It's starting to sink in.... the reality of the fact that in 24 hours (if all goes as planned) I'll be being wheeled through the doors of the operating room. I will be back at ground zero starting all over again. I don't even know what that totally means yet. I do know it means that there will be a healing process physically and hopefully it is easier on me than it was with Eli's delivery and subsequent d&c. Emotionally, I kind of know what I'm in for again. It is different every time though. But beyond that, I don't know. After Eli, I knew that I was going to be able to focus on trying again but I don't know. I can't tell if it's like the burn from a long run that we just need to push forward through and it'll get better or if I'm just pushing against a brick wall that will never fall.
I'm at quite a loss for what to do today. One of my friends told me, in the most loving of ways because she's been here before, to try to find some peace today in my last hours with Collin. I lost it. I have been so focused on trying to get everything in place and ready for a few lazy days, focused on making sure the kids have no idea what's going on, focused on pretty much avoiding it as much as possible that she's right. I need to be thankful for the time that I was given, no matter how short. It's really hard not to be upset about it though.
Stupid, broken world, this isn't fair.
I'm actually waiting around so I can call the pre-op registration nurse back with my health history. They are good about having all their ducks in a row but it just feels like one more nail in the coffin, to use a very tasteless analogy. I'd rather be napping. My body feels just like it did a week ago, still tired, still have foods that sound or taste better than others, still have to pee all the time and sore boobies. Lucky me. But, all proof that I don't think my body would have caught on for quite a long time and I know that I can't put myself through that on top of everything else.
My body finally wants to have babies but they all seem to have broken hearts - must get that from their mommy...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
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10 comments:
Kristi - Just wanting to let you know you have been in my thoughts all week. I know that these last hours with Collin inside of you are heartwrenching and bittersweet. I of course will be watching the clock all day tomorrow as I think of and worry about you. My friend, take care of you! We will be here for you, waiting to help you heal.
Oh, Kristi, I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight, and figure out where to go from here. As Bethany said, I'm thinking of you all the time, and will say a prayer at 11am tomorrow...
Love, Edna from BBC
It breaks my heart to see you going through this again. I have felt so many similar feelings, especially after losing the twins, but you say it so much better than I do. I'll be praying for you tomorrow.
Jenell
You are on my mind, always.
Oh honey, there is so much numb sadness in your posts. It breaks my heart. I hope that tomorrow comes and goes as easily as it possibly can. Try to sleep tonight and know that I will be thinking of you and Colin. ))))HUGS(((
All of our hearts are braking too with you. I know you may feel alone, but I promise you are not.
-h
Kristi, we are all here for you!! Will be thinking of you and the family today and everyday.
Much love,
Kathy
Kristi -- My thoughts are with you. I am so sorry you are going through this. ((HUGS))
I've been thinking of you all day. I'm with you in spirit.
Sending you a hug and hoping that your mind can rest and your body heal and your heart hold dear the love that is in your life.
Megan
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