baby. Maybe it's something else that I can't even imagine right now. Or maybe, it's just enjoying every day and smiling a bit more, not letting outside influences get to me and being the best mom and wife that I can be. I guess only time will tell!

And that's OK...

No Ordinary Sundy

This is no ordinary Sunday. The Sunday after Valentine's Day marks the point in time that I realized that Eli's heart was not beating normally. Last year the weather was beautiful and sunny, today, much the same. I tried not to dwell on it or think about it too much but we ended up working in the yard right next to Eli's flower garden. We took out a couple holly trees and are going to be working on making an area that's more flat for our outdoor table and chairs. Since it's a "farm house" yard, there are very few flat areas. So, that's the plan for now and it's nice to get started on it at this time of year instead of starting in June or July.

I promised to hit on this a few days ago, so here we go! Karleigh's preschool issue... it's not a major issue. She isn't having any behavior problems at all, no problems with the "teachers", I'm just feeling like it really isn't a good fit. There is a laundry list of things that have bothered me throughout the months that she has been there and they've all just added up.
* I am finding out that, though they "sold" their program as an educational one, it really isn't. At least it's not up to par for what I would expect her to be learning. She is only sort of getting the social interaction. She's experiencing math and reading and science but all of that is gained at home, with me.
* The staff hardly acknowledges the parents, they leave notes taped to the child's box for instance, about it being a "problem" that she was dropped of 10 minutes early (never mind the fact that I always also pick her up slightly early but humm, they don't refund me my money).
* They don't stick to their schedule. I understand flexibility but when I am there at the same time for pick up and some days they're listening to a story, some days the kids are eating and other days they're getting ready to go into the play room, I don't understand how they can be so worked up about a 5 minute variation.
* There is a very high turnover rate of students. That speaks volumes to me.
* They make K take her sweaters and sweatshirts off if she has a shirt underneath... that's just weird.
* When we were given the info and registration packet, it stated that all children needed to be independent toileters in order to be considered for the program. There is now at least one child who is still solely diapered and walking around with a sippy cup. Apparently the rules only apply to a select few?
* The kids that stay for daycare are not allowed to talk while they are eating. I walked in one day to pick K up and one of the other kids said "Karleigh, your mom is here!" and the teacher said "Shhh, we don't talk while we're eating." I don't know about you but that's when we we discuss our day in our family - around the dinner table!
At any rate, there are a bunch more little things that just all add up. It just seems to me like they're not teaching her anything. I understand that preschool is not all about reading, writing and arithmetic. It's about learning to interact with peers and authority figures and learning how to act in a classroom setting. She's got that down. That was very clear when we went to her first Kindergarten orientation night. We have all but decided that I can teach her, and Rylan for that matter, far more than the preschool. We'll have an extra $250 a month for flashcards, work books and field trips. Now, I'm not talking about full on homeschooling but I am talking about ceasing the time spent at this "preschool". The parents that can do that (home school) and do it well have my highest respect. I'm still looking forward, with my own trepidation, to her starting Kindergarten in September. I sure never thought the words "I can't wait for her to start public school!" would ever really come out of my mouth.

At any rate, Karleigh is a very curious thinker and she needs to be challenged. When she asks "what are the differences between bugs and worms?" someone needs to be able to answer her. She needs to be taken outside to observe them both and she needs to come up with a list of differences. She needs to be allowed to come in and look up other answers to her questions on the computer. When she asked the question at school, she was told "they just are." Nice. Of course, this is what she told me but then again, she talks to me more than the director or her teacher do so, until proven otherwise, I'm going to choose to believe my daughter who, by the way, couldn't be more thrilled that we are going to start "playing school at home more!"

So, no, this was no ordinary Sunday. Yet, at the same time, it was. We worked in the yard and noticed that spring really is on its way and we discussed how much longer Karleigh would stay at the school. There will always be that piece of me that looks back to this time of year both with fondness and with sadness. It's really amazing how much a few hours can change your life. Forever.

One More Reason

Above you see just one more reason that I love my husband... and I know that he loves me - us, too. He always sends flowers the day before Valentine's Day so that we can enjoy them from before the moment we wake up on the special day! And a close-up of the note that was included with my favorite flowers...

You LIKE Me!

Yay! I'm Really Loved! I received the "Honest Scrap" award from Breanna! Thank you so much!
The rules (that I changed a bit, sorry!) for this award:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog. There's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon!
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
.
.
My 7 (scratch that... 5) bloggers are:
.
.
Rachel

Michelle

Jacinda

Angela
Heather

I can't think of two more that I want to "torture" with another 'award' :P
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.
10 Honest Things About Me :)
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10. I really have to go pee-pee but I want to finish this first!

9. I am very proud of my kids!

8. I am seriously considering taking Karleigh out of her preschool.

7. I will blog about #8 at another time.
6. I used to cry when thinking about sending Karleigh to Kindergarten.
5. I watched her at her first Kindy night and she's so ready!

4. I'm sniffing in fresh Gerbera Daisies right now.

3. I am shocked at how much Rylan knows.
2. I wish he wouldn't hide it.

1. I love my husband!

Two Second Tuesday

“Give what you have. To someone else it may be better than you dare to think.”

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

...just some food for thought...

Before and After

Alright! Finally I have some before and after shots of Karleigh's room. The before shots are very "before" from some time last year. We had it arranged different than this when we started but, obviously, this is the best place for her bed.

I'm not totally done with it. I still need to decide on/find the fabric for the headboard that I'm going to make for her. I don't want to rush it though so I'll show it as it is right now. Well, right now there's a little girl in there... and a cat... and the lights had better be off! I'm planning on something different for her lamp, I just need to find the right base and I'm planning on putting crystal knobs on the dresser and table to match the door knobs but those are just little things.

So, here's what it looked like before:





And here's what it looked like tonight from Karleigh's point of view (and probably the best color representation):

What she sees from her bed:From the corner where her window is. I had to splice together four different photos to get this but it shows the room a bit better, as a whole:

It's crazy how much more serene her room is now. She works very hard at keeping it clean and even makes sure that she has her clothes picked out for school and hung on the shelf with hooks before she goes to bed. It's wonderful!!! I find myself just walking in there and sitting on her bed because it's so light and calming. It was quite the shock to look out the window and see the couple inches of snow since her room feels so "spring-y"? "spring-ish"?

The next room will be Rylan's. I'm excited since I asked him, several times, and each time he insisted that he wanted to keep his room in the vintage airplanes. So, I'll be buying new bedding for him but the rest of the accessories get to stay including the great mobile that my mom found for him in Astoria, OR. He loves that thing. I lost on the color choice though. I wanted a khaki color, he wants to keep it blue but that's ok since the bedding I found is not heavy on the blues like his sports stuff is. And we both agreed on the same furniture that Karleigh has but in a deep red for him. I'll probably get started on his paint this week or next. And then who knows what my next "challenge" will be??? I have a feeling that it will be the kitchen. I just haven't decided how much I want to get into. There's a lot that could be done but that will likely be a project that will be done in baby steps.

It is nice to have something else on which to focus my energy. Do I wish it were something or someone else? Sure. But this'll do. And it's fun to cruise the net and magazines for ideas! Thanks for keeping me accountable, Heather!

One Month

It's been a month now since we said our final goodbyes to Collin. Again, it is that odd time thing (seeming so long, yet so short at the same time) but that's ok. It was nice to check into the names in the sand site and find today, that Collin's was posted. It actually says that it was posted several days ago but this morning was the first that I saw it. I think it's beautiful!


I don't have a lot more for tonight. I'm just kind of tired. My parents came down, very last minute, yesterday. We went to a benefit for one of her oldest friends. They've been friends since school days, were in each others weddings... you get the idea. Last month they lost everything in a house fire. They got out with their lives which is the most important of course, but that was it. So it was one of those nice, give our support and love kind of things and so easy since they live two tiny towns to our east.

Today, we took my parents to breakfast and the wildlife refuge. We always see something different so that was fun. But, needless to say, I'm pretty tired! I'm looking forward to this next week. Finishing up projects that I started and getting started on other new ones! Rylan has decided that he wants to keep the vintage airplanes (yay!) so now it's just furniture and paint for him. And then??? Then we may move on to the kitchen!

Surpassing Understanding

The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds.

Philippians 4:7

I cannot recount how many times this verse has flowed through my mind the last day or so. It's one that has been set upon my heart so I decided to address it tonight.

I find my peace in Him. At a time when many would be questioning "why?", I'm not. Curiosity is much different from despairing cries of "why???!!!" Curious? Yes. Despairing? No.

I'm able to find peace in the moments, as a mother, when I could be going crazy. I find peace in Him while soaking my three year old in the tub, when he should have been in bed because he decided to finger paint with poo on his leg because he was 'bored while going yucky'.

I find peace while behind slow traffic or stopped for road construction. Not because I always give myself a lot of extra time, but because of the number of times I've realized that it happened for a reason, like just missing being a part of a fresh wreck.

I find peace in decisions that I make every single day because I rarely make an important one with out listening to Him first. Notice, I didn't say "talk to Him about it". It's about listening, not talking. How great would it be if we did that with all whom we love!

Is it because I'm just so enlightened? Hah! So very not the case. It's because I'm able to take all of my 'garbage' and lay it at His feet. Only He can take the really cruddy stuff and allow me to feel ok. Peaceful. Whole. I am so thankful for that!

These are days that could be very dark. Trust me, there is still pain and the light can be dim but however, He lights my path. When I sit and focus, everything becomes much more clear. That doesn't mean I understand it but it means that I'm at peace with not understanding and happy to continue to walk the path that has been set before me.

The other day when I was sitting outside, soaking up the beautiful winter sun, I was listening to this Lifehouse song, called Everything, and I just had to add it to my playlist. It's been running through my head now, nearly constantly, so I figured I'd share the lyrics here:

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need,
oh everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Juxtaposition

jux⋅ta⋅po⋅si⋅tion  [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn]
–noun
1. an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast.
2. the state of being close together or side by side.

As I sit outside on my swing in the yard of the old farmhouse, my computer on my lap in early February, warmed by the sun, it's the only word that comes to mind. The picture itself even makes me chuckle - which I can do without being "over" the deaths of my babies. It is possible, and quite ok, to feel joy and sorrow at the same time. Relief and disappointment do not have to be mutually exclusive.

Even as sad as Eli's garden looks from a distance right now, it makes me smile. There is new life just under the surface of the ground that has been fluffed up from daily frost. It may look battered and bruised on the outside but it's not beyond repair. It's taken several months now to heal and repair itself and in a very short while it will be even more full and stronger than it was last year. The roots will be deeper and the foliage will reach higher. If you look closely, you can see the bright green tops of many things starting to make their presence known. With only the fanfare from the babbling creek and a few birds, the garden began to sprout up again and show life. We will, of course, try to help bring it to its fullest potential by fertilizing and ridding it of things that could impact it negatively and try to protect it from the ever threatening intruders. We will also be adding a few new things in remembrance of Collin.

It doesn't take a whole lot of work to see the similarities of a garden and a life well lived.

Today is a good day. The sun has been shining all day and that does wonders for the emotions. I stopped by the grocery store after I picked Karleigh up from preschool (the grocery store as many moms of lost babies will tell you, is a huge hurdle for whatever reason. I think the main reason is that there's no warning signs - not for the pregnant mom or the dad yelling at his kid in the produce aisle or the young woman rubbing her tummy while trying to decide which pregnancy test to buy, there are lots of reasons) Then when we got home, instead of having the kids settle for nap time right away, we took a little nature hike.

The kids played in the creek, did a little bird watching, a little more bird scaring, hunting for the all elusive... stick. Yah, 90 acres and it's like they've hit the jackpot when they find the perfect one. But I digress. Racing up the fields and realizing that racing down the fields makes much more sense. It has been a beautiful, peaceful, afternoon.

You can see the "stick envy" as Rylan sees what Karleigh found...

But quickly, she stops a pout in its tracks...
And minutes later, helps him get his shoe back on.

It still doesn't keep my mind from drifting to thoughts of Collin and Eli. To thoughts of what we will do to remember Eli on "his day" later this month, if anything. We think of him daily so it's not like we really need to make a big production of anything. Some do though and I think it's great especially when they say that they feel such great closure. I just don't know if I want to go through it with the kids. They don't need to be reminded of what they're missing out on. Karleigh already mentions him enough as it is, I'm thinking that anything will be done just for myself.

At any rate, life can feel good and bad at the same time. Sometimes when situations are set side by side it makes it more clear which each is and makes the picture more complete. It's all part of God's perfect design.

Ask Me Monday

I've had an emotionally "blah" day today and don't feel like freely giving anything very internally personal right now that can be turned around on me, so I decided I'll do an "Ask Me Monday".

That's right, anything you might want to ask me, go ahead (in the comments section) and I'll try to answer. Want to know my favorite food? My most prized possession? How we came up with Karleigh's name? My shoe size? or something slightly deeper? Go ahead. Don't be afraid.

I'll come back and answer them in the comments section... at least that's my plan.

Never fear, I was still productive (not to be confused with reproductive). I got Karleigh's floor painted with a nice fresh coat of paint for under her new area rug, her dresser in her room and the old one out (we'll credit for that goes to Jim), some laundry done and some folded, books read with the kids and soaked up a little bit of natural vitamin D from the sun today!


psst... I'm, otherwise, pretty boring though so if you want to wait until I've got something "good" that's ok too! ;)

Super Box Sunday!

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown!
Isaiah 43:2

Because of Him and because of my friends, that is so so true. I have so many life preservers to be so very thankful for.

I've been needing to do something a little bit emotionally therapeutic lately, besides venting here and appearing to be a total nut-job, which I may be, but that's beside the point right now. I've been needing to take some of this "whatever" and focus it on something productive. A Small Victory is having a memory box painting party next weekend and sure, I'd like to go but it's a little over three hours from here so I figured that instead of having a Super Bowl party today, I'd have my own little Super Box party. I would have liked to have done a few more (I really wanted to paint seven) but seriously, this was all of the stock that Michael's had. So, I grabbed my paints and got to work!


I wasn't sure where I was going to end up when I started. I didn't have anything particular in mind but I hope they turned out ok for Liz and sadly, for the families who will be receiving them.


A little tid-bit, the pink is what Karleigh's room was, the green is what it is now and the blue is what Rylan's room is painted. That just happens to be the way it worked out with what I picked up. There's also a little note on card stock inside. It was nice to work on them but sad to know that someone else was going to be receiving them.


We also went to IKEA today to pick up a new dresser and a bedside table for Karleigh's room. The bedside table is in and Jim is building the dresser as I type this. I know, I know, some of you are wanting a peek at her room...


... but only a little peek. Hopefully, I'll get it finished up, in full, this week. And then, it's on to Rylan's room!