Less Word Wednesday...

Here it is, another Wednesday... and it's late! So, today's photo is a birdcage that I found during a stop at a Goodwill store... oh yah, a whopping $5! I was looking for some nifty glassware and/or some candlestick lamp bases for my whole "grief nesting" process that I'm going through. I didn't find any but after a can of white spray paint, I'm totally excited to see how this turns out!

This was a great little family day. We didn't do anything terribly exciting but we did sleep in, play, took naps and then cruised all over Vancouver stopping at some places that I've never been looking for great little decorating finds. This kids even did really well, not that it's a huge surprise. I'm sure we'll be going back into town tomorrow though as it appears that K is coming down with some sort of eye infection. Poor thing.

So, as I was sitting here I thought it was pretty funny that "seek and you shall find" popped into my head so, here's the rest:

Matthew 7:7,8

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

I'm loving how even in a trip to Goodwill, God speaks to us.

Alone-liness...

Yes, I realize that's not a real word but I like it. Well, I don't like the idea behind it but I do like the fact that the one pseudo-word does capture the feeling. By the way, it's Tuesday night isn't it? Why, yes it is... I knew there was a reason I was feeling scattered and restless. At any rate back to my non-word. I have realized that in the underground "grief world" there seem to be a lot of comments about 'alone-liness' and while it often feels that way, it just doesn't have to because it's not true. Sure our hearts are breaking but that should be because they are exploding from what we have, not imploding for what we're missing.

While it's important to surround yourself with people who can lift you up while you are in your darkest hours, He is always with you and will always listen when you cry out. As I was starting to type this out I was realizing that it was all starting to sound a bit too familiar. So, lest I start plagiarizing, I went back and re-read yesterday's e-votional and sure enough, I'm teetering so I'm just going to copy and paste part of what I was trying to say...

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

"When we read today's Scripture we see that when we are the children of God we are never alone. Not only do we have His presence, but we also have His strength. When we feel that things are just too much for us, we need to remember that He says that we are not to fear or be depressed. Why? Because He never leaves us nor forsakes us.

It is easy to become so overcome with our circumstances that we forget that God has a plan and a purpose for our life. In the midst of our pain and loneliness, He holds out His arms and calls us to come to Him. Do not become caught in the trap of feeling that there is no hope.

God does not work on the same time schedule that we do. Joseph knew years of loneliness before he was elevated by God to a position of being able to save His family. Moses had to spend 40 long and lonely years in a desert wilderness before God called to him from the burning bush and sent him to lead God's people out of slavery.

When you feel that you are alone and forgotten please read today's passage once again and know that it was meant for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE--HE IS ALWAYS WITH YOU--EVEN IN THE DARKEST NIGHT!"

Rather comforting, don't you think? It is also important to reach out to those who you know may be feeling down or lonely. If there's something simple that you can do, do it - it may make a huge difference in their day and really, you'll get the reward of feeling good about it too. I guess I just get a bit more introspective after someone says to me "you're so strong", "you're superwoman", etc. etc. etc. I am only strong because He carries my burdens. If I had to do this by myself and feel all of the alone-liness, I'd surely crumble.

Up Close and Personal...

As promised, I'm going to share some up close and personal photos of some of the plants in Eli's garden. Some of these in the photos have already been mowed over by a hungry deer who decided to walk the perimeter of our yard last night and chomp on almost every plant that had gone in the ground. Of course, at first this really frustrated me. I wasn't sad so much as annoyed that I was correct, the deer are going to be my biggest enemy in this project. However I decided to go ahead and look at it as a learning experience. I'll go ahead and watch what they eat, try to protect it as much as possible but in the end, I'm going to just go ahead and choose the plants that the deer don't really like to eat. I think I'll be adding in primroses for some splashes of color that I've never seen the deer eat. I'm also going to hope that as the plants mature some more, they become less tasty. I'm also going to go pick up some flowers that tend to deter the deer, catmint, sage, lavender, there was also a really minty ground covering that I ran across at one of the nurseries that I visited so I may get some of that. Apparently planting in proximity to the holly wasn't even going to keep this one from munching. Luckily, one of my favorites, the salvia, remained untouched. My girlfriend M had given me one from her garden and I picked up another that was in bloom so that's a good sign! There's one thing that should survive!



I could obviously go on and on about what will, won't and should work but that will have to wait. On to some of the plantings:



Scotch Moss... this is a cool ground cover that gives a nice shot of neon green. It's also supposed to produce little white flowers in the spring, we'll just have to wait and see!


Sedum... has neat foliage and should produce some tall tufts of flowers in mid-summer.


Creeping Phlox... another low plant with purple flowers and interesting foliage. This one will still be hit or miss as the deer ate come of the flowers but not all and none of the foliage.

Firewitch Dianthus... this is a really pretty pink with a ton of flowers on it. It doesn't seem to be too tough as the deer stepped on it but I was able to revive it and it was nice to see that none of it was eaten!

Star Lithodora... another blue trailing perennial. This came out totally unharmed and it's really cute. One of our cats loves it though (rolls all over it) so let's hope it stays tough!

Heliotrope... I love how different and dark these flowers are! Apparently they tasted quite yummy too as both plants were stripped even though I planted them right up against the holly in hopes of giving them a little extra protection. Lesson learned. I haven't given up on this one but I'm not going to expect too much from it which is a bummer since the butterflies love it.

Blue Fescue... a blue toned grass. It looks very interesting though and is supposed to flower a bit as well. The deer apparently have no desire to eat grass. They totally left this alone and they do have acres upon acres of grass all around Eli's garden.

Bachelor's Buttons... This should certainly do well as we have a big bunch of clumps in the field just below the garden. I really like the cool flowers, they remind me of little sea anemones.

Erysimum... bright, cute, cheery, tasty! On the bright side there is a new little bunch of buds that will probably be in bloom in a week or two if they don't get eaten as well.

So, that's a close up of some of the plants that were placed in Eli's garden. Of course I chose the ones that are more interesting at this point. The daisies, day lilies, phlox (which is also apparently a little bit yummy), Butterfly bush, black eyes Susan's, all are just green at this point. I'm excited to see how the garden grows and matures through this season and the next and the years following.

Thanks to everyone for sharing in our excitement. I'm really looking forward to getting even more done. I don't expect this to be a project with a finish line which is actually really nice - it's fun to get out there and tend to the plants and see what's going to do well and what's not!

Show & Tell...

I thought I'd take a quick moment and share what I managed to accomplish out in Eli's garden this weekend. I wish it photographed better but I don't think the photos do it justice. In person it looks so much nicer. It isn't complete. There is one area that's bugging me and we still need to get some mulch down but it's certainly an improvement over the last step!

Over the next few days I'll share some closeups of some of the individual flowers. Right now there's a lot of green but hopefully by the first part of August, everything will be in full bloom!

This really has been therapeutic, working on the flower garden, and the kids have had a blast helping some too. I'm going to keep it short tonight as I have a killer headache and I still have one more wall to paint in the dining room. Remember that "grief nesting"? It's still going strong. This weekend I not only got a lot done in Eli's garden, I painted the living room and dining room. I highly anticipate some posts about being tired in the near future *wink*!

A Fly By...

I was planning on posting a "tease" of all the work I got done on Eli's garden today. However, this was too fun to resist posting. As I was getting the last of the plants in his garden, the hummingbirds were crazy! They were chirping at each other, chasing, teasing, dare I say bullying one another. We were able to identify 4 different birds at once but we're still not sure how many we really have around the place. So, after the sun set, I was able to catch a handful of photos and these two were my favorite.

I love how you can see the little feet pulled up, ready for the landing!

You can see each teeny, tiny feather on this one.

And with that, it's cool to remember that God created all these creatures, great and small!

3's About Me...

Well, since this blog is mine, I guess it's ok to be self centered right? Actually this was sent to me by my sister-in-law who really should update her blog more often *wink wink*. It's late and I'm tired so I figure where better to do this than here!

3's About Me!

Three jobs I have had in my life:
- University of Montana Admissions Assistant
- Newspaper Advertising Manager
- Optician

Three places I have lived:
-Harstine Island, Washington
-Forest Grove, Oregon
-Missoula, Montana

Three shows that I watch:
-Local News
-CSI
-Criminal Minds

Three places I have been:
- Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
- Manhattan, New York
- Deadwood, South Dakota

Three places I'd rather be right now:
- In bed sleeping
- On a warm beach with a cool breeze
- Did I already say "in bed sleeping"?

Three of my favorite foods:
- Coffee, yes I consider that a FOOD :-)
- Anything Mexican
- Homemade Chicken Alfredo

Three of my favorite colors:
- Pink
- Robin's Egg blue
- Apple green

And with all of that, more than you probably ever wanted to know. I will draw tonight's entry to a boring close!

Wandering...

Today is one of those days where I have had a million thoughts racing through my head, so fast that I'd be lucky to catch just one. So, since it's wonderfully quiet in the house today (tandem naps - woohoo!) I went blog wandering. It's funny how you stumble across them. As you've probably found, one leads to another, which leads to another which leads to another that has very little in common with the one you started at, yet, somewhere there, there's a common thread. Yesterday I read an amusing play by play on piglets being born among other things. Today I sat down for a few minutes, looking for some home inspiration (which I'll probably get into later) and clicked around to some familiar places and ended back reading about a yard sale painting with a wonderful message.

Psalm 40:5

"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare."

It's hard not to slip back into that pit of grief and I started thinking about it, while cleaning the bathroom of all things, and I realized that my grief is not really for the loss of Eli. He's safe. He's happy. He's healthy. He's perfect. He's running the streets of glory hanging out with some really cool people. But what I'm grieving is the loss of all of the "could have been's" for us as a family.

I was thinking about a pink baby tub/sling that we were going to purchase at Target. Then I had to slap myself back into the reality of the fact that #1, Eli's in Heaven and #2, he was a boy and we probably wouldn't have gone out of our way to purchase him a pink tub... blue probably, well, maybe. I'm not sure if it's all part of the loss process or if it's yet another unique situation. See, my "gut instinct" couldn't really settle on what I thought we were having, his high heart rate pointed to a girl based on the old wives tales. During the fateful ultrasound, I asked if she could tell the gender, she commented that "there was nothing to indicate that baby was a boy, looks like a girl". However, upon delivery, he was quite clearly all boy! So, I'm not sure what that's all about in my head. I had started the grieving process for our baby girl (if only for 2 days) and then had to start over grieving our little boy, Eli. I guess it was just one more of those "things" and probably why I still get that sinking feeling at baby items period... gender just doesn't matter. I'm not even sure why I brought that up other than, even that is something that was written in God's plan.

I have faith that God's plan is for us to prosper and I have to grow and learn from this situation. However, I also don't want to wallow in it. Yes, I know this blog is about my healing process and part of that process is going to have to be writing about the other things in my life besides Eli. He was a short entry in our lives that has made a huge impact but I have to make sure that the impact is a positive one. I want something good to come of this, I'm just not sure what it is going to be yet. I have a few ideas of how I can help other moms going through the same thing but I don't want Eli's life and death to be for not.

Good Family Fun...

What to do on a cold, windy, rainy, raw evening?

Glow in the dark bean bag toss - nice!

Less Word Wednesday...

It's usually wordless Wednesday on these blog thingies but have you ever known me to be "wordless"? Nope. So, it's going to be less word Wednesday around these parts. I spent much of yesterday working on a couple very special photoshop projects for a few friends so today I worked on my own. I will tell you that mine isn't near as cute.

Here is a small set of photos from the Evergreen Aviation Museum. That place is chock-full off various aircraft with the centerpiece being the refurbished Spruce Goose... you can't really get a photo of individual planes in there without the heads of strangers, so I decided to focus on the interesting, to me and little R, parts. Poor guy spent most of the day cuddled up with me in the Ergo carrier. It's the only way I was able to walk out of there after a few hours without having lost my mind. I let him down for a while and he cried like I was breaking his poor heart because I wouldn't let him crawl under the chains and crawl on the planes. Luckily all the museum volunteers are really nice older men, many of whom flew the actual planes that are on display, so they were more than happy to see another little guy totally excited about the aircraft.

With that, I will draw a close to my less word Wednesday.

Scattered...

Yikes! I was all over the place today. Had you peeked in my windows today you would probably have concluded:
1. that they really need to be cleaned on the outside and
2. that I should, most certainly, be medicated (no offense to those who are...)
I couldn't finish one project without starting another three first - in fact, after I opened this to post it, I had written the first two sentences but then decided that I should vacuum the living room. I was quiet, I was crazy, I was happy, I was sad. I felt a little loony to say the least.

Aside from my nuttiness, I was reminded that grief is afflicting so many people and in very similar ways. Though I am kind of uncomfortable with having to go through this process, it's nice to know that I am not alone and even during my darkest moments, there are probably people thinking of me and praying for me. For that, I am quite thankful. I'm also thankful for the people that have come into and come back into my life. Their support is a tremendous help. Even if it's someone just saying "hey, I'm glad you're nuts too - that makes me feel more normal" it puts a smile on my face and a twitter in my heart. I'm also thankful for the deeper conversations that take place privately, they really make me think about the whole picture.

I'm fearful that those who are standing by me may not understand how thankful I am for their friendship and I always worry that the words I say could be being received in the wrong way. I haven't been called out about that yet, so I guess that's a good sign. I also believe that as long as what I'm saying is done so with the most pure intentions and an honest heart, God will make sure that the words are taken the right way.

The e-votional that I received yesterday, and was intended for today, was entitled "Sigh or Soar" which made me think of the be better or be bitter theory that I have. I realized how many times that I have posted, over the last two months, how many times I have written *sigh* in a post or an email or even thought it in my own little mind... that's really not like "me" at all -I'm so not the Eeyore persona. The scripture that goes with it is:

Isaiah 40:29-31
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

I have to now think that those times when I think I'm losing it because I'm happy, laughing, dancing to silly kid songs with the kid folk, have a burst of productive energy or just feeling very "chill" is when I'm actually the most with it and with Him. I'm going to keep working on soaring and hope I don't crash.

I've Learned...

Things I think I learned this weekend - in no particular order:

• less is more when it comes to a lot of things
  
• the weather in the Pacific Northwest is crazy


• I have two really good kids


• I may be doing a really good job at pretending that everything is ok


• I require a lot of sleep to be "with it"


• the Grand Caravan moved way down on our list of possible new vehicles


• I don't have a lot of patience


• my "fat" pants are too big and my "skinny" pants are too small and overall I just feel *yuck* about this body


• I'm unwilling to wait 90 minutes to eat at The Cheesecake Factory


• It is quite possible that my thoughts are even more obscure in the middle of the day!


• that I forgot how much I like that nasty canned cheese that magically squirts out of the can


• that I feel kind of like I'm slipping a little bit


• that I would have much rather have been baby shopping this weekend instead of living room shopping


• that I don't want to have to work at getting pregnant again


• that I just want Eli back and to be 25 weeks pregnant now


• that I just want to forget about all of it


• that I'm afraid that everyone is judging how I'm grieving... even me.
  
  

I also learned that less is so much more when it comes to kid toys. As soon as our company pulled out of the driveway this morning, we hauled a bunch of things down to the basement and cleaned up the playroom - yet again. This time we put quite a bit less back in. R's into his cars and Lego's and K's into coloring, drawing, writing, cutting and pasting and they both enjoy story time and puzzles. So, in an effort to prove to myself as much as anything that I did do something productive today, here's a photo of the "new and improved" playroom!

I have also decided that the last few days, where I was pulled away from myself and from my "deeper" thoughts, I ended up feeling kind of sad and lost. Today as I was reading, I came across Psalm 42:5,6 - Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Luckily, God always knows what my heart needs even before I do.

Two Months...

Two months ago we were holding and saying good-bye to Eli. Today we sat around, relaxed, went out for ice cream and carried on like life was "normal". That kind of hurts. I don't really know why because I know that "normal" is something that I have been striving for. I wish someone here, anyone, had mentioned it but then again I know that Jim is aware of the date and I have no idea what I would say if anyone else did mention it... such a place to be. In order to keep our minds off the date, Jim and I have been sketching out and discussing the layout for our living room while the kids have spent the day playing with grandma and grandpa. We have both decided that perhaps we will do what President Bush intended for us to do with our "stimulus package" and spend it. After our visit to IKEA on a fairly slow day, we were able to really mess around with the proposed set up. There's something that I think is very normal and comforting about "feathering your nest" after the loss of a baby. A regular mother would go in to that nesting mode while pregnant and I have found myself wanting to do the grief feathering too - I've done it each time so at least I expected it. Other than that, I haven't really had a chance to think about much these last few days. Good? Bad? I'm not sure yet. I'll have to wait to see how I feel in a few days.



Since I haven't had time to think about much, I'll just share a couple other photos from yesterday's outing! God's beauty is stunning...

Spruce, Sand, Surf & Snow!

We enjoyed them all! Here are a few photos of our adventures today!

First stop, Evergreen Air Museum which is home to the Spruce Goose... (which is NOT the plane behind us!)

Second stop was Lincoln City, OR - it was actually snowing on the beach when we got there!

Just before we pulled out of town the clouds parted and the sun came out for a while.

It didn't take too long for the next storm to roll in...

AND... when we got home there was plenty of snow to build a snowman!!!

Friday Night Lights...

...co-ed softball lights that is! Tonight was the first game of the season for Jim (and burrrrr! It had been snowing up at our house earlier in the day, game temp was about 40 degrees, with a breeze on top of it). Yes, I did used to play but since I was pregnant with K in '03, I have hung up my cleats. I don't like taking up a spot on the team when the last game of the night starts well after little R should be in bed asleep. And then there's the matter of child care. I refuse to be one of "those" parents that just shows up with a couple kids in tow and expects someone else to keep an eye on them. It was good to see some of our "old" friends but I also felt like I was carrying a lot of baggage with me. The team never knew about Eli and I was dreading the question of more kids - luckily no one asked... tonight. Part of me is really kind of glad about that but another part of me is kind of sad about it. I guess it's that part of me that wants the whole world to know that I'm Eli's mom and that I've labored and given birth to 3 babies... validation maybe? I don't know. It's possible that the "coach" knows. She gave me a big hug as soon as she saw me and asked me how I was. She works in the same field as Jim does and it's a very small world, so it is quite possible that she knows and I actually find some comfort in that - again, I'm not sure why though. Like much of this, I don't necessarily have a reason for many of my feelings. They just are. So, that was my inner turmoil for today.


We also went to IKEA earlier in the day and grandma and grandpa bought the kids a new art table, 4 chairs, a couple of toy hangers and a big pillow for each bed. Not a bad haul for two munchkins who already have quite a lot.

Yesterday K and R were both getting kind of "jiggy" as we say in our house, knowing that they were coming in less than 24 hours. So, what's a momma-razzi to do? We set up and took a couple of quick photos!

Karleigh at 4 1/4

Rylan at 2 1/2

(again, feeling like there should be another photo here...)

My Funny....

I don't think this entry is really going to have anything to do with anything but here it goes. Today I find myself missing my funny. When Eli died, it seems that my funny did too and that bums me out. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a totally hilarious person or anything like that - you'd certainly never find me doing stand-up. But, I'd like to think that I used to be mildly funny and even if no one else did, at least I amused myself on a fairly regular basis. I realized today that I can't remember the last time I laughed about myself or because of me. Sounds kind of odd, I'm quite sure, but I'd really like my funny back.

I think I've been fairly optimistic through this whole thing and that has helped a lot but it would sure be nice to have my funny back and I would certainly feel much more like the "old" me. I am going to have to learn to love the "new" me because there will be no going back but I'd like to recapture my funny...

On that bizarre note - we have family coming in to town for a few days so I'm not sure how often I'll be able to post something that's well thought out but I will hopefully, at the very least, have some photos to share.

A Short Thought...

This entry will probably be very short. I've been feeling very "ADD" today for no particular reason but I was able to focus enough today to take in the little things again. We are so very blessed to live where we do and all of God's creatures seemed to make themselves known to us today. A quick run down... coyotes in the early afternoon, hummingbirds all day long, hawks, rabbits and deer all crossed through the property today. Today wasn't even a particularly beautiful day by our standards. It was cold and damp, and even though we spent most of the day inside, we were still able to enjoy so much beauty!

As beautiful as we find these animals, consider Psalm 45:11 "The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him for he is your lord." We are his most beautiful and precious creation and I find that pretty cool!

A quick little video with the coyote "calling" today. I'm not sure which makes me smile more, the coyote or the toddler giggles that you'll hear!

Little Things...

Little things are sometimes big things. In order to enjoy the "little" things, I've noticed that I have to be tuned in, not checked out. It's hard for me to always be present in the moment but I'm really working at it. In this whole process, and it is a process, I'm sure there are days that would be much less painful if I could/would just check out a bit but I promised myself that I wasn't going to do that with my pregnancy and I'm not going to do it with the healing process either. I have come to learn that there is a reason for each and every encounter that I have and that for me to learn whatever lesson it is, that I have to dive in and experience it.

It's so easy to just blow past a little comment, or a little opportunity to teach my children a quick lesson, or be too busy to check in with someone... or pick up a rock in a rush and toss it and miss the tiny jewel that was perched atop it. I hate to think of all the things that I could be missing when I choose to not be present. Perhaps it's more comfortable in the short term but in the long run, who knows? God put those opportunities in front of me and I want to know that I took each one and made the best of it, or at least did the best that I could with the tools that I had available at the time.

I have certainly noticed that I am making more of an effort and having a much easier time finding God's beauty in the "simple" things. That makes me pretty happy at this point. I hope to be able to find even more beauty in the near future...

Psalm 27:4

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.

Today has been one of those days where my thoughts are very jumbled. I've been thinking a lot about several people and families and because of that, haven't made the time to really have any personal thoughts today. As I stepped in to the office while the kids were coloring I noticed the sun setting so I decided to take a photo. Then, several minutes later, the same window, same trees but the view seemed much different. I guess that's kind of how I feel about things today. They're the same but they're different at the same time.

In looking at these two photos, one is not necessarily more beautiful than the other but they are very different photos of the same thing. I guess I'm starting to sound kind of obscure. My point that I'm trying to make is change is a good thing and it's necessary. Is one way better than the other? Not necessarily, but it's life. Do I have all faith that our life would have been great with Eli in it the way WE had planned? Of course. But, I also have faith that our life will be beautiful with him in it in a way much different than we had imagined. I know that it probably seems like I keep revisiting the same ideas over and over but I have to. My grief is very cyclical and every Monday through Wednesday seems more difficult and of course it makes total sense as to why. Those are the days that I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that this is the way my life was always supposed to be. Would I have chosen this path for myself? No, probably not, but God did and considering he drew my map there's not a lot of arguing I can or should do about it. My option is to look to Him to help me and hold my hand through it...

Psalm 18:4-6

The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

Short and Sweet Sunday...

This evening I'm going to try to keep it short and sweet. The weather report was wrong, not a big surprise - today was also sunny! I had plenty more in the yard to work on so I did... in jogging pants, a sweatshirt and sunblock on my face! I had taken the camera out "just in case" and on my way to put it back in the house a sweet little hummingbird stopped for a moment at the old feeder near the back door. I was lucky enough to get a few decent shots without scaring "him" away.

Our snow level is supposed to be crazy low again over the next few days, which explains why I still haven't added any flowers to Eli's garden yet. But I promise, just as soon as the frost danger has passed, the ground will hopefully be full of new life!

Speaking of life, tomorrow is the one year anniversary that a wonderful son, brother, uncle and friend passed into Heaven. If you would please, keep the McComb family in your prayers. I cannot imagine that losing a son after several hours, weeks, months or years would ever be easy... the time will always seem too short to those of us left behind until it is our turn.

Another Step Complete!

I spent nearly the entire day outside today. It was so beautiful! There was a breeze for much of the day and when I stepped out shortly before 9 am, it was nearly 60 degrees already. Since it was too dark last night to snap a picture of how far we got into Eli's garden project, I took one before I started anything else and then a couple more after the work was complete for today.

Here's what it looked like first thing this morning...

After about 6 hours of work that was happily interrupted by snacks, lunch, lessons about earth worms vs. grubs, beetles, butterflies and a few rides in the new wheelbarrow ...

I was able to get the entire garden edged, all the moss and grass removed - the few existing perennials were spared, I crawled around on my hands and knees removing all the larger rocks (notice the nice pile?), and added peet moss - it's very true that God provides - there were three large bales already in the barn! I say "I" because Jim had to work today so the kids played outside in their little pool, yes, it was that nice today and I worked at what needed to be done. It was so much fun turning over the ground under the new hummingbird feeder. There weren't as many out today because of the breeze but they did stop by and check it out. I'm sure in a few days the hummingbirds will really be enjoying the new feeders!

I am exhausted tonight though! (and very sunburned even with sunblock today). After I completed cutting in Eli's bed I tidied up four others in the yard and when Jim got home he mowed. The rain is supposed to be back again tomorrow so I'm very thankful that I was able to take advantage of the last few beautiful days. And, with that, I'm too tired to think of much more and I'm itching to start making my plant list, but I'll share one more photo from late this afternoon...

Digging In!

I am tired this evening! I spent most of the day with my girlfriend M outside in the sun and I have the sunburn to prove it! We talked about life and gardening and flower selection. We watched hummingbirds and hawks and crazy kids! She even brought me a stack of books and magazines to go through. They are wonderful inspiration.

As soon as she left I grabbed my tools and started digging in. Before it was dark we managed to get about half of the bed freed from the grips of moss and grass. Jim even brought home a nice new wheelbarrow (romantic huh!?) The weather is supposed to be beautiful again tomorrow so it will get finished then - not the garden, just the cutting in of the bed. We'll then move on to removing all the big rocks - because wouldn't you know it, the spot that I chose has a ton of rocks the size of salad plates! I'll come up with something creative for those though. We'll also add in some peat moss and compost and by then we should also have a good idea of which plants are going to go where.

It has been decided that we'll start off with some hardy perennials like black eyed Susan's, Shasta daisies, phlox, salvia and so on. I am so very excited as many of these items are also supposed to be in bloom right around what would have been Eli's due date. It feels really good to get out there and work on it plus, I'm really happy with where we've chosen to place it. Even with it only half way in we can tell it's going to fit with what we envisioned.




Also, as a big bonus... I found out today that not only did my friends who sent me the box yesterday send all of those wonderful items, they also made a donation in Eli's memory to A Small Victory. I highly encourage you to check out this non-profit. It was started, here in Washington, by a wonderful woman who lost her daughter before she really got to meet her. The grief kits that she provides to families are so wonderful. It's quite comforting to have something to remember your baby by and it keeps you from leaving the hospital completly empty handed. She was also instrumental in the decisions that we made when we delivered Eli as she walked me through the options that she would have chosen if she had to do it again. Like I said, I have some wonderful women in my life that I am so very thankful for...

Gifts...

... in the literal sense today. I've talked a lot about the gifts that God has given me in my ability to cope with losing Eli. I've talked about the gift of friends that have held my hand through it and allowed me to talk and cry when I need to. I know that I have also talked about how a great number of these friends I have never been able to give a real, live hug to because they are spread all over the country - world really.


Well, today I was surprised by a box from that big brown truck that always seems to deliver something cool. Today it was a real, literal gift from those real friends that I am so very thankful for. They know about the garden that we are working on for Eli. Many of them read every day and secretly got together. When I grabbed the box I saw that it was from PA... and I knew that inside would be something wonderful. The mommies from R's birth board are just incredible women. So, without wasting any more time, here are the photos of the incredibly thoughtful gifts that they sent.

This garden angel is the first thing I saw when I opened the box...

Karleigh was standing with me and said "Oh mom, it looks like Baby Eli, that'll be perfect in his garden!" She then saw me crying and said "What's the matter... don't you like it? --- I'll take him!" I told her that no, I was very happy and I have very good friends.

The package also included a couple of beautiful, hand blown glass hummingbird feeders. I had just told Jim yesterday that we needed to get the food out in our old feeder. The air was full of sweet little hummingbirds yesterday. Some were zooming past and we could only hear them, some zipped past and slowed down as they stopped at the cherry plum tree and several even stopped to rest in the tree so we could see them and hear their tiny chirps.

I didn't get the best shot of this one... it stakes into the ground and has a pretty purple reservoir with a red glass flower insert.

The one hanging in the tree (and the umbrella/ant catcher goes the other way... oops!) is also blown glass with the red inserts. Each of the reservoirs are a really pretty aqua color and this one will hang above where the flowers will be planted. It is so perfect!

This is a close-up of the adorable glass inserts...

There was also a card and these beautiful hand made items. It's a key chain for Jim and a bracelet for me with stones to represent Eli's special dates. It's so nice to have something to have with us at all times and knowing that they were made especially for me warms my heart.

My heart has always known that these ladies are my friends. It's hard for some people to understand the relationship that we have but my heart is overflowing this evening. Thank you again, I don't know what else to say. I am truly touched.

The Right Tools...

Today we headed out for a full day of yard work which was wonderful. Now, you may be thinking "where's the sarcasm warning?"... there isn't one. It was great! First, it was a refreshing change for me to get out there and actually work. It seems that it did take the full six weeks as I had been warned, to physically start feeling energetic again. Second, it didn't pour down rain. In fact it was kind of sunny for part of the day. Third, the reason for the yard work was in preparation for getting Eli's flowerbed in. It may be hard to tell from this photo of today's result but we made a ton of progress.

As you can probably tell from this shot, the rain this evening ultimately chased us inside but it held off for the majority of the time that we were out there. Some day I'll have to snap a photo from the lower left hand corner of this photo. There are lots of little flowers that are popping up along that hillside. It would appear that my great grandma had used the same area for a flower garden at some point and there are things that keep growing. I even uncovered what could easily be an old gravel foot path. I'm really excited to see how the tiny flowers do now that we have tons of the blackberry bushes off of them and we'll consider them a bonus. It was probably a pretty funny sight, Jim and me yanking at bushes and trees while tip-toeing around tiny violets, lambs ears, trillium's and others that are currently nameless to us. To add a bit more "proof" that there really was a ton of stuff removed from the area in the photo...

... that's Jim contemplating the plan of attack for the start of today's burn pile (and see! It was sunny!)

Now, if you have ever doubted my "redneckedness"... I will go ahead and tell you that I like to control a burn pile more than just about anyone you may ever meet. In our family it isn't a burn pile without a leaf blower to make it burn faster and hotter, a pitch fork to pile everything back on quickly, a chain saw to keep the pile shaped just right for maximum burning efficiency, a few secret ingredients and the trusty garden hose for "just in case". We're crazy, not stupid! Two safely napping kiddos was the icing on the proverbial cake today. I'm a fan of "manning" the leaf blower and shaping the pile while Jim continues to use the chain saw to add more to the pile. He finally asked me why it is that I never use the chainsaw. You would think, being the daughter of a former logger and now living on a timber farm that the chainsaw would be one of my most important tools... it is, as long as someone else is running it! Jim asked if I was afraid of it - not the case, it's just too loud, that's all.

Anyway, the point of all this slightly mindless drivel is that it is much easier to accomplish the task at hand with the right tools. Many days I have wandered outside to attempt just parts of this same project... with hand clippers, shorts and flip flops, certainly not the right tools and of course I wasn't successful. Today, the two of us (even with one set of eyes on the kids at all times) with the right tools, were able to handle so much more. I truly believe that the only reason that I have been able to handle/deal/heal through losing Eli is that I have the right tools. I have a great support system of friends and family and most importantly, I have an intact belief system. A system that was rather viciously and ignorantly attacked just a year ago. However, that attack only made my beliefs stronger, sorry devil, nice try though. It's certainly nice to know where those tools can be found and that He is with me no matter what!

More Rain...

Today was full of more rain in various forms from torrential downpours, to tiny sprinkles with the sun shining through, to the grey steady thump of pounding hail and back again. It's ok though. As it has been said, "it takes a lot of rain to make the grass so green." So, bring it on!


I continue to sit in this weird place of limbo right now. I want time to hurry up, I want to move on, I want to heal more (hello, physical healing... I'm ready for that). I know what the emotional healing is like and I know that it does get easier. Though there will always be a scar, the wound will heal. At the same time I want everything to slow down. I don't want to watch my life race past me even if I am a very willing participant.


Daily, I think about Eli and how his short life continues to impact mine. I often spend so much time talking about how great it is when something, understandably "good" happens. I admit that I also spend time fretting about those things that would normally be considered "bad" - disease, yucky weather, death (in no particular order). It turns out, that God has a plan and it can't all be lollipops and unicorns - because let's face it with that much sugar and that much unicorn hair... well, I'm sure you can picture it. There's a delicate balance that God has put in place and I have to embrace it, the good and the bad. I have to believe that there is a much greater reason that Eli came in to our lives even beyond "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away." I have stopped praying for sunshine, started welcoming the rain and whatever makes this soil rich.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

All or Nothing...

Today is just one of those days. I am filled with both peace and anxiety, excitement and serenity. Those emotions are really wrestling with each other and it's a bit strange since I've been going through all of the emotions of grief, but it's usually one or the other. I have experienced the wild swinging back and forth but this feeling all of it at the same time is rather odd. I find that when I start experiencing those types of things that I can't really wrap my head around, I often end up flipping through the few photos of Eli that we have, setting up my camera and taking pictures of the pictures so that I can edit them and crop them differently (they do not scan well at all). It seems to be a trick to make me think that we actually have more photos of him than we do but whatever helps me "deal" right?


I know I've said it before but I am still so shocked, amazed and impressed by his perfect hands. I am not just saying "perfect" - they were. Dr. B called back today to confirm what the nurse had told me last week. Anatomically, he was perfect and frankly, chromosomal anomalies generally present themselves physically as well (which I already knew too). Dr.B seemed more concerned about my mental health at this point. He is just a genuine guy that has had to deal with his own losses as well. He knows our entire history and rejoiced with me when I showed up at his office, pregnant without medical help, just a month after my annual. He choked back tears when he once again, had to confirm that we had lost another baby. Anyway, he wished that he could give us more answers but he understood when I said, "it is what it is and knowing would not change the outcome." So, with that, it feels that we have arrived closer to the last chapter of THIS part of the story.


I believe that God has a plan for our family far beyond what I could imagine... pure and simple!

The Starting Point...

I took advantage of a break in the rain today to snap a photo of where we have (most likely) decided to place Eli's flower garden (I also decided to try a little Orton effect on the photo since it was so boring before). We're hoping to plant it between the woodshed on the right, moving the antique washing machine (that white thing that's been a planter for as long as I can remember) and wrapping it around the old tree on your left. The tree is already great for hanging baskets, wind chimes and hummingbird feeders. We spend nearly all of our time in the back yard so we want to have it somewhere we can enjoy it at all times... this, so far, is our plan.


I'm feeling a little bit of anxiety about it but I think that's mainly because I'm one of those who once they have an idea, they want to get in and start working on it. God is certainly working on teaching me patience... as soon as we agreed to the spot and I went to grab a shovel, it started pouring down rain and hail. Now, I don't see that as some sort of "sign" that it's a bad idea. I see it that it's April in the rainy pacific northwest, nothing more, nothing less. So, there's the "before" picture complete with spotty moss in the lawn and the rusty roof of the woodshed. That was actually where my great grandparents and my grandpa lived while they were building the house that we currently live in. My only concern is this new little guy who has taken up residence under the woodshed...


So, while I would rather be tending to a nursery and my newborn son this summer, I will be tending to a lovely garden spot instead. I also know that this summer my garden won't feel "perfect", it will take a while to grow and mature and reach it's full potential. I promise to share photos of the process as we move along with our little creation. The thought of a flowering garden spot brings me joy, happiness and hope. While I was standing and looking out the window at the spot in the photo above I thought about how appropriate John 16:22 is right now. "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

Liquid Sunshine...

... otherwise known as rain, but it has felt more like liquid sunshine today for the most part. The kids, my mom and I all took a field trip to IKEA today. It was a great indoor activity, we stayed dry, we wandered around, we listened to and watched airplanes (IKEA is nearly at the end of the Portland Airport landing strip), we ate lunch, walked around some more and then came home. That was our plan for today, fairly simple - the kids were so good. R snuggled the entire time in his Ergo carrier belly to belly with me, periodically grabbing my cheeks and planting kisses on me. Once he did bonk my nose, drawing tears from my eyes, but that was a small price to pay for literally hours of scream free, wiggle free shopping. K was a trooper, riding in the cart or walking right beside us with minimal touching (that's a big thing for her). They both were rewarded for their outstanding behavior, which is rare... (the reward, not the good behavior). K picked out an incredibly soft stuffed cat and R picked out a wooden train set. He got very nervous any time it was out of his sight and made SURE that it was going to be coming home with us. So, no, that may not seem like a big outing but every step towards "normalcy" feels great.

Once we got home, I checked the mail and I had TWO cards from some lovely ladies. I'm not sure if they conspired together or not but both cards had a packet of wildflower seeds. I'm sure the rain will stop falling at some point and I can't wait to add them to my flower garden! Thank you so much, L & T, for adding a bright point to my day and a HUGE smile to my face.

Another bright spot... tonight is date night! This is not a regular event, in fact, I do not remember the last date that Jim and I had. So, in just a short bit, we'll be leaving to go out to dinner. There will be no booster seats or high chairs involved or balloons or scarfing down dinner before either little one decides that it's time to go home - NOW! Beyond that we have no plans for tonight. It'll be kind of fun to just go with the flow and see where we end up!

So, though it's been rainy, it's been liquid sunshine. It feels good to get back out in to the world and let my mind drift in a million different directions about a ton of pointless stuff at times. It was a little difficult when we were out today. The last time we were at IKEA was to get new dressers for the kids' room since we were preparing the upstairs for a bedroom swap in order to get the nursery back in shape and there were a ton of newborns and pregnant women. I wasn't jealous though which was a relief, I just think I noticed them more than I would have otherwise. My head has been filled a bit with thoughts of little Ethan (that I linked to last night, exactly 12 hours, to the minute before he passed in to eternity). My thoughts and prayers are certainly with his family tonight as their entire world as they have known it has changed.

Tired but Good...

I know, I'm not going to have a very interesting post tonight. Just checking in really. I've been busy all afternoon with kid and family stuff and it's good! There are a number of people weighing on my heart tonight, but these two families in particular...

Little Ethan Powell

Tricia, Nate and Gwyneth

It would seem tonight that these two families are about as far on the opposite ends of the spectrum as they could be right now. I'm sure you'll be touched by both of them.

As for me, I'm off to bed and am hoping for sweet dreams. Look out IKEA, I'm headed your way tomorrow!

Relaxation!

Today was a wonderful, relaxing day and the weather was beautiful as well - bonus! We still have snow in the shadows up here in the hills but down in the valley, Spring is in full bloom. The kids and I headed to my friend M's house. She declared that it was time to put an end to my "hermitism" and I all too willingly agreed. It was so great to do something that was totally normal for me and for the kids. They had clearly missed each other as K had a full blown melt down about not wanting to leave after 4 hours. I promised her that it would not be that long between visits next time --- she's four, I have no doubt that she will keep me totally accountable!

Thanks to the fresh air and freedom of back yard antics, the kids were WIPED. OUT! So, we came home, filled our tummies, relaxed for a bit and loaded them in to bed. I'm tired too but it's a good tired. It's so very different than the worn out and physical exhaustion and it's different from the mental drain that grief can weigh you down with. Dare I say, it's just "normal" being tired!? It was a great visit, there are just some people that "get it" even if they haven't been in the exact same position. M and I laughed and joked. We talked about some heavy stuff too. She spoke of Eli without stuttering or diverting her eyes from mine, though I'm sure I looked away at times but that's a bad habit I have. We walked through her yard and looked at her flowerbeds - that are planned - who knew you were supposed to "plan" them!?! She will be my right hand gal when it comes to helping me design our flower beds this year and was mindful to point out the plants that will attract hummingbirds and butterflies in addition to being pretty and, hopefully, deer resistant. Thanks M!

Today, I felt much like I did yesterday. Cleansed and peaceful. I started to get into it yesterday, but then deleted it - yesterday afternoon the OB's office called back. It was the same nurse who had called to tell me that we won't end up with a chromosomal analysis result. The poor thing, maybe she's new, maybe she felt the need to give me an answer as to why the samples didn't grow or maybe a bit of both. She was really trying her hardest, trying to help me understand but the thing is I think I understood more than she did. I just let her talk when I realized that she didn't really understand the process and couldn't pronounce chorionic villi. I'm at peace with the fact that we don't have that answer, there was no gain in making her feel even worse. So, I listened and told her thank you. She sounded so flustered. I expect a call from Dr.B next week when he's back in his office. Not that I NEED one, but she needed to know that she wasn't leaving me with the answers or lack there of. I told her that I understood and that everything was ok. I don't think she believed me. I guess my point is, if in the heat of the moment, I can say "it's ok"... it really must be.

I'm feeling like I'm back in the "game." I have friends who are currently pregnant, some are brand newly pregnant, some are heavily pregnant and I'm genuinely happy for each and every one of them. I still have moments of sadness and mostly disappointment for what I thought was to be. I have hope that some day the roles will be slightly reversed but I just can't begrudge any one of them their happiness and their miracle. I will live today for what it is and will do the same with tomorrow. The way I heard it today, M said "our past is just a story."

Matthew 6:33-34

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Spring Cleaning...

The sun is shining, the sky is a vibrant blue, there's a gentle breeze, just a beautiful peaceful day. It's Wednesday and still, I dove in to the first major step of my Spring cleaning... deep cleaning the carpets. We have nearly white carpet in the "hub" of our home. Smart. I usually keep up with the spots but due to that not being on the high end of my priority list over the last six weeks, there were quite a few grungy places. Too many for spot cleaning at this point so they got steam cleaned. It looks and feels so much better!

It's funny (not haha funny, but I can't think of the word I want right now) where God finds opportunity to get in my head. Part of the drone from the cleaner helped to clear my mind however, I still had my iPod on and blasting in my ears. Shock of shocks, ok not really... every single song spoke to my soul. I understand that is part of the beauty of music that there is so much that can be left open to interpretation however, with thousands of songs some of the most important ones popped up as did some that I had never heard but will always been on my play list now. I also realized that it might be time to update my play list here. Many of the songs now make me kind of sad. That's really neither here nor there but just a sneak peek into the way my mind works... kind of like a pin ball!

Of course I AM sad for what I don't have here but that's not my overwhelming emotion any more. I have excitement, energy and hope... thank God. I know much of it has to do with where I have been looking, where I allow my heart and my head to go. There's that saying "garbage in, garbage out." I know that if I was surrounding myself, reading, and immersing myself in bitter, angry thoughts that's what I would be living and reflecting. I cannot do that. I would much rather be living in peace and sun light. I've thrown open the windows of my heart and my soul feels cleansed!

Psalm 51:10-12
“Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.”

It sure seems a lot easier for me to be happy and excited, which is rejuvenating, than to be angry and bitter which is just exhausting!

Acceptance...

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

~Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

This is, thankfully, where I'm at with things today. That tiny part of me keeps going back to the "Gee, I wish I knew what went wrong..." But I won't - and that's ok. What I find so great is that I can be ok with not knowing. Plus, knowing wouldn't fill my achy arms, it would probably just give me even more to query Dr. Google about and that's not a productive use of my time or talents.

It's all too often that I think we as humans try to answer those "who", "what", "when", "where" "why" and "how" questions for our worldly understanding. However, those questions are not important in eternity - it's only the answer that matters: God.

There is no way that I would trade the moments that we had with Eli to know for sure why he died, what caused it or how it could have been prevented. He decided when Eli would come in to our lives and He knew where we would be when He would take Eli home. God will watch over and keep me regardless of my knowledge about the matter.

I have said before, I made a conscious effort to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy. I have tried my best to remember every moment during and after delivery - even the haunting dreams, surgery prep and passing out - it was all part of the multi-dimensional experience. And I will embrace that forever.