How do you...

get a look like this:and like this?

Have daddy buy tickets to this!

Jim bought us all tickets for opening night to the circus on Thursday evening. It was so much fun! It's been years since I was at a circus. I think the only time I went was up in Canada one year and it's been a long time since Jim has been to the circus too. So, it was a great treat for all of us. I was actually smart and got on the Ringling Bros. web site for the show and noticed that they have "extras" beyond the circus!

The doors opened about an hour before show time and for 40 minutes we were able to go down on the area floor, at the Rose Garden, and get up close and personal with some of the performers and animals. We were one of the first dozen families in the doors, and I knew how the set-up went, so we walked the kids straight down to the floor and they were front and center for the whole all access pre-show. Karleigh even got to go beyond the velvet ropes and play tug-o-war with the "strong men"! I was happy because it gave me a chance to get some "ok" pictures. Between the dark surroundings, the spot lighting, smoke machines and movement, I was please to see that any turned out frankly.

There were a few performers prior to this, one of them a unicyclist who could jump rope and go up and down stairs (that's what Karleigh is watching in the photo above) and then they brought the animals out! This miniature horse was performing with a llama and a donkey!

Then out came Karleigh's favorite clown and she did a little routine with two audience members (or one member and one plant, we couldn't tell for sure)

After a little while longer, the strong men came out and that's when Karleigh got to go "help". The picture quality is quite poor since I needed to snap it fast and Rylan was crying, thinking that his sister had just run off and joined the circus. No kidding. Once he realized she was coming right back, he was fine!

He was even more fine when Nicki came out! The elephants were his favorite part (along with the motorcycles) throughout the entire show. I actually had a hard time getting a great photo of her because we were so close! It was really neat to hear about the circus' breeding program and how they train them. We even got to watch her paint a picture.

There were so many different parts and pieces of the show, it was hard to decide what to try to capture without missing a bunch of what was going on.

Intermission gave us a chance to wiggle our bodies and again, I broke out the camera to make the time seem to go faster so we could get back to the show! Lucky for Jim, Rylan had to go potty right before intermission so they didn't have to wait in line at all, which in hindsight was wonderful because Jim said that he must have held it as long as he could! Yay! No accidents!

After intermission, the kids also decided to swap which parent they were sitting with so that was fun too. We each got to talk to each of the kids about what they were seeing and how they liked it!

Before too long the show was back on and we got to see the tigers!

And got to see the elephants perform together too!

And, before we knew it, we had spent two hours being totally entertained and the show was over!

There were so many more things than I was able to show here and we had a wonderful time! On our way out the door we bought 3 huge lollipops... gee, I wonder who the third one is for? (yum!) We headed back to MAX for the quick ride back to where we had parked and we were on our way home after a quick stop for milkshakes! MAX was packed so no pics this time. Apparently, the circus, the symphony and the last home Beaver's game got out all at the same time!

So, that was our Thursday night. The kids are still talking about it and I think we took them at a really great age. Young enough that they are totally impressed and old enough that they'll be able to remember it. It's been nice doing some things around the "city" since we haven't taken a vacation this summer. Jim will be taking a week or so in September but we won't be able to venture too far from home since Karleigh starts 'school' on Tuesday! Yikes. That will be a whole other post!

Open House!

... preschool style.

This evening we all went to visit Karleigh's new preschool in preparation for her starting "real" classes on Tuesday. Rylan was quite excited that he got to go too and it took him no time to find the cars in her classroom. She sat right down and started playing some math games (must be her daddy's daughter). She really likes her teacher, Miss Tina and one of the girls who will be moving into her class was there as well so it was a great opportunity for her to meet her teacher and one of the girls in her class. When we got her all registered, we were told that she would be the only girl in the class, with 5 boys. Now, there are going to be 4 girls and 3 boys... at this point at least. I love that it's a small class size and now well balanced gender-wise. I think we are all going to be really happy with the decision which is good. It's a decision I really wrestled with for various reasons but I think it will be good for everyone.

I'm trying to decide what to do about Tuesday... do I just let Jim take her like "normal"? Or do I go with her? I want to go but only because it'd be more for me than for her and I think it would be a good thing for her to do with her daddy. I will, of course, be there on time to pick her up and maybe the kids and I will grab lunch before we head home. Yup, that's it. I've leave the "dropping off" to her daddy... there's always sticking her on the bus for Kindergarten right? And that's only 12 months away...

Baseball, a phone call, and tags!

It was Back-2-School Day at PGE Park! I think back to school is kind of funny for our family since this year it will just be... to school.

Prior to the 2 pm game time it was muggy and warm! It ended up getting up to 80 degrees and raining by the end of the game... sticky!

Lucky the Beaver entertained the crowd of 9,000+. Can you imagine being stuffed in that get-up with the weather that I just described!?! Yuck. He did a good job of making the kids laugh though!
What would a back-to-school night be without a pencil? The kids actually received backpacks at the gate when we got there and were entertained by the "pencil" who threw out the first pitch. The kids were all supposed to get to run the bases but that part was canceled due to the rain (liability issues). Luckily, we hadn't told the kids that that was going to be one of the perks of this game.

This goofball kept wiggling her loose tooth. Yah, that's right. 4 1/2 and her top left tooth is loose. Seems kind of early to me and I'm really not all that thrilled about it but she is. She wiggles it with her finger, her tongue, her bottom lip... anything that she can get a hold of to push on it. Ugh, I still remember that aggravating tender, itchy feeling of a loose tooth.

Again, this time, once the game started, Rylan was all into it. He cheered, he boo-ed, he clapped and thoroughly enjoyed himself... until he fell asleep in the 6th inning!

Karleigh waited until the 7th inning to fall asleep! It was the most uninterrupted baseball Jim and I had watched in a really long time. It was well worth the knots in our forearms and the back cramps. The Beavers ended up losing to the Tacoma Rainers so really, for us it was a wash as far as who we wanted to see win.

We didn't end up riding MAX this time. The bridge that the train uses to cross the Willamette River was closed and we didn't want to have to deal with transferring to a bus and then back to the train so we decided to try our luck and park downtown. Turns out we found a great spot just across the street from the gate which was wonderful considering that it was raining pretty hard once it was time to leave. The kids will get to ride MAX on Thursday evening! More on that after the fact.

So, today was feeling like a pretty good day. The kids got a box from grandma and grandpa P. today so they're jumping around the house looking like a Grizzly cheerleader and a football player. Karleigh was working on a video of her loose tooth and the phone rang. Turns out it was Dr. F's office (he's the one I saw after my ultrasound confirming my most recent miscarriage). It was his nurse calling to say that they had gotten me a consult at Northwest Perinatal Center. I don't know why that freaks me out. I was liking, a little bit, living in my little clueless world. I guess part of it is me hoping that all 5 of my losses were just flukes, all due to things unrelated. I'm supposed to call tomorrow to set up my appointment. I'm nervous about it but I will do it. I don't know. Part of me wants to know that there IS something that can be treated, another part of me wants to believe that fluke theory. I don't know if one is better than the other. I suppose the appointment will give me an education but I'm not convinced that it will change anything.

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Now, on to what I procrastinated in my last post. I tag Adrienne, Heather, Lacey (because I'm convinced this is the only way I'll get her to blog something!), Lauren (because she needs something to take her mind off of being overdue!), Lisa and Shelly (because it'll be fun to know these things before I meet her in real life next month!)

Now, I'm off to leave comments for these 6!

Silly Six...

I have been tagged by Holli.

The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules.
3. Tell six unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag six bloggers by linking.
5. Leave a comment for each blogger.

OK, here goes:

1. I like lists... lots and lots of lists. They make me feel accomplished and in control. In fact, I've even been known to stray from my list to do something, finish that task and come back and put it on my list simply so I can feel the satisfaction of crossing it off the list even if I did just write it down.

2. I forgot... this is not a quirk but it deserves mentioning... I flat out forgot all about Eli's 6 month angelversary. I felt kind of "off" this week but couldn't quite pin point it. I chalked it up to several things. Fear and anticipation of what would or wouldn't happen this month, exhaustion from having a house full of people the week before, sick kids, sick ME but I think my body and my brain remembered even if I didn't.

3. I count... when I am doing anything with dishes, I always find that in the back of my head I'm counting. I have NO idea what that's about. Putting silverware away, setting the table, cleaning up the table, count, count, count... weird.

4. I love blankets... (I'm now at the point where I'm asking Jim what my quirks are) I have to sleep with a blanket, even if it's 100 degrees upstairs - and it gets close in this old house. I can have my feet out but my torso has to be covered. I would rather sweat than sleep outside the covers.

5. I can't commit... to a furniture arrangement. I know this one is all about my need to feel like I'm controlling things but I rearrange furniture all the time. The living room now is pretty immune because of our new furniture but everything else is fair game. Bedrooms, office, pictures on the wall, even the basement and the kitchen. I can, and will, find a way to rearrange them.

6. I love sleep... I can sleep in with the best of them! And I looooove it! This is such a natural love that I can't even begin to explain it. I am very lucky to have a hubby who usually allows me to sleep in on his days off. Excellent!

Now I need to tag 6 other bloggers. I should do it right now but, you guessed it - I'm tired. At the rate I've been blogging, it'll probably be next week before I get to it but we have some fun things planned for this week so I'll be back to tag my six and blog about our adventures next week. They include baseball, preschool open house, and the circus! Woohoo!

Balls, Birthdays & Bugs...

Rylan getting ready for a round of light up croquet in the yard...

Karleigh enjoying a birthday party at Kids Club. She thinks she would rather live there than here. Given the fact that it's well air conditioned, it's a fair request...

And, as I was getting ready to dead-head the daisies that were cooked by the heat, this "guy" showed up! He wasn't too keen on my camera but was happy to be moved to the big tree in Eli's garden...

That's pretty much what we've been up to the last few days. Our company left on Friday so we've just been kicking back and trying to catch up on sleep which has been very difficult given the 100+ degree heat and high humidity that we've had the last few days. Yucky.

I'm sorry that I've been absent from the daily blogging. It was getting to a point that I felt like I was dragging myself into the pit more than necessary. Don't get me wrong, the blogging didn't drag me down but I felt like I was saying the same thing over and over again and I think it was coming across like I was dealing differently than I really was. I am very relieved that passing his due date really did help tie things up for me. I will admit that losing two more pregnancies probably had something to do with it too as it took the focus off of past events and turned it more to the current events. I suspect that this will probably now turn more into a 'trying to bring home a 3rd live baby' journal, though I'm not sure how I feel about sharing all the "details" and there's a weirdness where I'm stuck somewhere between wanting everyone to know so that I can gather all the thoughts and prayers possible and the place where I'm tired of feeling like I'm letting people down every time things don't work out the way that I think they should.

So, to focus on the "new" direction of this blog. We're currently in Jim's "favorite part of the month"... his quote. So, there won't be a whole lot of updating for a while on that front because I can't really imagine anyone here wanting to know ALL the specifics. Those who do, know where to find them. This round is on our own though since the doc wouldn't give me the Clomid again after two miscarriages in a row. I understand his reasoning and it actually seems like, for now, that my body may be cooperating on it's own... though no guarantee of that yet.

On the kiddo side of things, Rylan is finally talking up a storm. He's also been potty trained for a while now. Yay! Karleigh's getting ready to start pre-school on September 2nd and I'm looking forward to the 9 hours of one on one time with Rylan. I'm thinking that we will probably have a short family vacation at some point this fall. So, no , it's not all sadness around here!

Long Time, No See!

Phew! Talk about a long break from blogging! This last week has been full of me getting ready for company - my parents and my aunt and uncle. It really shouldn't stress me out, but it does. There's a need for everything to be "perfect", the house, the yard, the property, the meals, the attitudes of my kids... MY attitude. Sometimes there are things that are just out of your control and the things that you can control, people probably don't even notice.

So, that's what I've been up to this week - preparing for the company that is still here. We have gotten a bit of work done, old roads cut through, business decisions made, etc. etc. It's been nice to help pass the time and keep my mind of the most recent events that have gone on in my life.

As far as things are concerned, medically speaking, I'm not sure I updated, but my betas were back down below 5 last week. So, that was a quick process. This month I will not be given the Clomid to help things along but we did conceive Eli on our own, without any medical help, so there is some hope there. It feels very frustrating to lose a month or two every time this happens. But, it is what it is and I'm ok with that! Once all of our company leaves, we'll be able to relax and get back into a new routine for us which will include getting Karleigh up and ready for pre-school which will start on September 2nd. Considering that we have been a fairly unscheduled family, it'll be fun to get something new going on with us!

Finally...

Finally, we reached Eli's last due date today. He would have probably arrived before now but it does help make things all feel a little more final. I don't know if I WANT them to feel final but they are. Our last butterfly came out of his chrysalis today so when Jim got home from work we took them outside to release them in Eli's garden. Three of them were beyond ready to go and were gone in the blink of an eye. The fourth took a little more urging but once he felt the breeze he took off with ease as well. The fifth butterfly hung around. I don't think he had enough time to gain the strength to fly yet so we let him sit in the garden for a while and he tried to fly but couldn't make it too far so he crawled back on Jim's finger and we'll let him go tomorrow after he has gained more strength. I guess it was strange to watch life imitate... life. We had one butterfly for each of our losses, three took off quickly and two stayed around a bit longer. I don't know, there was something oddly comforting about it.


I've been trying to keep busy to keep my mind off this week however, this week was hard to ignore and even while trying to keep busy, I haven't been able to focus on anything productive really. I never could have imagined, 5 months ago, that instead of getting into the groove of having a newborn again I would have three more losses to my name. I really thought that after the first two losses and then two healthy kids, that my body finally had figured out "how to do it". I guess I was wrong.


I was hoping that tonight I'd be able to come up with something clever? Meaningful? Inspirational? But I really just feel like I'm rambling so instead of going on further I just want to say thanks to each and every one of you who have lifted me up through my loss of Eli and the two early miscarriages I've had since.

I'll just share a few photos of the butterflies this evening:

and two more from Karleigh's wildflower garden:

Circle of Life...

Last night, we received a little gift. As you recall it was one of Eli's due dates and around 10 pm the first butterfly broke free from its chrysalis. It was really cool to watch it spread it's wings even though it seemed a little dazed. I watched and watched the other 3 that looked as if they were on the verge of emerging but finally had to drag myself to bed. When Jim woke this morning, there were 4 butterflies flitting around. The 5th is still a few days behind. He's the same one that, as a caterpillar, kept eating and eating and eating and finally made his chrysalis a few days after the others. We have decided that on the 7th, we'll release at least the 4 that are out right now. We don't want to risk them dying while waiting on the slow poke.

The darker the chrysalis, the closer they are to emerging...

The underside of the Painted Ladies' wings are kind of a yellow color with blue accents...
With their wings open, they are a beautiful orange and black...

It was nice to have this bright spot in the day. My ultrasound and appointment today went just as I expected. Not as I had hoped, but as I expected. It didn't take long to discover that my uterus was empty, on the bright side, so are my tubes so the fear of an ectopic has mostly passed. I was told that it is still possible that there could have been something that didn't show but most likely, and I agree, we are in the clear. The ultrasound tech checked everything out and had nothing but compliments for my ovaries. Hey, at least they're pretty, even if they don't behave like they're supposed to... anyway. After my suspicions were confirmed, I met with yet again another Dr. in the practice. Dr. F was great to talk to and though I'm quite irritated (a bit) that he won't just order me up another round of Clomid for this month, he wants me to have a full panel of diagnostics drawn, if that's what I want. He commented that 5 losses is uncommon and unfair and too often things are overlooked when you may have just gotten really lucky to have two healthy children. He wants to make sure that my hCG betas are back below 5 before we order the clotting panels so they're as accurate as possible. He did mention that he couldn't stop me from trying on my own and sometimes that's just the way it works.

It was nice to have a doctor take an interest and admit that I should be receiving more answers than I'm getting. He also told me that he would be happy to take me on as a patient at any time which is really nice but it's hard for me to just walk away from Dr. B. I guess that's part of my loyalty issue and I need to put myself first on this one. So, that's where things stand. I know that there were a lot of people praying for a miracle. Just because this pregnancy has ended too, doesn't mean that I won't get that miracle.

Surreal...

Today was the date of Eli's second due date. Second? Yes, I was "lucky" to be give three different due dates throughout my pregnancy with him. This first one was based off of my lmp which gave us a date of 7/29, which is also my parents anniversary. That one passed without the bat of an eye. The 29th came and went without me even noticing. So much so that I totally forgot to even call my parents for the first time that I can remember. It wasn't until I was signing the papers at the dealership that I realized that the date had passed without my knowledge. I was probably also consumed by the thoughts of the pregnancy I was enjoying. It's hard to put it in past tense. Today is the second due date which is based off of date of conception. It is also going to pass without fanfare of any sort. No balloon releases, no angel food cake, no additions to Eli's garden, no butterflies to release. Just emptiness and trying to keep my mind off of current events. The last due date that I have to get past is the 7th and that's the date the dr's office was using based on my early ultrasound.

Speaking of ultrasounds, I had one scheduled for next Monday to check out "this" pregnancy. I called this afternoon and asked if I could keep the appointment even though I've had spotting and moderate bleeding and I'm sure the news is not good. They called me back within 10 minutes to tell me that they want me to have an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. So, I go in at 4:30 for that. I am curious if there was some damage done during the emergency d&c that I had done after I delivered Eli. If I'm dealing with a bunch of scar tissue, I want to know that. They obviously want to know what's going on too since it seems like now, with the Clomid, I can get pregnant. I just can't stay pregnant past 5 1/2 weeks. And based on my blood test results, it wasn't a poor progesterone level.

Of course all those thoughts of self-doubt come flooding in and messing with my head about WHY I can't seem to have another baby. Yah, I know it's not healthy but it's happening anyway. I should know more tomorrow. Half of me wants to believe that there will be some sort of miracle when I go in tomorrow but I don't want to end up even more disappointed. The other half of me wants it all to just hurry up so we can get back in the game again but I want to make sure that we have a 100% green light before we do.

Another One in the Loss Column...

"What?" you say.
That's right.
I didn't say anything here for fear of jinxing it but apparently that plan didn't work out so well for us. I got to enjoy my most recent pregnancy for eight whole uneventful days which included being thrilled with progesterone levels that were off the charts they were so good, as well as a solid hcg level. Yesterday morning I woke to some spotting and of course that freaked me out but it totally cleared up by the afternoon. I thought maybe it was from wrestling the huge car seats into the van and running up and down stairs doing laundry and cleaning house. That I had overworked myself. I felt so incredibly good and hopeful Friday night. At least I got to enjoy one day without all the worry and disappointment that I'm getting far too used to. This morning things seemed fine except for the fact that my temperature was a bit lower than it had been - I didn't temp the morning before because I figured that was just one more thing to worry about so I stopped only to find that I was spotting. This afternoon the spotting is heavier so it's just a matter of time. I really wasn't expecting to spend the week of Eli's due date dealing with yet another loss but I guess at this point I should know to expect anything. ...like the baby bird that is now stuck in the chimney of our stove. I guess we'll be taking that apart in a few minutes to save the birdy. If it's not one thing it's another right?

Someone Else's Life...

There are so many days when I feel like I'm living someone else's life. No one in particular but is this really *my* life? Obviously it is but there are days when it just feels very surreal. I look at pictures of me and sometimes I don't even recognise myself. I know, I must be sounding crazy and it's not all about the "bad" stuff. The good stuff often feels unreal to me too. I wonder why that is and when in the world that feeling is going to pass?

I certainly don't regret where I am, that's not what I mean at all but there are times when I sit back and think about how I got here. Like I said, not a bad thing... just one of those things that makes you go "hummmm...."