Today has been one of those days where my thoughts are very jumbled. I've been thinking a lot about several people and families and because of that, haven't made the time to really have any personal thoughts today. As I stepped in to the office while the kids were coloring I noticed the sun setting so I decided to take a photo. Then, several minutes later, the same window, same trees but the view seemed much different. I guess that's kind of how I feel about things today. They're the same but they're different at the same time.
In looking at these two photos, one is not necessarily more beautiful than the other but they are very different photos of the same thing. I guess I'm starting to sound kind of obscure. My point that I'm trying to make is change is a good thing and it's necessary. Is one way better than the other? Not necessarily, but it's life. Do I have all faith that our life would have been great with Eli in it the way WE had planned? Of course. But, I also have faith that our life will be beautiful with him in it in a way much different than we had imagined. I know that it probably seems like I keep revisiting the same ideas over and over but I have to. My grief is very cyclical and every Monday through Wednesday seems more difficult and of course it makes total sense as to why. Those are the days that I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that this is the way my life was always supposed to be. Would I have chosen this path for myself? No, probably not, but God did and considering he drew my map there's not a lot of arguing I can or should do about it. My option is to look to Him to help me and hold my hand through it...
Psalm 18:4-6
The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
3 comments:
You don't know me, but i'm sitting here after reading your blog bawling. I've reached the end of my rope tonight. Thank you for your post and your posting of the Psalm
I totally relate to your comment about how the same thing can seem so different sometimes. That is one thing that I have really noticed this last year. Somedays, I literally feel sick, I have trouble breathing and I am devastated by what has happened. The next day, or even the next hour, I will think about the same thing, and (only by God's grace) I feel peace. I'm "okay" with it. I find a place of truth where I can miss him and yet feel alright. I think God gives us those moments as "proof" that we are healing. Someday we will be perfectly healed and in the presence of God who gives it to us, as well as the ones we love and miss who have found perfect healing before us.
I like your thinking. You're totally right, and I think Eli is proud of you.
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