Here I Sit...

The house is so very quiet. Both kids are napping (for now) and all I can hear is the sound of the heater, the clicking of the keys and my own heart pounding in my ears.


I've been trying to figure out what I want to do from here. What I want is to have a live baby but that isn't going to happen. So now, now I have to figure out how to get un-pregnant. With my history, my body generally doesn't catch on to the fact that the baby has died. With my first pregnancy the baby's heart stopped around 10 weeks and I finally had a D&C at 13.5 weeks. Eli's heart stopped and three days later he was delivered via induction. I don't know how we are going to go about things this time. I have really been praying for guidance on that front.


There are basically three standard ways to go about it and all of them have their drawbacks.
Wait it out and miscarry naturally which could take weeks and could have complications along with the unknown of when it would happen and if I would be here alone with the kids, the pain and the fact that there is still a very high likely hood for an emergency D&C.
An induced miscarriage with Cytotec or Misoprostol which would speed the process along but again there are all the above concerns with being at home - 35 minutes from the nearest hospital.
A D&C which would surgically remove his body from mine. It would be a scheduled, out patient procedure and I know what to expect but it's surgery again and knowing what happens during the D&C does bother me.


A part of me, even though I know Collin is 3 weeks smaller, wants to do it just like we did last year. But I don't know if the hospital will agree to that. I feel like this is such an in-between stage for making the "right" choice and it really all depends on what Dr.B suggests on Monday, too.


I'm sure we'll attempt to have genetic testing done again even though I have very low expectations for finding anything out. He just passed the physical part of the chromosomal screening with flying colors a day before his heart stopped. I just keep hearing the words of the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor saying "he looks perfect, I see nothing for us to be concerned about..." Ultrasound apparently doesn't show the hand of God. I can't help but wonder if they could still do an amnio just as they would if he were still alive and we were looking for a chromosomal analysis. I will ask about that because with having a weekend before anything can be done, the chance of finding anything out from his pathology report is very slim.


It feels totally unreal to be sitting here, going through the options in my head less than a year later while experiencing the joys *sarcasm* of phantom flutters and bumps - oh yes, that is a very real phenomenon - while dreading the thought of my milk coming in, again, with no baby to feed.