What I Was Going to Say...

I was lying in bed this morning, or last night, or somewhere in between being woken up by a hot flash or a bad dream and started questioning things.
Is this baby going to make it?
Can I handle 3 kids?
Why have I been the one chosen to walk this path?
I don't know.

Anyway, I was thinking about maybe I'm just pushing too hard for something that isn't "supposed" to happen. Praying too hard for something that wasn't meant to be... I don't know. It doesn't need to be a blame game but it's hard not to look for reasons. The rational me (don't laugh, there's a rational part of me) knows that this is not how God works but at the same time the irrational me says "well, you asked for it". At any rate, this morning I read this post about this type of thing and frankly, Jennifer puts it much more clear than I could have at this point.

Today I went for my first why-in-the-world-are-you-seeing-me-so-mega-early? ultrasound. The good news is that there is a gestational sac and a yolk sac, right where they should be and they're measuring a day ahead and we could see the very beginning of the fetal pole. Oh and another fab cyst on my left ovary. The neither good nor bad news at this point is that it was too early to see a heart beat... which I totally expected. Of course I had hoped that there would be, but not yet.

So, after a quick appointment with Dr. C, I left with a bunch of prenatal samples, another ultrasound order for next Friday morning and a regular appointment in four weeks. So, more waiting. But? on the bright side, everything is where it's supposed to be and looks healthy for date. So right now...
I'm thankful for that.

Nerves...

I sure wish I had nerves of steel but anymore? I do not. Tomorrow afternoon is the first ultrasound for this pregnancy. It will be the earliest one I've had so far and I'm not expecting to see much more than a gestational sac and yolk sac... hopefully. Also, my appointment got moved back a couple hours so now it's not until 1:30 because the Dr. wanted to see me immediately following the ultrasound.

On the upside, because of the appointment change, my girlfriend is bringing her new baby girl over so I can get some pics of her and then she's going to stick around and watch all four kids, her two (under one!) and our two so that Jim can go to the appointment with me. I was just going to go to her place after the appointment. We've been horrible at asking for help in watching the kids so Jim has missed out on a lot of the "good" appointments and also the really "bad" appointments too. I really, really pray that tomorrow gets to fall under the "good" category. Of course I'm very familiar with the reality that even a perfect appointment can quickly turn the other way. So still, it's day by day for me.

While I agree with Dr. B and love it when science works... I believe that there's more to it. God is totally in control of this and that helps me calm down when I start feeling like I'm totally out of control...
because I am.

Flyby Friday...

Just a quick Friday flyby with an update on my hcg numbers from today. They came back at 4641. So, that's a good thing! Dr. B is the one who called today and he practically sounded giddy and nearly yelled "I love it when science finally works!" Me too, Dr. B. Me too.

Life... Continued.

First, aren't those flowers pretty? My aunt and uncle brought them when they came to visit this weekend. I love the way stargazer lilies look and I've recently come to realize that I really don't care for how they smell. I'm dealing with it though since they're so dang pretty and who doesn't love some nice cheery flowers brightening up the house?!?

On to the real point of this post...

I'm pretty sure that most people have noticed that I've been pretty quiet and I have heard that that's raised some suspicions. The truth of the matter is that I've just been in a really strange place mentally. As I recall, a few months back I commented about a medication that was suggested that we try. By "we" I mean, I take it and Jim waits to see what kind of crazy side-effects it has that he gets to deal with.

The medication that was suggested was Femara. If you google it, it'll come back that it's a breast cancer medication and that you are not in any way supposed to take it while you're pregnant. That's all good and true except that the most common side effect is the return of menstrual cycles in post and peri-menopausal women. So, it's also Rx'd off-label to work like, but in a different way than, Clomid. Out of 10 pregnancies, only 2 were conceived without Clomid and both Karleigh and Rylan are Clomid babies. So, one would assume that if the Clomid worked, the Femara should too. The other plus is that Femara isn't supposed to have the same negative effect that Clomid can have on the uterine lining. And technically? You're not taking it while pregnant. It has a very short half-life and only encourages your ovaries to produce a good follicle.


So, last month I tired it.

And I ovulated well according to my BBT charting, OPKs and day 21 progesterone level which came back at 22.13.

Then this:

Wow. I had a little internal battle with myself... do I go in for beta's? I know there's a stat order just waiting for me at the lab. They brought both the day 21 progesterone and the hcg quant order when I was in there and asked which I wanted. I finally decided to go in and have it drawn since, though it can be stressful, knowledge can also be power.

At 15 dpo my hcg quant was 513. That was great news and I breathed a sigh of relief and promptly started worrying if that would double in 48 hours like it should.

48 hours later I returned to the lab and waited for the phone call. And waited. And waited. I finally called back, was put on hold after I said who I was and was told "V will give you a call back in about 10 minutes." Ok, insert massive nerves here. "V" is the u/s tech and I wasn't given any numbers. Was she going to be calling because numbers were falling already?

After an hour and a half I couldn't take it anymore and called back. The receptionist greeted me with a happy tone and a "I just tried to call you!" After reminding her that we changed our number, she updated it in the computer and promptly scheduled me for an u/s for next Wednesday. I finally worked up the nerve to ask what the new numbers were. At 17 dpo my hcg quant was 1609. They did not double in 48 hours, they more than tripled.

I have learned that researching on the world wide web is a world wide web of danger. Only God knows what our next challenge will be. Kind of curious why I can't catch a break for just a normal by the books, boring pregnancy? But I'm praying for a happy ending.

Of course this morning came with a call from the doctors office of: "Hey Kristi, Dr. B really wants you to come in again for another beta tomorrow since it's rather high..." Ugh, I know it's high-ish but it's still totally within the gigantic range of "normal" and it's not going *down* so that's an improvement, right? I've got friends who have been on all sides of this and I really just need to quit reading anything into numbers. Numbers that are increasing. And at this point? That's a blessing in and of itself.

So, that's where things stand now. We are beyond the threshold, number wise, of our early losses but I also know that there is no "safe zone" so I continue to pray for peace and the health of this new little life.

And again, this is our info that I have chosen to share with you... it stinks to have to un-tell so please don't put yourself in that position :)

Wordless Wednesday

~ Daddy Daycare ~

What's Goin' On?

As summer starts to draw to a close, I've found myself really focusing on getting things prepared for the fall. Heavy duty house cleaning, organizing, school shopping, yard maintenance... it's all part of what I do in preparation for the changing seasons, which I love. The other motivator is that my aunt and uncle are usually here for a visit this time of year and this weekend was no exception. It was a nice visit with my parents and my aunt and uncle but getting ready for a house full of people always pushes me into a cleaning frenzy. It's nice though to have it done! It is pretty funny though because it's so not a necessary frenzy. Here's Karleigh learning how to play uno with my aunt...Oh! But Jim has been on bee patrol like nobodies business. It has to be a horrible bee year as most of our local stores are totally sold out of the spray so he's been frequenting the local farm supply store... which we should be doing anyway! Plus, my uncle is allergic so Jim went around last week and made sure to knock down and spray every nest that he was able to find and then put up a bee trap. The bee trap got really full, really fast so we kept looking. We found one nest in the ground near the driveway and he sprayed and dug that one up. Then we found another one in the field right on the edge of the yard... he sprayed and dug that one up. Then my dad spotted a hornet's nest essentially right in the lilac bushes in the yard... he sprayed and knocked that one down. That nest was about the size of a soccer ball, plus there was a paper wasp nest basically built on the top of grass stalks in the upper field that he sprayed. He has gone through 10 cans of bee spray in the last week. Insane. My dad, my uncle and I all got stung but none of us seriously. We all got a sharp poke but it's like the bees were just being annoying and not really serious about it. Strange, I know. Not sure what the point of that even was other than just some more, what's going on here! :)

Life with Max, Maxwell, Max-a-doodle, Maximilian, Maxamoose is getting so much better. He is such a great puppy, well behaved, calms down easily, listens, is a fast learner... he's really great. He had so much fun with Jacksi, my parents' lab, over the weekend. It was good for him to be around her and get a bit nippy with her because she was quick to let him know when enough was enough and his puppy nippy is even less than it was before! He's such a good addition to the family and we're so glad that we got him.

What else? Karleigh will, for sure, be in afternoon kindergarten in a few weeks. She'll be able to catch the bus right at the driveway and will only have to be on it for about 20 minutes as opposed to last years route where it would have been closer to 55 minutes. I'm getting a little bit nervous about it but she's so excited and that's great. Her assessment is on Wednesday and our school shopping is almost all done, just need to get shoes for her crazy, little skinny feet!

So, that's pretty much what we've been up to over the last couple weeks while I've been a total blog slacker. :)

Max

This is one of the reasons I haven't blogged anything in the past week. This is our new puppy Max. The kids think he's just great and Jim and I are getting used to having a dog in the house. I love dogs but you have to admit that there is an adjustment period to having a puppy in the house 24/7 along with two young kids. Luckily the puppy naps at the same time that the kids have quiet/nap time so I do get some time to myself but it's still an adjustment.



And while getting a puppy really doesn't have a whole lot, or anything actually, to do with infertility or pregnancy loss, it certainly hit me in the most bizarre way. I will admit that I shed quite a few tears throughout the first whole day and some the following day. I don't know if it brought up unresolved emotions or if I had buyers remorse, or if I was taken aback by how this was another part of our family moving forward without the baby(s) that would have been with our family this summer one of them who would have been celebrating a first birthday this week.



But... that's not the way it is.



And it could have been multiple things.



Max is a character though. Part Basset hound, part lab but he leans heavily to the hound side. He's very smart and learning quickly which helps and as I've said over and over again, it's not the dog that's the problem (it rarely is) but it's just my issue and I just need to get over it!



He will be good company when the kids both go off to school. He will help teach the kids responsibility for another living thing. Sure we have the kitties, but they're pretty self sufficient. He will just become a part of the family and if this isn't the right pup for us, there is no right pup for us.