My friend, Liz posted a cute little haiku generator on her blog earlier today so I thought "why not!?" This? is why not...
It basically scans for syllables and then takes snippets from your posts and puts them together. *sigh* Good grief. Apparently there are still a "few" things that need to be worked through. I would like to go back to this in a few weeks and have it be some goofy toothless decorating and gardening haiku.
Which brings me to my crazy moment from this morning...
Rylan has his daddy's knack for getting up, bright eyed and bushy-tailed far before I'm ready. Since Jim goes into work earlier than normal on Saturday, Rylan often ends up in bed with me. This morning was no exception to the rule and I was still in a deep sleep, dreaming about what? I don't remember but I do, unfortunately remember waking up just enough to say "Lie back down, Collin..." What!? Where did that come from? I heard a little three-year-old "huh!?" I said, "Rylan, lie back down..." "ok mom". Man. That managed to set me sideways for the rest of the day. Makes me wonder what I was dreaming about...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Too Many Shades of Gray
I obviously have too much time on my hands... or thoughts in my head. I've been analyzing and re-analyzing and looking for arguments against or for the stance that I have taken on the grief issue, that somehow got meshed in with the loss terms issue, that somehow came from somewhere else??? And even more fun? It's a debate that I'm having with myself.
While I stand by my blanket statement that a loss is a loss, it's really not that simple.
Grief is not black and white.
There are so many shades of gray that it can make your head spin trying to determine bottom from top. It's not something that can or should be argued and debated because grief is a very personal emotion.
It's an emotion that ebbs and flows.
It gives you a break some days and other days breaks you.
Sometimes stuffable and sometimes unstoppable.
It's such a contradictory emotion in and of itself.
I just can't look at one story vs. another and compare the two. Although I know many people do, especially women and dare I say it, there in lies much of the "problem". It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up when people try to down-play my losses (plural, very plural) because of a label they have given them. I would probably offend a full-term loss mom if I told her that I know how she feels, or a SIDS mom, or the mother of a teenager shot in a random act of violence. I don't know. But I also don't know how the mom who had a blighted ovum diagnosed at 8 weeks after IVF feels. It's not just about how long the child was with you, or how long you carried the baby, or how you birthed the baby whether by choice or not, or how many times you've had failed pregnancies or how long it took to get to the point of getting pregnant just to have the child die. The only person who can speak to the intensity of their loss is the person going through it. I think that just like people have different physical pain thresholds, they have different emotional pain thresholds.
Anyway, I had a much better grasp on what I was thinking while I was doing dishes earlier. Now, not so much. It sounded much more lucid in my head at the time. Maybe that means I should go finish them. Hum, maybe I'll look through the EOB's (explanation of benefits) that Jim just handed me, from my primary insurance company first... so far, $2,467.00 before insurance for surgery. Not bad. Even better? Double insurance.
As I was cruising the Internet this afternoon (not neglecting my children, they were napping) I came across this short excerpt from a book that speaks to the impact that loss, at any stage of pregnancy, has on a mother:
“A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, and so people imagine that a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.”
-Barbara Kingsolver “Animal Dreams”
While I stand by my blanket statement that a loss is a loss, it's really not that simple.
Grief is not black and white.
There are so many shades of gray that it can make your head spin trying to determine bottom from top. It's not something that can or should be argued and debated because grief is a very personal emotion.
It's an emotion that ebbs and flows.
It gives you a break some days and other days breaks you.
Sometimes stuffable and sometimes unstoppable.
It's such a contradictory emotion in and of itself.
I just can't look at one story vs. another and compare the two. Although I know many people do, especially women and dare I say it, there in lies much of the "problem". It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up when people try to down-play my losses (plural, very plural) because of a label they have given them. I would probably offend a full-term loss mom if I told her that I know how she feels, or a SIDS mom, or the mother of a teenager shot in a random act of violence. I don't know. But I also don't know how the mom who had a blighted ovum diagnosed at 8 weeks after IVF feels. It's not just about how long the child was with you, or how long you carried the baby, or how you birthed the baby whether by choice or not, or how many times you've had failed pregnancies or how long it took to get to the point of getting pregnant just to have the child die. The only person who can speak to the intensity of their loss is the person going through it. I think that just like people have different physical pain thresholds, they have different emotional pain thresholds.
Anyway, I had a much better grasp on what I was thinking while I was doing dishes earlier. Now, not so much. It sounded much more lucid in my head at the time. Maybe that means I should go finish them. Hum, maybe I'll look through the EOB's (explanation of benefits) that Jim just handed me, from my primary insurance company first... so far, $2,467.00 before insurance for surgery. Not bad. Even better? Double insurance.
As I was cruising the Internet this afternoon (not neglecting my children, they were napping) I came across this short excerpt from a book that speaks to the impact that loss, at any stage of pregnancy, has on a mother:
“A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, and so people imagine that a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.”
-Barbara Kingsolver “Animal Dreams”
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Random Thoughts
I have had such a flood of random thoughts over the last few days. Many, likely, increased by breathing in paint fumes for most of the day and the having a lot of time with my thoughts. But I will say, Karleigh's room looks so clean and calm with the new color on the walls. Anyway, I guess there's still a lot more healing that needs to happen on my part. I'm still feeling particularly edgy which really isn't all that fun at all. And scatterbrained. And the drive to finish something, anything, is taking over me. I know, just like last year, it's all about control.
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Every time I turn around these days, it seems like someone else is announcing a pregnancy, a new baby, or two... or eight. Really? Eight? at once. Now, please don't take that the wrong way. I do not begrudge anyone a happy, healthy pregnancy. I would like one sometime again. It just stings my heart to watch nearly everyone moving forward with their lives while I'm living this surreal Groundhog's Day scene where I can't move forward. I can't believe that I was so naive to think that I wouldn't lose another pregnancy after Eli, let alone four. My blog address came from the blind faith that I would be blessed with a rainbow baby. A living rainbow baby. In a moment of desperation the other night, I actually prayed that we not conceive again if we're not to have a third child. I know there's no bargaining with God. Believe me. I know.
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Did you know it's just about impossible to find anything, in a regular brick and mortar store, to remember your baby? I went to town the other day with the hopes of gathering together a few things and a memory box for Collin and I couldn't find anything that I liked. Are you actually supposed to "like" anything like that? I came out of the store feeling totally defeated. Of course, I had the kids with me so I'm sure that distracted me a bit but it was really hard to find anything. If it was the right style, it was the wrong size. If it was the right size, it was an odd style. I know that I can pull something together but I was kind of hoping to get a few things and then get it all put away so I don't have to see the hospital bracelets, pregnancy tests, and Clomid bottles in the bathroom. Or the sonogram photos, the pocket calender with all the info and dates and appointment cards on the desk. They all need a place.
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There's been some discussion in Deadbabymommaland about pregnancy loss terms. These terms have been like nails on a chalkboard to me, for years now. I don't even know why labels are necessary. A hole is a hole. Round, square, deep, shallow, doesn't matter it's still a hole.There have been discussions about how miscarriages are easier to handle than stillbirths. I have friends who have all sorts of different experiences and I don't want to offend anyone at all but come on! Really? It gets into a whole messy situation since emotions and feelings and belief systems are involved. It's not black and white like that. At x number of weeks, you don't all of a sudden get a step up on the intensity of loss or right to grieve. There are women who at 22 weeks who have chosen to surgically terminate a pregnancy (viable or not) and they "get" to use the term stillbirth yet they never actually gave birth to their child - never held him - never looked at him - never had to physically hand him back to a nurse who would take his body to a cooler until the autopsy was complete and the funeral home picked him up. Yet I? Have "just" had miscarriages even though 3 times out of 7 my body chose not to miscarry my babies. Interesting to think about yet totally pointless to debate.
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I make people uncomfortable. Ok, well, maybe not me but my dead babies, er, miscarriages, er, losses. Whatever. People avoid me and since they don't know what to say, they don't say anything. That part? sucks. Because what more does someone who already feels broken and alone need? How about some more alone-ness! However, I've always been one to focus more on quality than quantity so I need to just let it not bug me. But it's hard. As the wise-beyond-her-years Kaylee said "It's been my experience that grief is a very powerful experience that can either bond you or break you from the people in your life." Luckily, this has not been a breaking point for Jim and me. There are so many who walk this walk of extreme loss and I thank God every day that we are not one of those couples that has polarized during this time. Sadly I sometimes think, 'well, sure we're ok, because this is our normal'.
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Obviously, it's a Thursday. I always find it interesting how my body and brain know the dates even when I try to keep myself blissfully unaware. It's been three weeks since our lives changed again, forever and we really had to say goodbye to Collin. But tomorrow is a new day. I will get up. I will do laundry and clean and do dishes. I'll have a cup of coffee and pick Karleigh up from pre-school. I will take care of my kids. Unfortunately, I'll probably yell more than I should. Then I'll apologize more than necessary. I'm not perfect. I'm not super-mom. I'm human. God made me that way and I'm trying to do the best I can right now.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Under Construction...
Well, I certainly am, but so is my blog! So, please be patient with me over the next few days while I work at getting everything set up the way I want. I have set up a ghost blog just so I can play with the HTML to work on getting it right but then I realized that was not really the smartest thing since if I pasted it over to this, I'd lose everything here. Well, I see that while testing it out, I already managed to lose my blog lists. I'll eventually hunt everyone down again or call you out and ask you to put your blog address in my comments. Ahhh, yes, a template would have been SO much easier. Oh well!
Also, on the construction side of things, I painted Karleigh's ceiling this evening and painted a big swatch of the paint color on her walls. This is where I breathe a sign of relief... the girl. loves. pink. Her room is currently pink. Very pink. Picture bubble gum. When we are done, it will not be pink. It will be a light apple green. And? She's thrilled! She wanted me to do it ALL tonight so she could "feel like a little bug out in the yard!" Cute huh? Apparently she's forgotten that her yard is currently covered in snow.
So, that's about all I've got for tonight... and now you get a sneak peek at something from my new blog layout! (but there won't be a border around it!)
Also, on the construction side of things, I painted Karleigh's ceiling this evening and painted a big swatch of the paint color on her walls. This is where I breathe a sign of relief... the girl. loves. pink. Her room is currently pink. Very pink. Picture bubble gum. When we are done, it will not be pink. It will be a light apple green. And? She's thrilled! She wanted me to do it ALL tonight so she could "feel like a little bug out in the yard!" Cute huh? Apparently she's forgotten that her yard is currently covered in snow.
So, that's about all I've got for tonight... and now you get a sneak peek at something from my new blog layout! (but there won't be a border around it!)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Spreading the Love...
Eeep! I feel loved...
The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."
Cute huh!? Considering I'm feeling particularly "friendless" (in real life, which I suppose could be a post of it's own) these days, this was a really nice award to receive from Holli. Holli was on my birth board with me when I was pregnant with Eli and she was pregnant with Brenna. Her step-daughter and I both have sons born in October of '05 and during a birthday exchange we were paired up with them so Rylan sent gifts to Holli's grandson. Small world huh? I have met life-long friends on-line in fact, I've even blogged about it before and it's great to know that I might have said some thing, any thing, that might have helped someone else.
There are others out there who have done the same for me, so my nominations are, in alphabetical order:
Angela... a sister who is always on my mind and she even posted a new entry today!!! She's a busy momma but not to busy to send me text messages to my inbox (goodness knows she's probably sitting in traffic at the time) that just say "I'm thinking of you!"
Brooke... my "sister" in Australia. We love each other exactly the way we are and she's one of those that I can always turn to late at night since she's up and running!
Kara... she has been a bit quiet on the blogging front but that's because she's trying to experience the true joy of expecting her rainbow baby and I couldn't be happier for her. She constantly checks in with me though and we seem to keep each other grounded in our faith.
Kaylee... she never fails to say just the right words at just the right time. I know that God brought her back into my life to help me through these times.
Lacey... you know I love you and seriously girl... you need to update your blog because I've seen your purse, and that's not the one you're using anymore! Thank you SO much for flying half-way across the globe, at the drop of a hat, to be with me.
Lauren... I know we are constantly in your prayers. Her sweet baby boy was born just weeks after Eli was due. I try not to count though and love his cuteness just for who he is without trying to see where Eli would be.
Liz... because without you and your input, I have no idea what I would have done after Eli's heart stopped.
Shannon... she's had a really rough year grieving the loss of her son, Tristan. Her blog holds raw emotion but even at her most vulnerable, she would find moments to ask how things are going or send me silly or sweet e-mails. I'm wishing that 2009 brings her everything that she could dream for!
I'm not going to run off to your blogs and tag you. If you're reading and you'd like to play along go ahead and snag the stuff at the top and have at it!
And my M to the north, I'd have nominated you too for your wonderful way of making me laugh? every. single. day. But, since you said you're not into blogging for the awards... pssst, go ahead snag it, you know you want to! hehe!
The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."Cute huh!? Considering I'm feeling particularly "friendless" (in real life, which I suppose could be a post of it's own) these days, this was a really nice award to receive from Holli. Holli was on my birth board with me when I was pregnant with Eli and she was pregnant with Brenna. Her step-daughter and I both have sons born in October of '05 and during a birthday exchange we were paired up with them so Rylan sent gifts to Holli's grandson. Small world huh? I have met life-long friends on-line in fact, I've even blogged about it before and it's great to know that I might have said some thing, any thing, that might have helped someone else.
There are others out there who have done the same for me, so my nominations are, in alphabetical order:
Angela... a sister who is always on my mind and she even posted a new entry today!!! She's a busy momma but not to busy to send me text messages to my inbox (goodness knows she's probably sitting in traffic at the time) that just say "I'm thinking of you!"
Brooke... my "sister" in Australia. We love each other exactly the way we are and she's one of those that I can always turn to late at night since she's up and running!
Kara... she has been a bit quiet on the blogging front but that's because she's trying to experience the true joy of expecting her rainbow baby and I couldn't be happier for her. She constantly checks in with me though and we seem to keep each other grounded in our faith.
Kaylee... she never fails to say just the right words at just the right time. I know that God brought her back into my life to help me through these times.
Lacey... you know I love you and seriously girl... you need to update your blog because I've seen your purse, and that's not the one you're using anymore! Thank you SO much for flying half-way across the globe, at the drop of a hat, to be with me.
Lauren... I know we are constantly in your prayers. Her sweet baby boy was born just weeks after Eli was due. I try not to count though and love his cuteness just for who he is without trying to see where Eli would be.
Liz... because without you and your input, I have no idea what I would have done after Eli's heart stopped.
Shannon... she's had a really rough year grieving the loss of her son, Tristan. Her blog holds raw emotion but even at her most vulnerable, she would find moments to ask how things are going or send me silly or sweet e-mails. I'm wishing that 2009 brings her everything that she could dream for!
I'm not going to run off to your blogs and tag you. If you're reading and you'd like to play along go ahead and snag the stuff at the top and have at it!
And my M to the north, I'd have nominated you too for your wonderful way of making me laugh? every. single. day. But, since you said you're not into blogging for the awards... pssst, go ahead snag it, you know you want to! hehe!
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On to other things... snow! We had more of it today. The weather guys said "eh, it'll be a snowy commute but it will warm up by mid-morning." Apparently, they have a different definition of mid-morning than I do. When it came time to think about getting ready to pick Karleigh up from pre-school, the snow was still falling. Hard and fast. So, Jim went ahead and picked her up from school and took her to work with him. They went to Target to pick up some coloring stuff, that little fishing game - you know, the one with the fish that go chomp, chomp, chomp around in a circle?, they ate lunch together and he followed it up with a pink coffee for her. She drew pictures for the gals at the office and was highly offended when I showed up around 3:30. It was finally at that point that I was willing to attempt to get down the hill and into town. I'm very grateful that I didn't try any earlier than that since it was a very nerve wracking drive in. She had a blast today and it was great to have a few extra hours of "Rylan Time".
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday Smile...
Here's the newest smile in our family...
I love the way he looks at her - he thinks she's just so cool!
So, Karleigh has, yet again, a new smile! This most recent one came out last night. I just keep reminding myself that she has a finite number of teeth in her head so we likely won't go bankrupt... I mean, the tooth fairy won't. So, she's now missing the bottom two and the top one. It's hard to get a pic of her bottom teeth and really, she doesn't look all that different from when she lost her top one. That one was a shock! Rylan on the other hand, when he starts losing his teeth, the bottom will be more obvious since when he smiles or just goes about daily life, you notice his bottom teeth where with Karleigh, you notice her top teeth - something I hadn't noticed until recently, or something I just haven't thought about I guess.
That's our new Sunday smile. It will hopefully be a while before any more fall out. The other top one is sort of wiggly but I'm not touching it and neither is she. It wasn't at all wiggly until she and Rylan crashed the day after Christmas. They bonked so hard that she was bleeding around that top tooth so I'm hoping that it will firm back up. I'm actually surprised that it's taken this long for those bottom two to fall out. When she was 2 1/2 she smacked them so hard during gymnastics class. She was running top speed across the spring floor, towards my mom, and she tripped. Normally, she would have gotten right back up but she was in just the right spot that she had almost made it to the end of the raised floor so her chin hit the cement floor while the rest of her body was still about 6 inches above her on the padded floor. I took her to the dentist the next day and they took x-rays, confirmed that there wasn't any major damage and just had me feed her fairly soft foods for the next few days while the gums healed up. I'm impressed that they hung on for another 2 1/2 years!
The only thing that I'm bummed out about is that I never did get her 5 year photo before the bottom teeth fell out. Of course, things have been less than calm around here this past month, so I give myself a pass, but this is the first time in several years that I haven't taken a birthday photo within a day or two of the birthday. On the other hand, it's not like when we were kids and there are only a few decent photos floating around from the times in-between the Sears portraits. I take tons of snapshots every month so I should be able to find something that will work!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Bring In 'Da Funk...
Ahhhh, and there it is.
The funk that I was fearing has arrived. It's more like uber-pms but we all know that I'm not and actually I don't much, thanks to my messed up hormones. I guess that's a blessing. But anyway, I digress as usual. The funk is here. It manifests itself in me being tired, grumpy and easily annoyed while lacking true motivation. The motivation is in my head but when it comes down to actually doing anything, I can't... or don't. Perhaps it's the change coming in the weather but I think I can place blame elsewhere and not just barometric pressure changes. Honestly, I think that I would feel even worse if this all just passed by without phasing me. I mean, who does that? And while I'm not really glad, per say, that I'm in a funk, I think I'd be really concerned if I wasn't.
I know that I need to just get up and keep busy and that will help but at the same time, I know I need to deal with the grief of losing Collin. He was our child. He was supposed to be our Rainbow Baby but for some unknown reason, again, he will not get to live a full life. No keeping us up at all hours of the night, no fighting with his siblings, no holidays, no teenage angst. Anyway, I'm also sure that part of my "issue" is that this was the week that I was really looking forward to. This was the week in my pregnancy with Collin that I was going to surpass my loss date with Eli - Jim's birthday would have been 16 weeks 3 days with Collin. We didn't make it. The best that I can hope for now is that I finally stop spotting by his birthday. It's been over two weeks. I'm more than bored with being reminded of it constantly. My heart already does that.
Also, the grief nesting has officially kicked in again. In an effort to gain some sort of control over things, after we lost Eli I re-did the living room, dining room, our guest room / office and the downstairs bathroom and then moved on to working in the yard for the rest of the summer. The "nesting" this time will have to be focused upstairs in the bedrooms. I've already picked up some things for Karleigh's "new" room and collected others from around the house. She's also helping pick colors, styles and talking about furniture arrangement even though options are very limited in their tiny 1920's bedrooms. It feels like I just painted her room when she moved in from the nursery but she moved right after she turned 18 months old so no surprise that things need to be freshened up after 3 1/2 years! Rylan will not be left out as I've picked up a few things for him and other things also around the place that I'm planning on using in his room. I still need to take down the remaining vintage airplane decorations and replace them with sports items. We have a couple of cool, old wood bats and gloves that have been around here for forever and baseballs from Jim's college days that I want to use, I just need to decide exactly how. But again, I digress. Shocking huh!?
Anyway, the grief is not as mild as I had hoped and that would explain why I've been a bit quiet. Since Lacey left yesterday morning, I've been trying to nap when the kids nap and when they're up I've been trying to stay off of the computer (resolutions, remember!) Jim actually scored two days off in a row and a third one later in the week so hopefully if I'm quiet in the coming days it's because I'm actually accomplishing something and not just thinking about it.
The funk that I was fearing has arrived. It's more like uber-pms but we all know that I'm not and actually I don't much, thanks to my messed up hormones. I guess that's a blessing. But anyway, I digress as usual. The funk is here. It manifests itself in me being tired, grumpy and easily annoyed while lacking true motivation. The motivation is in my head but when it comes down to actually doing anything, I can't... or don't. Perhaps it's the change coming in the weather but I think I can place blame elsewhere and not just barometric pressure changes. Honestly, I think that I would feel even worse if this all just passed by without phasing me. I mean, who does that? And while I'm not really glad, per say, that I'm in a funk, I think I'd be really concerned if I wasn't.
I know that I need to just get up and keep busy and that will help but at the same time, I know I need to deal with the grief of losing Collin. He was our child. He was supposed to be our Rainbow Baby but for some unknown reason, again, he will not get to live a full life. No keeping us up at all hours of the night, no fighting with his siblings, no holidays, no teenage angst. Anyway, I'm also sure that part of my "issue" is that this was the week that I was really looking forward to. This was the week in my pregnancy with Collin that I was going to surpass my loss date with Eli - Jim's birthday would have been 16 weeks 3 days with Collin. We didn't make it. The best that I can hope for now is that I finally stop spotting by his birthday. It's been over two weeks. I'm more than bored with being reminded of it constantly. My heart already does that.
Also, the grief nesting has officially kicked in again. In an effort to gain some sort of control over things, after we lost Eli I re-did the living room, dining room, our guest room / office and the downstairs bathroom and then moved on to working in the yard for the rest of the summer. The "nesting" this time will have to be focused upstairs in the bedrooms. I've already picked up some things for Karleigh's "new" room and collected others from around the house. She's also helping pick colors, styles and talking about furniture arrangement even though options are very limited in their tiny 1920's bedrooms. It feels like I just painted her room when she moved in from the nursery but she moved right after she turned 18 months old so no surprise that things need to be freshened up after 3 1/2 years! Rylan will not be left out as I've picked up a few things for him and other things also around the place that I'm planning on using in his room. I still need to take down the remaining vintage airplane decorations and replace them with sports items. We have a couple of cool, old wood bats and gloves that have been around here for forever and baseballs from Jim's college days that I want to use, I just need to decide exactly how. But again, I digress. Shocking huh!?
Anyway, the grief is not as mild as I had hoped and that would explain why I've been a bit quiet. Since Lacey left yesterday morning, I've been trying to nap when the kids nap and when they're up I've been trying to stay off of the computer (resolutions, remember!) Jim actually scored two days off in a row and a third one later in the week so hopefully if I'm quiet in the coming days it's because I'm actually accomplishing something and not just thinking about it.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Remembering Today...
You might think I'm talking about this presidential inauguration which frankly seems like a joke to me but I'm not... though I might. *note: I'm referring to the inauguration and all the brouhaha that's gone along with it this year, not the president per say. What I'm actually talking about is today is Eli's 11 month anniversary? angelversary? deathaversary?... it's been 11 months since I delivered Eli. It's odd. It feels like a big date because it's the last one until next month which will mark a year. I know that by his one year, I will not be pregnant. No way, no how. I was hoping that would help take the edge off of it and instead I'm no closer to baby number three than I was a year ago and I'm still very much grieving Collin's loss. Good grief.
I suppose all of the events of today are helping to add to my stress today. I know that my opinion is only shared with slightly less than half the voting population but I find it totally annoying the way that the media has been approaching this inauguration. It's not a rock concert. It's not the Superbowl. Barack Obama is not a god. I should not be made to feel like I'm a "bad American" because I didn't go out and buy chips, a taco dip tray and throw a party. I did not even come close to welling up while listening to Obama speak. I was talking with one of my friends earlier today and had mentioned that this doesn't seem like a nation of men, it seems like it's a man of a nation.
And that scares me.
I honestly don't believe that so many other countries throughout the world are praising the outcome of the election because they think that we will be a stronger nation under President Obama. Gosh, I hope I'm wrong though. I hope I'm very, very wrong.
Of course I pray that he successfully leads our country out of the messes that it's currently in but I'm not holding my breath. These messes were not caused by one person, they can not be cleaned up by one person. I can only hope that he doesn't make decisions based on "popular vote" like he's running for Homecoming King and he has the foresight so see that every action and delay of action causes a reaction far beyond what any man (or woman) could predict.
It's not about the color of his skin. He's just as much black as he is white so, it bugs me that there is so much emphasis put on the way he looks. It should be about his plans for the future and the way he leads. Really leads, not this lemming effect that seems to be happening but strong leadership. Leadership that makes people think and discuss and come together on common ground even on the tough issues. Not the kind of leadership that elicits the response of "...because Oprah said so." Anyway, this is not a political blog but it's my blog so I get to say what I want ;) And in simple terms... I am not happy about today. It's a downer for me but it is what it is and I get to deal with all aspects of it and tomorrow will be a new day. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I'd feel the same way towards a woman with the same qualifications being sworn in with her extreme feminist followers, intros from the Pussycat Dolls and Barbra Streisand followed by political commentary breaking down her xx chromosomes. It just seems like a circus as I sit here on the outside of it all and all of the fanfare does not help bridge any gaps, for me. Yikes! Enough of that and save your hate-mail.
Tomorrow will be another day for keeping my mind off of things. Jim has the day off and we're going to hit up Sonic, a movie and hopefully have time to get to the wildlife refuge not far from here. It'll be interesting to see it in the winter as opposed to the summer. The same but different I suppose, much like the rest of my life.
I suppose all of the events of today are helping to add to my stress today. I know that my opinion is only shared with slightly less than half the voting population but I find it totally annoying the way that the media has been approaching this inauguration. It's not a rock concert. It's not the Superbowl. Barack Obama is not a god. I should not be made to feel like I'm a "bad American" because I didn't go out and buy chips, a taco dip tray and throw a party. I did not even come close to welling up while listening to Obama speak. I was talking with one of my friends earlier today and had mentioned that this doesn't seem like a nation of men, it seems like it's a man of a nation.
And that scares me.
I honestly don't believe that so many other countries throughout the world are praising the outcome of the election because they think that we will be a stronger nation under President Obama. Gosh, I hope I'm wrong though. I hope I'm very, very wrong.
Of course I pray that he successfully leads our country out of the messes that it's currently in but I'm not holding my breath. These messes were not caused by one person, they can not be cleaned up by one person. I can only hope that he doesn't make decisions based on "popular vote" like he's running for Homecoming King and he has the foresight so see that every action and delay of action causes a reaction far beyond what any man (or woman) could predict.
It's not about the color of his skin. He's just as much black as he is white so, it bugs me that there is so much emphasis put on the way he looks. It should be about his plans for the future and the way he leads. Really leads, not this lemming effect that seems to be happening but strong leadership. Leadership that makes people think and discuss and come together on common ground even on the tough issues. Not the kind of leadership that elicits the response of "...because Oprah said so." Anyway, this is not a political blog but it's my blog so I get to say what I want ;) And in simple terms... I am not happy about today. It's a downer for me but it is what it is and I get to deal with all aspects of it and tomorrow will be a new day. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I'd feel the same way towards a woman with the same qualifications being sworn in with her extreme feminist followers, intros from the Pussycat Dolls and Barbra Streisand followed by political commentary breaking down her xx chromosomes. It just seems like a circus as I sit here on the outside of it all and all of the fanfare does not help bridge any gaps, for me. Yikes! Enough of that and save your hate-mail.
Tomorrow will be another day for keeping my mind off of things. Jim has the day off and we're going to hit up Sonic, a movie and hopefully have time to get to the wildlife refuge not far from here. It'll be interesting to see it in the winter as opposed to the summer. The same but different I suppose, much like the rest of my life.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Weekend Recap...
It's been a few days! My sister in law is still here, in fact, we just got home from watching a chick flick at the theatre. Bride Wars - very cute movie actually. I have no idea the last time that I went to a movie with another girl so it was really great to do something out of the ordinary yet have it be so... ordinary and dare I say? normal.
The last few days my body has been reminding me that this is still a very fresh emotional and physical wound but it's nice to be able to take my mind off of it by getting out of the house and doing things that I wouldn't normally do without the extra motivation that has been visiting for the last week. I was pretty excited that I seemed to be healing up really quickly but again, like times in the past after a couple good days, my body slips back. Like it's saying "hey, you glad to be back to normal? --- psych!!!" Well, at least I'm used to it. I will eventually have to heal up physically. Emotionally? With time, things will get better too but I'm not sure when since this just seems to be like a carousel ride... ups and downs, round and round... seeing the same thing over and over just from a slightly different vantage point each time.
Saturday, we took a drive out to the waterfalls that we visited during the train tour for Rylan's birthday. I was planning on taking some photos but down by the water it was pretty dark and we couldn't get across the river with the bridge that we had used in October because they swing it aside to keep it from getting damaged by logs when the water is raging.
It's ok though, we took a few and then took a drive instead. It was a great little day that ended with this:
... and with a cute movie and a bottle of wine.
Sunday, we braved the beautiful, chilly weather and we all went to the zoo. It's always nice to see the zoo in a different light than the normal hot summer days that we're used to. The African animals were all inside because of the weather but that was ok, it was getting cold and Rylan started having a rough time. Between too hot hot cocoa and falling down the stairs - as in flipping heels over head, straight as a board - he was done. We did get to enjoy the newer northwest display which the kids loved! So, here's a load of photos from the zoo. See if you can spot the other little exciting change...
Alrighty! Here's a closer shot of the exciting little change... just before we left for the zoo, auntie Lacey helped Karleigh pull her (technically) third tooth! So now she's missing a top and a bottom. The second bottom tooth is also very loose so it looks like it's going to be apple sauce instead of whole apples for a while! The tooth fairy decided to bring a Sacajawea dollar and an English pound this time. That tooth fairy is one smart cookie!
After we left the zoo we drove up to the rose garden to sneak a peek at the city as the sun was getting ready to set behind us. Why don't we do things like this when they're right in our backyard? Why is it that we always wait until we have guests to take in the local attractions? Maybe that should be another one of my resolutions! Look at what I'm missing out on!
The last few days my body has been reminding me that this is still a very fresh emotional and physical wound but it's nice to be able to take my mind off of it by getting out of the house and doing things that I wouldn't normally do without the extra motivation that has been visiting for the last week. I was pretty excited that I seemed to be healing up really quickly but again, like times in the past after a couple good days, my body slips back. Like it's saying "hey, you glad to be back to normal? --- psych!!!" Well, at least I'm used to it. I will eventually have to heal up physically. Emotionally? With time, things will get better too but I'm not sure when since this just seems to be like a carousel ride... ups and downs, round and round... seeing the same thing over and over just from a slightly different vantage point each time.
Saturday, we took a drive out to the waterfalls that we visited during the train tour for Rylan's birthday. I was planning on taking some photos but down by the water it was pretty dark and we couldn't get across the river with the bridge that we had used in October because they swing it aside to keep it from getting damaged by logs when the water is raging.
It's ok though, we took a few and then took a drive instead. It was a great little day that ended with this:... and with a cute movie and a bottle of wine.Sunday, we braved the beautiful, chilly weather and we all went to the zoo. It's always nice to see the zoo in a different light than the normal hot summer days that we're used to. The African animals were all inside because of the weather but that was ok, it was getting cold and Rylan started having a rough time. Between too hot hot cocoa and falling down the stairs - as in flipping heels over head, straight as a board - he was done. We did get to enjoy the newer northwest display which the kids loved! So, here's a load of photos from the zoo. See if you can spot the other little exciting change...
Alrighty! Here's a closer shot of the exciting little change... just before we left for the zoo, auntie Lacey helped Karleigh pull her (technically) third tooth! So now she's missing a top and a bottom. The second bottom tooth is also very loose so it looks like it's going to be apple sauce instead of whole apples for a while! The tooth fairy decided to bring a Sacajawea dollar and an English pound this time. That tooth fairy is one smart cookie!
After we left the zoo we drove up to the rose garden to sneak a peek at the city as the sun was getting ready to set behind us. Why don't we do things like this when they're right in our backyard? Why is it that we always wait until we have guests to take in the local attractions? Maybe that should be another one of my resolutions! Look at what I'm missing out on!
Friday, January 16, 2009
What I Expected...
I had my follow up with my OB today. As usual, he was his concerned yet 'chill' self. I didn't have any major physical concerns so that made the appointment pretty quick. I asked about the bruise in the vein on the top of my wrist, I know - silly, but it's still bugging me. It's not infected or anything just pretty sensitive still. I am able to feel the cysts on my ovaries but they're not causing pain, just a small annoyance and he expects them to be back to normal in less than 6 weeks. He lifted all physical 'restrictions' and just requested that we wait one maybe two cycles before trying again. Ugh. My heart is screaming "I shouldn't be having to try again!" It doesn't help that my attitude is cruddy today.
Not that it matters now, but I did ask about the actual numbers that the MFM doc came up with after figuring my age, scan results and blood test results. My risk for T21 went from 1 in 420 to 1 in 660 and for T18 it went from 1 in something to <1 in 10,000. He also had the pathology results and there were no revelations of anything that we didn't already know, a normal pregnancy except for that pesky no beating heart thing.
On the upside, nothing went wrong with the procedure and I'm healing fine so before too long, I should be back to normal. What ever that means these days.
On a totally unrelated note, the kids have been pretty funny lately and coming up with some off the wall stuff. First, the other night we were driving home and Karleigh asked "Hey, what do kangaroos eat?" Before I could answer her, I hear Rylan answer : "kangarootbeer!" Funny little guy but he often keeps those little things to himself. Then yesterday, Karleigh looked at me and said "Mom? What if some day some girl asks Rylan to marry her? Like she just walks up to us and looks at me and says 'move over, this is my boy now!' all snotty. What do you think about that? That would be sad huh?" I said, well, some day that might kind of happen and Rylan will probably get married. She looked at me and said "well, then let's never go to the park again. I love him." Silly girl! It's a blessing to have them and be totally thankful for them but at the same time it makes what I'm missing all the more crystal clear.
Not that it matters now, but I did ask about the actual numbers that the MFM doc came up with after figuring my age, scan results and blood test results. My risk for T21 went from 1 in 420 to 1 in 660 and for T18 it went from 1 in something to <1 in 10,000. He also had the pathology results and there were no revelations of anything that we didn't already know, a normal pregnancy except for that pesky no beating heart thing.
On the upside, nothing went wrong with the procedure and I'm healing fine so before too long, I should be back to normal. What ever that means these days.
On a totally unrelated note, the kids have been pretty funny lately and coming up with some off the wall stuff. First, the other night we were driving home and Karleigh asked "Hey, what do kangaroos eat?" Before I could answer her, I hear Rylan answer : "kangarootbeer!" Funny little guy but he often keeps those little things to himself. Then yesterday, Karleigh looked at me and said "Mom? What if some day some girl asks Rylan to marry her? Like she just walks up to us and looks at me and says 'move over, this is my boy now!' all snotty. What do you think about that? That would be sad huh?" I said, well, some day that might kind of happen and Rylan will probably get married. She looked at me and said "well, then let's never go to the park again. I love him." Silly girl! It's a blessing to have them and be totally thankful for them but at the same time it makes what I'm missing all the more crystal clear.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A Week Gone By...
I used to be the type of girl who laughed until I cried and now I seem to cry until I laugh. I'm not quite sure when the happy-go-lucky me disappeared. Was it after Eli died? I honestly don't remember. I suppose it could have been before but aside from the "little" infertility issue - trying for over 4 years, and losing 2 pregnancies, before holding our first baby - life was pretty good.
Don't get me wrong, I still have a very good life. A great husband with a solid job that enables me to stay at home, a cute little house with sprawling property to call home and raise our kids, a few integral friends and family who drop their problems just to ask about mine. What more could I need? Not much, but there is something more that I want.
I want to understand how I "lucked out" and was given this really long, repeating chapter in my life. Every time it's the same yet different. I'm having the same conversations in my head that I was having 11 months ago. Just weird. I was reading back through some of my early posts from last year and it was just all so fresh again. To the point where I thought, huh? maybe I should just link back to those past posts and save myself some time. I feel like I had better insight last year. That bugs me. One would think with losing Eli and 3 more babies before Collin just this year, under my belt, that I would be better at this... or something like that.
I've been praying for the peace that I am looking for but at this point, peace is not what I'm feeling. Numbness would be a better description I suppose. I'm wondering if maybe I'm just pushing things aside until it's "easier" to deal with them. I don't think it will ever be easy though. Last week seems like so long ago, yet last year feels like it was just a week ago. I'd like to think that I've been really good about not having a "poor me" attitude but I do find myself looking at issues that other people voice and thinking "gee, what a problem to have... wanna trade?" I'm sure that I have to be on the other side of that for someone else, you know - the grass is always greener and all that stuff. I have had people "guess" what I'm feeling clearer than I can describe it lately so that does seem to help me justify? my feelings or at least not feel so crazy.
Don't get me wrong, I still have a very good life. A great husband with a solid job that enables me to stay at home, a cute little house with sprawling property to call home and raise our kids, a few integral friends and family who drop their problems just to ask about mine. What more could I need? Not much, but there is something more that I want.
I want to understand how I "lucked out" and was given this really long, repeating chapter in my life. Every time it's the same yet different. I'm having the same conversations in my head that I was having 11 months ago. Just weird. I was reading back through some of my early posts from last year and it was just all so fresh again. To the point where I thought, huh? maybe I should just link back to those past posts and save myself some time. I feel like I had better insight last year. That bugs me. One would think with losing Eli and 3 more babies before Collin just this year, under my belt, that I would be better at this... or something like that.
I've been praying for the peace that I am looking for but at this point, peace is not what I'm feeling. Numbness would be a better description I suppose. I'm wondering if maybe I'm just pushing things aside until it's "easier" to deal with them. I don't think it will ever be easy though. Last week seems like so long ago, yet last year feels like it was just a week ago. I'd like to think that I've been really good about not having a "poor me" attitude but I do find myself looking at issues that other people voice and thinking "gee, what a problem to have... wanna trade?" I'm sure that I have to be on the other side of that for someone else, you know - the grass is always greener and all that stuff. I have had people "guess" what I'm feeling clearer than I can describe it lately so that does seem to help me justify? my feelings or at least not feel so crazy.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Talk it Out...
It's helping, that's for sure.
To remove the obscurity, my sister in law is the "great friend" that is visiting. Oh that's nice, right? But the thing is, it IS beyond nice. It's not like it was a "hey, I'll swing past your house more often than usual to help you if you start to slip back into the pit."
It's more like:
*ring, ring* on Saturday afternoon (short version)
Her: I'm flying out [of London] unless you tell me absolutely no, how long should I stay?
Me: two weeks?
Her: sounds good, that's what I was thinking too... I'll see you tomorrow night! Eeek!
I know, right? You just don't find people like that and she fell right into my lap when "the stars aligned" and the New York/Alaska/Hawaii raised girl met the Montana raised boy in Washington, they got married, and she became family.
Now, I'm physically in a better place than I was after we lost Eli which makes her visit both therapeutic and enjoyable. The kids are loving spending time with her since it's been a year and a half since we've seen her but it's been great for me too. We can talk about it, cry about it, laugh about it (as odd as that may seem, there's still laughter) I can re-say 12 times what I'm trying to spit out if necessary and not have to worry about losing my train of thought, she'll eventually bring me back to my point. She doesn't roll her eyes if out of the blue I just say "you know, and another thing...". She stops and listens.
She is keeping me out of the pit that is easy to slip into when Jim is at work and the kids are napping and everything is way too quiet. At the same time I'm able to talk about it whenever it hits me and I don't have to stuff it and wait for Jim to get home.
Of course, there are still moments when it's quiet, in the shower, lying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, the early morning before I can drag myself out of bed... There will always be moments like that as long as there are parts of me missing, and that will be forever.
To remove the obscurity, my sister in law is the "great friend" that is visiting. Oh that's nice, right? But the thing is, it IS beyond nice. It's not like it was a "hey, I'll swing past your house more often than usual to help you if you start to slip back into the pit."
It's more like:
*ring, ring* on Saturday afternoon (short version)
Her: I'm flying out [of London] unless you tell me absolutely no, how long should I stay?
Me: two weeks?
Her: sounds good, that's what I was thinking too... I'll see you tomorrow night! Eeek!
I know, right? You just don't find people like that and she fell right into my lap when "the stars aligned" and the New York/Alaska/Hawaii raised girl met the Montana raised boy in Washington, they got married, and she became family.
Now, I'm physically in a better place than I was after we lost Eli which makes her visit both therapeutic and enjoyable. The kids are loving spending time with her since it's been a year and a half since we've seen her but it's been great for me too. We can talk about it, cry about it, laugh about it (as odd as that may seem, there's still laughter) I can re-say 12 times what I'm trying to spit out if necessary and not have to worry about losing my train of thought, she'll eventually bring me back to my point. She doesn't roll her eyes if out of the blue I just say "you know, and another thing...". She stops and listens.
She is keeping me out of the pit that is easy to slip into when Jim is at work and the kids are napping and everything is way too quiet. At the same time I'm able to talk about it whenever it hits me and I don't have to stuff it and wait for Jim to get home.
Of course, there are still moments when it's quiet, in the shower, lying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, the early morning before I can drag myself out of bed... There will always be moments like that as long as there are parts of me missing, and that will be forever.
Monday, January 12, 2009
In His Short Time...
He did touch people.
From Washington to Tennessee, Michigan to Texas, Australia to England... people know who Collin is and they loved him. Several of my guardian angles, for lack of a better term, have sent along reminders that Collin and our pain, is real. Gift cards for dinner, heart-felt hand written cards, messages, a special figurine that goes with the one that I received after Eli died and a blue burp cloth with Collin's name embroidered on it. You cannot explain the emotions when you see your baby's name right in front of you. Indescribable.
The healing process is different this time but it's still a process. I think I've said that a bunch of times already. But it's true. I am functioning so much better this time but the pain is still there. There are still many of those 'firsts'. The first time you hug someone again. The first time you go back into a store since... there are reminders everywhere. I guess I just know how to deal with it better? differently, I suppose.
I sure wish I didn't have this "experience" under my belt but there's a reason for it. There has to be since I don't believe that life can really be this cruel without reason. In fact, I'm borrowing a quote that one of these friends posted on her blog.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein
From Washington to Tennessee, Michigan to Texas, Australia to England... people know who Collin is and they loved him. Several of my guardian angles, for lack of a better term, have sent along reminders that Collin and our pain, is real. Gift cards for dinner, heart-felt hand written cards, messages, a special figurine that goes with the one that I received after Eli died and a blue burp cloth with Collin's name embroidered on it. You cannot explain the emotions when you see your baby's name right in front of you. Indescribable.
The healing process is different this time but it's still a process. I think I've said that a bunch of times already. But it's true. I am functioning so much better this time but the pain is still there. There are still many of those 'firsts'. The first time you hug someone again. The first time you go back into a store since... there are reminders everywhere. I guess I just know how to deal with it better? differently, I suppose.
I sure wish I didn't have this "experience" under my belt but there's a reason for it. There has to be since I don't believe that life can really be this cruel without reason. In fact, I'm borrowing a quote that one of these friends posted on her blog.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Lying Awake...
The last few nights have gifted me with the inability to sleep well. I suppose that should be expected. The other night I crawled into bed at 10:30 pm and didn't fall asleep until a little bit after 3:30 am. I know that hormones are probably mostly to blame for that. The same ones that are a blessing when you need to get up at all hours with a new baby just give you a whole lot of extra time with yourself and a dark room when there is no baby.
I did a lot of thinking, a lot of praying, organizing, cleaning... if I had actually gotten out of bed and done a few of those things I would have felt a lot more productive. At any rate, while I was lying there I realized how very different this year is going to be from when I said "Happy New Year", and meant it. I was so excited that we would be welcoming our Rainbow Baby boy this year.
Oh, how I was wrong. I had no idea what the next 24 hours would hold.
I have a whole different view for my New Years Resolutions than I did when I was actually ringing in the new year. So, in order to keep myself accountable...
1) Lose the 8-10 pounds of fertility drugs and baby weight (sooner than later and keep it off)
2) Organize and de-clutter the house especially the kid/baby stuff
3) Get the last bit of our revolving debt paid off by not spending as much
4) Spend less time on the computer
5) Spend more time on myself physically, spiritually and mentally
Five is decent. I don't want to overwhelm myself and though some of these should be pretty easy, others are going to take a little more and consistent effort. I'm feeling pretty ok about being able to keep these. We'll see if it takes all year or if I can check a few of these off before then. Here's to the first week of this year being the worst week of this year.
I did a lot of thinking, a lot of praying, organizing, cleaning... if I had actually gotten out of bed and done a few of those things I would have felt a lot more productive. At any rate, while I was lying there I realized how very different this year is going to be from when I said "Happy New Year", and meant it. I was so excited that we would be welcoming our Rainbow Baby boy this year.
Oh, how I was wrong. I had no idea what the next 24 hours would hold.
I have a whole different view for my New Years Resolutions than I did when I was actually ringing in the new year. So, in order to keep myself accountable...
1) Lose the 8-10 pounds of fertility drugs and baby weight (sooner than later and keep it off)
2) Organize and de-clutter the house especially the kid/baby stuff
3) Get the last bit of our revolving debt paid off by not spending as much
4) Spend less time on the computer
5) Spend more time on myself physically, spiritually and mentally
Five is decent. I don't want to overwhelm myself and though some of these should be pretty easy, others are going to take a little more and consistent effort. I'm feeling pretty ok about being able to keep these. We'll see if it takes all year or if I can check a few of these off before then. Here's to the first week of this year being the worst week of this year.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Busy, Busy...
And it feels good to be busy, busy. I got a call today that I'm very happy about and that will really help my healing. But, it kicked me into high gear to want to clean house. I hate to sound obscure but I will just say that one of my very best friends is going to come hang out for awhile and I bet it's going to be great. I am not brushing losing Collin under the rug but there are some people who just help you feel like your old self and I think this will be good for my healing and will help get me back to "normal" faster than last year. Last year it took me more than a month to leave the house, except for the hair cut drama and I just can't do that to my family again.
The other thing that is helping me feel like I can get back to "normal" a bit better is my physical healing this time is a million times easier. I lost so much blood when I delivered Eli that it probably took me a week or more before I could shower without feeling like I was going to pass out and then have to take a nap afterwards. Or feeling like I had run a marathon after carrying one load of laundry up from the basement. When you have a tough physical recovery, I think it makes the mental recovery even harder. I know that I will feel much better when my "chest" gets back to normal. Yes, my milk ended up coming in and that's frustrating and painful but I'm still hoping that it's doesn't end up as being as intense as it was with Eli.
I am finding myself going down the exact same roads (as far as the dealing process goes) that I did last year and Jim actually seems to be following me this time too. We are both ready to purge a lot of stuff from this house from attic to basement, get organized and stay organized. Of course the house isn't a total disaster area but there are a few places that we still need to work on. Closets, toy storage / purging, important paperwork vs. fire starter, the baby things, Christmas decorations and the list goes on and on. I haven't worked outside the home in over 5 years now and I highly doubt that I would wear any of my work clothes to work when/if I go back to work outside the home. Anyway, it's stuff like that. Not a big deal but will feel nice to have it donated. However, it's going to have to wait for about 2 weeks which is cool.
Again, I have to thank you all for your comments and emails. There are certainly some wonderful things that have been posted, emailed and said to me and I also truly believe that the support system that I have in place now deserves much of the credit for how I'm doing this time around. Thank you...
The other thing that is helping me feel like I can get back to "normal" a bit better is my physical healing this time is a million times easier. I lost so much blood when I delivered Eli that it probably took me a week or more before I could shower without feeling like I was going to pass out and then have to take a nap afterwards. Or feeling like I had run a marathon after carrying one load of laundry up from the basement. When you have a tough physical recovery, I think it makes the mental recovery even harder. I know that I will feel much better when my "chest" gets back to normal. Yes, my milk ended up coming in and that's frustrating and painful but I'm still hoping that it's doesn't end up as being as intense as it was with Eli.
I am finding myself going down the exact same roads (as far as the dealing process goes) that I did last year and Jim actually seems to be following me this time too. We are both ready to purge a lot of stuff from this house from attic to basement, get organized and stay organized. Of course the house isn't a total disaster area but there are a few places that we still need to work on. Closets, toy storage / purging, important paperwork vs. fire starter, the baby things, Christmas decorations and the list goes on and on. I haven't worked outside the home in over 5 years now and I highly doubt that I would wear any of my work clothes to work when/if I go back to work outside the home. Anyway, it's stuff like that. Not a big deal but will feel nice to have it donated. However, it's going to have to wait for about 2 weeks which is cool.
Again, I have to thank you all for your comments and emails. There are certainly some wonderful things that have been posted, emailed and said to me and I also truly believe that the support system that I have in place now deserves much of the credit for how I'm doing this time around. Thank you...
Friday, January 9, 2009
Day Two...
Day two greeted me with feeling, physically, not too bad. I still have some cramping of course and the location in the top of my hand, where they placed the IV, is bruised from the middle of my hand to my wrist. I think the extra sleep that I've been able to get has certainly helped. Thanks to the "great flood of '09", my mom "got" to stay here for longer than planned since she couldn't drive home yesterday which means, more sleep for me. So, that has been a little blessing whether (or should I say weather?) she thinks so or not.
The thing that I was dreading (amongst others of course) and hoping to avoid, seems to be happening anyway. It feels like my milk is starting to come in. Yes, another "fun" thing that you don't always hear about. Hopefully it won't be full force like it was after I delivered Eli but at least I know how to deal with it if it does. Limited fluids, Benadryl and no hot showers seem to be the biggest help. Only problem is the Benadryl makes me sleepy and showers are my only option right now and I hate cold showers. *Sigh* I'll figure something out. Thankfully, the phantom kicks and flutters have decreased a bit.
I did get out and get some fresh air today which was nice. Not too long, that's for sure but since it was finally dry, no snow, no rain, we decided to walk the property a bit. The kids loved getting out and though my ears got cold and I went at my own pace, it was a nice change from being cooped up.
The emotional healing process seems to be going as well as I could expect. I've been looking at a few pieces online where I could include both boys and I think, as soon as I decide exactly the wording I'm happy with, I'll order something. I've also started thinking about getting my body back in shape, when I get the ok, so I feel better about myself. I already know that it feels horrible carrying around extra emotional weight, I don't need any extra physical weight. As far as what the future holds, obviously, I have no idea.
A few "interesting" things from yesterday...
On our way to the hospital, we drove directly under a huge bright rainbow and on the way home, under a double rainbow. I try not to read too much into things or look extra hard for 'signs' but that one was impossible to ignore.
As I was checking into the Short Stay Unit, the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor, who we just saw last week and told us everything was perfect, walked past and took a double take when we made eye contact. After telling my mom this, she said that his office had called the house about 45 minutes later "with my numbers". Mom explained the situation and the nurse said that I can call at any time, without a referral, and they will get me in for more testing, talking, discussing etc. I still need to decide if I will take them up on it but I might and it feels good? that there is another door that has opened.
We did choose to have pathology reports run again on Collin. Though I don't have a whole lot of hope for answers, I also know that I wouldn't get them if I didn't ask. So, this at least gives us an opportunity to see if they can find anything. But, considering he was "perfect" they day before his heart stopped, I'm not holding my breath.
I can tell that I'm still kind of going through the motions and that things will continue to hit me in waves but, at least I'm prepared for it. It's harder when you have a bunch of time and don't know which direction you want to go. But I have the time so I need to decide what to do with it.
The thing that I was dreading (amongst others of course) and hoping to avoid, seems to be happening anyway. It feels like my milk is starting to come in. Yes, another "fun" thing that you don't always hear about. Hopefully it won't be full force like it was after I delivered Eli but at least I know how to deal with it if it does. Limited fluids, Benadryl and no hot showers seem to be the biggest help. Only problem is the Benadryl makes me sleepy and showers are my only option right now and I hate cold showers. *Sigh* I'll figure something out. Thankfully, the phantom kicks and flutters have decreased a bit.
I did get out and get some fresh air today which was nice. Not too long, that's for sure but since it was finally dry, no snow, no rain, we decided to walk the property a bit. The kids loved getting out and though my ears got cold and I went at my own pace, it was a nice change from being cooped up.
The emotional healing process seems to be going as well as I could expect. I've been looking at a few pieces online where I could include both boys and I think, as soon as I decide exactly the wording I'm happy with, I'll order something. I've also started thinking about getting my body back in shape, when I get the ok, so I feel better about myself. I already know that it feels horrible carrying around extra emotional weight, I don't need any extra physical weight. As far as what the future holds, obviously, I have no idea.
A few "interesting" things from yesterday...
On our way to the hospital, we drove directly under a huge bright rainbow and on the way home, under a double rainbow. I try not to read too much into things or look extra hard for 'signs' but that one was impossible to ignore.
As I was checking into the Short Stay Unit, the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor, who we just saw last week and told us everything was perfect, walked past and took a double take when we made eye contact. After telling my mom this, she said that his office had called the house about 45 minutes later "with my numbers". Mom explained the situation and the nurse said that I can call at any time, without a referral, and they will get me in for more testing, talking, discussing etc. I still need to decide if I will take them up on it but I might and it feels good? that there is another door that has opened.
We did choose to have pathology reports run again on Collin. Though I don't have a whole lot of hope for answers, I also know that I wouldn't get them if I didn't ask. So, this at least gives us an opportunity to see if they can find anything. But, considering he was "perfect" they day before his heart stopped, I'm not holding my breath.
I can tell that I'm still kind of going through the motions and that things will continue to hit me in waves but, at least I'm prepared for it. It's harder when you have a bunch of time and don't know which direction you want to go. But I have the time so I need to decide what to do with it.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Done...
I feel empty.
Everything went as was planned which is a blessing.
Physically, I'm much better than with Eli's delivery but still very tired.
Now, starts the healing, again.
Everything went as was planned which is a blessing.
Physically, I'm much better than with Eli's delivery but still very tired.
Now, starts the healing, again.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The Reality of It...
It's starting to sink in.... the reality of the fact that in 24 hours (if all goes as planned) I'll be being wheeled through the doors of the operating room. I will be back at ground zero starting all over again. I don't even know what that totally means yet. I do know it means that there will be a healing process physically and hopefully it is easier on me than it was with Eli's delivery and subsequent d&c. Emotionally, I kind of know what I'm in for again. It is different every time though. But beyond that, I don't know. After Eli, I knew that I was going to be able to focus on trying again but I don't know. I can't tell if it's like the burn from a long run that we just need to push forward through and it'll get better or if I'm just pushing against a brick wall that will never fall.
I'm at quite a loss for what to do today. One of my friends told me, in the most loving of ways because she's been here before, to try to find some peace today in my last hours with Collin. I lost it. I have been so focused on trying to get everything in place and ready for a few lazy days, focused on making sure the kids have no idea what's going on, focused on pretty much avoiding it as much as possible that she's right. I need to be thankful for the time that I was given, no matter how short. It's really hard not to be upset about it though.
Stupid, broken world, this isn't fair.
I'm actually waiting around so I can call the pre-op registration nurse back with my health history. They are good about having all their ducks in a row but it just feels like one more nail in the coffin, to use a very tasteless analogy. I'd rather be napping. My body feels just like it did a week ago, still tired, still have foods that sound or taste better than others, still have to pee all the time and sore boobies. Lucky me. But, all proof that I don't think my body would have caught on for quite a long time and I know that I can't put myself through that on top of everything else.
My body finally wants to have babies but they all seem to have broken hearts - must get that from their mommy...
I'm at quite a loss for what to do today. One of my friends told me, in the most loving of ways because she's been here before, to try to find some peace today in my last hours with Collin. I lost it. I have been so focused on trying to get everything in place and ready for a few lazy days, focused on making sure the kids have no idea what's going on, focused on pretty much avoiding it as much as possible that she's right. I need to be thankful for the time that I was given, no matter how short. It's really hard not to be upset about it though.
Stupid, broken world, this isn't fair.
I'm actually waiting around so I can call the pre-op registration nurse back with my health history. They are good about having all their ducks in a row but it just feels like one more nail in the coffin, to use a very tasteless analogy. I'd rather be napping. My body feels just like it did a week ago, still tired, still have foods that sound or taste better than others, still have to pee all the time and sore boobies. Lucky me. But, all proof that I don't think my body would have caught on for quite a long time and I know that I can't put myself through that on top of everything else.
My body finally wants to have babies but they all seem to have broken hearts - must get that from their mommy...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
47...
I realized, while doing dishes this morning, that I have been pregnant for forty-seven weeks since Rylan was born. That seems like an incredibly long time to me. I also realized that from those forty-seven weeks, I didn't have a single belly picture. How sad.
After we lost Eli, I was going through my camera and as I came across the belly photos that I had taken with him, in a knee-jerk reaction of grief, I deleted them. That is the thing about digital - once it's gone, it's gone. In the days of film, I would have had a negative for when I came to my senses. However, there are other things that I have from Eli's pregnancy that I won't have from Collin's. I video taped Eli's heart beat on the doppler, we have actual photos of him, foot castings, foot prints... his ashes.
I won't have any of that with Collin.
I figured I had plenty of time to video his doppler readings. I didn't. I knew who we would use for a small session of maternity photos. We won't be scheduling that session. There will be no actual photos. Thankfully, I do have the pictures from our NT scan on the 31st. It's very therapeutic to have tangible items that remind me of my pregnancies. I guess it helps validate the fact that yes, there was a tiny person who we gave life to. I also realized that there's no reason that I couldn't take a belly photo now - I look the same as I did a week ago - and I can't go back and do it next week if I change my mind. So, while the kids were napping and Jim was at work, I did...
I am lucky to have the husband that I do. Looking at the photo you can probably see why I was glad that I found my old, new maternity clothes a few weeks ago. Anyway, I just can not bring myself to wear maternity clothes to the D&C on Thursday. Jim scoured the mall last night until he found a jog suit, a size up from normal, that I could wear and lounge around in. I had considered squeezing into the one pair of jeans that I can still, sort of, wear but then we remembered about the IV's that they hook you up to and realized that it would be an even more uncomfortable trip home. The extra fluid makes you pretty puffy. He also bought me new socks because it's the little things like that that make the situation a little bit more comfortable and every little bit helps.
After we lost Eli, I was going through my camera and as I came across the belly photos that I had taken with him, in a knee-jerk reaction of grief, I deleted them. That is the thing about digital - once it's gone, it's gone. In the days of film, I would have had a negative for when I came to my senses. However, there are other things that I have from Eli's pregnancy that I won't have from Collin's. I video taped Eli's heart beat on the doppler, we have actual photos of him, foot castings, foot prints... his ashes.
I won't have any of that with Collin.
I figured I had plenty of time to video his doppler readings. I didn't. I knew who we would use for a small session of maternity photos. We won't be scheduling that session. There will be no actual photos. Thankfully, I do have the pictures from our NT scan on the 31st. It's very therapeutic to have tangible items that remind me of my pregnancies. I guess it helps validate the fact that yes, there was a tiny person who we gave life to. I also realized that there's no reason that I couldn't take a belly photo now - I look the same as I did a week ago - and I can't go back and do it next week if I change my mind. So, while the kids were napping and Jim was at work, I did...
I am lucky to have the husband that I do. Looking at the photo you can probably see why I was glad that I found my old, new maternity clothes a few weeks ago. Anyway, I just can not bring myself to wear maternity clothes to the D&C on Thursday. Jim scoured the mall last night until he found a jog suit, a size up from normal, that I could wear and lounge around in. I had considered squeezing into the one pair of jeans that I can still, sort of, wear but then we remembered about the IV's that they hook you up to and realized that it would be an even more uncomfortable trip home. The extra fluid makes you pretty puffy. He also bought me new socks because it's the little things like that that make the situation a little bit more comfortable and every little bit helps.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Starting the Process All Over Again...
But it's different this time.
After we lost Eli I was so incredibly sad, understandably. It was a shot to the gut after I thought he was such a blessing since we were able to conceive him on our own and thought he was just meant to be with us. But now, after losing Collin, I'm finding myself very angry. Not AT any one or any particular thing just angry. I don't know if it's because I'm just moving through the grief process faster this time since I can't even remove the events of the last 11 months from each other. Maybe I'm angry at myself for letting my guard down and thinking that there's no way that I would continue to move further and further into that one tenth of one percent or whatever minuscule probability it is that I would experience a loss like this again. Let's not forget that the perinatalogist told me that there's no greater chance for me to lose another pregnancy than the next person... oh, two losses ago?
On the other hand I can eat a hot dog and drink a coke without the guilt of what it's going to potentially do to my baby. Hips? another story. Or I can take a super hot bath, use zit creme, go tanning or whiten my teeth.
I'd rather have my baby.
It's not up to me though. I did everything "right". I took my prenatal, my 81 mg of Aspirin and my DHA supplement every night. I could tell that Dr. B was quite taken aback by the situation. He just looked at me and said "why does this keep happening?" He reviewed my NT scan before I got there for my appointment and I think he fully thought that I was going to have a baby in there who had just been playing peek-a-boo.
Oh, how I wish.
He kept reminding me of Karleigh and Rylan and how that does give him hope for live birth number three, but do I want to go there? Time does ease the pain but it does not heal it. At least it hasn't for me yet. And unless none of us has noticed, neither of us is getting any younger. And where? where do I set my limit? I have dealt with infertility and as so very hard as that is I have a hard time understanding why I would continue to be blessed with pregnancies but no baby in the end. Stupid me thought it would actually end happily this time and it made my skin crawl every time someone said "if" this baby comes home, or makes it, or this pregnancy works out. I admit that I thought in those terms too at times though. And that makes me angry too. What gave me the right to think anything other than the best for this pregnancy?
It's a process to start all over again. I find myself "blogging in my head" a lot again. Not talking to myself like a crazy woman (yet) just thinking through things nearly constantly. I have a woman's brain that never rests anyway, and that's when there's nothing all that interesting going on. So you can imagine the noise between my ears now. I'm sure I'll be blogging more frequently again since that does help this process, to get it down in black and white (so to speak) and get it out of my head so other, hopefully more healing thoughts can filter in.
After we lost Eli I was so incredibly sad, understandably. It was a shot to the gut after I thought he was such a blessing since we were able to conceive him on our own and thought he was just meant to be with us. But now, after losing Collin, I'm finding myself very angry. Not AT any one or any particular thing just angry. I don't know if it's because I'm just moving through the grief process faster this time since I can't even remove the events of the last 11 months from each other. Maybe I'm angry at myself for letting my guard down and thinking that there's no way that I would continue to move further and further into that one tenth of one percent or whatever minuscule probability it is that I would experience a loss like this again. Let's not forget that the perinatalogist told me that there's no greater chance for me to lose another pregnancy than the next person... oh, two losses ago?
On the other hand I can eat a hot dog and drink a coke without the guilt of what it's going to potentially do to my baby. Hips? another story. Or I can take a super hot bath, use zit creme, go tanning or whiten my teeth.
I'd rather have my baby.
It's not up to me though. I did everything "right". I took my prenatal, my 81 mg of Aspirin and my DHA supplement every night. I could tell that Dr. B was quite taken aback by the situation. He just looked at me and said "why does this keep happening?" He reviewed my NT scan before I got there for my appointment and I think he fully thought that I was going to have a baby in there who had just been playing peek-a-boo.
Oh, how I wish.
He kept reminding me of Karleigh and Rylan and how that does give him hope for live birth number three, but do I want to go there? Time does ease the pain but it does not heal it. At least it hasn't for me yet. And unless none of us has noticed, neither of us is getting any younger. And where? where do I set my limit? I have dealt with infertility and as so very hard as that is I have a hard time understanding why I would continue to be blessed with pregnancies but no baby in the end. Stupid me thought it would actually end happily this time and it made my skin crawl every time someone said "if" this baby comes home, or makes it, or this pregnancy works out. I admit that I thought in those terms too at times though. And that makes me angry too. What gave me the right to think anything other than the best for this pregnancy?
It's a process to start all over again. I find myself "blogging in my head" a lot again. Not talking to myself like a crazy woman (yet) just thinking through things nearly constantly. I have a woman's brain that never rests anyway, and that's when there's nothing all that interesting going on. So you can imagine the noise between my ears now. I'm sure I'll be blogging more frequently again since that does help this process, to get it down in black and white (so to speak) and get it out of my head so other, hopefully more healing thoughts can filter in.
It is Set...
Thursday at 11 am. I will check into the hospital and hungrily wait for two hours until 1 pm when my d&c is scheduled. After much thought and wrestling, I think this is the route to go this time. After talking with Dr. B, I feel a bit better about it. It's not new territory to me, it will be my third, so I know what to expect. There's the benefit of knowing when things will be resolved and recovery isn't even all that bad. So, that's the plan. Is there a part of me that has a bit of a problem with knowing what really happens on that operating table? Oh yah, but I'm coming to terms with it and accepting that that's how it's going to be.
We talked about the other options, waiting it out or helping it along either at home or in the hospital and both of those options came back with a high probability of needing a d&c anyway so I might as well just cut to the chase. Plus, there's a part of me that would feel kind of stupid lying in the birth center to miscarry a 13 week baby even though I know it shouldn't be about my pride. It was exhausting and it still took a long time with Eli. Waiting it out has, in the past, not worked for me and I am having no cramping or spotting at all at this point so it's not like we'd just be giving things a boost, we'd be trying to start something from scratch. He said that he only gave inducing a miscarriage, about a 50% chance of working. In the general population it's closer to 75% - 80% but he also said, clearly, I'm not like the general population.
On the upside, the nasty receptionist was not there when I checked in for my appointment so I didn't have to deal with that. I told Dr. B that she had spoken to me the same exact way when I called that Monday morning in February about Eli and that every time I speak with her it's like a confrontation. I also told him that I'm not the only one with this complaint as my girlfriend, who I just referred to them, asked me if the front desk staff was always so nasty. Needless to say, he clearly thought that was unacceptable behavior (you think?) and thanked me for letting him know because he doesn't know if no one says anything.
So, that's where things stand now. I have to wait for a few more days for resolution to this but I have, at least, made the decision and there's enough time that my mom can get a sub set up so she can be here with the kids and Jim can rearrange his schedule so he can be with me. Poor guy gets bored with all that waiting though at least he gets to eat.
I do have to say that I feel a lot better knowing which solution we have chosen. So much of the anxiety comes from the unknown.
We talked about the other options, waiting it out or helping it along either at home or in the hospital and both of those options came back with a high probability of needing a d&c anyway so I might as well just cut to the chase. Plus, there's a part of me that would feel kind of stupid lying in the birth center to miscarry a 13 week baby even though I know it shouldn't be about my pride. It was exhausting and it still took a long time with Eli. Waiting it out has, in the past, not worked for me and I am having no cramping or spotting at all at this point so it's not like we'd just be giving things a boost, we'd be trying to start something from scratch. He said that he only gave inducing a miscarriage, about a 50% chance of working. In the general population it's closer to 75% - 80% but he also said, clearly, I'm not like the general population.
On the upside, the nasty receptionist was not there when I checked in for my appointment so I didn't have to deal with that. I told Dr. B that she had spoken to me the same exact way when I called that Monday morning in February about Eli and that every time I speak with her it's like a confrontation. I also told him that I'm not the only one with this complaint as my girlfriend, who I just referred to them, asked me if the front desk staff was always so nasty. Needless to say, he clearly thought that was unacceptable behavior (you think?) and thanked me for letting him know because he doesn't know if no one says anything.
So, that's where things stand now. I have to wait for a few more days for resolution to this but I have, at least, made the decision and there's enough time that my mom can get a sub set up so she can be here with the kids and Jim can rearrange his schedule so he can be with me. Poor guy gets bored with all that waiting though at least he gets to eat.
I do have to say that I feel a lot better knowing which solution we have chosen. So much of the anxiety comes from the unknown.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
My OB's office. That's where I'll be sitting in 12 hours, glaring at the receptionist who refused to budge and let me come in on Friday and who snipped "do you have a problem!?!" when I sighed in the phone, trying to hold back my tears before she put me on hold. Like I needed to deal with her, again, when making the I-think-my-baby's-dead call, again.
Of course, the weather isn't cooperating. I haven't moved out of my cozy chair much today but when I did take a peek outside, I noticed that it has snowed another 3 or so inches this evening. It is supposed to turn to rain but I don't know when. Jim said they talked about the weather on the news but I don't remember even watching the news tonight. Go figure. I will be not be rescheduling this appointment though. I need to know what the plan is. I don't know if they'll give me one "final" ultrasound or not. I had a dream last night that they did and it was all just a mistake. Wishful thinking though and it was very sad to come out of that dream.
I do thank each and every one of you who has logged in and left notes or sent me emails to let me know that you're thinking of us. It helps in not feeling so alone in all of this and having something new to read helps keep my mind busy. It's when I have nothing going on that it starts going to those strange places that I was hoping to never have to visit again. I have already started the purging of all the baby and kid stuff in my mind. There are some things that I want to keep but there are other things that I have been keeping for the "next" baby. I don't think there will be a "next" baby now. There are brand new things that were purchased for Eli and never used, some things that were only used for a short time by either Rylan or Karleigh and I just can't keep it all floating around in the various places in the house, closets and basement to taunt me when I turn around. It's time for much of this stuff to go. It's not a great time of year for re-sale, the dead-line for tax deductions has passed, I don't care. It needs to go. Yes, it's grief but it's my grief and I'll get rid of stuff if I want to. Um, yah, and it's about control too, I know, I don't have a lot of that right now.
I have had a chance to think about how I want... that's a funny choice of words... how I want to go about things so we'll see if I have the support of Dr.B tomorrow or not. I have certainly learned, quickly, not to get my hopes up or make too many plans in advance, so I am going to try to keep an open mind about the whole thing. I mean, bottom line is: the end result is the same, I come home empty handed and broken hearted. Again.
Of course, the weather isn't cooperating. I haven't moved out of my cozy chair much today but when I did take a peek outside, I noticed that it has snowed another 3 or so inches this evening. It is supposed to turn to rain but I don't know when. Jim said they talked about the weather on the news but I don't remember even watching the news tonight. Go figure. I will be not be rescheduling this appointment though. I need to know what the plan is. I don't know if they'll give me one "final" ultrasound or not. I had a dream last night that they did and it was all just a mistake. Wishful thinking though and it was very sad to come out of that dream.
I do thank each and every one of you who has logged in and left notes or sent me emails to let me know that you're thinking of us. It helps in not feeling so alone in all of this and having something new to read helps keep my mind busy. It's when I have nothing going on that it starts going to those strange places that I was hoping to never have to visit again. I have already started the purging of all the baby and kid stuff in my mind. There are some things that I want to keep but there are other things that I have been keeping for the "next" baby. I don't think there will be a "next" baby now. There are brand new things that were purchased for Eli and never used, some things that were only used for a short time by either Rylan or Karleigh and I just can't keep it all floating around in the various places in the house, closets and basement to taunt me when I turn around. It's time for much of this stuff to go. It's not a great time of year for re-sale, the dead-line for tax deductions has passed, I don't care. It needs to go. Yes, it's grief but it's my grief and I'll get rid of stuff if I want to. Um, yah, and it's about control too, I know, I don't have a lot of that right now.
I have had a chance to think about how I want... that's a funny choice of words... how I want to go about things so we'll see if I have the support of Dr.B tomorrow or not. I have certainly learned, quickly, not to get my hopes up or make too many plans in advance, so I am going to try to keep an open mind about the whole thing. I mean, bottom line is: the end result is the same, I come home empty handed and broken hearted. Again.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Here I Sit...
The house is so very quiet. Both kids are napping (for now) and all I can hear is the sound of the heater, the clicking of the keys and my own heart pounding in my ears.
I've been trying to figure out what I want to do from here. What I want is to have a live baby but that isn't going to happen. So now, now I have to figure out how to get un-pregnant. With my history, my body generally doesn't catch on to the fact that the baby has died. With my first pregnancy the baby's heart stopped around 10 weeks and I finally had a D&C at 13.5 weeks. Eli's heart stopped and three days later he was delivered via induction. I don't know how we are going to go about things this time. I have really been praying for guidance on that front.
There are basically three standard ways to go about it and all of them have their drawbacks.
Wait it out and miscarry naturally which could take weeks and could have complications along with the unknown of when it would happen and if I would be here alone with the kids, the pain and the fact that there is still a very high likely hood for an emergency D&C.
An induced miscarriage with Cytotec or Misoprostol which would speed the process along but again there are all the above concerns with being at home - 35 minutes from the nearest hospital.
A D&C which would surgically remove his body from mine. It would be a scheduled, out patient procedure and I know what to expect but it's surgery again and knowing what happens during the D&C does bother me.
A part of me, even though I know Collin is 3 weeks smaller, wants to do it just like we did last year. But I don't know if the hospital will agree to that. I feel like this is such an in-between stage for making the "right" choice and it really all depends on what Dr.B suggests on Monday, too.
I'm sure we'll attempt to have genetic testing done again even though I have very low expectations for finding anything out. He just passed the physical part of the chromosomal screening with flying colors a day before his heart stopped. I just keep hearing the words of the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor saying "he looks perfect, I see nothing for us to be concerned about..." Ultrasound apparently doesn't show the hand of God. I can't help but wonder if they could still do an amnio just as they would if he were still alive and we were looking for a chromosomal analysis. I will ask about that because with having a weekend before anything can be done, the chance of finding anything out from his pathology report is very slim.
It feels totally unreal to be sitting here, going through the options in my head less than a year later while experiencing the joys *sarcasm* of phantom flutters and bumps - oh yes, that is a very real phenomenon - while dreading the thought of my milk coming in, again, with no baby to feed.
I've been trying to figure out what I want to do from here. What I want is to have a live baby but that isn't going to happen. So now, now I have to figure out how to get un-pregnant. With my history, my body generally doesn't catch on to the fact that the baby has died. With my first pregnancy the baby's heart stopped around 10 weeks and I finally had a D&C at 13.5 weeks. Eli's heart stopped and three days later he was delivered via induction. I don't know how we are going to go about things this time. I have really been praying for guidance on that front.
There are basically three standard ways to go about it and all of them have their drawbacks.
Wait it out and miscarry naturally which could take weeks and could have complications along with the unknown of when it would happen and if I would be here alone with the kids, the pain and the fact that there is still a very high likely hood for an emergency D&C.
An induced miscarriage with Cytotec or Misoprostol which would speed the process along but again there are all the above concerns with being at home - 35 minutes from the nearest hospital.
A D&C which would surgically remove his body from mine. It would be a scheduled, out patient procedure and I know what to expect but it's surgery again and knowing what happens during the D&C does bother me.
A part of me, even though I know Collin is 3 weeks smaller, wants to do it just like we did last year. But I don't know if the hospital will agree to that. I feel like this is such an in-between stage for making the "right" choice and it really all depends on what Dr.B suggests on Monday, too.
I'm sure we'll attempt to have genetic testing done again even though I have very low expectations for finding anything out. He just passed the physical part of the chromosomal screening with flying colors a day before his heart stopped. I just keep hearing the words of the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor saying "he looks perfect, I see nothing for us to be concerned about..." Ultrasound apparently doesn't show the hand of God. I can't help but wonder if they could still do an amnio just as they would if he were still alive and we were looking for a chromosomal analysis. I will ask about that because with having a weekend before anything can be done, the chance of finding anything out from his pathology report is very slim.
It feels totally unreal to be sitting here, going through the options in my head less than a year later while experiencing the joys *sarcasm* of phantom flutters and bumps - oh yes, that is a very real phenomenon - while dreading the thought of my milk coming in, again, with no baby to feed.
Friday, January 2, 2009
He's Gone...
At 13 weeks, he's gone.
His name is Collin.
We will discuss with my OB where we go from here.
I cannot believe this has happened again - he was perfect on Wednesday and now he's perfect in a totally different way than I had imagined. I wanted this baby more than you'll know. I'm wrestling with a whole bunch of different things right now so please forgive the short and blunt post.
His name is Collin.
We will discuss with my OB where we go from here.
I cannot believe this has happened again - he was perfect on Wednesday and now he's perfect in a totally different way than I had imagined. I wanted this baby more than you'll know. I'm wrestling with a whole bunch of different things right now so please forgive the short and blunt post.
Never Simple...
I often wish I could be one of those happy-go-lucky pregnant women but it's never simple. It's been more than a day now since I've heard this baby's heart tones and it's certainly not for lack of trying. This does not make me happy or optimistic at all and I'm pretty cried out at this point from sadness, frustration and anger. On top of it, my house is a mess and that makes me even more stressed out. I called my OB's office but they can't (or won't) see me until Monday morning at 8:45 am. That really doesn't help at all. The triage nurse did suggest that I just go ahead and go to the ER "for peace of mind". I don't call it peace of mind, I call it a diagnosis but again, it's never simple. I hope and pray that this little guy is just hiding out but given my history, it doesn't feel good. At all.
I came across a quote today and I wish I could give credit where credit is due, but I can't find who said it. It basically said "Every day we are given a piece of the puzzle, but only God has the box top." Ain't that the truth?
I came across a quote today and I wish I could give credit where credit is due, but I can't find who said it. It basically said "Every day we are given a piece of the puzzle, but only God has the box top." Ain't that the truth?
Anxiety...
The 2nd trimester is when most people get to relax and start to really dive into the pregnancy and baby plans.
Me?
Nope, anxiety has crept in, full force. You would think that with such a great scan the other day I would be a bit more calm but I'm not. I let myself get a little bit excited and started looking at baby stuff on-line the other day and now I'm feeling stupid for doing so. I went to check on baby's heart beat and mine is pounding so hard and so fast that I can't find his which, of course, leads to even more anxiety. He has been hiding out under one of my main uterine arteries lately, and he's hidden before but I am more anxious about it this time, by far. I also know that there's nothing I can do about it either way so my best option is prayer. I have an appointment with my OB on Wednesday so I'll know more then. But even then, I'll only know for that time being.
It's one of those places that you'll never know unless, sadly, you've been here. I'm sure there are people thinking "just relax, it's fine!" well, those people can't know that for sure can they? Anyway. I can tell you that I will be praying for lots of peace, for this little guy and for God to keep His hand on us. There's always this part of me that can't help but wonder if I'm going against God's will for our family by trying so hard to get, our wanted, baby number three here. I don't know. I was really hoping that 2009 would help bring a new feeling of hope and healing. Instead, it seems to be full of anxiety.
Me?
Nope, anxiety has crept in, full force. You would think that with such a great scan the other day I would be a bit more calm but I'm not. I let myself get a little bit excited and started looking at baby stuff on-line the other day and now I'm feeling stupid for doing so. I went to check on baby's heart beat and mine is pounding so hard and so fast that I can't find his which, of course, leads to even more anxiety. He has been hiding out under one of my main uterine arteries lately, and he's hidden before but I am more anxious about it this time, by far. I also know that there's nothing I can do about it either way so my best option is prayer. I have an appointment with my OB on Wednesday so I'll know more then. But even then, I'll only know for that time being.
It's one of those places that you'll never know unless, sadly, you've been here. I'm sure there are people thinking "just relax, it's fine!" well, those people can't know that for sure can they? Anyway. I can tell you that I will be praying for lots of peace, for this little guy and for God to keep His hand on us. There's always this part of me that can't help but wonder if I'm going against God's will for our family by trying so hard to get, our wanted, baby number three here. I don't know. I was really hoping that 2009 would help bring a new feeling of hope and healing. Instead, it seems to be full of anxiety.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Hello 2009!
...and good riddance to you 2008! Don't get me wrong, I know that 2008 gave me a path that I was obviously supposed to travel but that doesn't mean this has been my favorite year as a whole, that's for sure. WOW! I have so much to catch up on. It's been a busy week so hang with me while I try to recap.
First, Happy Birthday to my baby girl who turned 5 today! We spent her birthday with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend. We went to see The Tales of Despereaux, out to a very yummy lunch and then came home for presents, cake and ice cream. I felt a little bad since I didn't plan much in advance at all. In fact, I didn't even know what I was going to do for her cake until I thought to ask her while we were driving through Spokane on our way to Montana. I usually have everything planned out at least a month in advance but I was pleased with how everything did come together and she says she had a great day! It's so hard to grasp how fast the time flies. She wasn't in the mood for pics today so I wasn't going to fight it, but here are a few:
And Karleigh 5 years ago...
Now, back to where I left off. We got to enjoy the first white Christmas in 13 years in Billings. That seems hard to believe doesn't it? But there was plenty of snow for the kids to enjoy and for me to be cold. It's funny with the snow there, you just have to take they meteorologists word for it when they tell you how much snow there is because the wind blows so much and it drifts in all sorts of various depths. The temperature finally got up to about 20 on the day after Christmas so the kids were able to get out and enjoy the snow without fear of instant frost bite!
Obviously, we made it home from Montana in one piece. The trip home felt very long too but not as bad as the trip going. Let's see, first we left the Billings area and the sun was shining, it was beautiful with a nice clear day and roads not too bad, ahead of us.
At Livingston, the freeway was closed due to extreme high wind conditions leading to a ground blizzard. If you look closely at the pic below, you can see where someone ran smack into the road block with their windshield. We saw a car with a destroyed windshield parked in front of the emergency vehicles. It wasn't until we looked at our pictures that we noticed that the arm was broken and were able to put two and two together.
At this point in the trip it started snowing again, hard. And, it was big, heavy, fast accumulating flakes since it was 26 degrees. We got back to Jim's aunt and uncle's house for a very relaxing evening.
Leaving Missoula we hit the road at about 9 am mountain time. We thought we were doing well until we actually got into Missoula and stopped at McD's for the WORST service we have ever had anywhere and that alone (in the drive through) set us back about 25 minutes. The roads were wet and sloppy and it had turned to Washington snow, slush and ice. We saw more vehicles spun out in the median in the 100 miles to the Idaho border than we saw the entire rest of the trip. Nice. Now, I'll just get to the point. It should take 2 hours to get to Idaho. It took over 4. For one very simple reason. Truckers who didn't feel the need to take precautions and chain up while going over Lookout Pass. I'm sure it's a cold inconvenience for them but it's their job to try to keep them and everyone else safe. Needless to say, the roads were very slippery and once a few trucks got stopped or slowed down too much, they were stuck. Then when you have two lanes of stuck trucks, no body goes any where. We were stopped next to one trucker (who had passed us quite recklessly) and every time he moved mere inches and put his brakes on, he slid back further than he had gone forward. We spent an extra 2 hours on the pass, barely moving at all and at other times Jim just had the van in park... on the interstate. On the upside, by the time we got home, Rylan was still talking about how he got to pee in a bottle! Ah, the joys of being a boy. We had stopped at the rest stop before hitting the pass, thankfully, but it was just too long and I had no idea how much longer he would have to hold it. Anyway, once the truckers got chained up in the middle of the freeway, the traffic was able to start moving again. Once we hit the Idaho border, the roads were basically bare and wet the rest of the way. Unfortunately, Montana couldn't plow the west bound lanes um, yah, because it was jammed up with traffic!!! Catch 22 I suppose. On the bright side, the rest of the trip home was beautiful. Well, until we tried to get into our driveway but I won't get into that. I'll just say we still had a ton of snow here at the house and the snow plow pile blocking our driveway was quite large.
Looking at that sky, we knew we were in for something interesting!
The wait on the freeway was so long that someone ahead of us made the most of their time and hopped out to make a few families of snow "people" along the way!
Phew! Are you still with me? We arrived home on Sunday night so I had Monday to try to get laundry done and find a place for all the new stuff that the kids got. Tuesday afternoon my parents came down to the house. We had asked them to come a little early since we had our NT scan on Wednesday morning and of course Jim wanted to be there too, so they came to watch the kids for us and let us get our last minute birthday and New Year's Eve stuff done.
The NT scan was pretty cool. It was not offered when I was pregnant with Rylan and when I was pregnant with Eli, our insurance denied coverage for it so we didn't elect to do it. Interestingly enough, this time the insurance covered it no problem. I can't help but wonder what Eli's results would have been - if he would have appeared to be at an increased risk for a chromosomal abnormality. I won't know though. What I do know was that this baby was very cooperative and slept through most of it. Of course, we had to start all with all sorts of measurements of the cysts (yes, plural now) on my ovaries. The ultrasound tech at the Maternal Fetal Medicine office votes that the larger of the cysts is on my right ovary like the first tech reported. Good news is that they are starting to slowly decrease in size which is what they did when I was pregnant with Karleigh too. I'm not worried about them and they're not causing any pain which is a blessing. Apparently the MFM specialist asked Jim - after he sent me to the bathroom upon seeing the size of my bladder! - if I was having any pain or discomfort from them so I am very thankful that I am not.
Anyway, the scan was great. Baby totally cooperated by sleeping for the first part while she took crown to rump measurements which confirmed our original due date of July 11th, a number of nuchal measurements all ranging from 1.1mm to 1.5mm (normal being 2.5mm and below). We were also able to see the nasal bone very clearly and a heart rate of 175. After she got the measurements she did some more looking around at legs, feet, the brain, both little hands, bladder and even a perfect "money" shot. We all saw it and when I asked her if she could see she said "yes, without a doubt" and I said "and???". We saw what we thought we saw and it appears that we are having a baby boy! I am so shocked that they can even tell this early but they can and I'm really glad. We aren't buying anything until our next level II ultrasound in several weeks but I'm glad to know now. There are so many different emotions that I wasn't really expecting, that I need to work through. I am finding out that they are totally normal and that I would probably have a whole different yet equally strange set of emotions had we found out it was a girl. There's always room for him to "change" into a her (though the shot was very convincing) and we're happy either way.
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