So this is the long story... I guess I'm hoping the more times I see it or say it, the easier it will get. At this point that seems pretty far fetched.
Back to the beginning. My husband and I have always discussed having three kids. We had decided that we would space #3 a ways out from the first two... maybe when our youngest was about 4, we would go for a third. We don't get, or stay, pregnant easily. We started trying to "grow" a family in December of 1999 after our July wedding. It wasn't happening... at all... but after a few years, and clomid, we were thrilled to finally find ourselves pregnant in August of 2001. After 12 1/2 uneventful weeks, we were told that our baby had no heart beat and had stopped developing at around 10 weeks. A week later I had a medical procedure called a D&C to remove that baby since my body would not let it go. It was a very difficult recovery, emotionally, especially with Sept. 11th still being so fresh in every one's minds. We took a fair break, 6 months or so, and then started trying again. In August of 2002 we were thrilled but very cautious when we finally saw those two beautiful lines on a home pregnancy test. Several days later I headed to the lab at the hospital and waited for the call from the OB's office. The call came in and the nurses words were "I would be negligent if I told you that you were going to have a healthy pregnancy. If you haven't started bleeding in about a week, give us a call and we'll recheck your numbers but it doesn't look promising." ... that was August 12th... I was about 6 1/2 weeks when my miscarriage started and it was crushing. It's not all bad news though.
In April 2003 we were FINALLY pregnant again and on New Year's Day 2004, we brought a beautiful, perfect 8# 4oz. baby girl into the world. While taking Christmas photos, right around Thanksgiving weekend, my husband said to me "Maybe next year, there'll be 4 of us in the Christmas photo." The next Monday I called my OB to start the Rx's so that maybe we could get pregnant again... and we prayed and crossed our fingers. Round one was a bust but round two took! I knew by President's Day weekend that I was pregnant again. I kept the information to myself, then took three home pregnancy tests over the following week and finally told my husband "yah, know... I think I've decided that we're pregnant." He just looked at me and said "You've decided???" The blood test confirmed it and we were given an estimated due date of November 1st. That pregnancy was a little more "exciting" with a positive AFP screen but we declined any more testing and at 37 weeks, our son was born perfectly healthy at 7# 4oz.
But back to the current events... In late November of 2007 I realized that my period was late. I nervously asked my hubby to bring home both a pregnancy test and a box of tampons, so as not to tip the scales of fate. Well, in no time there were two pink lines staring back at me and panic set in... this wasn't planned - and I plan everything! After a few days of panic about car seats and bedroom arrangements we were ready to go! Interestingly enough, my OB's office never ordered an HCG count, we went in for our nurses appointment and scheduled a dating ultrasound since I knew that the dates would be off. At the ultrasound I saw the tiny beating heart of my third child at 6 weeks 4 days. The rest of the days and appointments were uneventful. I had an appointment 2 weeks later and we picked up the heart beat with doppler at the office. At this point I searched and purchased a doppler for use at home. I did this for several reasons... one, I was totally paranoid about this pregnancy from the start and two, I wanted my husband and children to be able to experience listening to the tiny life inside of me.
At around 14 weeks I started feeling our tiny little baby moving inside of me and it was wonderful! The heartbeat was strong every night. We would listen for a few minutes each night and the heart rate was always in the 170's. It was so reassuring to get to listen to that tiny heart. Saturday, February 16th the baby was kicking and the heartbeat was in the 150's... kind of low for that kiddo but we figured the baby was sleeping. Sunday morning I woke up and it was a beautiful sunny day but I just didn't feel it. We were discussing coming home outfits and what it the world you bring a baby home in in July or August - it's so hot! The baby, normally, was quite active in the late morning but that day, not so much. I tried to push the thoughts out of my mind but around 4 pm I couldn't take it any more... I had to be reassured so I asked my husband to bring me the doppler... silence... no thumping from kicks, no heartbeat... at least not one that resembled the heart beat of my baby. I could hear blood flow and my racing heart but no baby. I drank water, I checked. I drank juice, I checked. I laid on my side, I checked. I went upstairs where it was quiet and I cried and I checked. Every once in a while I would hear something that was "maybe" baby but then it was gone again. I took a bath and cried and afterwards I checked some more. Still, nothing. That night around 6:30 - I called L&D, trying to hold it together but since I wasn't yet 20 weeks, they wouldn't see me and since I wasn't bleeding the ER wouldn't see me either. We went to bed and I checked for about 2 more hours... but nothing. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I ended up downstairs on the couch and I laid there and cried. I prayed and cried myself to sleep for about an hour and woke around 3:30 am, grabbed the doppler again, still nothing. There was a heartbeat that I picked up but it was slower than mine. I decided to put it down and put my hand back on my tummy and prayed some more. At that point I know I felt his last kick. I cried myself back to a very restless sleep for a little while waking around 6 am just waiting for the minutes to tick by so I could call my Dr's office.
I think they thought they were humoring me by allowing me to come in at 11 am for a fetal heart tone check. As soon as the Dr. placed the doppler on my stomach I knew. Though I had prayed that my doppler was broken, it wasn't. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. The Dr. stepped out of the room to bring in the portable ultrasound machine. There on the screen was my perfect baby... perfectly still. The tears started to come harder. He stepped out of the room to speak with the ultrasound tech and they told me to call my husband, who was home with the kids, and anyone else that I needed to. I called my husband first to tell him the news and then my mom. The next step was to head back to the "better equipment" for a better look. It was obvious to me that the life that had been there, was gone.
Back in the consultation room the Dr. told me that the initial results looked as if the baby had a mass on it's brain and that I'd have to make an appointment to discuss our "options" with my Dr. the next morning. What a long day, driving myself home, waiting for my mom to arrive so we'd have someone to watch our kids, watching my husband go off to work for the evening, all the while knowing that our baby was no longer with us.
Tuesday morning we met with my Dr. This time I was told "we don't know why this happens, it was probably just some chromosomal defect that you had no control over..." nearly the same speech that we'd been given 6 years earlier during our first loss. All three of us decided that labor induction and delivery would be the safest. We went directly over to L&D at the hospital and started the surreal process. After paperwork was completed the induction started around 11:30 am. We were both exhausted and my nurse begged us to sleep but it just wasn't happening. I asked for some Tylenol for the raging headache that I had from lack of sleep and lots of crying. She brought me a Valium too.
By 8pm my contractions were getting to the point that I could tell that they were doing "something" and my new nurse kept offering me pain meds. I finally agreed but since the Fentanyl made me sick to my stomach, she and the anesthesiologist decided an epidural would be the best. Plus, if I needed a D&C on top of the induced delivery, we would be able to use it for pain control and not waste time. Shortly before the epidural, I started bleeding and then my water broke. I do have to say it wasn't the best epidural of my life but it took the edge off the pain. With zero effort, our son, Eli was born sleeping at 1:04 am on Wednesday, February 20th, 2008. We got to spend time with him, look at him, touch him, hold him... he looked perfect to us. I know that I will never forget how perfect his hands and feet were. The nurse wrapped him up and took some photos for us. Our time was limited at that point since I was still bleeding, before surgery I had already lost about 2 liters of blood and my placenta still hadn't detached so it was off for a D&C at 3:30 am. I don't know how long it took but I do know that around 5:30 am I finally registered what time it was. I tried to sleep a bit and woke around 7 am feeling very empty.
I buzzed the nurse so I could get up and use the bathroom and promptly passed out. When I came to there were about 6 nurses in my room they cranked up my IV and hooked up the oxygen. I laid there for nearly an hour, I suppose, in and out of sleep. Throughout the morning the social worker was in and out to confirm our requests, the nurses were in and out checking on me, delivery mementos like the tiny castings of Eli's feet and asking if we would like a photographer to come in a take photos. I know some of that may sound weird to some but I would so much rather have too many memories of Eli than to have regrets of not having anything to remember him by.
I was released to go home around 4:30 in the afternoon on the 20th. It was so hard to come home empty handed but I had no choice. I cradled Eli's memory box in my lap as Darcy wheeled me out to our car. We said our goodbyes and started the long drive home.
Back to the beginning. My husband and I have always discussed having three kids. We had decided that we would space #3 a ways out from the first two... maybe when our youngest was about 4, we would go for a third. We don't get, or stay, pregnant easily. We started trying to "grow" a family in December of 1999 after our July wedding. It wasn't happening... at all... but after a few years, and clomid, we were thrilled to finally find ourselves pregnant in August of 2001. After 12 1/2 uneventful weeks, we were told that our baby had no heart beat and had stopped developing at around 10 weeks. A week later I had a medical procedure called a D&C to remove that baby since my body would not let it go. It was a very difficult recovery, emotionally, especially with Sept. 11th still being so fresh in every one's minds. We took a fair break, 6 months or so, and then started trying again. In August of 2002 we were thrilled but very cautious when we finally saw those two beautiful lines on a home pregnancy test. Several days later I headed to the lab at the hospital and waited for the call from the OB's office. The call came in and the nurses words were "I would be negligent if I told you that you were going to have a healthy pregnancy. If you haven't started bleeding in about a week, give us a call and we'll recheck your numbers but it doesn't look promising." ... that was August 12th... I was about 6 1/2 weeks when my miscarriage started and it was crushing. It's not all bad news though.
In April 2003 we were FINALLY pregnant again and on New Year's Day 2004, we brought a beautiful, perfect 8# 4oz. baby girl into the world. While taking Christmas photos, right around Thanksgiving weekend, my husband said to me "Maybe next year, there'll be 4 of us in the Christmas photo." The next Monday I called my OB to start the Rx's so that maybe we could get pregnant again... and we prayed and crossed our fingers. Round one was a bust but round two took! I knew by President's Day weekend that I was pregnant again. I kept the information to myself, then took three home pregnancy tests over the following week and finally told my husband "yah, know... I think I've decided that we're pregnant." He just looked at me and said "You've decided???" The blood test confirmed it and we were given an estimated due date of November 1st. That pregnancy was a little more "exciting" with a positive AFP screen but we declined any more testing and at 37 weeks, our son was born perfectly healthy at 7# 4oz.
But back to the current events... In late November of 2007 I realized that my period was late. I nervously asked my hubby to bring home both a pregnancy test and a box of tampons, so as not to tip the scales of fate. Well, in no time there were two pink lines staring back at me and panic set in... this wasn't planned - and I plan everything! After a few days of panic about car seats and bedroom arrangements we were ready to go! Interestingly enough, my OB's office never ordered an HCG count, we went in for our nurses appointment and scheduled a dating ultrasound since I knew that the dates would be off. At the ultrasound I saw the tiny beating heart of my third child at 6 weeks 4 days. The rest of the days and appointments were uneventful. I had an appointment 2 weeks later and we picked up the heart beat with doppler at the office. At this point I searched and purchased a doppler for use at home. I did this for several reasons... one, I was totally paranoid about this pregnancy from the start and two, I wanted my husband and children to be able to experience listening to the tiny life inside of me.
At around 14 weeks I started feeling our tiny little baby moving inside of me and it was wonderful! The heartbeat was strong every night. We would listen for a few minutes each night and the heart rate was always in the 170's. It was so reassuring to get to listen to that tiny heart. Saturday, February 16th the baby was kicking and the heartbeat was in the 150's... kind of low for that kiddo but we figured the baby was sleeping. Sunday morning I woke up and it was a beautiful sunny day but I just didn't feel it. We were discussing coming home outfits and what it the world you bring a baby home in in July or August - it's so hot! The baby, normally, was quite active in the late morning but that day, not so much. I tried to push the thoughts out of my mind but around 4 pm I couldn't take it any more... I had to be reassured so I asked my husband to bring me the doppler... silence... no thumping from kicks, no heartbeat... at least not one that resembled the heart beat of my baby. I could hear blood flow and my racing heart but no baby. I drank water, I checked. I drank juice, I checked. I laid on my side, I checked. I went upstairs where it was quiet and I cried and I checked. Every once in a while I would hear something that was "maybe" baby but then it was gone again. I took a bath and cried and afterwards I checked some more. Still, nothing. That night around 6:30 - I called L&D, trying to hold it together but since I wasn't yet 20 weeks, they wouldn't see me and since I wasn't bleeding the ER wouldn't see me either. We went to bed and I checked for about 2 more hours... but nothing. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I ended up downstairs on the couch and I laid there and cried. I prayed and cried myself to sleep for about an hour and woke around 3:30 am, grabbed the doppler again, still nothing. There was a heartbeat that I picked up but it was slower than mine. I decided to put it down and put my hand back on my tummy and prayed some more. At that point I know I felt his last kick. I cried myself back to a very restless sleep for a little while waking around 6 am just waiting for the minutes to tick by so I could call my Dr's office.
I think they thought they were humoring me by allowing me to come in at 11 am for a fetal heart tone check. As soon as the Dr. placed the doppler on my stomach I knew. Though I had prayed that my doppler was broken, it wasn't. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. The Dr. stepped out of the room to bring in the portable ultrasound machine. There on the screen was my perfect baby... perfectly still. The tears started to come harder. He stepped out of the room to speak with the ultrasound tech and they told me to call my husband, who was home with the kids, and anyone else that I needed to. I called my husband first to tell him the news and then my mom. The next step was to head back to the "better equipment" for a better look. It was obvious to me that the life that had been there, was gone.
Back in the consultation room the Dr. told me that the initial results looked as if the baby had a mass on it's brain and that I'd have to make an appointment to discuss our "options" with my Dr. the next morning. What a long day, driving myself home, waiting for my mom to arrive so we'd have someone to watch our kids, watching my husband go off to work for the evening, all the while knowing that our baby was no longer with us.
Tuesday morning we met with my Dr. This time I was told "we don't know why this happens, it was probably just some chromosomal defect that you had no control over..." nearly the same speech that we'd been given 6 years earlier during our first loss. All three of us decided that labor induction and delivery would be the safest. We went directly over to L&D at the hospital and started the surreal process. After paperwork was completed the induction started around 11:30 am. We were both exhausted and my nurse begged us to sleep but it just wasn't happening. I asked for some Tylenol for the raging headache that I had from lack of sleep and lots of crying. She brought me a Valium too.
By 8pm my contractions were getting to the point that I could tell that they were doing "something" and my new nurse kept offering me pain meds. I finally agreed but since the Fentanyl made me sick to my stomach, she and the anesthesiologist decided an epidural would be the best. Plus, if I needed a D&C on top of the induced delivery, we would be able to use it for pain control and not waste time. Shortly before the epidural, I started bleeding and then my water broke. I do have to say it wasn't the best epidural of my life but it took the edge off the pain. With zero effort, our son, Eli was born sleeping at 1:04 am on Wednesday, February 20th, 2008. We got to spend time with him, look at him, touch him, hold him... he looked perfect to us. I know that I will never forget how perfect his hands and feet were. The nurse wrapped him up and took some photos for us. Our time was limited at that point since I was still bleeding, before surgery I had already lost about 2 liters of blood and my placenta still hadn't detached so it was off for a D&C at 3:30 am. I don't know how long it took but I do know that around 5:30 am I finally registered what time it was. I tried to sleep a bit and woke around 7 am feeling very empty.
I buzzed the nurse so I could get up and use the bathroom and promptly passed out. When I came to there were about 6 nurses in my room they cranked up my IV and hooked up the oxygen. I laid there for nearly an hour, I suppose, in and out of sleep. Throughout the morning the social worker was in and out to confirm our requests, the nurses were in and out checking on me, delivery mementos like the tiny castings of Eli's feet and asking if we would like a photographer to come in a take photos. I know some of that may sound weird to some but I would so much rather have too many memories of Eli than to have regrets of not having anything to remember him by.
I was released to go home around 4:30 in the afternoon on the 20th. It was so hard to come home empty handed but I had no choice. I cradled Eli's memory box in my lap as Darcy wheeled me out to our car. We said our goodbyes and started the long drive home.
3 comments:
Oh, Kristi. This is so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. I think your blog is a wonderful way to express your love for Eli and celebrate him. You are so strong. Your kind words this week have meant so much to me. (((hugs)))
~Jamie
Your baby Eli is so beautiful. I also read the "20 Things" and "What Makes a Mother." I especially like #7 of the "20 Things." I miscarried a twin, and now all the focus seems to be on the remaining baby, as if the twin never existed. We lost him/her before we ever knew he/she was there, but it is still very painful. God bless you and your family!
Kristi,
You are a beautiful person, and the fact that you have chosen to share your story, not only makes you beautiful, but strong as well.
I don't have any babies yet, I want them badly, but I have this gut wrenching fear that I won't be able to have children of my own (There are numerous hereditary issues in my family regarding fertility).
I cry now, because my heart hurts for your family. But I also cry at the joy that I see in your other children. I cry because I see someone who may not understand what God has in store for her life, but embraces that he has a plan outside of all of our comprehension.
I have now become a loyal reader. Your blog has reminded me what really matters. God, Family, Peace, Love and Hope.
And the greatest of these is Love.
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