Eli's Story...

Here's Eli's story, mostly taken from my blog entry a week after I delivered him...

In late November of 2007 I realized that my period was late. I nervously asked my hubby to bring home both a pregnancy test and a box of tampons, so as not to tip the scales of fate. Well, in no time there were two pink lines staring back at me and panic set in... this wasn't planned - and I plan everything! After a few days of panic about car seats and bedroom arrangements we were ready to go! Interestingly enough, my OB's office never ordered an HCG count, we went in for our nurses appointment and scheduled a dating ultrasound since I knew that the dates would be off. At the ultrasound I saw the tiny beating heart of my third child who was measuring 6 weeks 4 days. The rest of the days and appointments were uneventful. I had an appointment 2 weeks later and we picked up the heart beat with doppler at the office. At this point I searched and purchased a doppler for use at home. I did this for several reasons... one, I was totally paranoid about this pregnancy from the start and two, I wanted my husband and children to be able to experience listening to the tiny life inside of me.

At around 14 weeks I started feeling our tiny little baby moving inside of me and it was wonderful! The heartbeat was strong every night. We would listen for a few minutes each night and the heart rate was always in the 170's. It was so reassuring to get to listen to that tiny heart. Saturday, February 16th the baby was kicking and the heartbeat was in the 150's... kind of low for that kiddo but we figured the baby was sleeping. Sunday morning I woke up and it was a beautiful sunny day but I just didn't feel it. We were discussing coming home outfits and what it the world you bring a baby home in in July or August - it's so hot! The baby, normally, was quite active in the late morning but that day, not so much. I tried to push the thoughts out of my mind but around 4 pm I couldn't take it any more... I had to be reassured so I asked my husband to bring me the doppler... silence... no thumping from kicks, no heartbeat... at least not one that resembled the heart beat of my baby. I could hear blood flow and my racing heart but no baby. I drank water, I checked. I drank juice, I checked. I laid on my side, I checked. I went upstairs where it was quiet and I cried and I checked. Every once in a while I would hear something that was "maybe" baby but then it was gone again. I took a bath and cried and afterwards I checked some more. Still, nothing. That night around 6:30 - I called L&D, trying to hold it together but since I wasn't yet 20 weeks, they wouldn't see me and the nurse who answered the phone said since I wasn't bleeding the ER wouldn't see me either. [I now know that statement was untrue...] We went to bed and I checked for about 2 more hours... but nothing. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I ended up downstairs on the couch and I laid there and cried. I prayed and cried myself into a restless sleep for about an hour and woke around 3:30 am, grabbed the doppler again, still nothing. There was a heartbeat that I picked up but it was slower than mine. I decided to put it down and put my hand back on my tummy and prayed some more. At that point I know I felt his last kick. I cried myself back to a very restless sleep for a little while waking around 6 am just waiting for the minutes to tick by so I could call my Dr's office.

I think they thought they were humoring me by allowing me to come in at 11 am for a fetal heart tones check. As soon as the Dr. placed the doppler on my stomach I knew. Though I had prayed that my doppler was broken, it wasn't. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. The Dr. stepped out of the room to bring in the portable ultrasound machine. There on the screen was my perfect baby... perfectly still. The tears started to come harder but silently. He stepped out of the room to speak with the ultrasound tech and they told me to call my husband, who was home with the kids, and anyone else that I needed to. I called Jim first to tell him the news that I already knew in my heart and then I called my mom. I still don't know how I was able to get the words out but when she answered, she knew what I was trying to say. The next step was to head back to the "better equipment" for a better look. But, it was obvious to me that the life that had been there, was gone. [I asked at that time if she could tell what the gender was. She told me that there was "nothing to indicate a baby boy, baby is a girl...]

Back in the consultation room Dr. C told me that the initial results looked as if the baby had a mass on it's brain and that I'd have to make an appointment to discuss our "options" with my Dr. the next morning. What a long day, driving myself home, waiting for my mom to arrive so we'd have someone to watch our kids, watching my husband go off to work for the evening, all the while knowing that our baby was no longer with us.

Tuesday morning we met with my Dr. This time I was told "we don't know why this happens, it was probably just some chromosomal defect that you had no control over..." nearly the same speech that we'd been given 6 years earlier during our first loss. All three of us decided that labor induction and delivery would be the safest. We went directly over to L&D at the hospital and started the surreal process. I was tucked away in a private room in the back corner away from all the happy families there that beautiful winter day. After paperwork was completed the induction started around 11:30 am. We were both exhausted and my nurse begged us to sleep but it just wasn't happening. I asked her for some Tylenol for the raging headache that I had from lack of sleep and lots of crying. She brought me a Valium too. She told me that I could have anything that I wanted for pain, emotional and/or physical, but I was still in the frame of mind where 'Tylenol is the only thing safe for baby...'

By 8pm my contractions were getting to the point that I could tell that they were doing "something" and my new shift nurse kept offering me pain meds. [All the while we were watching American Idol, trying to keep our minds off of why we were even in the hospital at that point in time.] I finally agreed but since the Fentanyl made me sick to my stomach, she and the anesthesiologist decided an epidural would be the best. Plus, if I needed a D&C on top of the induced delivery, we would be able to use it for pain control and not waste time. Shortly before the epidural, I started bleeding and then my water broke. I do have to say it wasn't the best epidural of my life [and the anesthesiologist was a jerk to my nurse] but it took the edge off the pain. With zero effort, our son, Eli was born sleeping at 1:04 am on Wednesday, February 20th, 2008. We got to spend time with him, look at him, touch him, hold him... he looked perfect to us. [and it turns out, he was] I know that I will never forget how perfect his hands and feet were. The nurse wrapped him up and took some photos for us. [I wish I would have taken my camera that morning because I really wanted to be the one to take photos of our baby. I had had it in my hand and put it down, maybe in an effort to not admit what I really knew.] Our time was limited at that point since I was still bleeding. Before surgery I had already lost about 2 liters of blood and my placenta still hadn't detached so it was off for a D&C at 3:30 am. I don't know how long it all took but I do know that around 5:30 am I finally registered what time it was and I was back in my room. I tried to sleep a bit and woke around 7 am feeling very, very empty.

I buzzed the nurse so I could get up and use the bathroom. They try to avoid giving blood product as long as possible and just hang bags and bags of fluid. I got up fine, got into the bathroom fine with the help of my nurse who was asking me how I was doing and that's when the black walls started to close in on me and I promptly passed out. I remember her yelling for Jim's help and some how he was able to make it there in time to roll me gently to the floor. When I came to, I remember babbling something about a circus (who knows!?) and there were about 6 nurses in my room. They cranked up my IV and hooked up the oxygen. I laid there for nearly an hour, I suppose, in and out of sleep that was much like the movie sequence where you blink and time passes quickly while your eyes are closed. Much of the rest of the morning was very foggy thanks to that incident but the social worker was in and out to confirm our requests, the nurses were in and out checking on me - physically and emotionally, providing us delivery mementos like the tiny castings of Eli's feet and asking if we would like a photographer to come in and take some personal/professional photos. I know some of that may sound weird to some but I would so much rather have too many memories of Eli than to have the regrets of not having anything to remember him by.

I was released to go home around 4:30 in the afternoon on the 20th. It was so hard to come home empty handed but I had no choice. I cradled Eli's memory box in my lap as Darcy [a totally sweet nurse for the afternoon shift] wheeled me out to our car. We said our goodbyes and started the long, quiet, unreal drive home.

Eli was with us, in body, for 16 weeks, 3 days.