Back with something New!

Howdy! It felt good to take a little break from the self-induced pressure of posting every day but I'm back. Tuesday, I spent most of the day working on some design stuff. Wednesday Jim had the day off so we ran some typical errands - a trip to Lowe's, ran into the mall, swung past the car dealership and spent the next few hours there buying a new (to us) minivan. After reading Total Money Makeover I decided that even though we could afford a new vehicle, I wanted to get a previously owned vehicle where we weren't eating the majority of the depreciation. We spent about 9 months researching what we wanted for our family and we had it narrowed down to two choices. On a whim we drove them both yesterday and this one was the winner!

By going with a previously owned (lease return) Sienna XLE NAV, we were able to get all the options that we had only daydreamed about getting and a monthly payment that was lower than what we had budgeted. So, we're all on a new car high and having fun figuring out all the bells and whistles.

The caterpillars are all still in their chrysalises but if you look close enough, you can kind of make out the wings so in the next few days I bet we'll have butterflies! I'll be sure to share pictures just as soon as I have them!!!

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

Thanks to my friend, A, for sending this along to me tonight. You know how I needed to read it and it's such a good thing for us all to remember!

I Know...

I know I said that I was ok taking a few days off from this blogging thing. I also said that if I had something exciting to share, I would. Today the last, big fat caterpillar finally made his way to the top of the container and started his transformation. I wasn't able to get a decent picture because of all the 'silk' that they have made. Tomorrow they will be moving, very carefully, into their butterfly pavilion. There's one that I'm a bit concerned about. "He's" the first one that grew his chrysalis. He was up there, minding his business, doing his caterpillar thing and two others crawled up next to him and literally, started poking at him like a little punching bag. He doesn't seem to be attached to the top of the container like he should be, he seems to be being suspended by the silk around him. Luckily is does say that if one should happen to not attach to the little paper in the top of the lid, that we can place it on a napkin or paper towel and it should still develop. Here's to hoping!

Oh Holli, the edd is kind of a weird thing for me. *forgive me for using lingo* Based on LMP it was 7/29, on DOC 8/4 and based on u/s (measuring 6w 4d) 8/7... so I get to drag it out for over a week, but really, I'm doing much better with it than I thought too. :)

I Think I'm Ready...

I think I'm ready to stop the "competition" with myself. I have written at least one entry per day since I started this blog and I have finally found that maybe, just maybe I can't keep up with the every day entries. As much as I am not looking forward to the thoughts of the next week or two (when we expected, back this winter to be holding a new baby), I think coming up on the due date is an important mile stone. It feels like it kind of completes that whole "what if" vein of thought. No, I will not wake up on the 8th of August and have all thoughts of Eli buttoned up and put away but I do think... hope... that it will feel like some of this craziness is behind me. I've been looking forward for a while now and now it's time to put my words into actions I think.

I still expect to be on here quite often. I'm hoping that some day I'll be able to use the blog for a pregnancy that lasts longer than 5 1/2 weeks, or 12 weeks, or 17 weeks... that goes full term and is full of health and happiness. But for now I'm feeling ok with where I am in my healing process with losing Eli and I don't want to mess that up!

Family Friday...

Sorry in advance for the boring post. It's going to be a quick one since it's late. My mom is here for the weekend which is nice. She actually has a class reunion tomorrow not too far from the house... I think it's like her 75th or something like that. No really, it's her 35th so that should be fun for her. Tonight we all went to Jim's last two softball games of the season, the weather was beautiful and they won one and lost one. This kids were really good all day and OH! 4 of the 5 caterpillars have started their chrysalises. The last one is STILL eating! I'm hoping to just have a laid back day tomorrow so it should be nice. Hope to be pack tomorrow with something a little more exciting, or maybe not, boring is good these days.

Change is in the Air...

As you can see, our little caterpillars are getting ready to go through a miraculous change. Before they form the chrysalis, they crawl to the top of their container and hang upside down kind of like a letter J. By tomorrow, I expect that all 5 of them will be in this position and beginning their transformation to beautiful butterflies.

But me, to put it bluntly... I suck at change. I shop at my familiar stores and drive on familiar roads. I have my typical foods that I order and Jim doesn't even have to ask me what I want from Starbucks. I like my routines and my safe places. I do not like change. Sadly, that's a conflict that I'm going to need to deal with. There seems to be change every time I turn around these days but I know it's not just me. I think I'm just having a difficult time processing it all.

I suppose that's part of the internal drama that I face when trying to have another kid. Every day brings change - one more obsession, one day closer to something different but I can't prepare myself for what it is because I don't know which way things are going to go. Yah. I'm not so good at that.

Less Word Wednesday...

Ahhhh, so. much. better! AND, bonus, it ended up being a birthday gift from a super-duper great friend!!! Does it get any better than that? Loved the salon and I'll be returning... do I sense some color in my future?! ;)

Today was so relaxing and wonderful. I have a handful of prayer requests. Prayers that all involve big changes in the lives of various friends. My friends M, B, J, K, and S all have some wonderful changes on the horizon for them. Job changes, family changes, big moves, babies... My prayer is that each one of them is able to transition into their blessings with ease and grace and that they gain nothing but joy from these changes!

Tired Tuesday...

I'm tired.
Not in a bad way, just tired.
The doing dishes, laundry, weeding kind of tired.
I'm very much looking forward to getting out of the house for a few hours tomorrow, without the kids and with another adult. I love spending time with them but the "problem" is is that I am always with them. I don't recall the last time that I did anything without at least one of them. Yah, I've got nothin'... maybe my last haircut that I wrote about yesterday. I have a feeling that can't be right, but it might be. At any rate, I'm ready for a break. I'm ready to get away from the house that allows me the ability to obsess over the silliest things. I'm sure I'll be ready to get back home before too long but I know they'll be in great hands. Jim has tomorrow off so he gets babysitting duties. Lucky guy!
I hope to have something clever, cute, creative or anything tomorrow but I may get off the hook since it'll be wordless Wednesday - woohoo!

Moving Forward...

It feels that I am moving forward... and not that one step forward two steps back movement, real forward movement. We got K all signed up for pre-school so, as a family, we'll be starting a whole new way of life come September 2nd. Not that it's a big change or anything but for the past 4 1/2 years, we've enjoyed a rather unscheduled life. Now she and Jim will be leaving the house around 8 am on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. We're thinking about plans beyond next week and are thinking about upcoming birthdays and holidays. It feels nice. We have not put our family plans on hold, we are doing what we can. For the most part that just means letting go and letting God. We know that God is in control but sometimes it's hard to sit back and wait. It shouldn't be, but I'm not perfect so it is. Thankfully, it does appear that the medication dosage that I took this month did what it needed to (which isn't a terrible surprise since it worked last month on the lower dosage, sort of). So, now I'm back to doing my least favorite thing - waiting. Hopefully this week will seem to go by pretty quickly. It's almost Tuesday, Jim has Wednesday off and I'm getting my hair cut again. I'm anticipating a much better day than the last time. The weather is looking promising for finishing up the few projects around the house that I want to get done and then my parents will be down this weekend. That should make the next week go quickly. Let's hope so!

5 Months...

Five months, Eli's been gone from my body. I miss him, for me, but I know he's in a perfect place. Today did not rock me like some of his other angelversaries have. We busied ourselves by getting lunch out, going through the car wash (a big excitement for the kids), going to mall, Costco, a home improvement store and the grocery store. It was a good day, all things considered. It was a little surreal doing school shopping for Karleigh but it was all good. I hope this is a glimpse of things to come. It was nice just being able to shop, look towards the future and not get totally sad about the "would have beens". I even saw a few brand new babies today and smiled instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. I think that makes for a pretty decent day!

Saturday Short...

I don't have anything terribly exciting or enlightening to share so I'll share a couple pics that I snapped today. I was in the dining room today when Karleigh came yelling across the house "Mom, come here quick! I need you to tell me if this bird in the tree is a pigeon or an owl!" Is it sad that when we discovered that it was just a (nother) hawk, we were slightly disappointed?!

Just another one of the great things about where we live. I cropped it out of the pic so you could see the hawk better but there was also a little robin in the tree trying to puff himself up as big as possible... keeping up with the Jones'??? Do you think that happens? At any rate, enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Buggin' Out!

YAY! Our little butterfly larvae arrived today! It was a nice change to the formula and newborn diaper samples that are mercilessly filling our mail box nearly every day now. I was a little nervous as I opened the box, wondering what I would really find in there. However, there were 4 fat caterpillars that seemed very stunned but within just a few minutes, started crawling around. A fifth tiny one, that I was ready to write off as dead, finally started moving a bit after about 30 minutes and is now, happily keeping up with the rest of them.

According to the instructions, in the next 7 to 10 days they should form the chrysalis and then 7 to 10 days following that, they should emerge as Painted Lady butterflies. Even if they take the maximum amount of time to mature. They should be ready right at Eli's estimated due date. I think we'll help them grow a bit, so we won't release them on the date that we were given from his first sonogram. The kids, hey me too for that matter, are looking forward to feeding the butterflies and taking care of them for a little bit before we release them. Frankly, right now I'm just glad that they arrived for now, safe and sound. Maybe things are looking up!

Beautiful Chaos...

So, I guess it was Wednesday, we were watching the news and they had a teaser about Grief Addiction. I had planned to watch it since I'm still surprised at people who are say, 5 years out from a loss who are still living with it like it happened yesterday and I have mentioned my "concern" about whether my blogging is causing me to needlessly reveal thoughts or feelings causing me to dwell on things. Well, the kids were running through the house in opposite directions and crashed and burned into one another so I think in my consoling the mildly wounded (more in spirit than body) I missed it. I decided to Google it this evening and came upon the article in Science Daily. It doesn't fit me, *phew* I guess I'm not an addict! But I also came across this other article on a different site that I found refreshing. Refreshing because apparently, I'm doing what I can and what I SHOULD be doing to deal with this in the best way possible.

1. Learn to let go of things that remind you of the person or situation. Whenever someone is lost to us, or whenever we find ourselves in a situation of grief, we tend to hang on to things that remind us of what we have lost. This can be attributed to the human need for something to hang on to when all else is falling: it is the human need to hope for something when all the world seems hopeless.

If someone you love has died, you might want to keep a few mementos of his or her stay on earth. However, you will need to let these things go little by little. By letting that photo, dress, or figurine go, you are also letting the person go, and letting the grief dissipate. Think: would the person have wanted you to waste your life pining away for him or her?

2. Write a gratitude journal. By recognizing what things you can still be thankful for, you are also giving yourself a chance to see the rainbow through the rain clouds. Take any ordinary notebook or diary and make a commitment to write in it at the same time every day. List down five (or more) things that you are thankful for. They can be as simple as seeing a rose bloom, or great as getting a long vacation from work.

Make this a habit, until you learn to see the good things through the bad. A gratitude journal works wonders not only in allowing people to deal with heartbreak and grief. It can make all of us understand that there is more to life than misery and pain.

3. Blog about your experiences or write a diary. Writing about your grief is one sure way of letting go of the pain. Unreleased pain can turn your heart into a festering wound: without air and a salve, the wound can go deeper, and will never heal. By writing an online diary, you can also get people to see how you feel; if your blog has a commenting or reply feature, people can also take the time to comfort you and make you feel better.

4. Engage in as many hobbies as you can. By focusing on other things instead of your grief, you can find yourself healing faster.

5. Find a support group. Talk your problems out, and listen to people with the same grief and problems as you. As many psychiatrists will tell you, talking always helps, and a support group can help show you the way to a faster recovery.

6. Don’t go it alone. Do not refuse the help of your spouse, children, or friends as they try to comfort you. The more people there are around you, the fewer the chances you will have to concentrate on your grief.

7. Have a spiritual life. Engage in prayer, or enroll in yoga or meditation classes. There are many ways to feed your spirit. By having a spiritual life, you can find strength and support in divine and unseen forces an important thing to consider when your friends and relatives are not around to support you.

8. Stay away from vices and addictions! People in grief tend to turn to alcohol, drugs, and other vices to drown their sorrows away. Stay away from these! There’s so much more to life than empty addictions!

9. Don’t force the grief away. Keep a mindset that gradual is good. The faster you get out of your grief, the easier it comes back. By keeping this mindset, you can recover better.

10. Help others. Put up a foundation celebrating the goodness of your lost child or friend. Join a charitable organization. Work in outreach programs. If you open your heart to doing good, you can stay away from the debilitating effects of grief and put smiles on the faces of those who come in contact with your goodness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, on to something a little more fun... you may remember that two of my friends, Lauren and Tasha both sent me a packet of wildflower seeds, they didn't plan it, yet they arrived in my mail box the very same day. Anyway, Karleigh (with some help) decided to put them in a much neglected corner of the house - it was HER project. She weeded it, she planted them, she waters them and talks to them. Needless to say, they're doing quite well and I can't bring myself to thin them out yet.

Yes, it's a bit of a chaotic mess when you first look at it, we didn't exactly follow the directions...

If you look closely though, since they're just starting to bloom, you will see that they are actually quite alive and very interesting!

Less Word Wednesday...

The park... according to Karleigh! (a fun day and she's loving being allowed to use the 'real' camera)

Friends I Wish I Didn't Have...

She DOES have a head and even a cute face too but since I didn't ask her permission to plaster her face all over the Internet, you'll have to use your imagination (by the way... does it bug you that "Internet" is capitalized, according to the spell check, yet "heaven" is not? That seems very wrong on so many levels). Oh and no, I'm not magic... Karleigh took the pictures of the day. She did an outstanding job! I'll help your imagination a bit, S. has blue eyes and blond hair that is cut into a longer stacked bob. She is also one in a collection of friends that I wish I didn't have. That's because she too has lost a baby, her first in very similar fashion to my first loss. We met on one of our loss boards and since she's from the great state of Montana, we kind of hit it off right away. Not to mention the fact that she went to college in Tacoma. If she weren't 5 years my junior, you could have said that we were like ships passing in the night. Sadly, we had occasion to run into each other because of our losses.

It was great to meet her face to face. It was like seeing an old friend and of course we hugged when we saw one another. She's in town for vacation and a family wedding so I jumped on the opportunity to meet up with her this morning.

Starbucks, naturally!

We met near the PDX airport so Karleigh and Rylan were pretty entertained by MAX and the planes and the weather was beautiful. We were able to chit-chat, verbally, and it was wonderful. It was so nice to not feel like I was hiding something from someone. She already knew. I didn't have that internal urge to say "yah, well, I have a dead baby..." Not that I EVER actually say that to anyone but there's an undeniable urge to tell people. I'm sure it's just the fact that I want people to understand me and where I'm coming from. I don't want sympathy, everyone has their own crosses to bear, but I'm still trying to get to that point where it's not such a desperate desire to have people understand me fully.

At any rate, I feel very blessed to have women like S. in my life. I just wish that I didn't have to...

Today, while wandering outside, I glanced over to Eli's garden and realized that a few new flowers were really thriving. The "wild" daisies, not so much since they've been blooming for a month but the heliotrope is looking great. The bachelors buttons are getting huge and the butterfly bush and phlox should be in full bloom in just a few days.

At any rate, I was looking at the heliotrope and thinking how cute and delicate it is. It had gotten munched by a deer just days after going in the ground. Just as it was recovering from that blow, it got totally trampled by the dog. Yet, it's still beautiful and actually thriving... and is probably even more full of flowers due to the injuries it received. Hummm....

Of course that brought me back to one of my favorite verses and then when I read it again later in the afternoon, it all just kind of clicked for me today.

We also glory in tribulations,knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 5:3-4

PS... sorry about the chopped pics. I loaded them through Photobucket since Blogger was having "internal errors"... but I understand those! ;)

Around Every Corner...

As I had hoped, I woke today feeling quite a bit better. Jim let me sleep in and, bonus, when I came downstairs I discovered that he was nearly done cleaning the basement (thank you little list). Score! The only problem is that he can't do everything that he wants to do because we are in limbo land with baby #3. High chair - keep or donate? Same with the infant toys, the toddler toys, a stroller, a booster seat, baby bath, tubs and tubs of toddler clothes. In the end, he organized everything nicely but the reminders are around every corner.

This evening after the kids were finally quiet in bed we both dove into cleaning our respective "catch all" cupboards (again, thank you little list). This house does have a fair amount of storage which is both a blessing and a curse. There were things that I just couldn't bring myself to get rid of because maybe, hopefully, I will need them in the future. Same for Jim... it's around every corner. It's not a "bad" thing, it's just the way it is and I'm ok with that. I suppose I will always be reminded of Eli which is also ok and in a way, actually makes me happy.

What am I Trying to Prove?

What am I trying to prove by posting something every day? I have absolutely. no. idea. I mean really, I don't feel a whole lot different than I did yesterday so why am I here, grasping for something to say. Is it because it's a challenge? Is it because it gives me a sense of control? Does doing so mean that I just keep dragging on and on about the fact that I have experienced a bummer of a loss? I don't know really. I know that in one of my very first entries, I stated that I was writing to help me deal with losing Eli and hopefully to make it a little bit easier. I think that I accomplished that goal. I feel like, most days, that I'm doing pretty well. It wouldn't matter if I missed a day or two or even *gasp* a week! Maybe part of it is that if I'm still here "dealing" with Eli, that I don't have to think about the fact that I've already lost another in this journey or that I am even ON another journey. Maybe I'm hoping that I can just go along, taking my meds, charting all the details that could make anyone blush and I won't have to think about the fact that yet again, I'm feeling a bit like that hamster trapped in the wheel.

Now, don't get me wrong... I don't feel the loss all the time. I have hours on end that I truly enjoy my life and my family and everything that I have been given but not a day goes by that I don't think about where my heart really wishes I was right now. But the fact is, I'm going to have to fight to get back to where I once was and fight even harder to bring a 3rd baby home. Um, yah. Why can't I just feel totally complete with Karleigh and Rylan? That would be easier wouldn't it, then I could just close the proverbial book on this whole baby making process and call it, close to, perfect.

I like to show the face of a mom who has healed, who is moving forward and has nothing but support for her friends. 99% of the time, that's true. Today falls into that other 1%.
One of my favorite people had her baby shower in town today, for her baby boy.
I didn't go.
I didn't even RSVP.
I suck.
People who don't RSVP are a huge pet peeve of mine, really... how hard is it to call and say "thanks but no thanks" for what ever reason.
I didn't do it - I couldn't. Actually, I probably could have but I didn't. I dropped the ball and I wasn't the friend that I should have been. She has lots and lots of friends and family so it's not like I ruined her shower, I'm sure of this. She actually visited Jim at work today and didn't even mention anything about seeing me at the shower. But it bugs me.

That certainly ended up going a different direction than I had planned but hey, that's kind of par for the course lately isn't it!?! I'm hoping to get a good bunch of sleep tonight and to greet tomorrow a little more bright eyed and bushy tailed and hopefully with a higher temp. Yah, it has the capability to consume so many of my thoughts.

A Thought...

One of my friends sent the following "thought" to me in an e-mail this morning. I love it...

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you,but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence..... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

I'm still having those days where I'm bugged by the fact that I would be hugely pregnant and just counting down the mere days until we would be joined by our baby boy. I'm hoping that, come the end of the month, I'll be able to allow my self to just let go because that's not my reality. Instead, today I put away the samples of infant formula that I received in the mail and ordered the butterfly larvae (I might be a bit late on that one, to have them ready the first week in August, but that's ok and it'll be close.) This morning the kids and I went outside for them to play in the pool while I enjoyed my cup of coffee. I sat there next to Eli's garden and kept looking back and forth between the garden, which is thriving and the two kids I have here on Earth, who are also thriving. I kept looking at them thinking about how they would be, at this very age, with a new baby. They would have really enjoyed it. I, however, need to remember that there must be a bigger reason for why things have gone down this way, why I've been pregnant six times and only get to hear the laughter from two children. I am very grateful for those two.

I'm not questioning why, but I sure am curious. I think that's a very important distinction to understand. I'm not running the "poor me and all my dead babies" line of thought. I really am just curious why I was chosen. I know there are others who have fared far worse losses than I have and I know that mine don't make me "special". I just have a huge desire to be able to understand the larger picture...

Happy Anniversary!

Matthew 19:4-6
" 'Haven't you read', He said, 'That at the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.' "

Nine years ago, Jim and I stood side by side in front of God, our families and our friends and recited our vows. We ran headlong into life together and haven't looked back. It was a beautiful, hot, dry summer day in Montana and even though we've weathered some big storms our days together have remained beautiful. It's funny to me now to look back and think about all of the planning for the wedding that we did. It was one fun party that reached into the wee hours of the next day but my true joy doesn't come from our wedding, it comes from our marriage.

We celebrated our marriage, low key style today with the kids. We took them to their first movie at the theatre... Wall-E. It was a great way to spend our anniversary since Wall-E is a love story with a sprinkling of "take care of the earth and yourself". They were SO good! We will certainly take them again. We then went to lunch at the local "grill", did a little shopping and headed home to play in the sun. Dessert was red velvet cake with a cream cheese frosting - yum! (I can hear it calling my name from the fridge...)

It feels like Jim has always been a part of my life yet, at the same time, there are so many things that I remember, even from the days that we were dating, like they were yesterday. I hope it's still this way in 50 years!

Wordless Wednesday...

Anything?...

After 140 posts, I think maybe, just maybe, I have come to a point where I'm still thinking things but getting them down on paper, er, the screen is a bit tough lately. Maybe I should have taken more pictures today to share here instead!

Oh, first update... my dad is still in the hospital. They are working on getting his sodium levels raised. That seems to be what started the latest chain of events, which led to a second seizure last night and my mom carting him off to the ER. He'll probably be there for a few days getting supplements to improve those levels and figure out why they are so low to begin with.

second update, which isn't really an update but more of a thought... which I shouldn't really have entertained since it wouldn't change anything but I do have a theory as to what caused Eli's heart to stop beating. Last October I had a small growth removed from my scalp. SIMPLE procedure in the Dr.'s office. Prior to the incision, the doctor decided that I should have a tetanus shot... but not just your regular run of the mill tetanus shot... the new fancy TdaP - tetanus, diphtheria and pertussis. "Coincidentally" within a couple of days, I could barely move my arm and just felt sick all over. I had planned on taking the kids up to my parents house so that we could go to the Halloween Carnival where my mom teaches. I remember getting out of the car at their house and telling my dad "I feel like my entire body has been poisoned". I took some Advil and felt better for the carnival. I was woken up that night from itching. I had a hard time waking up but thought, "gosh, there must be something in the sheets, the cat must have brought a flea in..." as I woke more I realized that I was covered in hives. I spent the rest of the weekend in the recliner in the family room just about topped out on Benadryl. The meds didn't make them go away but it did provide some relief. I started doing some research on my own and with my non-vax'ing mom friends and found that I was probably having a reaction to the pertussis component of the vaccine. It was too late at that point - the "poison" was already in my system. For weeks off and on I had hives, I was never able to figure out what was initiating them. Eggs, Coke, and my prenatal vitamin seemed to set them off. Benadryl is a "safe" med to take during pregnancy so that's not my concern or thought. I really think that since I conceived just 2 weeks after the vaccination that that probably caused the problem. I think it's very likely that my body kept attacking this "foreign thing" that Eli just couldn't fight anymore. I don't have proof and I never will. I don't need it. I know there's nothing that I could do or could have done to prevent it - other than birth control but it all makes sense. While I was researching the side-effects of this vaccine (sadly after the fact) there were quite a few notations of miscarriage and stillbirth but since this is a vaccine that many younger adults (those entering college) receive, there was also a fair amount of notation as to a lack of prenatal care. I don't know. At times it seems like a stretch to tie the two together but at the same time, in hindsight, it makes a lot of sense.

Thanks for reading through my whole stream of consciousness there if you were able to. I don't question why things turned out the way they did but my heart is leaning towards this as being a very reasonable explanation.

In My Ear...

Well, today I realized that having a list, for anything, makes me feel like I'm in control. I like being in control. I like making lists. I got a few more things scratched off a two page list of things that I would like to get done in the next month. I also added some things to that list.

I guess that control from the list making was a good thing. It lead me to put a second coat of paint on our front steps, which lead me to realize that they really should be replaced in the next year or so. I decided to call my parents and just put a bug in their ear about them discussing it. My dad answered the phone since mom had been outside weeding. He let mom know I was on the phone and within 10 minutes, she quickly told me that she had to go because she had just heard my dad fall. He's had the flu so I figured that he probably had another seizure since he'd been throwing up his anti-seizure meds. It turns out, that's what it was. She was able to get to him and let him "ride out" the seizure. It just made me think again about how God is always in control. I stopped from picking up the phone twice before but I had that nagging feeling that I should just go ahead and call. I figured fine, I'll call even though telling them about the steps isn't a big deal. Turns out it WAS a big deal because it's very likely that mom would have still been outside working in the yard and wouldn't have been inside to hear dad fall. That's not a for sure thing, but it's a possibility.

At a Loss...

Wow. I am just totally at a loss... I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not upset, I'm not thrilled. I just "am" and I'm ok with that. I had a slightly productive day and got the front and back steps scraped and repainted along with the trim around the doors. So, YAY me!

Truthfully things are ok but I am finding that I'm holding back a bit from the looking ahead towards things - probably from fear of letting myself down again but right now I'm at a list making phase. Lists help me feel in control another part of that is due to the fact that we are going to have house guests in a month -house guests who probably won't notice many of the things that we have done but will certainly comment on things that should or could be done. The other thing that bugs me is the "firsts". They're uncomfortable. I hate that first visit after a loss... the "you had a 'miscarriage', get over it" thing that is unspoken. Anyway, that's just my hangup. And hey, it'll be done and over with then right?!

And why is it that we care what other people think of us? I mean really. What someone else thinks truly should have zero impact on what I do and how I do it. But I still wonder. I wonder what people are thinking, what they are holding back from saying. I'm sure it's just insecurity but why? Humm, I guess maybe that's something that I can wok through.

Soggy...

It's a soggy night here - pouring rain, high humidity and perhaps the let-down of the holiday yesterday. I'm tired, mentally and physically. My parents were here for a few days and many times when they're here now, we work our fingers to the bone because it's much more pleasant to be working with someone else and an extra set of eyes on the kiddos is super helpful. This comes in handy especially when it's larger projects including pick-axes and chainsaws.... in cherry trees... that are really close to power lines... all is well though! Yesterday the weather was perfect for working outside so, much to the dismay of K, who thought we needed to start "the party" at 9 am, we got quite a bit of work done around the yard. We did end up having a nice 4th with a few fireworks... very few "fire" works since I'm completely neurotic about worrying about the fields. The kids did enjoy party poppers, pop-its, smoke balls and snakes so it was all good!

The essential, "please look at mommy!"

Helping to move the "heaby" cherry branch... (the tree needed to be trimmed anyway so grandpa was a smarty and decided that now, while there's fruit on it, would be a good time to do it - yum!)

The aftermath of a run in with a "snake" and an itch that had to be scratched...

The proof that we were both here... looking a little worn out from the work...

The "grand finale" - a $3.25 ladybug that K picked out...

Anyway, it was a nice, laid back holiday when it was all said and done. But now, now I'm at the low end of the swing again. I had to make a VERY conscious effort not to dwell on the "what could have beens" of this year. I had imagined a very hot and sweaty 4th, full of sitting around and making the final baby plans. I had then imagined, and was thankful for the fact that at least I would be newly pregnant, was looking forward to my first appointment a day earlier and the thought that "at least I won't have to go through this holiday 'empty' too"... well, I ended up trying to brush all of those thoughts aside, keep myself busy and be thankful for everything that was in front of me. For the most part, it worked. It's mentally exhausting but a very normal part of this process. At least I hope it is.

Tomorrow will be a new day, the weather should turn for the better again and it should be a nice family day!

4th of July!

I hope you had a happy and safe 4th of July! I was going to share some photos from today but as we wandered out late this evening, we noticed the cutest little short dog that was terrified of the fireworks. So, we're out keeping her company for a while!

Thankful Thursday...

I don't have a lot of words for today so I'm going to share some photos of a few things for which I am thankful...

Have a safe and Happy 4th of July!

Less Word Wednesday...

I have loved watching the evolution of Eli's Garden this summer. It just doesn't seem that the photos that I have taken do it justice. So, you'll have to trust me when I say, as you sit in the yard, you can clearly see the yellow and white of the daisies, the deep purple of the salvia, the pure purple of the lavender, the soft pink of the Sweet William along with the punctuation of bright magenta from another vintage flower that we've always overlooked . I love how there are flowers that we purchased, that were given to me from the garden of one of my best friends, flowers that were plucked from various places on the property and flowers that were already in this location and referred to as "weeds" just last year. The garden is getting ready to go through another growth spurt as the butterfly bush and the "nursery" daisies are preparing to bloom along with the heliotrope. I'm really excited to see what his garden looks like in several weeks.

Peace...

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear...

Isaiah 58:8

I don't know if it's because it is a new month... if it's because I'm healing... if it's because at least now I can move forward... but I'm feeling at peace with things today and actually, a little bit excited.

I have wondered for a while now, how I would feel when I turned the calender to July - the month that we were anticipating Eli's arrival. Sure he was officially due in August but we were looking towards July. We envisioned a live baby, kicking and screaming on a hot summer day and had even discussed coming home outfits for the heat and how the parking garage attached to the new hospital would provide much needed shade. Turns out, he arrived silently, on a dark February morning which turned into a beautiful, sunny clear February day... so different from what I was feeling.

I am allowing myself to move forward from both the loss of Eli and the newest loss. I was being cautiously optimistic this time around but it felt much like my first two losses... a later loss and then an early loss. I wouldn't ever minimize someone elses losses but, personally, my losses up to the 8 to 10 week mark are much different than those that fall past that first trimester mark... that time when everything is supposed to be OK. I will never look at ANY time in a pregnancy as being OK again. What will be, will be - and I will have to deal with what ever comes my way.

But today, today I will be a mom and wife, who needs to do some straightening of the house, mainly mopping while the kids are napping in hopes of avoiding wet foot prints on the floor and slippery crash and burns. I will look towards the future without fear and I will enjoy each of the gifts that I have been given both to enjoy here and the surprises that await me in Heaven.