A Close Call...

Phew, almost missed a post... we were lovin' on Portland tonight and JUST got in! I'll share the details tomorrow! Nighty, Night!

Funny Friday Fotos...

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is being sure of what we hope for.

So one of my God-sent friends emailed this to me this evening. Perfect! I love how she just comes across something and sends it on. She doesn't have to say anything else, just passes along a thought and sometimes that can say more than pages and pages. That scripture made me sigh one of those good cleansing sighs, the "okay God, you're right" sighs. I had a really good day today with the kids. We played outside, planted two kinds of sunflowers, radishes, peas and corn. Karleigh tended to her wildflower garden by picking out the grass clippings from when Jim mowed the lawn last night and she watered it. Rylan loved the 'stick hunt' that we went on to make the pea posts. It was just a really great day. I made time for each of them one on one and I had that passing thought of "what am I doing? I have it so great right now..." but it still really feels like there's something missing. I have faith that I'll get to do this all one more time. I do.

Even after we came in from playing outside there were cuddles and stories and hanging out. K was working very intently on a coloring a big Cinderella picture (which looks beautiful by the way) and R wanted some more lap time so here's what two goofballs can do with 5 minutes or so. Oh, and we were sitting in the office on the desk chair so there was lots of spinning around too... that spin until you almost throw up thing isn't nearly as fun as it used to be! Sorry about the no makeup, disheveled look but hey, we were outside all day and you don't have to be pretty to have fun thank goodness!

I hope you had a wonderful Friday and have a lovely weekend!

What is Wrong with Me?

I'm kind of serious about that question. I have been so --- I don't know...

Checked out isn't the right term because I feel like I'm more present.
Tuned out isn't really right either because I'm paying more attention to the things around me.
Scattered could be the right term, but then again I'm accomplishing more than I have in quite a few months now.
Unemotional isn't right either because I can still get teary at the silliest things and I still get mad, annoyed and frustrated.
Disconnected... maybe disconnected is the right word but still it's not quite right.

Maybe there isn't a word for it this strange grief limbo land. I kind of feel like that little kid in The Incredibles when he's hanging out in the driveway, staring at Mr. Incredible and Mr. Incredible says "Well... what are you waiting for?" and the little boy says "I don't know. Something amazing!" Me too.
I just kind of feel like I'm waiting. Waiting to feel better? Waiting to feel worse? More? Less? Different? I don't know. I kind of feel like there should be some sort of circle that needs to be completed when dealing with this grief and not only does it feel incomplete, it feels like I'm not really even gaining any ground.

I find my mind drifting off to the "could have been's" still and that's ok though because I don't get totally sad or worked up or slammed into a depression about it. It just kind of triggers an "oh yah... that's not happening is it?" response and I move on. Of course now that we are thinking about the future again I also find myself trying to day dream about the possibilities for our family but when I do that, sometimes my moments of excitement are interrupted with feelings of guilt. Ack. Not fair. I want to be able to think about the future without total terror that it won't happen or that it will happen and then it'll be taken away from me again. *if you could see me right now, you'd see that I'm pouting a little bit* Don't worry, I'm not mad at God. I'm mad at myself for expecting something from a situation that cannot have any expectations.

I know I haven't written much lately but it's because of the above thoughts and the fact that I can't really nail any one significant thing down. I have read recently about mom's who just "know" that something is going to go wrong with their pregnancy. I kind of felt this way with Eli too. It's very difficult to explain but everything that I thought, everything that I did had the disclaimer of "if this really happens" or "if this works out". I think the few people that were kept in the loop about my purchases know exactly what I'm talking about. The infant insert that I purchased to use with the Ergo carrier was purchased off of Craigslist because "I want something gender neutral and plus, I'm not paying full price when I don't even know the future for sure." The excellent new Silver Cross stroller that I got for a steal... "and it's heavy duty enough that if things don't work out, Rylan can always use it or I can resell it on Craigslist". The diaper bag... "it's a mom accessory and plus, I can always use it for a gift for someone else if it ends up that way." Seriously, I justified every purchase with why it would be ok, even if the baby didn't "happen". I spent hours upon hours trying to really visualize what it would be like to have K & R at their respective ages with a newborn and it never really happened. I had the PLAN down but the emotion that usually goes with a plan that you believe in, wasn't there. It is strange. Oddly enough, when I couldn't find his heart beat that Sunday, it wasn't "no! no! no!" it was more like silent tears and "I knew it... figures." Sure I prayed my heart out for me to be wrong but I knew. It's strange but there's my confession. I think it was God's way of protecting my heart a bit. That doesn't mean that it didn't hurt and doesn't still hurt to this day. What it means is that He knew how much I could take and thankfully, he blessed me by putting a buffer on my heart.

I don't know how long I'm going to be hanging out here in "Limbo Land" but I guess I'll take the time to get some much needed sleep since I'm not super emotionally charged in one direction or another. I'll take the time to accomplish as many tasks around the house as possible (or that I feel like 'cause honey, that basement is your domain!) I'll take the time to just "be" with my kids. I'll try to enjoy every day even if it's full of fog and heavy mist. I will find something good from this but I guess this is just one of those really boring legs of the journey.

Until tomorrow...

My 100th Post is on a Wordless Wednesday...

Garden Update...

As you may have noticed, my thoughts over the last few days have been pretty scattered. So, instead of trying to say anything that makes any sense, I thought I'd show an updated photo of Eli's Garden from this evening. The sun finally came out for a bit late this afternoon so we took advantage of it as best we could. We finally came in when it was totally dark and K realized that there were bats flying around outside!



I'm keeping it short and sweet tonight as we have a project that we're going to work on for a bit now that the kids are in bed and asleep. It's nice to have their help most times, but when it involves paint... not so much!

Scratched and Bruised...

Psalm 37:1-7
"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

I have to believe that this is true. Number one, because I cannot imagine going through the life always expecting and assuming the worst. I tend to be a fairly optimistic person and I don't believe that my God tortures his children by giving them trial after trial after trial. Sure, there are some people that seem to be handed a whole lot more but many of them seem to come through it with flying colors and so much stronger. Number two, I believe it since it is written in His word. Now, I will admit that I am dealing with having some "issues" with what is written and how some people are using the written word to attack God. There are quite a few things in the Old Testament that I struggle with but, that's for me to continue to study. Hummm, that was kind of a tangent wasn't it?

Today was one of those grey, foggy days. Not the beautiful kick-start to summer that everyone has been longing for. I was able to get more done on this office floor and my fingers are half numb as I type this and they're achy and scratched but I know the end result will be worth it. Seems like that's the way so many things are going in my life right now. Scratched and bruised but all for a good cause, I hope.

Uninspired...

... and I'm strangely happy about that. I kind of feel like I'm coasting along in limbo-land. Those of you who have dealt with this grief thing probably know the place that I'm talking about. Those of you who have had the unfortunate experience of losing a pregnancy probably understand it even a little more. I'm in that strange place where I can't get myself worked up and excited about much and I'm also not down in the dumps. It's that emotional temperature where you've been hanging out in your nice hot bathtub for just long enough that you can't quite tell where your skin stops and the water starts.

I'm sure that part of it is that I've passed that point... the point where I have now been without Eli longer than I knew I was pregnant with him and I'm currently in that period of time that he was forming into the little guy that he would become we just didn't know it yet. By mid-June I will be longer without him on every count than I was with him. Every day, even without doing anything, I move further and further away from remembering what it was like to anticipate having three children. All the while, I'm also trying to stay positive without getting too excited and hopeful for the chance to try again. It's a weird place right now.

Things that should be throwing me off track aren't. Just the other day Jim walked in with the mail and there was a little package from Graco. It was a cute little swaddling blanket that was sent as part of a promotion for one of their new products. I opened it and looked at it and folded it back up and put it in the closet along with the other brand new infant products that are just waiting, hopefully not gathering too much dust because I was really picky about the few things that I did pick up. It didn't send me into tears, sure I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to use it in a couple months but it's waiting for the right little person - mine or someone else's. While I was in the closet I took a peek at the manufacture date on the car seat that is up there. I know how long my kids have used the Roundabout so we're still good there... but the clock is ticking as to whether we get to use it again or if it goes up for sale on Craigslist before Christmas. It is what it is though. I can't fight it, there's really no point.

I can look forward to the future but I try not to do too much of that and just really try to enjoy the here and now because I don't know what the future holds. I do know what my "now" holds though. My now holds two crazy kids who love each other 'to the moon and back'. My now holds adding bits and pieces to Eli's garden when the mood strikes me... two sword ferns today. My now holds enjoying reading with the kids for hours on end because they will still cuddle with me and hang on every last word. My now holds eating Doritos and drinking a Mt.Dew if I want to. My now holds working hard enough to be proud of what I've accomplished but not so hard that I wear myself thin so I have nothing else to give back. My now holds truly enjoying the now.

I've Been TAGGED!

I was tagged by Breanna.

So here are the rules as to what I had to do and if you are one of my lucky 7 below then you need to also do the following:
1. Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog .

7 'Fabulous' Facts:

7. I can hear thunder outside my window and that makes me smile. It also makes our lights flicker.
6. I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue and that makes other people smile.

5. My husband and daughter are coloring together on the floor and that melts my heart.
4. I'm addicted to my camera and Photoshop and that's just a simple fact.
3. I'm still really, really tired on a regular basis and that's kind of a bummer.
2. Taylor Swift's performance on the ACM's made me tear up (What's up with that? It was like a proud mommy moment... I'm old!) Here's the vid Lacey, since I'm guessing it didn't air in England. Did you know that TS wrote Our Song when she was 14? I cannot even fathom K doing something like that in 10 short years!

1. My family is my life and I think that's pretty obvious!

And HERE are my lucky 7 people!

Angela

Jamie

Kara

Kaylee

Kimm

Lacey

Lauren

And a photo of a HUGE bumblebee from earlier today. He was a happy as could be hanging out on the salvia in Eli's garden!

Try, Try Again...

Well, there's the proof that we're ready to give this another shot. Pill number one will be meeting my system shortly. There's certainly no guarantee that this will work - even with "drugs", it's still all in God's hands but this is the route we have had to take 4 times out of 5. The side effects can be interesting, as in "hormonal" interesting so some bizarre tangents and vents may show up in the next couple of weeks but we'll see!

My parents are here for a few days which has been nice. The kids have been enjoying their company and the company of Jacksi (the crazy lab that as an extended family, we all adopted) She lived with us for a couple months but we realized that the kids were kind of stressing the poor pup out. She loves them SO much but was always "working". The only time she could relax was when they were napping or at night. Any other time during the day she was always concerning herself with where they were at all times, inside, outside, it didn't matter. She was starting to show signs of stress so she ended up going to live with my parents and I think it's been a lot easier on her. She has doggy playmates with the neighbors but still gets to enjoy the kids for a few days at a time.

It's been a nice little visit and Jim has a very light work schedule over the next few days so hopefully we can get some projects in the house worked out... since the weather isn't going to cooperate for any outdoor projects. I hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable weekend. And on that note, I think I'll go back and visit with my company!

Thankful Thursday...

In case you missed it, Phoenix's test results came back and his lumps were benign!

KayCee is in high spirits! Genny's growth, has shot up to show her right on schedule. She's still safe and growing in her mommy!

My cold is starting to finally improve and I'm starting to feel more like myself again.

Just a few of the things that I'm thankful for!

Less Word Wednesday...

For Less Word Wednesday, I give you some photos from our "nature hike" through the yard a few days ago, enjoy!

Three...

Three long, short, happy, sad months ago we saw the face of baby number three. I hadn't even thought about what I would write today really. After finally getting the kids down for their nap - they were very intent in "bird watching" today for no apparent reason other than it made for a great stall tactic. Over the last few days the Barn Swallows have been crazy busy. Flying, scolding and showing off their fearlessness - I'm pretty sure they have new chicks in the nesting boxes in the barn based on their activity. We also have a bunch of Cedar Wax Wings who are working on de-berrying the holly trees which is fun to watch so the kids have been into birds the last few days. Lest I forget to mention they can overlook one of the hummingbird feeders from Karleigh's bed as well.

It finally quieted down upstairs and I opened my email after tossing in a load of laundry to find the new e-votional for the day. It's actually dated for tomorrow but I read them when I get them. It's titled "God Cares for Sparrows!" It's at this point that I'll say that about the only thing I remember about my grandpa's funeral 20 years ago was that we sang "His Eye in on the Sparrow". So, this is much of what was in the e-votional for today:

THE SONG THAT SILENCED THE CAPPUCCINO MACHINE

By John Thomas Oaks

It was chilly in Manhattan but warm inside the Starbucks' shop on 51st Street and Broadway, just a skip up from Times Square . Early November weather in New York City holds only the slightest hint of the bitter chill of late December and January, but it's enough to send the masses crowding indoors to vie for available space and warmth.

For a musician, it's the most lucrative Starbucks' location in the world, I'm told, and consequently, the tips can be substantial if you play your tunes right. Apparently, we were striking all the right chords that night, because our basket was almost overflowing.

It was a fun, low-pressure gig - I was playing keyboard and singing backup for my friend who also added rhythm with an arsenal of percussion instruments. We mostly did pop songs from the '40s to the '90s with a few original tunes thrown in. During our emotional rendition of the classic, 'If You Don't Know Me by Now,' I noticed a lady sitting in one of the lounge chairs across from me. She was swaying to the beat and singing along.

After the tune was over, she approached me. 'I apologize for singing along on that song. Did it bother you?' she asked.
'No,' I replied. 'We love it when the audience joins in. Would you like to sing up front on the next selection?'
To my delight, she accepted my invitation.
'You choose,' I said. 'What are you in the mood to sing?'
'Well. .. Do you know any hymns?'
Hymns? This woman didn't know who she was dealing with. I cut my teeth on hymns. Before I was even born, I was going to church. I gave our guest singer a knowing look. 'Name one.'
'Oh, I don't know. There are so many good ones. You pick one.'
'Okay,' I replied. 'How about 'His Eye is on the Sparrow'?'
My new friend was silent, her eyes averted. Then she fixed her eyes on mine again and said, 'Yeah. Let's do that one.'
She slowly nodded her head, put down her purse, straightened her jacket and faced the center of the shop. With my two-bar setup, she began to sing.
Why should I be discouraged? Why should the shadows come?
The audience of coffee drinkers was transfixed. Even the gurgling noises of the cappuccino machine ceased as the employees stopped what they were doing to listen. The song rose to its conclusion. I sing because I'm happy; I sing because I'm free. For His eye is on the sparrow, And I know He watches me.

When the last note was sung, the applause crescendoed to a deafening roar that would have rivaled a sold-out crowd at Carnegie Hall. Embarrassed, the woman tried to shout over the din, 'Oh, y'all go back to your coffee! I didn't come in here to do a concert! I just came in here to get somethin' to drink, just like you!' But the ovation continued. I embraced my new friend.

'You, my dear, have made my whole year! That was beautiful!'
'Well, it's funny that you picked that particular hymn,' she said.
'Why is that?'
'Well ...' she hesitated again, 'that was my daughter's favorite song.'
'Really!' I exclaimed.
'Yes,' she said, and then grabbed my hands. By this time, the applause had subsided and it was business as usual. 'She was 16. She died of a brain tumor last week.'

I said the first thing that found its way through my stunned silence. 'Are you going to be okay?'
She smiled through tear-filled eyes and squeezed my hands. 'I'm gonna be okay. I've just got to keep trusting the Lord and singing his songs, and everything's gonna be just fine.' She picked up her bag, gave me her card, and then she was gone.

Was it just a coincidence that we happened to be singing in that particular coffee shop on that particular November night? Coincidence that this wonderful lady just happened to walk into that particular shop? Coincidence that of all the hymns to choose from, I just happened to pick the very hymn that was the favorite of her daughter, who had died just the week before? I refuse to believe it.

God has been arranging encounters in human history since the beginning of time, and it's no stretch for me to imagine that he could reach into a coffee shop in midtown Manhattan and turn an ordinary gig into a revival. It was a great reminder that if we keep trusting him and singing his songs, everything's gonna be okay.

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk, Abraham was too old, Isaac was a daydreamer, Jacob was a liar, Leah was ugly, Joseph was abused, Moses had a stuttering problem, Gideon was afraid, Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer, Rahab was a prostitute, Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, David had an affair and was a murderer, Elijah was suicidal, Isaiah preached naked, Jonah ran from God, Naomi was a widow, Job went bankrupt, John the Baptist ate bugs, Peter denied Christ, The Disciples fell asleep while praying, Martha worried about everything, The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once, Zaccheus was too small, Paul was too religious, Timothy had an ulcer...

AND, Lazarus was dead! ! No more excuses now!!

God can use us to our full potential. Besides we aren't the message, we are just the messenger.


I've encountered lots of messengers over the last three months and I thank God for each and every one of them. Two of those messengers are on my prayer list for today - Liz, as I recall, is anticipating Phoenix's biopsy results today. My friend KayCee is on complete hospital bed rest with her daughter Genny. She's 21 weeks now and we are hoping and praying to make it past 24 weeks. Genny is KayCee's Rainbow baby. Not only is she dealing with premature labor but Genny also has some precarious cord issues with loose knots which can quickly turn ugly. As long as the labor can be stalled with medications this may be the best place for them since Genny is now being continuously monitored, any constrictions should be picked up right away. On the praise side of things, Jim received a promotion within the company. The best kind of promotion - where he basically keeps doing what he's been doing, he just gets a new title and a raise... plus some travel. YAY!

Psalm 84:1-3
"How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young-a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God."

ME...

I don't have a lot to say tonight. This is just something that I was thinking about today while sitting outside keeping an eye on the kids... I have a really big problem with being self centered. Not in an I have to have everything my way all the time. But in an even when I have the best of intentions I have a really hard time trying to say what I want without making it about me, way.
My opinion.
My insight.
My experience.
On and on it seems to go.

I was once, like LONG time ago, told that I spend too much time talking about other people. I wasn't speaking unkind words but for whatever reason that stuck with me. Then, when I was in college, I was a Resident Assistant and part of that was training on how to speak with people during confrontation. I suppose this would have been a tad helpful if confrontation had been something that I had trouble with. I didn't. The training involved making sure that you use lots of "I" statements. I do understand the need for that and actually have used it. However, I had far more luck with my peers by taking the "I hate having to write you up for this but, dude, we both know the rules and we both know that I'm just doing my job..." No harm, no foul, no hard feelings. I'm finding that I don't think that works all too well when it comes down to the empathy, sympathy, commiserating thing. I don't think it works well during the sit and chit chat afternoon where I constantly feel like I'm trying to dominate a conversation because of I statements. I don't know.

I guess it seems like a really weird place to be thinking about this right now. I guess the reason I'm doing it is because I have received so much love and support through this whole thing and I really just want to make sure that I'm always able to provide my friends the same type of support that they've shown me. I'm fully aware that there is so much that isn't about me. I'm not trying to make some one else's situation about me. I don't know what I always feel like I do that.

I need to work on that because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.

*No one has brought this fault to my attention it just seems like a daily struggle that I should address*

Sunny Sunday...

The weather is just stunning today. Sunny, 80-ish, gentle breeze, you get the picture. I'm trying to ignore the fact that every joint in my body aches and that I'm left with only a whisper for a voice. So, I'm resting on the couch, the windows are open and the kids are currently napping.

This morning K and I went out to water the flowers before the sun came around full force. I decided that a little Miracle-Gro might give them a boost so I pulled out the watering can, the hose and the fertilizer. You do have to picture this all in slow motion which probably looked pretty funny. We emptied the watering can once and I told her that I was going in to check on R, who was still working on waking up on the sofa. When I came back outside K was sitting next to the flower bed and announced that she had just prayed to Jesus for the flowers. Somewhere between trying not to cry and trying not to laugh from pure joy I said "Oh yah?" She said "Yah, it was easier than trying to do it with the watering can - that thing is heavy!" I couldn't help myself and had to ask her what she had said. She said (as best I can remember) "Thank you God and Jesus for the beautiful flowers even though we have them for the angel baby. Please let them grow strong and tall and pretty so we can laugh and sing for all to hear..." Yah, that makes a momma very happy.

At this point I started thinking about why in the world I can't always be thankful for things like that, why I can't look at the trials as just part of the journey in getting to a "beautiful garden" so I started doing some reading. I will leave you with my two favorite passages from today.

James 1:2-6

Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask Him, and He will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that you really expect Him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

James 1:12

God Blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Remember...

Philippians 1:3

I thank my God every time I remember you.

What a totally precious piece of scripture that was shared with me this evening. I'm still quite sick and though I don't enjoy trying to beat down a 103 temp with medicine, it has given me a chance to think a bit. I have realized that I have been thinking more about our first losses, the first one in particular. Actually the word "loss" is kind of strange to me because that would indicate that I don't know where the baby went. I know where he/she is. For some reason, today I was vividly remembering our 12.5 week appointment.

We were chatting it up with Dr. B, talking about nursery colors, themes, etc. By the way, we were going to paint the nursery yellow and accent it with green, cream, and bumblebees. We talked about how the closet was organized and that we had found some great sales on gender neutral things. The appointment was just like any other early visit, pee in a cup, check blood pressure and listen to the heart beat. The only problem was that they couldn't pick it up with the Doppler that day. I was getting excited because I still didn't know the difference between my heartbeat and that of the baby - boy do I know now. But in my naivete, I couldn't fathom that something would or could possibly be wrong. When Dr. B had had enough trying, he said, "you know what? let's send you back for a quick ultrasound." We were beyond excited to get a sneak peek at our baby and he made sure to let us know that it would be too early to tell the gender but that we'd get a good look. We headed back to the ultrasound room and from that point on, it all starts to get foggy for me. We were so excited to see the baby and before we knew it, the screen was being turned away from us and Dr. B was very silent. Somewhere in all of that we were told that it looks like there could be a problem but that it was very likely that I just mis-calculated my dates. Not possible. After that there was an appointment with a ultrasound specialist at a different office and we had to take the results back to Dr. B. I knew that it wasn't right since there was a lot of talk about pointing out my ovaries, my bladder... why wasn't she pointing out our baby, the heart beat, the head, the little feet? The next thing I remember is sitting in our car and reaching for the clasp on the big manila envelope that held the scans and Jim just looking at me, putting my hand down and saying "don't..." We drove back over to Dr.B's office and sat amongst a handful of pregnant women and post menopausal women. Before long we were called back by our nurse, Ruth, who had a box of Kleenex in one hand, my file in her other hand and a big hug with the words "I'm so, so, sorry sweetie." And I guess that was that. The discussion that followed included our "options". It's very strange to be given options while at the time you feel like you have NO options. We were not rushed and did not make a decision that day. We came home and talked about it, the pros and cons of the two routes that we were offered. Ultimately, we all decided that a d&c was the way to go and the procedure was completed the following week. I had wanted it done earlier but because of an "important meeting" I was threatened with job loss. Jim and I have both since left that company. Best. Move. Ever! I didn't actually know the gestation of the baby until our consult appointment when I got pregnant with Eli. There in my file it stared back at me "fetal demise 10.5 weeks". I'm not sure I dealt with it all that well at the time. I spent a long time curled up on the couch and pretty much "stuffing" all the emotion. I suppose that's probably what I just wrote so much about it now.

I won't ever be able to look at another pregnancy with such pure joy and excitement as I did that first time and I'm very thankful that though I remember the yucky, I also remember the feeling of pure joy in planning for our first child. I'm thankful that I enjoyed that 12.5 weeks with reckless abandon and because of my God, I can be thankful for every memory.

Fab, Fevered Friday...

Today I don't have much to say. My brain is on fire and even though I've been taking Ibuprofen, I can't seem to get my temp below 101.5. It's tough to be sick on the hottest day of the year, it was close to 95 today! Thankfully the kids have been really good. I have to brag on K a bit. She knew that I didn't feel good so at nap time, she gathered up R's blankets and his "plug", walked him upstairs, tucked him into bed, closed his door, came back downstairs, grabbed an apple out of the fridge, came into the living room, kissed me on the head, cuddled up and ate her apple while letting me nap a bit. It was fabulous! It was also really nice to be able to hear the interaction between the two of them. Very sweet!

This little girl totally loves her little brother!

Ahhh, Lizard Lips!...

I had a plan tonight to write all about the beautiful, albeit muggy, weather. About our nature walk and the photos that we took. About how sometimes the big picture is really in the little picture and enjoy the tiny things around us and watching things like plants just obey God without question -how they reach for the sun (God) but still need water and soil (scripture and friends) but I'm not going to. Plus, you just got the short version right there.

Well, remember that sick kiddo I had a few days ago? Have I ever mentioned how she is great at sharing? Well, she is. So, the momma that was up for taking care of the gardens this morning, a nature hike, a dance party before lunch, and starting another big house project, realized that she had the chills and goosebumps around 3:00 this afternoon even though it was almost 90 degrees and NOW she feels like she's been hit by a truck and has a 101 temp. I'm so glad that I just had K relax while she was feeling yucky - because it IS yucky. Also, about three days or so before she got her fever, she was just totally out of sorts. So, I'm not blaming my rant the other day totally on this illness, but it does help me feel a bit better about how "off" I was.

Instead, I think I'll show you this little guy that we found after I had watered the plants this evening, after some Motrin and after the sun had set. He was just hanging out on the outside of the basement. He was head up but he looks like he's on a sidewalk because I had to adjust my camera settings to (insert camera jargon here) so I needed the wall to steady the camera so it wouldn't turn out blurry - not too bad! The kids loved him! But again, God's creations at work... he warms himself when he needs to and looks for shade when he needs to, I doubt that he questions it at any time. I wish we could all be more like that!

The Big Picture...

So, today was a MUCH better day! It started off last night with going to bed early since I knew I was tired and Jim let me sleep in late this morning. Last night, just moments before I shut my computer, I received a message from one of my friends. She said that she had been thinking of me all day, and checked in to read and knew that her devotion for yesterday was there for her to share with me...

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Of course, it makes perfect sense and was received at just the right time because honestly, I was on the verge of tears just from frustration alone yesterday. She pushed me over the edge with that message but in a good way. So, since the message was received just before bed, I had a lot of time to let the passage and her other words sink in. When I woke this morning this first thing I started thinking, through my foggy brain was really, in the grand scheme of things, my missing Eli and my frustrations right now are like a single grain of sand on all the beaches and the bottom of the oceans of the Earth . Pretty minor - when you look at the big picture. The problem is that I wasn't keeping the big picture in mind yesterday and that's why it felt so overwhelming. So, as Yoda would say "focus on the big picture, I must!" No, I'm not a Star Wars fan but that's for the hubby!

As far as the planning ahead goes, well that's something I will always struggle with. I am a habitual list maker, I like to, ironically, have a vision of what the big picture is... the long term plan... but I tend to only extend that plan to the existence as we know it, that 79.4 years - give or take - that we have on this Earth... that's NOT the big picture. Yes, I understand that I'm being tested in a way. I have even come to accept it but that doesn't mean that enjoy that part of this journey. I should start embracing it though. I know that things always work out in the end.

Overcast and Rainy...

That's the weather. That's my mood. I don't like when I get like this because I'm really trying hard to look at the bright side, be optimistic, stand in the sun. Right now, I cannot even see the sun to go stand in it, literally and kind of figuratively. Obscure? Yes, maybe. Not so obscure... I hate dealing with my body. It is ridiculously consistent if it's anything and that consistency is in the fact that it's totally unpredictable. (read it again, it makes sense)

I have to step away from those feelings because I know it's not "right" to be angry about it and I know that God will provide in His time. At the same time, it's very frustrating. I've referred to it before as "reproductive purgatory" and that's exactly what it feels like. I am having a very hard time moving forward and dealing with whatever comes my way because nothing is coming my way. I feel like a hamster on one of those wheels running and running and running yet getting no where and when I slow down, I get whipped around and tossed aside just to get back up and start running again. Ugh, anyway, I hope I'll be able to get a little closer to Him - I obviously need that.

I'm still having to adjust my thinking. I had four months to make plans and have had less than three to adjust them to our new situation so I still have moments when I think about how great plan A is and realize that that's just not going to work, we're on to plan B. One example, pre-school for Karleigh... plan A was that Jim would take her 3 days a week on his way to work, I would pick her up. That was a great plan, not THAT much extra gas since he would already be headed that way. Well, now there's no need to purchase a van and he can't take her in the truck so that's 120+ miles on the car every week with gas headed towards $5/gallon! We wouldn't have had to get Rylan up early, but now we will which means his nap time will shift and fall just about the time I need to go pick her up and he'll fall asleep in the car so nap times will be messed up (now I do totally realize how pessimistic I'm sounding right now, don't get me wrong) I won't take pre-school away from her. She wants to go, we told her yes and she's looking forward to going and making new friends. Anyway, so today not only am I feeling like a failure for not being able to bring Eli into this world alive, I feel like I'm wrecking our financial plan, bad about the promises that I made to my daughter, oh, the list could go on but I won't go into it any more. Ack!

So, I have apparently not completely made it to the warm, sandy shore. I was feeling good for about two weeks there and was hoping that the tide had loosened it's grips but I'm back in it. I'm going to go ahead and let it take me for awhile but I'll keep my focus on the shore and hopefully be back there again soon.

Not so Bad...

So, yesterday (Mother's Day) wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. I didn't set out with any preconceived notions about what it would feel like, perhaps that helped. I didn't really think I'd be curled up "cursing" the hand I'd been dealt. I didn't think I'd be feeling sky high since I knew that I'd be aware of some of my sadness, partly due to the fact that it wasn't going to be the day that I had envisioned. It was a fine day.

Much of the day was spent cuddling on the couch with the kids. K is still feeling very under the weather and slept much of the day. R started acting "off" last night so I'm supposing that he's going to start to come down with the yuck that K has. On the upside it provides for lots of cuddle requests...

as long as the cuddling doesn't take place during an important part of a movie...

Yes, I was aware of missing Eli but it is what it is and there's nothing that I can do to change it. All that I can do is roll with the punches and make the best of what I do have which is pretty good!

Ingredients...

Ingredients for a good day:

• sleeping in


• being woken by K & R bearing Mother's Day cards


• seeing K's name printed perfectly inside the card she chose


• being told by R to "'urry up... 'uh mon!"


• being greeted by Starbucks on the dining room table


• being given a pretty pink hanging geranium (all I asked for was a hanging basket since I was considering the living room furniture a gift as well)


• so far not a single sibling squabble


• getting ready to take a bath - by. my. self!

... and it isn't even noon yet! We won't talk about the weather and how it just started hailing. And, I'm not sure I want to talk about the fact that by Thursday, it's supposed to be 95! That'll put our bodies and our garden into shock... I just checked and right now it's about 40.

Happy Mother's Day to the mommies with babies here, the mommies with babies watching down on them from Heaven and the mommies with babies waiting to join them and make them mommies...

Hummm....

I was/am curious about how I'm going to feel this weekend. I can tell I'm getting kind of "edgy" and that's not really a good thing. I am not too surprised though. I do have my two little crazies but at the same time that makes me more acutely aware of missing Eli. I find it interesting and totally aggravating when someone means well and will say something like 'well at least you have the two you have...' these well meaning people probably have never had to make cremation or funeral arrangements for a child that is no longer with them or they would realize that really, that's a totally asinine statement to make. It would be like me saying to someone who just buried their mother 'yah, but at least your dad is alive...' true statement, but it sure doesn't lessen the sting of the loss. I don't know, that's just kind of the way I'm feeling this evening. It doesn't help that the weather is not going to cooperate at all this weekend so our yard is beginning to meld with the fields and I'm not going to be able to just sit out in the yard next to Eli's garden and enjoy ourselves as our family minus one - which was the only thing I had planned for tomorrow.


K and R do certainly keep me laughing and for that I AM very grateful... Seriously, who could resist these faces?

But, now I am going to go spend some time with the family and eat some chocolate Hostess cupcakes!

Bad Bananas Gone Good...

God can take a day that could have ended up looking like this poor banana...

And turn it into a day that looks like these yummy banana milkshakes!

Score one for God and score a little one for me too. My kids are blown away by the fact that I could take something that looked so "yucky!" and turn it in to something so yummy! But I was cool like that, even if for just a moment. I received bonus points for adding the sprinkles in the pink cup for K and "HAWK-lit" sprinkles for R.

God, on the other hand is pretty awesome but we already knew that. Now, don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with this day... that disaster was avoided but it could have been really difficult.

This evening Jim had a softball game and I rushed the kids out the door so we wouldn't be late. I stopped at the mail box and there was a lovely little package there from a woman from R's "birth board". For those of you who don't know, I have made some of the most wonderful friends there on Baby Center... it's weird. A lot of people don't get it, but I do. Anyway, she sent me a wonderful Mother's Day card and a beautiful bracelet. Yes, I opened it while sitting in the car = I have mentioned that lack of patience thing right? As we got closer to civilization, I prayed for a red light so I could put it on before we arrived at the ball park since I rushed out of the house without any of my usual jewelry except for my wedding ring and earrings which I always wear.



When we arrived, we were met in the parking lot by a family on the team. We've known them since I was pregnant with K but a year ago they had a baby boy and this was the first time I had seen him. I had also completely forgotten that they call him Eli... as I recall his first name is Elias but he now clearly goes by Eli. I began to remember this little fact as we pulled into the driveway but I began to question my memory and thought that maybe my brain was making something out of nothing. As I put on my best 'happy face' to introduce the kids, I found myself grabbing my wrist every time his mom said his name. It was the most bizarre thing. At the same time it was comforting to hear his name over and over and over again, yet it also felt like a dagger through my heart each and every time. I was hoping that K wouldn't say anything - she did look at me for a moment but just let it go - phew. Anyway, tonight this bracelet was a total sanity saver by helping to keep me focused. It was really tough not to get weepy while watching R be the big boy with their little Eli, sharing, talking to, rubbing his arm when he got upset... THAT is exactly why I get sad about losing our Eli... it's the things that he would have added to our family that I feel cheated out of. However, God always puts the right people in our lives at just the right time.


Not only is this woman very thoughtful but she is the type of friend who gets me... in her card was this verse:

John 16:22

You have pain now; but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice and no one will take your joy from you.

The verse is actually Jesus speaking to his Disciples, prior to being sentenced to his crucifixion, but is holds so true for anyone who believes and the fact that He did die on the cross makes the verse ring true for all of us. Thank you.

A Second Post!?!

I was blog wandering again and came across this list that I will have to admit, I've never seen before! I thought it was pretty funny... not sure if it's just because it's been one of those days but I thought I'd share since I know many of you who read this have some sort of tie to the PNW. Enjoy!

The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)... actually, it's the Rhododendron... full disclosure, this was last May - you know, when everything wasn't a month behind because of all the snow!

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement 'sun break' and know what it means. ...we are currently experiencing one right now!

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee. ... and you make your daughter happy by referring to her drink as "pink coffee"

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the 'WALK' signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain. ...taken from our driveway circa 1980

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Tully's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette. ...and now you have the "Do the Puyallup!" jingle stuck in your head.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days. ...and your kids get concerned for daddy's job when he starts coming home and it's still light out.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by 'Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,' and 'Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers.'

17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover. ...and so can your two year old.

20. You notice, 'The mountain is out' when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours. ... yup, my parents live 2 1/2 hours away, I have no idea how many miles that is.

27. You often switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' in the same day. ...that is if you are in the minority and have a/c.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat. ... or over 3 layers of footy jammies

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, (Winter), Still Raining (Spring), Road
Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

Like a Tree...

Jeremiah 17:7,8

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."



Clearly this is the reason that I have been able to walk this walk with very little bitterness and anger. I cannot imagine any other way - and I don't need to, I know. It's pure and simple and so much easier than without Him. I have found that, just like the scripture above states, I find myself reaching for the "water" and the "sun" and when I do I become stronger and more deeply rooted. It's very comforting.



My days aren't all sunshine and lollipops and feathering my nest with pretty little things while having deep spiritual healing but all things are easier because of Him. Today is a perfect example of a normal day:

• Little Miss is "sick as a puppy" in her words, stuffy, croupy, feverish and basically permanently attached to the sofa for the last 48 hours


• 70 year old neighbor lady stopped by to invite me to a community club meeting at her house tomorrow (won't be going - see above), to chat about new neighbors who have two young children and then rapidly began asking questions about when/if we're going to log, if the new survey markers are "ours", etc. etc. Told her I had no clue as the county can't seem to get the forest land/agriculture/what ever it is, paperwork right at this point. Conversation is crazy difficult as she's VERY hard of hearing - I'm still in my pj pants and a sweatshirt, she's already been down to the old school house to weed!


• Little R has a wicked arm (good), uses it to throw toys at sick sisters head (bad) and rarely misses (really bad)


• Little fluffy cat brought 'token of love' and I have no idea what kind of rodent it is... but you can bet I took a picture - discovered rodent on sidewalk when said neighbor had to step over it. She thought it looked like a mole - it's so not a mole, it looks to me more like a small ferret (not kidding) UPDATE: after calling my dad and sitting in front of Google images, I determined that the rodent was not a rodent after all... it was a WEASEL!!!


• Received the parts for the lawnmower which needed to be fixed - yay! Realized that I only ordered enough parts for ONE side - boo!

So, you see, there is a great deal of "normal" that occurs here but trust me, you don't want me to write about every time that we find a weird animal on this property, I have to answer the door in my pajamas or I have a sick kiddo... or maybe you DO because even when sick, they're awfully cute. It was quite nice to see a smile a bit ago. K didn't even hang around and chat when the neighbor stopped by today - that will tell anyone who knows her, how yucky she feels.

Anyway, it's all manageable when you're like a tree planted by the water...

Less Word Wednesday...

I cannot begin to describe how I feel when I look at these two photos.

To you (aside from the forced smiles in the second photo), they may not look all that different. However, to me, they are of two incredibly different people (ok, duh, they are photos of two different people - Jim and me - but I think you know what I mean)... the first one was taken last year on Mother's Day. The second was earlier today. It's really strange, the difference that a year can make in your life. I guess, what I'm trying to say is I really miss the happy, care-free, clueless person in the first photo. I'm sure I'll find a way back to someone close to who I used to be, but I will never be that person again. - side note, I am impressed with how much my hair has grown in two months *smile* oh and by the way, Jim is impressed and feeling very privileged to now be a part of the blog in more than a shot of his hand or the side of his head - apparently he was feeling left out *snort* poor guy... that's my hubby!

Be Still...

Too many times during the day, even during the night, my head is racing. As I sat down to actually write something about "good bones... blah, blah, blah" Psalm 46:10 washed over me. "Be still and know that I am God..." So, tonight my fingers, mouth and I are being still and will just share the lyrics to a Steven Curtis Chapman song and will add a YouTube video if you would prefer it that way (don't forget to pause the play list to your right first).



Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still, O restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that he has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still

Be Still, and know that He is God
Be Still, and know that He is God
Be Still, and know that He is God

Be Still; Be speechless

Be still and know that he is God
Be still and know he is our Father
Come rest your head upon his breast
Listen to the rhythm of his unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still, Be still

Manic Monday...

Yikes! It's late again and I'm just now sitting down to gather my thoughts... and I don't really seem to have any!!! Today has been another day of house work and home improvements. The weather was beautiful and just an all around good day again. I'm so loving that the days are getting brighter and easier. I was driving home from a trip into Portland today and I realized that something that was so easy today, would have felt nearly impossible just a few short weeks ago - just getting the kids ready, getting in the car and going would have been a really huge task. Today I accomplished that task without hardly batting an eye. It feels really nice to have turned that corner.

Part of me does wonder if all of this energy is really "nervous energy" and just another way to avoid my emotions but I'm thinking that's not the case. I think I've done a pretty decent job dealing with my emotions and I'm coming to terms with the fact that they're not always going to be as raw and as fresh. It's so relieving to feel the grips loosening but at the same time it's kind of sad to know that I'm moving past the intense part of missing and grieving Eli.

Finally, I thought I'd "show off" what that "nervous grief nesting energy" managed to produce over the weekend... it's oh, so cozy and wonderful to feel good about my surroudings!

Weird?

Is it strange that I'm really feeling good? Not ok, but good! Of course it's not a far stretch from Good to God and I'm thinking that's a great thing and much of the reason why I'm feeling so good. Perhaps I'm still on that "high" from 'stimulating the economy' this weekend and knowing that it was done with cash... just doing my patriotic duty after all - but I think it's more than that. I've felt an extreme amount of peace (even without understanding) over the last week or so. The dip that I expected last week wasn't nearly as deep and the highs are also getting higher. It feels really comfortable getting back to someone who is familiar to me.

I know that there are going to be times when I'm struck, out of the blue, by sadness and longing and missing Eli terribly, but it doesn't consume me every hour of every day anymore. It is such a relief to feel the peace. I sure do miss the "could have beens" but I'm also really trying my best to enjoy the "ares" and I think it's working out pretty well.

I really am thinking that the dream I had the other night was a huge release - my brain and God telling me "hey, it's ok to move on, to heal and get on with things". I have shifted from thinking that I'm doing a disservice to Eli's memory when I'm enjoying life and daily activities to realizing that I'm harming his memory by NOT enjoying myself. I have to believe that he would not want me to be upset and sad and moping around for the rest of my life.

Welcome to Holland...

It's late and I'm still working on "nesting" my living room but I refuse to miss a day posting! I decided why not add a little international flair to today?! We dropped a bucket of good ol' American cash at fabulous Swedish IKEA, where we also ate dinner, so why not add the "Welcome to Holland" story that many have ready before.

I first came across this when we were faced with a positive AFP screen when I was pregnant with little R. I spent way too much time reading message boards for "special needs" children for weeks after that. I have always read the following in that context. However, someone brought it up and how it can also relate to grief and it really does!

Welcome to Holland

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.


After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”


“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”


But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.


So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.


It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.


But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”


The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.


But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.

Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990

Prayer Request...

Today I'm not going to do a "me" entry. I've had one of those very varied days... high highs and low lows. However I just found out that my worries and lows are very trivial compared to those of a couple of friends that I have.

Liz, who I mentioned in earlier posts - runs A Small Victory, helped me through the process of what to expect when I delivered Eli - just discovered that her 2 1/2 year old son, Phoenix has a 95% chance of having Hodgkin's but won't have a certain diagnosis until the 15th when they do a biopsy. They have also been dealing with very high blood sugars and were looking at a pre-type one diabetes diagnosis. I do not know if these two are related or not.

Another friend, Melanie, just received word that her brother-in-law (her sisters husband) Dave WILL be taken from his family from cancer as well. They are turning off the machines so that he may go in peace.

Please hold these families in your prayers. It seems like one of those days where I should look out the window and see gray skies and rain but I don't. It's sunny and breezy and beautiful out but my heart is breaking inside for these two families that have already been through so much.

I'm not sure where today's post is going to lead me, maybe no where and I'm ok with that! First things first, thanks for the comments and emails on my thrifty shopping (before you laugh, I see there's only one comment here but on my message boards there are more, I promise!) I figured that instead of keeping you in suspense ... yah, as I'm so sure you just raced over here to see my little $5 bird cage! Anyway... here it is!

I think it turned out pretty cute and that's all that matters, right? Total cost for this was about $6 since I had to buy a can of white spray paint but I had everything else already here at home.

I'm not fully understanding this grief nesting that I'm going through. It is certainly deeper than with my previous losses. Of course, those didn't have names or faces that I got to see - that could have something to do with it. At any rate, at least this isn't destructive behavior. I'm sure much of it also has to do with the fact that it gives me a sense of control, control that I didn't have over my body or Eli's life. It also gives me a comfortable place to land and it's important to enjoy the things that surround you when you are surrounded by them 24/7. I think it also gives me something else to focus on beyond my emotions. I need a break from those emotions every once in a while. So, it may sound odd, but the feathering of my nest is actually helping!

Which brings me to another really strange, totally unrelated thought about a dream that I had two nights ago. I shared it with some of my friends already but I thought I'd share it here too and see if anyone here has any idea as to what it means. I have a few thoughts of what it may mean but here it goes:

I dreamt that we [my family and I] were at an "odd" read: dark, 70's indoor outdoor type carpeting, poor lighting etc. but fun church and I looked down and realized that I still had my hospital bracelet on and my hep-lock in my wrist (which let me tell you is not a very comfortable place). The pews in the church weren't pews but instead very nice, long, white down filled sofas. Two army guys came in and I remembered something I always wanted to do so I thanked the guy sitting next to me for his service and he looked at me like he had a third eye so I stammered and said, "well, I assumed from your jacket (he was wearing the new digital camo)..." He laughed and said he was just messing with me and "thank you... or you're welcome" Then he looked down at my arm and noticed the hep lock and that my skin was starting to heal around it. I asked him if he would just go ahead and take it out... so I looked away and he did, but it hurt! As soon as it was out I felt a ton better and then clipped the hospital bracelet off myself. Then there was some gathering around, Jim finally came and sat back down (the kids had been jumping on the pews/couches) and the service started.... weird dream huh?

Any ideas? I have my own thoughts along the lines of maybe it was my subconscious/God telling me that it's ok to 'let go' of it but I don't know. I've never been one who interprets dreams and rarely do I have weird dreams like that. Generally they're dreams like last night where I'm rearranging picture frames or something like that. This one was far more memorable and has obviously left an impression.

So, as I suspected this entry ended up about a thousand miles from where I thought it might but that's ok. Right?