So fast

It's been over a month since I blogged here? Pathetic. Or not pathetic and a good indication that I used this blog the way that I needed to, when I needed to and now? well, my days are taken up by this cutie!

She's still awesome. We brought her home from the hospital seven months ago. She's gained almost 12 pounds since she was born. She's trying to crawl. She tries to call "kitty, kitty, kitty" but is comes out as slobbery jibberish... the same way Karleigh used to say it. She's finally happy to try some solid foods. She's still rarely sleeping through the night but waking once to nurse still. Naps are great though. She's fun and just totally sparkles. It's still crazy to look back and see how much she's changed already and how she's really starting to become her own person who's still generally happy but who also still has no in-between and when she changes attitude there's little to no warning. But we sure do love her!

Me? I'm doing better. The short version is that I did finally make an appointment with my doc. I walked out with a prescription for an antidepressant. One that has great success for PTSD since my symptoms were more consistent with that than PPD actually. And I'm not surprised.
So, I started taking the meds.

And then I stopped.

Sure, my anxiety decreased and I yelled less after just a couple days but that's because I was sleeping. Luckily, I started this at the beginning of Jim's vacation because I could not function by myself on them. All of a sudden I would get so tired that I would HAVE to lie down and sleep. So, I'm taking a different approach with St.John's Wort, various vitamins, *gasp* diet and exercise. It seems to be working and I'm very grateful for that.

It seems crazy how fast this year is going. Thanksgiving, which we're hosting here, is just around the corner and we are nearly done with all of our Christmas shopping, I've taken our family photos and the card is almost done... unless I change my mind. Again. Which I probably will. And the ideas for Karleigh's SEVENTH birthday are being tossed around. It all goes so fast!

October 15th

I did not forget about October 15th yesterday. I lit my candles at 7 pm. I thought about Eli and Collin and all of our other lost babies. I thought about my baby loss momma friends and their babies, some that they got to hold, some that they didn't. And I would love to name them all but nothing hurts like seeing that your baby has been forgotten so I'm going to avoid causing that hurt and hope that they all had feelings of peace and love while specifically setting aside time just for them.

But this year was much different for me. On October 15th Stella also turned 6 months old and I tried to focus a bit more on my present than my past. I had a beautiful mental image and planned to do a balloon release for my past but my present is sick and needed to go to the pediatrician for antibiotics and ear drops for a bad ear infection. An ear infection that I was told, had I waited until Monday it probably would have ruptured. I still think of what might have been every day so I guess, while it is nice to have one day dedicated to our babies, it's not a necessity for me. But I still remember...

Four Letter Word

It's been a while since I've updated anything here, obviously. And the longer I go without updating the more overwhelming it seems... like there are a million things that I want to "talk" about but they all run together and then I kind of think "eh, that's not even interesting". :)

Our last few weeks can be summed up in one four letter word: sick. And not the kind of sick that the 'cool kids' are using instead of the words neat-o or cool. Man I'm getting old. At any rate, sick, sick, sick.

This past month everyone has had a nasty cold, then Karleigh came down with pneumonia and missed a week of school. On her first day back, Rylan got the flu - on his fifth birthday. The next day Stella got a rash all over the trunk of her body that looks kind of like tiny, red baby acne but isn't. She still has her rash has continued to be cranky, not sleeping well and in fact was up from 1:30 to 3:30 early this morning with a fever. I'm thinking maybe we need a trip to the desert while our house gets bleached down. Either that or I just need to put us all in a bubble for a while.

Thankfully, we did get a day of reprieve where everyone was feeling ok and attitudes were really quite good, to celebrate Rylan's 5th Birthday. Last Saturday we had an airplane birthday party for him. My parents came down to celebrate with us and he had a great time. We went to the local air museum and then came back for cake, presents and his favorite pizza. It was fun and relaxing and a very welcome break to everything else that's been going on.

It's kind of hard to realize how fast five years goes. How much they change and learn and grow. We're really proud of him though and are soaking up what could be the last remaining bit of him really needing us for cuddles and hanging out.

Honesty, Hiccups and Hangups

Honestly.
Since my last post I have started to feel a lot better. Not every day is perfect, of course, but I think like I've made progress and I'm more comfortable with the way I feel about everything. Functioning day to day was the number one thing that I needed to get under control and between Jim picking up a bunch of the slack and rest assured, there was a BUNCH of slack to be picked up considering just taking care of the basics was starting to feel overwhelming and taking my vitamins and supplements, the hiccups are coming fewer and further between.
*Hah! I just re-read that and honestly, it was not the functioning day to day that I needed to get under control. It was the anger and temper and the frustration with myself for feeling so out of control when it came to day to day tasks. Big difference. And how in the world can someone be so indecisive but so upset and certain that the decision that was just made was the wrong one? I don't know, but that's where I was.

In hindsight, I know I experienced some of this when Karleigh was little and interestingly enough, to me at least, right around 4-5 months because I know she was sleeping in the nursery by then. I can recall rocking her in just her lamp lit bedroom and thinking "huh... I wonder what would happen if I just let her roll off my lap and onto the floor..." I never once even came close to considering it and I've never had any thoughts of hurting the kids or myself - just to be very blunt about it so there's no lines to read between - but after that questioning thought, I had the disturbing and very unlikely vision of her rolling off my lap, onto the floor with a thud and then continuing across the room and then up and out the bedroom window and down. Cah-Rae-Zee...
It was the only and the last thought that I recall having like that and it freaked me out. And like I said it wasn't me thinking that I could, would, or should do anything like that but just a very "not me" moment. Five months postpartum with Rylan, the "fit hit the shan", so to speak and I honestly don't remember a whole lot about that time. My dad had a stroke, I started on a hormonal birth control for the first time in my life that totally sucked and messed me up so stress and not being myself would be a total understatement and with everything that was going on there's no way possible that I could begin to divide and pinpoint what was what. At any rate...

I had gotten to the point a couple weeks ago, that if I didn't feel any better by "insert date here" that I would be making a call to my OB or to Stella's ped because she also handles adults - great office by the way. It's a good thing that I did start feeling better though because I don't know if I really would have made the call. Just thinking about calling was overwhelming so tell me how in the world women really do get help? If there isn't someone to say "this isn't abnormal but it's not ok, let's deal with it together" what else is there? The anxiety of just calling. Good grief. Luckily, I do have people who checked in with me and said just that, to a point, I may be paraphrasing to save time. :) It was just very hard to deal with those feelings while knowing that, as far as many people were concerned, I had everything that I wanted so I shouldn't feel this irrational way and I should stop complaining about it.

For now though, things are good. Things are actually getting really close to great again! I'm trying to remove any unnecessary drama, get a decent amount of sleep, be more rational about my thoughts and keep up with my vitamins and such. It is nice to feel like the fog has lifted and I'm really grateful that is seems to have just been a great big hiccup along the way.

Since I'm feeling more me again. Well, I've always been me, but the better more like myself me... I realized that I hadn't hardly gotten past but a few pages in Stella's baby book. That too is one of those little things, that turns into a bigger thing, that's been bugging me. What kind of mom just chooses not to fill out the baby book? Granted. I didn't really like any of them that I came across while shopping so I settled on one that was more girly than gender neutral like I have for Karleigh and Rylan. They have gender neutral baby books because that was one of the first purchases for both of them. I wrote in them from fairly early on but this time I could not bring myself to buy a baby book because, you know, when the baby dies, that's just another thing that you have to make room for in the memory box. But I finally bought one not long before Stella was born and it was going well for the first several pages until I got to the page labeled: Mommy and Daddy are Having a Baby. Really? Are you sure? Can you, little book, guarantee that!? So, I got mad at the baby book. Rational much? I ended up not liking the colors and the butterfly decal on the front annoyed me. It didn't even match.

So, I stopped writing in it.

And that made me mad and sad too. My mom doesn't have a baby book and it may very well be because my grandma had the same issues and couldn't get to a place where she was "ok" filling out a baby book for her. 13 months before my mom was born, my grandma had a stillborn son at 8 months and I'm almost positive she didn't have the support that she needed to deal with it. On the other hand, my dad has The. Best. Baby book. Ever! His mom died when he was a young teen but when he was younger, she wrote everything down. She wasn't anal about using the same perfect back pen every time. She didn't stay between the lines. If he said or did something amusing, she wrote it down. As I recall, she wrote about buying his first pair of cowboy boots in red ball point pen. And she kept the ink foot print for sizing. And the receipt too.

I found a new, slightly less taunting baby book, gathered everything together and started over today. That same page that bothered me before says "A Baby is Due!" in this new book. And why does the wording even matter when she is here already? I don't know, but it does. Sure, there's the hangup of how to fill out the sibling section. Do I? or Don't I? include Eli and Collin. I haven't. I don't want to scare the kids when they think about having their own babies, yet at the same time, I also don't want them to feel alone if, heaven forbid, they do have to deal with some of this.

So, soon I will be heading back to the dining room to continue filling out the information for the first five months of Miss Stella's life. And I will feel good about doing it!

It's not you, it's me

It's why I've been quiet. I kept it 'real' before so I might as well continue...

The thing I feared most about finally having our "rainbow baby" seems to be raising its ugly head. And it's beyond humiliating to admit that after everything we went though to get her here I'm having a very hard time with it... not with her, just with everything else. I seem to have zero coping skills, anger quickly, sleeping is an issue both getting there and getting enough and with there being no other way to put it nicely, I'm generally pissed off most of the time. Just great.

For someone who hasn't been here before I'm feeling quite defeated. I should be happy and drowning in a sea of bliss with an adorable, happy baby in my arms. I have the baby part but the sea feels more like an abyss and then the guilt cycle starts. I know that I have friends* who would give anything to have their Rainbow. And I'm sure that there is already judgment being passed down because the high of the 'baby moon' is over. Feeling this way was acceptable when it was grief. Feeling like this... for no reason, is not. Especially to those around me who think I should just get over it or ride it out or it will pass or quit being a baby and suck it up. Nice. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror or hear the words that come out of my mouth or the tone of my voice, 90% of the time.

I feel like I'm being dragged in multiple directions... but I'm not really. I certainly don't have much on my plate. I have one job, maybe two... a mom and a wife and I feel like I'm pretty much sucking at both of those right now. Don't get me wrong, the kids are clean and fed and safe. Anyway, I could go on and on I suppose, trying to explain but since I don't understand it, I don't expect anyone else to.

I probably won't be back to post much here until I get through this because honestly, this part of it is not going to make me a better person or teach me any valuable lesson, it just sucks and I really don't feel like remembering much about it. I'll still continue to post on my 365 blog since it doesn't involve much emotion but here, here I can't seem to get away from it.

*Friends, in reality, is quite an exaggerated term. People who I've 'met' online would be more accurate though I consider them friends I have come to realize that the term "friend" is not always reciprocal. I tend to refer to people as "friends" because it takes less time to explain than "this person that posts on the same board as I do... oh, you don't know what an online board is? well, it's this place where..." or "this person that I knew in high school, um, 15 years ago..." or "this person that used to be part of the same playgroup..." so in really looking at it, I don't have many friends. I had a few people who I thought were good friends and most of them freaked and walked out a couple years ago. That was sad. I understand that it's awkward dealing with that kind of stuff over and over again but a real friend would have stuck it out. I also realize that I tend to think of being better friends with people than they actually see me as being. (boo-hoo, poor me right?) Again just keeping the picture clear.

Three-Sixty-Five

I know. I'm so not original. That said, I've jumped on the 365 bandwagon but I've decided to start it on a different blog because I want to be able to keep it all in one place and every time I log into this blog, I still have trouble kicking all of the emotion that lead me to start this blog in the first place.

I've only posted 2 entries so far, so... it's pretty short right now. But it is what it is - a challenge to blog and post a photo every single day (a bit different than the 365 photo challenge where I'm often left wondering "what's the story behind that photo?") and I'm going to try to keep it nice and light. If you have a 365 blog that you'd like me to link to or follow just let me know and if you've been thinking of starting one... what are you waiting for!? With back to school and the approaching fall, I thought this would be a great time of year to get things going again!

See you on the other side!


You can click the button and link up to the new blog and as this post moves down, I'll keep the button in my side bar as well.

C'est la vie!

Hey so that "I can't wait for school to be out so I can enjoy the slow pace of summer" thing, yah that didn't work out exactly like I imagined. Sadly, I didn't take into account that 98% of the time, I would not get a nap out of both big kids - really, I think it was 2% of the time... they all napped at the same time a total of once this summer. C'est la vie!

Or perhaps that's just an excuse for not blogging hardly at all this summer. Pathetic. School starts in less than two weeks for Karleigh. Rylan starts in less than a month.

First things first, Stella hit her 4 month mark almost 2 weeks ago! Simply put - she's awesome. I've been trying, for her monthly photos, to take something different each month while documenting her personality or a milestone. This is her 4 month photo:

She loves her big brother and sister and also loves to support her weight on her legs. It allows her to get upright and see the world. Sitting would be a logical position as well but I have spent the last month joking about how sitting would be so much easier for her if her big ol' noggin didn't constantly tip her over. I didn't realize how right I was about that.

Stella's 4 month stats:
Weight: 15 pounds 7 ounces
Length: 24 1/4 inches
And a head circumference has been steadily increasing and is now off the charts. Big. Ol'. Noggin.

We are officially not at a "let's worry about that" phase but if, at her 6 month appointment, her head is still increasing at such a rapid pace, she will most likely undergo a head ultrasound. Ultrasound first to see if the benefit of exposing her to all the radiation of a CT scan would outweigh the risks. I'm already working overtime to keep my anxiety in check. It would worry me more, however, if she was having issues with reaching her milestones. But she's not. She's rolling over both ways, practicing sitting, smiling, laughing, putting everything that she can grab in her mouth, moving toys from one had to the other, playing with her toes... everything that she should be doing.

___________________________________________

I'm thinking of starting a new challenge for myself... a blog/photo 365 challenge??? I'm just trying to decide if I'm going to do it here or on a second blog that I link back to here. I've noticed that lately, when I blog, I have left so much time in between posts that there are about a million and one things that I want to touch on so it gets very scattered and boring... and that's to ME! I can't imagine the yawn factor for anyone else. Plus, I always prefer blog posts with photos so that may be a good way to work it all in. Left to my own devices, I've found that I've got very little... but that's partly due, I'm sure to other things going on. I sit down to write these days and it tends to flow as freely as mud stuck behind a log jam!

You are My Sunshine...

...of course she isn't my ONLY sunshine but at this moment she's the only one who doesn't pull her shirt over her head or close her eyes when she sees the camera or have a big fat lip from falling out of her bed and onto a big pile of books the other night :) and she was having a particularly cute several minutes after waking up from a great 3 hour nap this afternoon that earned her rock star status in my book!

Time, it is a flyin'!

I should have expected as much with the summer and three kiddos but still, I'm feeling a bit blindsided by how fast this summer is going (even though some of the days have seemed pretty long..). We've started our back-to-school shopping and with a glance around the property, you can tell that, before too long, this summer will be but a memory!

The blogging over the last few weeks has certainly taken a backseat to everything else going on. The short version... the weather has been less than summery, the big kids are missing school, Auntie Lacey is back stateside after 3 years in England (Uncle Mark will be back before we know it!) so she was here for about 2 weeks and life has just been going on and on and it seems that Stella is still changing every single day. It both been crazy and relaxing at the same time.

While Lacey was here, we went to the wildlife refuge, we shopped, we ate out, we shopped, we got coffee, we had a movie night, we shopped, we went to the park and the zoo, we got our hair cut, we shopped... you get the idea. I worked a bit at bringing "me" back along side the mom part of me and it was invaluable to have another opinion besides that of a 6 year old!

I have hardly had a chance to go through my pics and honestly, we spent most of the time visiting and enjoying each other and though we tried to get a few good pics, it seemed rare that everyone was "on" at the same time. Oh well!

The big kids, like I said, are missing school. They are both quite smart (every parent thinks that though) - at 4 1/2 Rylan has figured out how to read which is his big summer accomplishment. But even with this, he's also spending much of his time trying to keep his mind busy. He's not reading enough to where he can just sit with a book and read. I'm looking forward to that time though! You can just see everything clicking away in his little mind which is great. However, at the same time, when he gets bored he gets a bit... um... difficult. Not a trouble maker or a bad kid by any stretch of the imagination just different than what we've been used to with him. He was an easy baby, a mellow toddler for the most part so this phase (that has seemed pretty long) has been kind of draining for me. He's very sweet but is also really experimenting with exerting his independence, voicing his opinions and testing his boundaries and our consistency. That's normal and to be expected but I'm having a very hard time figuring out what his currency is and trust me, I feel like I've tried everything. On the bright side he's not testing us 100% of the time so we do still have fun with him!

Karleigh's very helpful with Stella and Rylan. She likes to feel important, just like everyone, so keeping her helping around the house keeps her happy. Give her a bunch of Clorox wipes, a dust rag and a broom and we're golden. She however is going through a (what we perceive as irrational) fears phase. She doesn't like to be alone, inside or outside. She doesn't like the dark or the sound of the toilet flushing. She's quite the little environmentalist and things that she loved last year, now terrify her. I'm not exaggerating. While Lacey was here, we had a bob cat wander through the field just below the house. She loved seeing it but at the same time, it totally freaked her out. She ended up crying while trying to go to sleep because she couldn't let the thought of the bob cat go. The next day she woke up and was covered in a hive like, blotchy rash. Anxiety induced. We looked up videos of bob cats purring on the internet, talked about how grandma has had several students bring in bob cats for show-and-tell throughout the years, how she's seen them at the zoo before, how they are very shy predators... she woke up the next morning totally fine. However, we're dealing with similar fears again because we have a confirmed black bear on the property as well too. I feel it's important that they know not to be afraid but what to do if they do happen to see the bear while they are outside. I feel to NOT educate them would be negligent, no different than teaching water safety if you live on or are around the water... stranger danger in the city... it's just part of living where we do. Last year she was IN LOVE with the black bears we saw at Glacier and Bear Haven. She would. not. sleep until we put Stella down in their room. Although just the other afternoon, as we were setting things up to move Stella into their room, Karleigh got teary because she was afraid that Stella would stop breathing while she was sleeping in there. *sigh* ...too much for a 6 1/2 year old to be thinking about. So, I need to figure out how to help her work through these fears. I remember being afraid to crawl into bed when it was dark for fear of "something" grabbing my ankles or being afraid to go into the downstairs bedroom of this house in the dark, but that's because one night my grandpa "peek-a-boo'd" right in the window and I totally didn't expect it at all. So, now I've got to try to figure out how to help her work through this anxiety.

Little Miss Stella is just blossoming. I think there's something to the idea that it's more like 4 trimesters... I know, mathematically, that doesn't make sense but the idea is that they really start to show their personalities and get more physically active after the 3 month mark. Yes a few days ago, she moved into the room with Karleigh and as far as she's concerned, that's been a seamless transition. She's still sleeping from 11 or so until around 8am. She's also napping in there and I'm thrilled to say that I'm even able to put her down awake but drowsy and have her sleep!

She's babbling and belly laughing, rolling and taking everything in around her. We got her a jumperoo yesterday and she loves it. I love that it gives me a few more minutes to get a few things done around the house and it doesn't add to the bald spot on the back of her head like playing on the floor does!

I was so funny to see the way she looked at Jim once he got it put together and set her in it. She kept looking at him like "THIS!?! All of this for me???" Cutest thing ever!

All in all, we've done a few fun things around here. We'll be heading up to my parent's house in a few days and then it's back down here for doctors and dentist appointments and getting ready for school to start! It feels like before we know it, I'll be posting Halloween pics!

3 months

It seems that I was just posting the photo and announcing Stella's safe arrival and now she's three months old. The joy certainly hasn't faded at all and we fall more in love with her every day!

I mean really, how could we not?!?

So what's Stella like at 3 months?
She's weighing in at about 14 pounds
She squeals with delight and also just to hear herself "talk"
She's really working onto a good, predictable schedule and is a great sleeper at night but a fairly light sleeper for naps
She's full of smiles and readily shares them
She rarely fusses.
She goes from "chill" to... um... not, with very little warning
She loves to cuddle with blankets and nibble on the corners


She is still not a fan of tummy time but can now, purposefully, roll herself right over. She's rolled a number of times from tummy to back but mostly because she's gotten up high enough for her big ol' noggin to pull her over but today it's been with purpose every time!

The weather has been so great so we've all been spending a lot of time outside and enjoying the vitamin D. Karleigh is feeling much, much better after being sick for almost a full week.

And Rylan, well he's just being his goofy self =)

July!

It's July in the Pacific Northwest... which means that the summer weather arrived right after the 4th of July. It's a running joke that summer starts on the 5th of July, but that's usually pretty accurate. We're a third of the way into it and it really feels like we're in the swing of summer things. The a/c is in, the shades have been pulled far too much the last few days, the freezer is stocked with Otter Pops, ice cream and ice disks for our shaved ice maker thingy. We are weak. We are wimps. Our weather took about a 40 degree swing in 3 days time. From 60 to 100... that's tough on the body.

Anyway, here is just a peek into what's been going on:

Karleigh turned 6 1/2 on the 1st. I like to mark the "half's" for her since there's so much other stuff, with the holidays, around her birthday. She has really grown up so much!

We spent the 4th of July at our house again this year. Even when it's only 60 degrees, there's still anxiety being away from the place with all the fields + fireworks. My parents came down and we all headed out to the farm where we go pumpkin picking. They were celebrating the 100th birthday of the farm (ours is 101 but who's counting!?!). They had the log house open to walk through, some logging photos, the black smith shop running, a hay ride to a steam logging exhibition and then a woods walk. The big kids loved it, my parents seemed to enjoy themselves, Stella slept through the whole thing so we, for sure, file that in the win column. We spent a good 4 hours there and then headed home for dinner and fireworks.

With the sun shining bright and the temperatures on the rise, I was finally able to dry diapers outside on the line. I find it such a calming sight - it is possible that I'm nuts, I know - and the sun is like magic for brightening and whitening and doesn't cost a cent. However, after the inserts were dry, I did tumble them in the dryer because dang they were crunchy!

We also got the inflatable pool set up for the kids and they are thrilled to have it up again. Sadly, Karleigh hasn't gotten to use it as much as she has wanted because she's been sick for the last few days. She had a chest cold combined with allergies then on the 4th complained of her tummy feeling yucky but said that the Tums I gave her helped. She ended up a full blown sicko on the 7th and now, on the 10th is finally on the mend. She threw up so much, lost at least 4 pounds and managed to pull a muscle in her hip from all the rolling over on her side to throw up. She's moving pretty slow because of that and her totally worked over stomach muscles but the attitude is one thousand times better so she's on the upswing.

Stella's gotten to enjoy the pool a few times too once the sun goes down behind the trees. There's just something about tiny bathing suits that makes me so happy!

And today here I sit, reflecting on not only the last 2 1/2 years, as we approach the due dates for the boys... Collin's tomorrow and Eli's in a few weeks... but also the last 11 years as Jim and I celebrate our 11th Wedding Anniversary today. It's a day that I remember so well, like yesterday almost, yet the shock sets in a bit when I look at how young we looked - not that we're THAT old now - but to see our little flower girl now a high school student, our ring bearer a legal adult and all the other changes that have happened in the lives of not just us but our wedding party, it does put it into perspective.

Happy Anniversary to the greatest husband. I'm not sure that anyone else would have been able to go through this journey with me without so much as a hiccup in the relationship. I'd have to say that our marriage is very blessed!

Poor Neglected Blog

I'm a bit torn when it comes to blogging.

Number one, I am spending my "free" time being a mom to a 6 1/2 year old, a 4 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 month old. There has been the rare occasion that they are all napping/resting at the same time but the emphasis is on RARE. And when they are, I turn into a freakish house cleaner. Sadly, as soon as they awake, it seems that all the hard work was for not. And also, blogging one handed takes a really long time!

Number two, this blog was a safe place to share my thoughts and feelings about dealing with pregnancy loss and infertility that it seems a bit strange to share the thoughts of "good" things and for it to be a daily "what's up!" kind of blog. I feel sad for my friends who haven't been able to go down this part of the road yet. I'm trying to decide if I should just get over that or start a new "happy" blog???

Number three, the good weather has finally, sort of, arrived in the Pacific Northwest so we've been trying to get out and about. We also had Jim's parents in town for a while and visited my parents and Seattle for a Mariners vs. Cubs game, etc.

Now that that's out in the open, hopefully I will be better at keeping caught up... or not, we'll see! The good news is that I also tend to blog less when I feel like I'm in a good place, so I really shouldn't be complaining that I haven't been writing a lot. :)

2 Months!

It's almost hard to believe that Miss Stella is already two month's old. But, she is!

A bit about this time for Stella:
- weighs 11 pounds 15 ounces
- 23 inches in length
- loves to smile and squeal with delight
- will cough or squeak to get your attention
- sleeps about 8 hours per night, usually from 11pm until 7am
- very chill and loves to be held and/or worn and cuddled
- doesn't really love tummy time so she'll push herself up and roll over to her back or plant her forehead into the floor and screech
- won't take any pacifier but will suck on our finger or her hand
- she adores her brother and sister and the feeling is mutual

Almost Wordless Wednesday...

Love this little girl and the personality that is starting to shine through!

It's Normal

I know what I went through yesterday was totally normal mommy stuff. I'm sure it won't be the last time that I feel like a parental failure. And it's not even so much that I feel like a failure but that I feel like I was being looked at as a failure or that I must be hiding some big bad secret about our home life. Nope. I'm a pretty open book and I think that my kids have it pretty good. I just wish that the thought that maybe the stress isn't coming from home, maybe it's coming from school would have been considered. Or maybe he's just a 4 year old little boy with a lot of little boy energy. I used to suck on my hair. I chew the skin on the sides of my fingers. I can't just sit and be still. I have to be reading or researching or working on something. Sometimes I can't find the words that I want. My mind is always going. Jim bounces his feet. He twirls hair. He bites his fingernails. We tend to be the type of people that need something to do. I guess our little apple just doesn't fall too far from the tree. Anyway, he's done with school on June 11th and doesn't start back until September 20th. Over three months of vacation that we can work on redirecting some of that energy and his speech. We'll probably let him chew a bunch of gum and play the copy cat game a lot. He enjoys both of those...

So, we're just normal.

Today it poured down rain. Again. I know we live in the lush, green Pacific Northwest but man we've really had a very cold, wet spring. When I was still pregnant with Stella, I had all these little day dreams about having her outside while I weeded, or put her in the shade while I soaked up some vitamin D... those days have been few and far between and instead they've been spent doing lots and lots of laundry and dishes and cleaning up toys over and over again because we're just not getting much outdoor time at all. I was doing dishes again this afternoon and just had to laugh. I had the washer and dryer going, Stella strapped on, was doing dishes, listening to the ipod and as much as there was going on, I felt oddly centered and calm. I thought "I bet I look like a total loon." Standing and bouncing the baby while singing (poorly I'm sure) her to sleep and attempting to scrub dried on oatmeal out of bowls... I decided to set my camera on the dining room table and set the timer. It's funny to me that I don't even want to forget the mundane things...

If this is the anxiety provoking stress and chaos, I don't think I want to "fix" it.

Suck

Tonight is a sucky mommy night.

The short version is: I had Rylan's IEP meeting today. Not "we" because, understandably, they didn't want Rylan to sit through it so Jim was at home waiting for the buses. It was just your basic, see what his improvements were this year and talk about the plan for next year. He's on an IEP for speech and his speech IS improving. This time last year, he had 36 phenome errors. This year he had 19 during the assessment. He's still having trouble with his blended sounds, he drops his s's quite often, etc. etc. none of it came as a surprise to me but it was nice to see the actual number improve. So, yay! Great job Rylan and good job Speech Language Pathologist!

He's very intelligent, gets along with others, has incredible fine motor skills...

But... "you know, he licks his lips, stutters, chews on his fingers and clothes, blinks his eyes a lot, has a tough time keeping his voice at a reasonable volume..." Um, yah. We've noticed that a. lot. and I guess I asked for it when I requested that we address ways to help him diminish those nervous activities. So instead they just repeated what they told me when I asked about how to help those things earlier... 1)respond to what he is saying NOT how he is saying it 2) give him your attention when he has something to say 3) get down on his level 4) reduce stress/discipline. Here's the thing... we do all of that all the time unless he's interrupting and that should be expected. Plus that's one of the areas he needs to work on when we discussed social skills, but I digress...

As the SLP elaborated, the solution that I heard: quit being so tough on him, don't send him to timeout so much (doesn't matter what he's doing, pick just one thing that is punishable - ok, right, so timeout for hitting but I guess we'll just allow the spitting, yelling, talking back, throwing toys, kicking the dog, ignoring us, being defiant - he's 4, trust me, the list goes on) stop stressing him out at home, make sure things around him are peaceful and organized and calm...

It's a good thing that calm, mellow Stella was sitting so quietly in her infant seat as usual.
Oh wait, that's right... she screamed.
the.
entire.
time.

She started crying as soon as I set her down. So I took her out and she started fussing and crying louder. The principal (who was the district representative for the meeting) took her and walked her around the classroom while the other two talked to me but she just got herself all worked up.
By the end of the meeting, I was sweating like a pig and just wanted to sob with her. Instead, we calmly walked back to the van and I let her suck ;)

Anyway, they're cutting him back to 3 days a week next year... speech days and library day. If the schedule is the same as this year, that means Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons. After some thought, I'm actually OK with that. It'll give us some non-Karleigh time (which has proven to be very good for him since she's a "tad" bossy) plus, that'll be two week days that I'll be able to get Karleigh off to school in the morning and not have to worry about getting home until almost 4pm. It will be fine. Plus, things need to change around here. I don't know how, I feel like I've tried everything but you know... if timeouts are out...

*cough cough* perhaps IEP meetings should not be attended when you're six weeks postpartum... mom could be a little hormonal. But it's there in black and white, hormones or not.

I feel like such a sucky mom. He's smart as a whip because HE'S smart. He has speech problems because of things that I'M doing wrong.

Awesome.

Wordless Wednesday

Oh... it's not Wednesday huh? Yah. I was hoping no one would notice. :) Hopefully it's a great Thursday!

Being Thursday, Stella's now 5 weeks or 35 days old... that sounds younger right? What's she up to? She's becoming more animated and starting to chunk up. I do think she's just about the cutest 10 pound bundle out there. Her eyes are getting lighter, her hair is filling in, her days are spent more awake though she's got a great schedule going on already (all her doing, I would have no idea how to put a kiddo on a schedule and probably wouldn't even try). She's sleeping anywhere between 6 1/2 and 7 1/2 hours straight at night. I certainly don't take the fact that I've been blessed with 3 really great sleepers for granted. She thoroughly enjoys the outdoors but at this point is much more content walking/hiking than she is to just lie out on a blanket. Could be that there's some slight fear for her own life between the the two bigguns and the dog bouncing all around her... but who's to say? ;-) She gets the hiccups every day and isn't a fan of them. She enjoys her swing when she just wants to chill but would prefer to snuggle. She loves listening to stories and hates pacifiers - if you know how the big kids were you're probably thinking "wha? wha? WHAT?!?" Yes it's true. Detests them. Spits them out and glares at the offender. She however loves to suck on an index finger or mommy... and I'm a pretty slow one handed typer but this blog post is proof that it can be done. She's awesome.

The big kids have 20 days of school left - not that they're counting... and then the summer fun can start. It's been hard to get out much this year with a bus coming at around 11, one at 12, one returning close to 3 and the other at 4. The kids sat down yesterday and wrote a "summer ideas" list of things both big and small from jumping rope to go to the beach. I really don't want to hear a lot of "I'm bored!" this summer. So, we'll check out some new parks in the county and hopefully get out a lot more than we have during the school year. But that's the point of summer vacation isn't it?

Also, if we get out more... perhaps these blog posts won't be so dang boring!

Catching Up

Snuggling... sure doesn't leave a whole lot of time for blogging! Although I always seem to find just enough time for Facebook...

Life with Stella is still a wonderful blessing. (of course it is!) We have slipped into a routine that works for us and feels totally natural and like it's the way it always should have been. That part leaves me feeling a bit strangely conflicted at times. I'm SO glad to have her here. She fits wonderfully into our family. That doesn't mean that I'm "glad" for all the losses that we went through but at the same time I know that without them, she wouldn't be here. That's where the conflict lies. I also feel like (and I really shouldn't let this next part bother me at. all.) but I do feel like people may look at this and think "gee, you've totally forgotten the boys and the others. Well, no I haven't, but I really don't want to miss one single moment of "what IS" pining over "what COULD have been".

I think because of what we've gone through, we are a bit more thankful, joyful, and bonded to Stella than if we hadn't gone through it all. Sure, she's (living) baby number three but far from the 'oops!' that someone at the grocery store might assume and we're far from the 'baby making machines' that someone at the park might scoff at. We fought long and hard for her. Because of that fight I find that I'm much more patient with her. I don't grumble when she needs to eat in the middle of the night (although she's also treating me quite kindly and sleeping really well. She went from 11pm - 5:30am this morning... until I prodded her to make sure she was still breathing) so I'm sure that not being exhausted helps my coping skills. Anyway, I am really enjoying every little thing about her. Being a more experienced momma and really working so hard to get her here has been a good (mental) combination for me. But a bad combination for blogging! ;-)

As you might imagine, Mother's Day this year was so nice... a sigh of relief really. The weather was beautiful, Stella started passing out little grins first thing in the morning which was an incredible gift. Jim gave me some flowers, Karleigh made a card and a bookmark, Rylan made a card and a couple of magnets (love the handmade gifts!) and my momma got me a darling Coach purse perfect for spring and summer. I know, right!?! It was so much better than last year when I ended up crying myself to sleep.

I've just been spending a whole lot of time doing... nothing. We cuddle. A. Lot! I'm trying to stay on top of the house work though I will confess that laundry is tough for me to keep up with so I haven't been using our cloth diapers as much as I had hoped but now that she's getting a bit bigger we'll be able to use them more. (fingers crossed!)

It's really strange to be moving on from such a long chapter of our lives. We've basically been thinking "kids" since we were married almost 11 years ago. It is strange knowing that we (probably) won't have another pregnancy and each day we move one day further away from labor and delivery and all things newborn. Granted, she IS still a newborn but she changes and grows every day. I'm just going to continue working on doing my best to embrace every single moment and appreciate the excitement of moving forward and watching her grow and change.

I'm hoping to share some more pics asap, Stella's getting a set of cheeks on her, Karleigh's finally growing in that other front tooth and Rylan is just cute as usual!

Changes

It's really incredible how much can happen in one little week, the changes that take place, the growth...

This last week Stella had her 2 week appointment. She weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces and was 20 1/2 inches long. That's a gain of 8 ounces and 1/4 inch. Not too shabby for 14 days of growth! The day before her 2 week appointment she had a photo shoot which was an absolute blast. A gal who I've known for 4 years now offered to bring her props out and we both got some really cute shots along with me getting to have some grown up chit-chat. It was much appreciated. This is one where we used the doll cradle, from the girls' room, that my great grandpa made and our family has passed down.

The big kids are doing really well with Stella. Rylan's going through a bit of an acting out, crazy boy phase but that started before Stella arrived. Karleigh's been a bit more emotional but really, they're doing quite well all things considered. Having a new baby in the house is a big adjustment for them, it could be going so much worse.

Stella changes every. single. day. This week... she stayed awake for longer periods during the day, met her Uncle David and her great aunt and uncle, started giving us one good 5 hour stretch of sleep at night, successfully took her first pumped bottle, went to her first Daisy Scout meeting, she grew teeny tiny eyelashes...

...and gained her new belly button...

So, What's It Like?

I know that's the question that would run through my head when I would read about my friends and their rainbow babies / take home babies. For me? It's totally amazing, incredible, wonderful, blissful...

Seriously. I love it. I love her!

Honestly, I had a lot of anxiety that I might have bonding issues, or emotional issues, or that the grief would all come rushing back. It hasn't been like that at all, thankfully. I mean if it was like that, I would work through it but I feel very blessed to not have to, and so thankful that I can just enjoy Stella and the miracle that she is. OK... I did have to choke back tears as we were walking in the house for the first time. The sun was shining, we were buzzed by two hummingbirds and Jim said "Say hi to your brothers, Stella!" And also as we climbed the stairs to bed that first night. More so for the fact that without all the loss I wouldn't have been snuggling our day old daughter at that point but there was also a small pang of grief in my gut. With a sigh, it lifted.

Transitioning her into our family has been pretty easy. The "big kids" were a bit off for the first couple days but I chalk that up to being tired as much as anything else. Now, 12 days later, they're helpful and back to their "normal" selves. We'll keep normal in quotes :) Stella's a mellow, easy going kid so far. She generally lets us sleep in 4 hour stretches at night and naps for a couple hours at a time during the day. Nursing is going really well which is a relief since I was so taken aback when, after a great experience with Karleigh, Rylan was so difficult.

I realized that I don't think I mentioned that her hear murmur was undetectable by the pediatrician on her second day. So we were very, very thankful for that. Our newest concern with her is that when she spits up, it often comes out her nose and/or she chokes it back down. She sounds stuffy quite often but that's probably from the spit-up. She sneezes a ton, again probably the spit up. She's generally a really happy, content baby so I'm hoping it's really just newborn-getting-used-to-the-outside-world stuff and not something more like reflux or a milk protein allergy but those are both on my radar right now and I've been praying about it.

But really, she's simply wonderful and everything about our new family feels really, really perfect.

What a Week!

I didn't know it was possible for a week to go by with such great speed. I realized that I should probably write down Stella's birth story before I forget the details. I could, and HAVE, just spent hours on end holding and snuggling her without any regard to time. I do wish it would slow down just a little bit (I guess that makes up for all the times I wished time would speed up).


Wednesday night, April 14th, my water broke on its own a little after 10pm. I was lying in bed but on blankets because I had just been feeling "off" the whole day. I had spent the last 2 weeks with off and on contractions that would be around 5 minutes apart but after 6 hours or so, they would peter out. But on the 14th, emotionally I just felt different too. It was actually a bit of a depressive state which was odd. Anyway, after my water broke I came straight downstairs and Jim was headed up. He said that he heard me jump off the bed and knew that something was up. So, we gathered our things, I called my friend Jamie who had so graciously offered to take Karleigh and Rylan regardless of the hour. I called my mom and let her know. Turns out that she would be able to get a sub for her class but only if she needed her on Thursday, Friday or Monday. That worked out well! Then we called the hospital to let them know we'd be heading in. Jim woke the kids. Karleigh sprung out of bed totally excited. Rylan looked at him said "OK", rolled over and went back to sleep. :) We walked out to the van, Karleigh holding my hand and telling me I could squeeze it if I had a contraction. And that's when I had my first one. Since we didn't lolly gag around like I did when my water broke with Rylan, the ride to the hospital was actually not all that uncomfortable for once! They were probably about 5-6 minutes apart but not too terribly strong yet. We got the kids to Jamie's house and she had set up a whole area in the living room for them to try to sleep.

We checked into L&D at 11:15pm. Everything was ready for us. My nurse commented that she would need to do a pH test just to make sure it was my water and then she laughed and said "yah, I'm not going to need that" as she checked me out a bit more. I KNEW there was a reason I was so uncomfortably huge those last couple weeks! We sat on the monitor a bit, got checked out and I was around 4 cm so I decided to walk the halls for a while. Believe it or not, this type A, have everything planned out, person did not go into this delivery with a single plan in place. I had a few thoughts in the back of my head but my birth plan merely consisted of "get her here, alive". Anyway, I labored for a while on my own, with tons of kudos from the nurses, but ultimately I opted for the epidural. I wanted everything in place in case of an emergency. It is a bit sad how history played a part in how it went but my ONLY goal was Stella's safe arrival. I got my epidural around 2am and my mom showed up just as he was finishing up. My contraction pattern was great on its own so I didn't need any pitocin which was nice. For the next few hours, Jim cat-napped and mom and I chatted and tried to rest a bit (yah, right!).

Around 6:45 I decided it was baby time. Pushing though my first contraction felt a bit useless. I could feel it all in my face and I knew that wasn't where I needed to be pushing. We let a second contraction pass and then I pushed through the next three contractions. Between the second and the third, I could hear the nurse on my right side, talking to a nursing student about heart rate decels, I turned and looked at the heart rate tracing and my head went to "that place". Needless to say, Stella was born at 7:00am with the next contraction. :) She was beautiful, and cheesy, and had a ton (speaking from a baldy) of almost black hair.

And she was perfect...

(don't forget to pause the music at the bottom before you click play and sorry about the format difference between the way I created it and the way Blogger publishes it... good gravy! it took me way. too. long. to figure the video portion out!)

Welcome Stella Claire!

Stella Claire

April 15th, 2010

7:00am

7 pounds 13 ounces

20 1/4" long

She is beautiful (and has a ton of nearly black hair under that hat!) and happy and everything that we had hoped for and more. We are drinking up every new moment with her and looking forward to the future with such joy. She does have a small heart murmur that we are praying will resolve itself and I'm not going to worry unless I'm told that there's something to worry about. I will write up her birth story in the next few days (mainly so I don't forget!) but right now we are relaxing, getting ready to eat a little cheesecake and then turn in for the night.

This is bliss!

It's Been a Week?

Hum, looks like it's been a week since I last posted.
What a slacker.
You would think that I'd have time to blog since I'm basically just sitting around here waiting for Stella to quit teasing me and make her entrance into this world. Because really? That's. All. I've. Been. Doing. But also doing it in a very hermit crab sort of way. Hard to explain.

We survived Spring Break. Which really was a blessing because the weather was quite cold, and wet, and just yucky. We spent nearly the entire time inside watching movies, playing games, etc. etc. Jim had to work the whole week so we really couldn't go anywhere and I wouldn't have gone far anyway since I've been having prodromal labor for over a week now. That's just a nice way of saying, "lots of contractions with zero action". However, when it gets going it still wears me out and keeps me wondering, "is THIS it this time?" So far? No.

My mom had her Spring Break this week so she came down for a couple of days and got to enjoy our snow. I know. Snow. April. Blah. For the last several days it has snowed all morning long and then the sun has come out in the afternoon.

Of course this leaves me thinking about little Stella's come home outfit... which isn't exactly snow friendly. Of course it really doesn't matter but I decided that I wanted to get a little knit/crochet beanie, ideally with a little flower on it to match her outfit. While walking the mall yesterday, before my appointment, I did find a cute one at particular larger retailer but A) wasn't ready to fork over $26 for B) a hat that didn't match and C) was going to be too big for a newborn. It was cute though. So we just continued to walk the mall and I beat myself up about how I should have just ordered one from Etsy several days ago blah, blah, blah. Anyway, the mall walking was getting uncomfortable and we were getting close to my appointment time so we just headed over to the docs office which is connected to the hospital.
And got there way too early.
So we decided to make sure that we know where we need to go when since I was in a total fog the last time I was there. When we got to the correct floor there was a little baby only gift shop, separate from the regular hospital gift shop. Aha! Surely they have a cute little hat. So we went in and looked around but still didn't really see what I had been looking for. But then, there on the counter was a box of hats, the perfect size. And one the perfect color.
"Excellent! How much is this one?"
"It's free"
"Really?"
"Yup, go ahead and take it now!"
"Serious?"
"Yup, the church ladies bring them in by the bag full"

Love this little hat. I added the flower to it after we got home.

So cool! So we got our hat and headed off to my appointment. No weight gain this week. BP is still good and although I was hoping for 'more' after days of contractions and walking the mall, I was at 3cm and about 50% effaced or so. More waiting. Of course he thinks that once things start they're going to go very fast which is the part that has me kind of anxious because after all this on again, off again stuff, I'm really worried about waiting too long to see if it's for real! I'm sure it will all work out in the end and if not, well, then at least I'll have an interesting story to tell!

Friday Fotos!

I don't have a whole lot to say. Clearly, "baby" is just about all that's on my mind now that I'm technically full term and more pregnant at this point that I ever was with Rylan. Now begins the guessing game of "was that a real contraction or not?" and wondering when it's going to happen.

I'm so glad to have Spring Break just about over. It's been nice not having to worry about getting the kids ready for school and on and off their buses but the weather has just not been cooperative so they've been inside far too much and everyone is getting on everyone elses nerves. They actually start out pretty good for a while but it can quickly decline. Honestly, I'm sure they're picking up on my nerves as well so I'm having to try really, really hard to be more willing to put up with their antics but... I'm tired and I'm sure there's been too much yelling from me too. And honestly, at this point, it's actually more like they're teaming up against me. I guess that's better than them being at each others throats all day long. They are ready to get back to school though as they both check the calender every morning and remind me of the count-down throughout the day.

There is still lots of this:

which quickly turns into this:

so I really can't complain! (and in fairness, these are from yesterday, not today)

A little bit from the baby/pregnancy department... I had an appointment on Wednesday where we talked about the itching, since it's not just normal belly itching, Dr. C was on-top of things and sent me down for blood work to check my liver functions and had the results the next day. Good news is, everything came back normal so it's just some weird hormonal itching I suppose.

Impatient!

I'm an impatient person. There. Now that that's out of the way!

I'm really looking forward to the end of this long, long journey. I've said it before and I will say it again... I'm not trying to wish time away but considering I've been pregnant for almost 2 1/2 years straight, I'm so ready for the sleep deprivation that a new little one brings as opposed to the stress and worry and anxiety. We're ready for her when she is. Diapers are prepped, tiny clothes are washed, cradle is set up in our room, infant seat is installed in the van... yup, I think we've pretty much got it all under control.

My body is getting pretty tired too, as is to be expected at this point. Stella's feeling pretty big to me and my tummy feels stretched to the point where it's just as solid as can be. The last two nights have also given me the gift of extreme itchiness - hands, feet, arms, belly, back, scalp. Weird stuff. I have to wonder if it isn't cholestasis and I'll ask at my appointment on Wednesday. Benadryl doesn't help the itching but it does knock me out enough that I'm able to get a couple hours of sleep in there until I have to get up and use the bathroom. And then there's the rolling over in bed. I often feel like a semi-truck trying to make a 12 point turn in the middle of a one lane road. Other than that though, I really have felt pretty good... not good enough to go on like this forever though :)

The kids are on Spring Break this week and it's been pouring down rain. The last nice day was the day that I was stuck inside with the flu. We've had lots of tea parties, played games, rotated out toys - they played with Little People today! puzzles, movies, stories. I've also been making sure that they take some quiet time in their own rooms. They're used to having a break from each other (and me) and it really does help keep the attitudes in line. During rest time today, I decided to take my 36 week picture... a bit late but better than nothing. Holy cow I feel like I look huge compared to just 2 weeks ago!

When she's ready, we'll get to meet her and I'm really, really looking forward to it!

This & That...

What a week.

I was on a roll for accomplishing so much and feeling really good about it. I finally got our bags packed for the hospital, most of the house projects are done now, Karleigh got the flu and had to stay home from school on Monday but she just vegged on the sofa and I got a ton of cleaning done. Tuesday afternoon I managed to paint Rylan's floor, a table for the girls' room, wash Rylan's walls, clean the bathrooms and got a bunch of laundry done. Then Rylan got sick on Tuesday night just as we were crawling into bed. Luckily his Spring Break started Tuesday afternoon. Jim felt nasty on Tuesday as well and by Wednesday, I was wiped out with it. Thankfully, everyone had Wednesday off. I had to cancel my OB appointment, lost almost 5# and spent several hours with painful contractions, 5 minutes apart. Of course, that was just due to the dehydration. I've been feeling a bit better today but believe it or not, even the dog threw up today. Awesome.

The kids are both officially on Spring Break now so hopefully I'll be able to keep up with everything that I've done. I'm feeling pretty good about what's done. All of the "have to's" are done and most of the "want to's" are done as well so now it's hurry up and wait and try to come up with little things to keep me busy.

And in a brag, Karleigh got her second report card today. I'm so proud of her, her marks were pretty incredible. Now I see why her teacher said that she might be a bit bored in class. The end of year benchmark for reading is level B. They do have books labeled level C that she has been bringing home to practice on but she generally just chooses her own books in her room to read. When I looked at her reading level on her report card... F! No wonder she's bored and squirly during reading time.

Sorry for the boring post, not much to write about when you're sick and just waiting for something a "bit" more exciting to happen! Oh and it looks like you can vote once per 24 hours in that belly pic contest but I'm not holding my breath nor even thinking about it much at all. I'm just thankful to have a baby belly right now!

A Contest!!!

So, I entered a photo contest about 6 hours before the deadline the other day. Turns out, my picture was chosen to be a finalist. Eh, it has nothing do to with my photography but my belly instead! How fun, right?!

Anyway I'm begging, pleading, er, kindly asking that you go to this site: http://www.babygizmo.com/vote to vote. You can only vote once per IP address per 24 hour period and it is a fairly short voting period, ending at 10:00pm (CST) Friday, April 2, 2010.

The prize is not fame nor fortune ;) but instead a fun piece of baby gear, and a great story for Baby Stella.

So, here I am, shamelessly begging... Please go VOTE!!! for me and baby Stella at 30 weeks! Feel free to re-share on your Facebook or Blog too. Hey, it gives you something to write about ;)

Muah!

I'm Tired!

No surprise really though is it? It's a lot of work growing another little person and taking care of the two little people who can voice their demands (quite loudly at that). I'm certainly not complaining though. I'm thrilled to be "tired".

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Some "highlights" of the last few days... (I'm sure this will be quite boring)
We had some sunshine! I was able to chase the kids and the dog outside and I was able to clean carpets. They played "doggy daycare" for hours and had a picnic outside. The crate isn't normally outside which is why it was so great! I had moved it out so I could clean the area rug and mop the floor in the guest room/office :)

Poor kids though. Rylan had to stay home from school just the day before because his eyes were blood shot and producing that ooky goo at an alarming rate. So we got him in to make sure that it was viral and not bacterial. Thank goodness it was just viral and has run its course really quickly. He did get a nice long day with just mom and dad though which was fun for him. Jim took most of the day off and Karleigh was busy with school, a birthday party and Daisy Scouts until 8 that night. One on one time is great, it's just so hard to create those opportunities. Looking at Karleigh... well, she was sick as a dog less than 18 hours later. She'll be staying home from school tomorrow which she is NOT happy about but she has some sort of tummy virus that she needs to get over.

____________________________________

I've basically just been working on getting everything situated for "go time", whenever that is. I finally went ahead and finished packing the bags tonight. It's interesting, with Karleigh I didn't really get all that anxious. Her due date was January 1st, that's when I expected her and that's when she came. Then came Rylan, 3 weeks early, I don't even remember if my bags were packed. I know his was and I know that we had installed his infant seat about 12 hours earlier. So now I want to make sure that I'm ready to go and at the same time, don't want to get too anxious because each baby has his or her own schedule.

____________________________________

Earlier in the week, Karleigh had a "job parade" through the school as an ending to their jobs unit. She decided that she wanted to be a mail carrier for purposes of the unit. I'm pretty happy with how her costume turned out. I also love that Jim helped to sew her mail bag!

Of course, now the hat and the bag are used for her "doggy daycare" :)

____________________________________

Monday was a nice start to the week and I got a chance - correction - finally made the time, to meet up with one of my friends from high school for coffee and to pick up a tummy time mat for Stella since her girls are past that stage. Ahhh, I miss adult (girl) conversation!

____________________________________

Spring break basically starts for the kids this coming week. Rylan is off starting Wednesday through Easter Sunday and Karleigh goes Monday (except she doesn't since she's sick!), Tuesday and then Thursday morning and then it's break time for her. We have nothing planned which is kind of a bummer. I was hoping to make it up to my parents and to Seattle but I've been given the "stay close" instructions from my doc. Speaking of which, I have another appointment on Wednesday. It's getting close which really feels good most of the time but there are still times where the anxieties kick in and I can't actually picture coming home with a baby. But most of the time... most of the time I can!