Almost Wordless Wednesday...

In this part of the world, when you get a chance to actually play in the leaves when they're not all wet and soggy, you have to make the most of it!

Let's Go Fly A Kite...

We decided to harness the wind today for a little bit of fun. The weather was beautiful but so windy! Windy enough to knock the power out a few times but never for longer than a moment. It was also windy enough to rip the kite right out of Rylan's hands, carrying it down the hill. Watching Jim sprint nearly 200 yards down hill, across the fields was crazy cheap entertainment but he ended up catching the handle shortly before the kite hit the tree line. Karleigh ended up laughing so hard that she was crying. Thankfully they were tears of joy for the first time in the day. She had a very tearful morning telling her best friend "goodbye" before they move 2500 miles away. She is having a hard time with the concept of this move, assuming that she'll never see her again. But the truth is, they'll still see each other again since the extended family is still in the area. I KNOW she doesn't get the concept since she asked if Tennessee was close to England. I'm thinking that she is equating this to telling her aunt and uncle goodbye when they moved to England over a year ago and she hasn't seen them since. Anyway, for this reason, she just didn't seem to believe us when we told her that she'd hopefully see her in the spring. So, it was nice to take her mind off of that and just run around outside. And yes, they're in their pj's... cozy, new pj's!

Also, YAY!, Jim and I have voted so we can tune out all of that negative stuff on tv and move on to something... anything else!

Costume Check, Medical Vent Check...

Just before nap time today, the kids decided that they wanted to check out their costumes and make sure that they're ready for next week so I obliged. I think they're pretty cute! If you can't tell, Karleigh's a fairy (in real life the costume is green and purple and her tights are striped) and Rylan's a monkey. Both, quite fitting.

In totally un-halloween related news, Rylan and I took Karleigh to the dentist today. The kids were just there earlier in the month with Jim while I had blood work drawn at the hospital. By the time I got back, they were done. I had a few questions about Karleigh's tooth that had fallen out last month and the new tooth that is growing in... and very crooked and looking very much, to my untrained eye, not like a permanent tooth. So I called the other day with my concerns and was, of course, told "I'm sure it's fine and just a little crooked. Kids really don't ever have a second baby tooth." Except, my kid does. She is in cahoots with the Tooth Fairy as this tooth will also fall out and THEN her permanent tooth will come down. It was clear as day on the x-ray. So, I will now be calling a couple other children's dentists to see what they recommend. At first our dentist said that it would reabsorb and not cause an issue, then she said it should reabsorb, then she said it might not reabsorb and/or fall out. So really, she doesn't know and that's ok but I am going to call around and see if I can find anyone in the area who has dealt with this thing that "never happens" before and find out what they recommend. I do not want this to mess with her permanent tooth. I'm learning more and more that the mommy instincts are far more... helpful?... than most diplomas on a wall. Between this tooth situation, my knowing that Eli had died in utero but being balked at until they did an ultrasound and Karleigh ending up with Chicken Pox even though she had been vaccinated against it so the Ped insisted that that's not what it could possibly be... until they looked at her, I'm feeling very tested by the medical community. No, none of those situations are anyones fault but please quit telling me I'm wrong!

Other than that, it's a beautiful fall day today. I attempted to take some pics of the fall foliage but alas, it just never turns out near as vibrant as it looks in person. It's hard to believe we're almost to the end of October but I'm glad. I'm ready to put this year behind me.

Another Step Away...

Another step away from baby. Today Rylan graduated from his toddler bed to a regular, big boy twin bed. Wow. He was thrilled to jump into his new covers and try it out. He picked a sports theme which is fun and appropriate. The room is a work in progress but the bed is in, made, and currently being slept in as I post this.

It's a bit sad to me. I LOVE his crib/nursery bedding and now I can't decide what to do with it. It's not just the bedding but the paintings, the cross stitch pictures, wall decor and blanket that were made to match. Of course those vintage airplane things are still up in his room until I collect the little boy things that will replace the baby things. I cannot just keep hanging on to these things but getting rid of them is a gigantic step. And in attempting to make that step, I'm afraid that I will trip and fall flat on my face. Truth of the matter is, if we ever do experience that miracle blessing of another baby, there will be some room sharing going on and yes, I'm that person, who will want things to coordinate. So, the rational person would look at it and say "eBay, here I come!" but me... I will probably box it up and put it under my bed until who-knows-when.

It's not that I want Rylan to stay a baby I'm just still finding it a little hard to grasp the fact that there isn't a baby in the family as I had expected there to be by this time of year. No, I'm loving watching Rylan grow and come into his own. He has a sense of humor, can swing a bat and a golf club like nobodies business, is very clever and he gives the best hugs and kisses, oh, and his laugh is seriously contagious. I just wasn't prepared to be moving forward without another little one, that's all...

Been A While...

I know... it was brought to my attention tonight that I haven't posted anything in basically a week. I've been avoiding blogging and doing a lot of thinking. Long story short, I have come to find myself in a place where I'm thinking that for my mental and physical well being, I'm not going to be able to continue on the path of so desperately trying to add to our family. It is certainly a decision that hasn't come without tears and headaches and an insane amount of sadness and feelings of defeat. For someone as type A and driven by planning as I am, this is a really hard place to find myself. But harder? Is knowing that I'm letting all the great things that I do have slip past without enjoying them like I should.

The time that I have invested this go 'round isn't nearly as long as it took for us to get pregnant with Karleigh - that was over a 4 year process, start to delivery and it's bee "just" 8 months since I delivered Eli. So, yes I know that patience is a virtue but what's different is getting pregnant was more our problem than staying pregnant when you look at it from all angles. Achieving a pregnancy with Rylan was a virtual piece of cake, medicated for 2 months and we were good to go. And now, well, something seems different and it feels like a much steeper mountain to climb to get the the point of having a third, live child. And of course that has to do with 4 sucker punches in a relatively short period of time.

I'm not giving up but I'm also not going to, at least for the next several months, strive towards adding to our family with such force. Letting go and letting God, as it is so frequently said. I want to enjoy the upcoming holidays and the added stress of trying to conceive does not add to the joy that I want to experience. The fact of the matter is we won't be preventing either but my pregnancy with Eli is the only one that happened without medical help so I don't expect anything out of the ordinary to happen. Of course, I'm always open to the option of a miracle but once this month is over, I'm done. At least for some time. It's not like I'm stopping because I feel like I'm too old or it's costing too much. It's just too much mentally, and physically it also seems that the medication is not getting along with my body near as well as it did in the past.

So, that's where I'm at right now. Of course, this month I have been medicated so there's no sense in wasting it but beyond this I need a "time out". A time out to enjoy the kids, my husband and everything around me without living my life in two week increments, cycle days, temps and blood draws. I need to regain control over my body and my mental state. Who knows what my next few projects will be. Yard work is pretty much out of the question due to the weather and the house is pretty much under control so maybe the basement? Or organization? And certainly more time to enjoy just being. Hopefully...

October 15th...

Today (as if every single day isn't?) is the day set aside to remember our lost babies. I don't like the term "lost". It's not like I don't know where they are... oops, where did I put that baby?... no, I know where they are and I also know where they're not.

The Process of Thought...

My brain is, at times, a bit of a detriment to me. However, it's predictable if nothing else. As if on cue, I have been questioning where I am really going to go from here. I'm not even sure where 'here' is anymore. Of course the questioning and the doubts always creep in after I have started taking the meds for the month. I do fully believe that some of that is a side effect of the medicine (I'm noticing the routine) so I have to take the thoughts with a grain of salt but they are still there.

The thoughts range from "why do you keep doing this to yourself?" to "you're not going to get another baby until you're a better mom". Then there is the "if God wanted you to have another baby, you would..." or "just be thankful for the two that you have". There are also the thoughts of how tired I feel now, will I be able to handle the exhaustion that comes with another infant? Of course I attribute much of my exhaustion to the current events and not the having two kids. But... the doubts are there and I hate it.

I have decided, for now at least, that I'm not going to do too many more tests and try to follow the 'what will be, will be' route. I"m also going to try to remember what Romans 8:18 says: For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. - thanks "K" for reminding me of that. I am to a point where I think that I would decline any surgeries that would be necessary to correct any damage so I don't really see the point in having the tests done. That, at least, is some progress in the thought process. I don't know if I'm going to give myself a time limit or a loss limit or set any more limits or goals for myself and I'm not going to at this point. Even though it took years to get our first baby, for some reason I didn't think that this would be so difficult. And yet, I know some are wondering why I want to even have a third child. Just a couple months before we got pregnant with Eli I had almost talked myself into being ok with "just" having two children. However, after planning and looking forward to having three, I still feel like my 'job' isn't finished. And even as perfect as one boy and one girl is supposed to seem... it just doesn't feel complete. I know that another baby will never replace Eli and that's not what I'm looking to do. I know that the emotional scars will always be there, I still think about my losses before the kids were born so I know that it won't go away but I do want our family to feel complete. I'm just afraid that I'm being too stubborn about doing it on my terms.

I need to find some peace and clarity on this subject...

Pumpkin patch and waterfalls...

Since this has been such a beautiful, dry weekend, we decided to head out to the pumpkin patch this afternoon. This has become a little tradition for us and right away Karleigh wanted to pick a seat for her picture. Getting a good picture of both kids together at the pumpkin patch has proved difficult, at best. There's just so much to see and the kids are never looking in the same direction at the same time!

Neither one was too sure what to think of the pumpkin man. Karleigh confessed this evening that "his gloves were kind of scary..."

Rylan had a blast going through the hay bale maze. He flew through it several times and even helped Karleigh make it through!

This chicken kept posing and getting closer and closer to my camera. I thought for sure I was going to end up with beak marks on my lens...

After we finished up at the pumpkin patch, we drove around the corner to the waterfalls so the kids could run around some more. I am one of those Nervous Nellie mommas especially when it comes to things like big high rocks and cold running water but the kids followed directions very well so they got to explore nice and close to the river.

Awww! Such a big 3 year old!

It was a great way to wrap up a wonderful weekend. We were blessed in the weather department this year as it seems that this weekend is going to be bookended by wet rainy weekends. It was also nice that Jim was able to work it so that he had three days off in a row. He hardly ever gets two days off in a row so three was a real treat. This weekend could easily have turned out to be a real bummer but instead, I found it very peaceful and enjoyable. Tomorrow is back to the same ol' same ol' but with a very strong feeling of refreshment.

Happy 3rd Birthday Little Man!

October 11th, 2005 brought me more joy than I ever expected when Rylan joined our family after exactly 37 weeks of pregnancy and a mere 4 hours and 15 minutes of labor (which was a total relief after the 38 hour labor with Karleigh).

Today we spent his 3rd birthday with a train ride through the country, cake, ice cream and presents with family. It was an absolutely beautiful day that makes you totally thankful for everything around you.

And the finished Thomas Cake! Not too shabby but my hand ached for two days after piping on all that frosting!

Passing the time...

As I wait for the inevitable, Rylan's 3rd birthday continues to draw closer. I've made lists to pass the time. I've cleaned house to pass the time. I've done laundry, made more lists, researched a bunch of different things and yet I feel like I have to ton left to do. Bottom line is, he's going to be three - he's made it perfectly clear that as long as there's a Thomas cake, he'll be totally happy.



I did not want to make a Thomas cake. I'm not really a huge fan of character parties - themes I love but characters, not so much. However, I relented. On Saturday, to occupy my mind, I decided to mold the little tank engines face out of fondant. I made two. Sure, the first one wasn't all that bad and Rylan was totally impressed but I figured that I could do better. The second one turned out a bit smoother... more smooth? ... whatever. It looks better to me and I think it's going to fit the cake better as well. Here's what my stress produced:


I'm actually really excited to see how it will look all put together. I'm planning on Friday being "cake day". Jim has Friday, Saturday and Sunday off so I'm hoping to lock myself in the kitchen and focus on the cake without interruption. Would he be just as happy with store bought cupcakes? Most likely but I'm going to continue to make their cakes until they ask me to stop. I enjoy it regardless of how unnecessary other people think it is (mom!).


And then there's Karleigh. She never fails to make me laugh. Out of no where a few minutes ago she questions... "Mom?" Yes Karleigh... "What do you like better? Boys or girls?" What do you mean? I like them both. "Well, do you like hair or not?" I like hair fine. "Oh, well, do you still like Uncle Mark because he doesn't have that much hair anymore..." I could hardly answer her. Of course I assured her that yes, I still love Mark even if he has less hair than he used to! ;) So, there ya' go - my comic relief in all of this - I'm glad they're clueless!

15...

15 is not a good number when you're talking about beta hcg's. I just found out that that's what mine had dropped to by this morning so now it's just a waiting game. Maybe in a day or two, this will resolve itself but since my P4 (progesterone level) is still high, it might be some time. I am scheduled to go back in next week basically for the "all clear" hcg and then I need to schedule my annual exam because even though it seems like it's been a never ending cycle of someone all up in my "business" I still need to have my annual. Fun, fun.

I was SO hoping for that miracle, but not this time. I asked Dr. F when he called, by the way... it's never good news when it's the doctor that calls, what, if anything more should be looked at. He wants to run an HSG, which is where they inject dye into my uterus and tubes to make sure all is well. Of course, clearly we know that tubes are not my issue. It is possible that there was extensive damage done during the D&C that I had to have done after I delivered Eli to, literally, keep me from bleeding to death. That is a plausible explanation. Not that it would explain my first or second or third losses but it would maybe shed some light on the most recent three.

So, that's where I am... out of limbo land and on to the waiting game. I've been reading over this passage the last couple days... I'm still waiting for it to bring me peace.

I Peter 4:12-13
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

Unbelievable...

I don't even know where to start with this one. You would think that I would because it's not like it's something new. Anyway, we managed to get pregnant again this last cycle. I found out a week ago with a simple home pregnancy test. I waited a couple of days and then had my doc request my blood test which came back nice and positive. It came back right above the average of what you would expect to see. I also requested a follow-up because really, a series of these tests are the only way to get a fair indication of "health". This morning I went in for my second draw and instead of doubling in last the 48 hours as it should have, it went down some. So, in simplest terms: yes, I am pregnant as I write this but I should be in the midst of my 6th loss just in time for Rylan's birthday party.

I felt so good about this one and am even surprised myself at how poorly I'm handling it this time. The edd would have been my birthday (which now feels like such a bummer), my fortune cookie the other night said "your lucky number for the week is nine" not that I believe in that but I thought it was cute... I guess maybe a lucky, happy 9 days, and lets not forget all the praying that I have done and the fact that I was just told that I'm at no greater risk for another loss than the next person. It's just feels so unreal to know that there were so many people praying for this pregnancy (there were a few people that I wanted to touch base with first before I put it all out here) and unless some crazy wonderful miracle happens, it just doesn't matter.

My heart aches for a third child but it's breaking right now. I don't know how much more I'm willing to put myself and my husband through. This is most likely going to be our third loss since Eli died. Four dead babies in less than 8 months - gee, not a great track record. I think I remember Jim saying something about "three more times max" but I don't know. We'll have to talk about it if I can. I'm feeling the sadness, and the anger, and the bitterness about this whole situation and that is not a good thing.

Anyway, that's what's going on. I'm glad that the majority of the birthday shopping is done because I think it's going to take some time to drag me out from under this one. I cannot help but start to wonder what in the world I have done to deserve this. It felt so right to me, this was going to be our miracle rainbow baby... unbelievable.

In my Purse...

I cannot think of anything very deep that I want to write about tonight so here goes... I received this in an email from a friend who reads, so instead of replying I decided I'd do it here. Apparently, it's supposed to give you some great insight to the "real" me. We'll see, it's pretty messy right now - humm, maybe that's your answer!

Anyway, without further ado *drum roll please* within my tiny pink Coach purse (thank you very much Lacey and eBay for the pic) I have:
~ a set of keys to the van
~ my wallet
~ a free floating insurance card that I need to put away
~ a Party City coupon... good for $5 off!
~ 3 shopping lists for birthday party supplies
~ approximately 5 feet of Gymboree receipts
~ a Target receipt
~ a car wash receipt
~ Orange Julius receipt
~ Fred Meyer receipt
~ an expired $10 off coupon for NY&C... spent too much on the kids to worry about me!
~ one yellow ring pop end
~ two wet naps and one empty wet nap wrapper
~ pink pen
~ a box of Tic Tacs
~ 18 cents floating around
~ 4 Gymboree Rise and Shine coupons and one $15 off of $50 coupon
~ my cell phone that needs to be charged

That's *all*! Yes, in that teeny tiny purse --- which is now clean thanks to this project!

P.A.I.L. Awareness...

October... it's very public knowledge that it's Breast Cancer Awareness month but it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. So much money goes into breast cancer research but there's a part of me that can't help but think that maybe one of these lost babies could have held the answer to healing and prevention for breast cancer among many other things. So why isn't more being done to try to prevent this? The realist in me says "because that's just not the way it's supposed to be" but the optimist in me says "but just maybe technology will get a handle on this!"

October 15th is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Across the world, people light a candle at 7:00 p.m. their local time for a global "Wave of Light" to remember our babies. Feel free to join in and please keep all of those who are dealing with loss, at any stage, in your thoughts and prayers. I came across a saying that says it all so well: A tiny life doesn't equal a tiny loss.

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death. Sadly, there are so very many families that experience this. I started to write "women" but it's not just the women. It's the dads, and the grandparents, and the friends, and the expectant siblings. Most have no clue how to deal with it when loss strikes them. Some of us have walked the path multiple times but even then each step is different.

I know I've commented before on how a wonderful group of friends banded together and made a donation to A Small Victory when Eli died. If you have the means and the desire, I highly encourage you to donate to this non-profit organization grown from love and grief by another friend of mine. They provide loss kits to hospitals and now even doctors offices so that moms don't have to leave completely empty handed.

I was "lucky" to already know Liz and about her organization and she walked me through what I could expect and things that I should do. It was hard to absorb everything as I was lying there in L&D preparing to deliver and even harder after the delivery and surgery. You never think that when you get that positive pregnancy test that one day you'll be shopping for going home outfits and 48 hours later you have to decide which funeral home you want to take care of your baby.

For more information on P.A.I.L. Awareness, see:

http://www.october15th.org/ or http://www.firstcandle.org/