The one where I ramble...

...because it's been so long since I've blogged here.

And I should be writing because it is that time of year (for me, at least)...
the holiday rush is over.
The decorations are put away.
The down-time after several months of back-to-school/birthday/holiday "excitement" is upon me and in the midst of it there's still the thoughts of where I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago.

I do have to say that, of course, I am certainly much happier on this side of things. I much prefer the exhaustion of not sleeping through the night because Stella's rarely sleeping through the night as opposed to the exhaustion of lying in bed crying because of grief or nerves. And I really am OK with all that happened although there is some guilt that goes along with feeling OK. I remember lying in the ER 2 years ago and feeling so defeated. There was no WAY that I was going to try again. There was no way that I could try again. Ever. I didn't have anything left physically or emotionally.

I'm so very thankful that I got through that and over that notion!

Before I had any reason to start this blog, this time of year was when I would dive into projects. I don't know... maybe it all goes back to the fact that parenthood really started for me on January 1st, 2004 and since then, I've felt the need to have some pretty major changes going on along with the beginning of a new year. Who knows really?

As soon as the tree is taken down and the birthday paper is recycled my brain starts clicking for ways to change things. To make things more organized. To clean.
I'm home.
A lot.
And I get this need to "pretty up" the place where I spend so much time.
This year has been pretty much the same although I'm really trying to keep myself reined in, to work with what we have. Revamp. Reorganize. Reclaim. Although just 3 weeks in, I've already bought a new piece of furniture.

We've had the same entertainment center since before Karleigh was born. It was big. It wasn't our style (which has evolved over the last 10 years!). It didn't go with anything else that we have so we changed it. We downsized big time and I'm really happy with it. I also got our white furniture covers back out, washed them up and put them on. Sure, I have kids, and cats, and a dog... and I've been known to be kind of klutzy. But the bottom line is that I much prefer the look and the feel and that's what's important. And, Jim would probably say that we bought furniture with changeable covers because he KNOWS that I change my mind. A lot. And I love that he's OK with that.

It's a little thing really.

I know so many people who seem so dissatisfied with what they have, where they are, the situations that they find themselves in and oh, do they complain! It's painful to watch. I really don't want to be like that. I want to take the good and the bad and if the "bad" is something that I have control over, great, time to make some changes to it. If it's something that I can't control, then it's time to make some changes to me. It really shouldn't be that difficult.

This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you ~Hafiz

If you can't find comfort in that, well, I don't know what to say.

And in the vein of random... I love watching Stella play with her little tea pot and love on her baby. Cracks me right up!

New Year!

I know, seriously!? Where have I been? I've been keeping up with my photo blog but I just haven't really found the time to blog here. I've thought about it. I've blogged a ton of times in my head. I just don't have the time to sit town and post anything.

It's that weird time of year for me, so pleased that Karleigh has celebrated another birthday but at the same time, knowing with each birthday that she celebrates, that's another year since Collin's heart stopped. Last year I was so thankful to be pregnant with Stella and this year, so thankful that she is with us to celebrate the new milestones. It's been a really good year for us and I'm really working on being ok with being ok with how things have transpired over the last several. I have lots more good days but they can still be peppered with anxiety and bad dreams, things are steadily improving though.

We celebrated Karleigh's birthday this weekend. It's almost hard to believe that she's seven. She seemed to thoroughly enjoy her "rainbow art party" even though she was quite tired from ringing in the New Year with us.

We also had a good Christmas at my parent's house, worked in lots of Christmas outings with the kids, sing-a-longs, lights, etc. We've had snow, colds, another ear infection for Stella... pretty much super duper "normal" stuff. It's been nice.

I'm trying to decide where I'm going to "go" with this blog. I don't know if it feels like it's doing much for me... and that pleases me. I feel guilty when I neglect it and while it helped me to really get to a place of peace (most days) I'm not sure what it would do for me now. At this point I just feel guilty for not writing. I mean, it's not like I'm making money for it, or have lots of fans/followers (such an odd concept to me). And? Considering if my New Year's Resolution could be summed up in one word, it would be SIMPLIFY... maybe I need to lock this one down, make it private or what not. I'm not going to delete it, there's too much for me to be able to do that but I just don't know. Perhaps I'll just shift over to my photo blog and get into more detail when I feel like it... decisions, decisions... none of which will be made tonight because the little Miss is awake and screaming after 3 great hours of sleep. Some day she will sleep well, I'm certain of it... I'm just getting impatient for that day... night.