That's the weather. That's my mood. I don't like when I get like this because I'm really trying hard to look at the bright side, be optimistic, stand in the sun. Right now, I cannot even see the sun to go stand in it, literally and kind of figuratively. Obscure? Yes, maybe. Not so obscure... I hate dealing with my body. It is ridiculously consistent if it's anything and that consistency is in the fact that it's totally unpredictable. (read it again, it makes sense)
I have to step away from those feelings because I know it's not "right" to be angry about it and I know that God will provide in His time. At the same time, it's very frustrating. I've referred to it before as "reproductive purgatory" and that's exactly what it feels like. I am having a very hard time moving forward and dealing with whatever comes my way because nothing is coming my way. I feel like a hamster on one of those wheels running and running and running yet getting no where and when I slow down, I get whipped around and tossed aside just to get back up and start running again. Ugh, anyway, I hope I'll be able to get a little closer to Him - I obviously need that.
I'm still having to adjust my thinking. I had four months to make plans and have had less than three to adjust them to our new situation so I still have moments when I think about how great plan A is and realize that that's just not going to work, we're on to plan B. One example, pre-school for Karleigh... plan A was that Jim would take her 3 days a week on his way to work, I would pick her up. That was a great plan, not THAT much extra gas since he would already be headed that way. Well, now there's no need to purchase a van and he can't take her in the truck so that's 120+ miles on the car every week with gas headed towards $5/gallon! We wouldn't have had to get Rylan up early, but now we will which means his nap time will shift and fall just about the time I need to go pick her up and he'll fall asleep in the car so nap times will be messed up (now I do totally realize how pessimistic I'm sounding right now, don't get me wrong) I won't take pre-school away from her. She wants to go, we told her yes and she's looking forward to going and making new friends. Anyway, so today not only am I feeling like a failure for not being able to bring Eli into this world alive, I feel like I'm wrecking our financial plan, bad about the promises that I made to my daughter, oh, the list could go on but I won't go into it any more. Ack!
So, I have apparently not completely made it to the warm, sandy shore. I was feeling good for about two weeks there and was hoping that the tide had loosened it's grips but I'm back in it. I'm going to go ahead and let it take me for awhile but I'll keep my focus on the shore and hopefully be back there again soon.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
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3 comments:
Kristi--I was wandering around and felt that I wanted to read your blog to see just what was going on with you. I noticed you were extremely down yesterday and wanted to see if I could help in any way. I am a talker and a writer so it usually helps me to have someone to bounce ideas however pesimistic off.
I know how it is, when it rains it pours, literally and figuratively. You start having one negative thought and it just escalates into 500 negative thoughts. It seems to me that your financial worries are COMPLETELY NORMAL:) I too am scared of the rising gas prices, but like you said, you're doing this for your daughter. And if it's a financial sacrifice, you're probably going to do it anyway because you'd do anything for her and her happiness. Am I right? I'm not a parent yet, but I imagine that that's how it goes.
I know you are SO strong, so whatever obstacle you'll get over it. Look what you've already been through and conquered? It's not easy, but I know you can do it.
Because of your positive spirit and faith, I just KNOW your body is going to get in gear here soon and lead you to another child. I have a strong faith in the Lord and even though we sometimes are led to other paths and through hardships, God will lead us back to OUR plan. That's my belief. And sometimes it makes me mad that I can't have "the plan" right now when I want it, but that's just another lesson we have to learn in patience.
I am thinking of you and praying for you. Just know how much of a rock you've been for me these past few weeks. It's nice to have friends!
And I'm excited to meet you this summer for a nice cup of coffee and a chat. :) Take care of yourself!
Solveig :)
Its so understandable to worry about finances! I think its good that you do, not a lot of people do and they get into too much trouble. Its such a fine line. You have to and want to spend to enjoy life but you want to watch as you don't want to get in a hole. Its about finding balance. And I think from what I see, that you are good at it and everything will, yes, as you posted yesterday, work out in the end.
Hugs my friend, it will all work out and things will be ok. Thinking of you.
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