Life with Stella is still a wonderful blessing. (of course it is!) We have slipped into a routine that works for us and feels totally natural and like it's the way it always should have been. That part leaves me feeling a bit strangely conflicted at times. I'm SO glad to have her here. She fits wonderfully into our family. That doesn't mean that I'm "glad" for all the losses that we went through but at the same time I know that without them, she wouldn't be here. That's where the conflict lies. I also feel like (and I really shouldn't let this next part bother me at. all.) but I do feel like people may look at this and think "gee, you've totally forgotten the boys and the others. Well, no I haven't, but I really don't want to miss one single moment of "what IS" pining over "what COULD have been".
I think because of what we've gone through, we are a bit more thankful, joyful, and bonded to Stella than if we hadn't gone through it all. Sure, she's (living) baby number three but far from the 'oops!' that someone at the grocery store might assume and we're far from the 'baby making machines' that someone at the park might scoff at. We fought long and hard for her. Because of that fight I find that I'm much more patient with her. I don't grumble when she needs to eat in the middle of the night (although she's also treating me quite kindly and sleeping really well. She went from 11pm - 5:30am this morning... until I prodded her to make sure she was still breathing) so I'm sure that not being exhausted helps my coping skills. Anyway, I am really enjoying every little thing about her. Being a more experienced momma and really working so hard to get her here has been a good (mental) combination for me. But a bad combination for blogging! ;-)
As you might imagine, Mother's Day this year was so nice... a sigh of relief really. The weather was beautiful, Stella started passing out little grins first thing in the morning which was an incredible gift. Jim gave me some flowers, Karleigh made a card and a bookmark, Rylan made a card and a couple of magnets (love the handmade gifts!) and my momma got me a darling Coach purse perfect for spring and summer. I know, right!?! It was so much better than last year when I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I've just been spending a whole lot of time doing... nothing. We cuddle. A. Lot! I'm trying to stay on top of the house work though I will confess that laundry is tough for me to keep up with so I haven't been using our cloth diapers as much as I had hoped but now that she's getting a bit bigger we'll be able to use them more. (fingers crossed!)
It's really strange to be moving on from such a long chapter of our lives. We've basically been thinking "kids" since we were married almost 11 years ago. It is strange knowing that we (probably) won't have another pregnancy and each day we move one day further away from labor and delivery and all things newborn. Granted, she IS still a newborn but she changes and grows every day. I'm just going to continue working on doing my best to embrace every single moment and appreciate the excitement of moving forward and watching her grow and change.
I'm hoping to share some more pics asap, Stella's getting a set of cheeks on her, Karleigh's finally growing in that other front tooth and Rylan is just cute as usual!
6 comments:
I don't think anyone would ever think you've forgotten about Eli, Collin, and the others. I am so happy that you are so happy, and are getting to finally enjoy some much deserved snuggle time with baby Stella. :)
It's funny, the ONLY laundry I'm doing is diapers. Not because they are taking up too much of my time or stealing the washing machine from the other laundry, but they are the easiest. Easy to wash, easy to fold and put away. AND a necessity with NO disposables in the house! Yikes! The boys just stay in their swim trunks and I'm seriously thinking about just buying some new shorts and t-shirts for them and forgetting about washing their clothes all together! ha! Life with a newborn....joyous. I'm so happy for your joy!
I know what you mean about that conflict. If I were parenting Jesse I would not have Bob now, except as the same co-worker/acquaintance he was for the past two years. I CANNOT see that as a positive side to the situation though... because it's certainly not a bargain I would ever make. Oh well. NO ONE thinks you are forgetting the boys and the others! I think you have handled your grief and your blessings very well. Give that sweet girl a big smootch from ND!
I can imagine it would be very strange to move on from the focus of the last decade!
The kids are looking as gorgeous as ever, I am glad to hear that you are taking the time to enjoy all the snuggles with little Stella - make the most of every minute with that gorgeous girl!
Love from all of us to all of you xxxx
Dear Kristi~
Your words echo, what I hope to be able to feel 6months from now. Kids have also consumed our marriage for the more then a decade. I hope to feel the same peace in November.
Hugs
Brandee
Happy mothers day!!!
-h
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