- less is more when it comes to a lot of things
- the weather in the Pacific Northwest is crazy
- I have two really good kids
- I may be doing a really good job at pretending that everything is ok
- I require a lot of sleep to be "with it"
- the Grand Caravan moved way down on our list of possible new vehicles
- I don't have a lot of patience
- my "fat" pants are too big and my "skinny" pants are too small and overall I just feel *yuck* about this body
- I'm unwilling to wait 90 minutes to eat at The Cheesecake Factory
- It is quite possible that my thoughts are even more obscure in the middle of the day!
- that I forgot how much I like that nasty canned cheese that magically squirts out of the can
- that I feel kind of like I'm slipping a little bit
- that I would have much rather have been baby shopping this weekend instead of living room shopping
- that I don't want to have to work at getting pregnant again
- that I just want Eli back and to be 25 weeks pregnant now
- that I just want to forget about all of it
- that I'm afraid that everyone is judging how I'm grieving... even me.
I also learned that less is so much more when it comes to kid toys. As soon as our company pulled out of the driveway this morning, we hauled a bunch of things down to the basement and cleaned up the playroom - yet again. This time we put quite a bit less back in. R's into his cars and Lego's and K's into coloring, drawing, writing, cutting and pasting and they both enjoy story time and puzzles. So, in an effort to prove to myself as much as anything that I did do something productive today, here's a photo of the "new and improved" playroom!
I have also decided that the last few days, where I was pulled away from myself and from my "deeper" thoughts, I ended up feeling kind of sad and lost. Today as I was reading, I came across Psalm 42:5,6 - Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Luckily, God always knows what my heart needs even before I do.
4 comments:
You have every right to question your grieving, but just to let you know from someone on the outside who is praying for you...your grace, honesty, humor and faith are amazing. Hugs, Megan
I like that fake cheesy stuff on munchos or pringles...
I require lots of sleep, too, and was having a breakdown over a silly potty-accident (puddle on the living room carpet) today around 12:30 because I didn't get it last night. Thankfully Bear cooperated and played nicely in her room until she decided to nap, too (in her diaper instead of big girl pants).
Praying for you!!!!
Kristi
i was thinking about you last night. i don't really know why, not that i never think about you and your family, but it was just weird.
anyways, i read your blog every single day. and i think this is my 1st comment to you, i never know what to say, except that i am sorry.
but...today...i wanted to tell you how much i love you and your family. you are inspirational and your writing shows that.
i cried a bit reading this entry. i wish you could be out baby shopping as well.
it just saddens me that right now i have 2 friends going through similar, yet very different things. you and your family's loss of eli. and my best friend's loss of knowing she will never have children, unless a miracle happens.
and here i sit, with life inside of me and tears in my eyes, wishing and hoping every day that you never have to go through another loss again, and that my friend's miracle will happen for her.
i wish you the best and i hope my comment doesnt upset you.
-brandy
I have been sleeping a lot too. I thought it was because I'm healing physically. Maybe it's because I'm healing emotionally. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one.
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