Juxtaposition

jux⋅ta⋅po⋅si⋅tion  [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn]
–noun
1. an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast.
2. the state of being close together or side by side.

As I sit outside on my swing in the yard of the old farmhouse, my computer on my lap in early February, warmed by the sun, it's the only word that comes to mind. The picture itself even makes me chuckle - which I can do without being "over" the deaths of my babies. It is possible, and quite ok, to feel joy and sorrow at the same time. Relief and disappointment do not have to be mutually exclusive.

Even as sad as Eli's garden looks from a distance right now, it makes me smile. There is new life just under the surface of the ground that has been fluffed up from daily frost. It may look battered and bruised on the outside but it's not beyond repair. It's taken several months now to heal and repair itself and in a very short while it will be even more full and stronger than it was last year. The roots will be deeper and the foliage will reach higher. If you look closely, you can see the bright green tops of many things starting to make their presence known. With only the fanfare from the babbling creek and a few birds, the garden began to sprout up again and show life. We will, of course, try to help bring it to its fullest potential by fertilizing and ridding it of things that could impact it negatively and try to protect it from the ever threatening intruders. We will also be adding a few new things in remembrance of Collin.

It doesn't take a whole lot of work to see the similarities of a garden and a life well lived.

Today is a good day. The sun has been shining all day and that does wonders for the emotions. I stopped by the grocery store after I picked Karleigh up from preschool (the grocery store as many moms of lost babies will tell you, is a huge hurdle for whatever reason. I think the main reason is that there's no warning signs - not for the pregnant mom or the dad yelling at his kid in the produce aisle or the young woman rubbing her tummy while trying to decide which pregnancy test to buy, there are lots of reasons) Then when we got home, instead of having the kids settle for nap time right away, we took a little nature hike.

The kids played in the creek, did a little bird watching, a little more bird scaring, hunting for the all elusive... stick. Yah, 90 acres and it's like they've hit the jackpot when they find the perfect one. But I digress. Racing up the fields and realizing that racing down the fields makes much more sense. It has been a beautiful, peaceful, afternoon.

You can see the "stick envy" as Rylan sees what Karleigh found...

But quickly, she stops a pout in its tracks...
And minutes later, helps him get his shoe back on.

It still doesn't keep my mind from drifting to thoughts of Collin and Eli. To thoughts of what we will do to remember Eli on "his day" later this month, if anything. We think of him daily so it's not like we really need to make a big production of anything. Some do though and I think it's great especially when they say that they feel such great closure. I just don't know if I want to go through it with the kids. They don't need to be reminded of what they're missing out on. Karleigh already mentions him enough as it is, I'm thinking that anything will be done just for myself.

At any rate, life can feel good and bad at the same time. Sometimes when situations are set side by side it makes it more clear which each is and makes the picture more complete. It's all part of God's perfect design.