Collin's Story...

In October 2008, I decided that it would be our last attempt at trying to add to our family. The Clomid was causing me to be moody, gain some weight and my insides just ached from hyperstimulated ovaries. The constant temping, charting, vitamins, supplements, baby Aspirin (as Rx'd by my doc even though all my clotting panels came back negative) and all that jazz was getting just too stressful. It was a heart wrenching decision but I needed to move on.

At a mere 10dpo, I was faced with yet again another positive pregnancy test. Cautious optimism and fear both crept in. But, HCG levels came in looking good. Actually, they looked great. We had an early ultrasound scheduled and baby measured ahead at 6w4d with a solid heart rate. I took my early photos and held them close.

The pregnancy continued to tick by, with normal appointments and sonogram results. My belly began to grow and I started wearing nothing but sweaters, sweatshirts and jackets so that the kids and others around me, would not catch on to the pregnancy. We picked out names, sadly, because I wanted to have that done if we needed them for another memory box. But, 9 weeks, 11 weeks, 12 weeks went by and everything was great. We started listening to baby's heart beat with the doppler at 8 weeks 5 days. The first time I tried, I found that beautiful sound within seconds.

We celebrated Christmas with the thought that we would have a new baby in the new year. We cautiously told some family members and counted our blessings. On December 31st, at nearly 13 weeks, we were scheduled for our NT scan. We arrived at the Maternal Fetal Medicine office and held our breath. There was our baby, alive and well with a heart rate of 175 bpm and, in short, stellar results. Also, VERY clearly, another little boy. Talk about a confusing set of emotions compiled with extreme relief.

The following day was Karleigh's 5th birthday and party. We went to a movie, out to lunch, back home for presents and cake. We enjoyed our time with our family and that 2008 was behind us. As usual, before bed, I checked for Collin's heartbeat with the doppler. I couldn't be sure that I heard it but I also couldn't be sure that I didn't hear it. I had to stop looking though as the extreme fear started to set in.

The following morning, Jim had to go in to work early and I woke up when he got out of bed. I instantly rolled over and grabbed the doppler, no heart beat. I checked and checked throughout the day. I called my OB's office about my concerns and the receptionist refused to schedule me for a heart tones check. The triage nurse was frustrated with her and suggested that I head to the ER since it would be a very long weekend otherwise.

When Jim got home, to be with the kids, I decided to go to the ER... alone. I left the house around 6 pm with the hope that I was wrong, but knowing that was pretty unlikely. I got checked in, MY heart rate was 140 bpm and within an hour, I was being seen. The ER nurse asked me a few questions and decided to go straight to a bedside scan. The ER doc came in to perform it and honestly, I don't think he had a clue what he was doing. He commented to me that he didn't see anything that looked like a normal pregnancy, no cardiac activity, no fluid... . Well, I know that just 2 days earlier there was plenty of fluid and a perfectly normal pregnancy and I also know that he was looking way too low compared to where the technician from the MFM office found Collin. So, I waited more for the imaging specialist to do her job.

I remember her name was Jamie. She wheeled my bed back to her "office" and informed me that the nice large flat-screen monitor on her wall "wasn't working". I didn't believe her and I think she knew it. She scanned and scanned and scanned. She mentioned my ovarian cysts... but nothing about the baby. I asked questions, some she answered, some she pretended not to hear. When all was said and done (and I already knew because let's face it, if you're there because you're freaking out about not finding a heart beat, if they find one, they show you...) I said for the second or third time "but there's no heart beat is there..." She just looked at me with tears in her eyes and whispered "no, I'm sorry, there's not hun." She wasn't supposed to say anything without it being read by the "professional" first but I told her thank you, that I'd rather know the truth than continue to hold on to hope for any longer. I asked about what the ER doc had said. She said that everything looked right on, fluid amount, size everything, just no cardiac activity. She had me call Jim from the scan room before she took me back to the ER. It was more private.

The nurses and doctor came in and told me they were sorry. Apparently, my file had also been red-flagged so I had to speak with the social worker before they would discharge me to go home. Before the social worker got there, they had one of the chaplains come in to sit with me. But she talked so much. She was nice enough but I don't think that she really knew how to "handle" me and my situation. Luckily the social worker finally arrived and the chaplain left. She determined that I wasn't totally off my rocker and, after giving me a list of resources (that I already had from last year) signed off that I was ok enough to go home.

I kept my scheduled appointment with my OB for Monday morning and we discussed where we would go from here. My body, again, had no clue that my baby had died and was making no effort to make any progress. So, the meds to induce a loss at home were pretty much pulled off the table. Because of the trouble that I had with my placenta not detaching, a hospital induction was off the table. Which left me with wait it out or have another D&C. After some thought, I realized that I couldn't go through the not knowing when it would happen. I don't have a solid support system, physically, close to me. I couldn't imagine trying to handle a loss at home while trying to keep the kids unaware of what was going on. We scheduled a D&C for the next available time. I called my mom and she was able to take a personal leave day and be here to watch the kids so I could "go to an appointment" that Thursday.

The hospital was great, the pre-surgical/post-op room was private and I did NOT have to check into L&D like I did with my first. It went very smoothly and ended up being the right choice for that situation especially since we wanted to have Collin tested? analysed? checked out? Results came back a totally normal pregnancy of a totally normal baby boy. Again, no answers.

Collin was with us, in body, for 13 weeks 6 days.