Inconclusive...

That was the word that I most feared... inconclusive.

I finally mustered up the strength and courage to call my Dr.'s office and follow up on the genetic/chromosomal analysis that was done on Eli's body. They told us that they would have results in 4 weeks and since it's been almost 6, I decided to call... and wait over 3 long hours to have my call returned. Good right? Wrong. The tissue is forever listed as "failure to grow".

When I first discovered that my baby had in fact died, I was told that it looked like there was a mass on the brain. That, I had no trouble accepting. The next day I was told that it was likely a chromosomal issue. That was a slightly harder pill to swallow knowing that I would have to wait even longer but I was assured that they could run several types of tests. And now, now, I have zero answers.

There are a number of reasons as to why this could be but it doesn't really matter WHAT the reason is. I will never, ever, ever know why Eli's heart stopped beating. I will not know if it was genetic or chromosomal, if it was something that he inherited from us or a "fluke" of nature. I will not know if it was caused by a problem in my body. I will not know if any future pregnancies could be impacted the same way. It could have been collected wrong, stored wrong, tested wrong, he could have been gone too long - but I know I delivered about 46 hours after he died.

I know that there is a fine line between getting to spend time with him, after delivery, and the sacrificing of a "fresh specimen." It's kind of a yucky thing but the fact of the matter is, the longer his tiny body was at room temperature, the quicker the cells died and started decomposing. His body was not placed in the "cooler" when I was sent for emergency surgery, his body wasn't rushed away from me at any point. That's all part of the grieving process that the hospital allowed us to go through. It would have been a trade off - memories, foot prints, holding him, photos or maybe knowing his genetic make up and maybe knowing why his heart stopped and... maybe not. I am glad that we have the memories that we do. I would hate to forget what his fingers, feet or face looked like, but I'm honestly torn just a little bit. I guess a part of me feels like I was selfish about the time that we were given and that we took. However, the other part of me knows that it's selfish to also want to know what happened. Ugh... I can't have it both ways. That would have been too perfect if there could have been anything "perfect" about this situation. I just find it so crazy that they had my baby's entire body and yet, they can't tell me what happened. However, science can tell us why or how someone died 100 years ago. Frustrating.

I'm sad and frustrated and disappointed that we will never know. I was hoping that this would be the last chapter of this book but it just feels very unfinished right now. We struggled with even deciding for sure to go ahead with the analysis beyond the basic autopsy, which came out clean, and now I'm kind of regretting doing it. There is a tiny part of me that is kind of freaking out about the fact that in spending so much time - if 4 hours can be considered "so much time" - that could be the reason the specimen failed to grow. Ugh, such a place to be right now.

I know ultimately that it was and is all in God's hands. I am working on the peace that's going to be necessary to get over this hurdle but God has a history of turning impossible situations into new beginnings - "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It is often, that when I sit down to spew my feelings, that I really have no idea what the end result will be. It is that way today for sure. Today has been just a very 'balanced' day, no extreme emotion of sadness, or anger, or bitterness, just very balanced and calm. Peaceful. What a wonderful blessing to be able to say that I am at peace and to have it be totally true.

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Cool! I wish more moms who are having to walk this path would realize that. Sometimes I get the feeling that people think that because I'm not angry and bitter and spewing a million questions like "what gives God the right to take my baby away..." that I miss Eli less or that I didn't want him as much. That makes me so very sad because it just isn't true. Bringing living children into this world is not something that comes easy to us. Eli was, and continues to be, a total blessing. It's just different - a different blessing than I could ever have imagined. Because of my faith, I'm growing better (hopefully) from this experience. Yes, many times a day my smile turns into a frown when I think about what I could/would/should be doing had Eli's heart not stopped beating but going down in that deep dark pit isn't going to change it. And yes, there are times when I'm truly enjoying myself and all of a sudden my heart will hurt and I have fleeting moments of thinking "how can I possibly be so happy, my baby is dead?" But, it is because of God that I can experience the sun even during the darkest times.

God has a plan for my life and he wants to make it known to me - sometimes He has to scream and other times He can whisper. At any rate, it is not my job to try to dissect or direct that plan. My job is to follow and to let every event in my life contribute to my growth. As Psalm 138:8 states: The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me, His love endures forever and He will not abandon the works of His hands.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

How can I argue with that?! I can't. I'm happy to say that I don't think I ever thought "why did God do this TO me..." I know I've wondered why, but I don't think I've ever felt like taking Eli was something that He did TO me. Aren't we all His children anyway? Obviously this is part of His plan for me and I do have hope for the future.

I can say that I am starting to have more "up" days than "down". I could truly enjoy our crazy weather today. We got out in the snow again today. I had forgotten that snow has a scent, and I like it! I felt the cold on my nose and cheeks, it was really nice. The crunch under my feet as I chased the kids and the sting of my fingers when I took my gloves off to take some photos... all things that I made a conscious effort to enjoy today.

So, tomorrow will be yet another day and I am going to try to enjoy it to the fullest of my ability - YAY!

Sensory Therapy...

Happy Friday!

Well, since it's another snowy day here (go figure!?) The kids and I decided to just let loose again and turn on some music and take pictures (the light reflecting back in the house from the snow provides for great natural lighting). Of course, their attention span is pretty short but I got a few decent shots and they ran off to watch a movie and play with a few floor puzzles together. Generally, when they're playing together, there's no need for me... they work it out and enjoy one another so that's good for me! I stayed in the office, kept the music on and drank in the words and the beauty of my kids while working on their photos. The entire time though, it certainly was evident to me, that Eli was missing. I feel like there should be three - not just two and I'm aware of it when my head gets away from me.

There's a new song on my play list. It's called Homesick by MercyMe. I came across it just last night, not sure why I hadn't seen it before but today another mom posted it too so I figured that instead of trying to figure out the "why", I would just share it here. I also decided to post the YouTube video if you prefer to enjoy it that way (remember to pause the play list on the right first)

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

So, today has really been a sensory therapy of sorts. Between the music and the photos and the reading that I've done today, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm at peace with my reality even if I don't "like" all of it right now.

Great and Small...

... the snow covered them all!

It was quite the surprise this morning to hear little R yelling "Momma! Momma! Snow! Shoes! Snow outside!" So, I wiped the sleep from my eyes, peeked out and yes, we were covered in more Spring snow. Before I knew it, they were both downstairs throwing on their Crocs. Forget boots, apparently this Winter made them tough, and they both flew out the door. So, being the laid back (lazy?) momma that I am, I figured it wouldn't cause any permanent damage to let them play in their pj's. Plus, I figured, the less they were wearing would be directly related to the amount of time that I would have to stand out there shivering.

Sure enough, my plan worked! Within about 7 minutes, K decided she was cold and proceeded to beg me to let her go back in the house.

However, R wasn't cold yet or even thinking about heading back inside so the chase ensued around the house. When he tried to climb the slide, unsuccessfully, he too finally decided that he had had enough. No harm, no foul and every one was happy.

Psalm 212:1-2

I lift up my eyes to the hills-

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

Today has been an enjoyable day. It has been fun and full of laughs, of running and jumping in the snow and cuddling on the couch to warm up. Thank you Lord, for this Spring snow!

Like The Weather...

... in the Pacific Northwest, my emotions, that is. Seriously, it's nearly April and I snapped these photos today around noon and no, it's not rain... it's SNOW! I guess it just goes to show, even the weather is allowed to do some wild swinging back and forth. So, I'm okay with allowing myself to do the same thing. I know that yesterday I wrote about being tired, exhausted really. Last night I slept about 12 hours straight, thanks to Jim having today off, and it felt good but I'm still tired. I think that physically I'm just needing to catch up to where my mind is and that's part of my problem.

When you bring home a live baby you're supposed to give yourself about 6 weeks before you start to feel like your "normal" self again. It's only been 5 weeks since we said both "hello" and "goodbye" to Eli. It's slightly comforting to know that this wound is still very fresh even though at many times, it feels like it was in another life time. I think my body has FINALLY caught on to the fact that we don't have a live baby to care for, my head has known for a while and my heart will always know that someone is missing.

A Brick Wall...

It seems that today could be summed up with this photo that I "borrowed" from the great world wide web. I have felt today as though I'm trying to climb this wall, that I'm talking to this wall, that I'm trying to see thorough this wall... it's just not working.

I'm exhausted physically and that takes a mental toll. I see a ton of things around me that I want to do but I know I don't have the ability to finish some of them and the "sinking funds" to finish others. Derailing our family budget would not be a wise thing. It would not help me feel any better at all. So, now I get to try to climb this wall or break through it. I know I can, and will, do it but today is just one of "those" days where the tide is moving in quickly. There's really no particular reason for it today. It just is.

I know that I can handle it, that there are far worse things that I could be dealing with right now, but many times I wish it was just a steady curve of growth and healing instead of this crazy wonky thing that currently looks like the Stock Market graphs. *sigh* The great thing is that tomorrow is a new day. And to quote a lovely movie (Meet The Robinson's) I just need to "Keep Moving Forward..."

This song was something that I clung to when I first found out about my pregnancy with Eli... now it carries the same meaning, just in a totally different perspective.
Don't forget to pause the music on the play list to your right before watching the video.

Here are the lyrics for you if you don't know the song:

Let it go,

Let it roll right off your shoulder

Don't you know

The hardest part is over

Let it in,

Let your clarity define you

In the end

We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away,

But these small hours,

These small hours still remain

Let it slide,

Let your troubles fall behind you

Let it shine

Until you feel it all around you

And I don't mind

If it's me you need to turn to

We'll get by,

It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away,

But these small hours,

These small hours still remain

All of my regret

Will wash away some how

But I can not forget

The way I feel right now

In these small hours

These little wonders

These twists & turns of fate

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away but these small hours

These small hours, still remain,

Still remain

These little wonders

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away

But these small hours

These little wonders still remain

Hope Does Not Disappoint...

Easter left-overs provided a bit for me to think about today... I love Easter eggs for their color, their beautiful outside designed to look just the way I want. In order to get into the egg and reach the nourishment, I have to crack the outside of that beautiful shell and discard it. However, once the broken shell is tossed in the garbage or set aside, there are still marks on the inside of the egg... proof of the boiling and coloring that the egg has been through.

I guess it's kind of obscure but my point is, no matter how much I might want to discard and hide what I've been through, every trial leaves a bit of "color" on my soul and that's a beautiful thing. I have to remind myself to be thankful for all that I've gone through.

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God had poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

Romans 5:3-5

Happy Easter!

~The great gift of Easter is hope~

May this Easter Sunday find you full of hope, joy and the promise that He made.

Luke 24:6

"He is not here, but is risen"

A "Normal" Saturday!

Today was a great, normal, Saturday! For the first time in over a month, I didn't feel like I was pretending to really, truly, be ok. I'll never be the same but that's fine with me if the new me gets to have many more days like today. We played outside in the sun with bubbles, Frisbees, and ran through the fields. It felt great to get outside and breathe in the fresh air in preparation for (a rainy) Easter Sunday.

I actually felt like a "normal" person today and that was excellent. My mom and dad (& the dog) came down for the weekend and we had our "big" dinner tonight. There were a few times that I bumped into the stove and sink while making dinner and I thought about how my tummy would have been sticking out and in the way even more if I was still pregnant with Eli. It did feel, once or twice, that the calender next to the stove was taunting me. I could still slightly see the erased weeks that had been written down before but I kept it together and kept everything in perspective. I know God has a great plan for our family and I'm excited to so how it unfolds!

Good Grief...

... really, it's been good grief.

I am so thankful that I can be at a point where I feel ok with the grief. I will never not miss Eli but I'm ok with that and in fact, that makes me happy.

However, in being ok with missing him, I feel like somehow I am failing his memory. That first week, I thought for sure that I would be a blubbering mess. I was. I decided that I needed to get a grip on everything that I was going through and that it was ok to feel every emotion under the sun, all at the same time, and that provided some healing. Now that I feel like I'm really keeping my head above water, that somehow makes me sad too. Good grief...

I know I'm not really failing Eli and I think about him just as much as I did the day he was born, it's just in a different context and with different emotions. I need to be okay with the 'good grief.' Luckily, I think I'm getting there. Having Spring under way is helping, I'm sure. It's much easier to look out the windows and see even more signs of life than were there last week instead of the alternative. Hopefully soon we'll be able to start on the flower beds and that too will be therapeutic. Until then, I'm getting outside - between the rain and hail storms - to ponder the future and coincidentally, was visited by another hummingbird today as I stepped out for a quick breath of fresh air! Just a fleeting visit that still leaves a smile on my face - just like my son...

One Month...

It has now been a month (and 13 hours) since I silently delivered Eli. A month does not sound like a very long time but it's been a pretty incredible journey. I have gone from feeling like there would be no way possible for me to leave the hospital without my child to feeling both beat up and beat down, to being at total peace with the events that took place. I have cried, I have laughed, I have walked in the shadows of other mothers going through similar experiences. I have only left the house three times but hey, I'm reducing my 'carbon footprint' and not straying from our family budget! I have total peace but I'm still not quite 100%, obviously. I still have physical reminders of what I've gone through and I expect that the tides will shift again before too long but I still believe that there was a purpose for this all happening.

I have come to terms with my new normal. We still do normal "normal" things around here... coloring Easter eggs, cooking, playing, cleaning, time-outs, baths, movies, and getting outside when the weather cooperates. But, there's also a new normal. The normal that every day I will be asked the question "when are we going to have a new baby?", "why did baby Eli die", the new normal where I still know that I would have been in the middle of my 21st week of pregnancy, we would know if the baby was a boy or girl, we would have a list of names, the nursery would be started again, I would be completely in maternity clothes or sweats, my sciatic nerve would be screaming at me, I would weigh about 15 pounds more than I do now... those thoughts are still with me. I'm ok with it though. Those thoughts are all conceived by me, not by what God's plan is for me.

I'm having kind of a quiet day today. I miss Eli, terribly, but at the same time I can't take myself down the road where I'm a mess about today. I know he's safe, I know he's happy - that makes it hard for me to be totally worked up about this angel-versary. There will always be a part of my heart that's missing but there's also a part of it that I would never had known had Eli never come in to my life.

A Change of Peace...

Nope, I didn't spell that wrong.

It's exactly what I feel today... a change of peace. I had come to terms with the fact that Wednesdays would be full of anxiety but today is different. Literally, I have a change of Peace. It's complete peace today. At 1:04 am, yes I was still awake for the 4th week in a row, but I wasn't crying in bed. I was sitting at my computer reading about His perfect plan in someone elses life. I realized He does have a perfect plan for each and every one of us, I just have to follow the path that He sets before me. I'm sure I'm not "over it", I will never be "over Eli" and I won't be surprised if tomorrow greets me with a different emotion but right now, I do have complete peace about Eli missing from this Earth. I don't believe that there is anything that I could have done differently to change the outcome. I have to give it to God and be faithful that there is a reason and even if I never understand it in this lifetime, I have complete peace about it. Today is beautiful and sunny. My heart isn't totally weighed down. I'm planning for things beyond the present day. It feels great!

The photo above is of ceramic heart keepsake that our hospital provided to us. It reminds me of Mt. St. Helens ash. It is supposed to signify that hole that is left in your heart when you lose a child all too soon, that a piece of your heart will always be with that child. True. However, I looked at this photograph today and it had a totally different meaning to me. Our plan was to put the smaller heart with Eli's ashes but I just haven't been able to do that. Today I looked at it and realized that to me, it doesn't signify the loss of something in my life anymore, it signifies the gift. Without that little heart, the picture would be incomplete.

John 14:27
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.
Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

Thank you!

Smacked Upside The Head...

I got smacked upside the head today in the most fabulous way!

It was something that made me cry and smile at the same time.

You see, I was trying to act "normal" today, keep my mind off things that I cannot control and be a bit productive at the same time (multi-tasking at its finest). Our office/guest room closet is pretty much my arch-nemesis. Everything seems to end up in that closet. That's also where my maternity clothes were so my first goal was to get those boxed up so they would quit laughing at me every time I opened the door. Next step was to gut the closet. Finally, having made quite a bit of progress, I came to yet another box. It held some things that I had cleaned out of my grandma and grandpa's little desk a year or so ago. And by "cleaned" I mean, just stuck in a box and moved it to another place in the house - out of sight, out of mind. I knew what was in there - old check books, bank statements, closed account notices from every time grandpa decided to switch banks. Anyway, I was quickly thumbing through each envelope before it went in a burn pile box. A tiny slip of paper fell out and on to the bed. It was folded in half and when I opened it I could tell it was grandma who had written it.

It reads: "Time and tide move on and we move with them or we find ourselves defending battlements that have been deserted, not only by our enemies, but by our friends as well."

Those words were written down and that paper was folded in half at least 20 years ago based on her handwriting and the dates on the envelopes that it fell from. Even knowing that those words were speaking very loudly to me, I consciously thought "no way..." and actually said out loud, "... not sure I believe I was MEANT to find that today." So, I folded it back up, set it on the end table and went to make my lunch. I heated my soup on the stove and sat down at my computer while it was warming. I opened my email and the e-votional in my in box was "BELIEVE!" - as if it was shouting at me. So, I opened it, read it about four times and yes I do believe that that note was written years ago for me to find it today. I've been having a rough few days, doing the questioning thing, being a bit angry and not letting things 'roll' like I normally would.

To quote several passages from the message today...

"Faith is always a choice. If we believers had to have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it would not be faith, but a rational action. Real faith requires us to step into the unknown and believe in Jesus because of what we read in His Word, not as a result of what we rationalize."

"As disciples of our Lord Jesus Christ, we need to come to the place in our spiritual life where we quit the impossible task of trying to figure things out. The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."

"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him. The choice is yours. I trust and pray that you make the third choice and that it will be your final answer!"

I have been saying all along that I have faith and hope and that I believe that there is a reason for all of this but I have always added the disclaimer "I just want to know what it is". I am working really hard to remind myself to remove that qualifier. I have to. I believe that God made sure that grandma wrote those words (which by the way, I can't seem to tie to anyone even with all the powers of Google), that she folded the paper and it ended up tucked in between some old bank statements. I believe that last year it didn't fall out when I put everything in the box because I wasn't meant to find and read it until today. It's all kind of overwhelming to know that God knew that my grandma would have a great grandson who wouldn't live to take a breath, a granddaughter who needed desperately to read those words but would question them and have the need to believe reaffirmed.

It all goes back to that passage from a week or so ago (that I had come across a number of times in the same day)

From Psalm 139
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

WOW!

When Life Hands You Lemons...

When life hands you lemons, you're supposed to make lemon-aide right?

Well, today, life dumped a whole produce aisle on me and frankly, all I wanted to do with those lemons was collect them in a bowl and fire at them at someones stupid, ignorant head.


However, I took a deep breath and realized that all that would do is make a really sticky mess that would sting my hangnails while I try to clean it up.

Ok, you probably realize that there isn't actually someone standing in my kitchen who is going to reap some physical, lemon wrath but that was the way I felt earlier today. Had it been possible, it may have happened.

I had to pray, hard, for some peace, understanding and acceptance of someone else's ignorant statements and attitude. All the while I was also defending myself and my feelings not to mention that fact this person pulled out and tried to play a "card" that she shouldn't have (it's a ridiculously long twisted story). Wouldn't you know it though... out of the woodwork came people who let me know that they appreciate what I've said, what I'm going through and that that other person was totally out of line. It meant a lot to me and helped me realize that I was not the one with the problem. The point is I realized today that it doesn't matter what someone else thinks... they're my emotions and I don't need to apologize for them especially if it has nothing to do with them. Chances are they're not going to understand them anyway. I can laugh. I can cry. I can joke around. I can get sad. I can be numb. I can get protective of others going through the same thing. My emotions are mine to own. They are what they are - nothing more, nothing less.

I had a bit of a Forrest Gump moment just before I sat down to "think" this through...

Lemon-Aide, Lemon Ice, Lemon Chicken, Lemon Pudding, Lemon Bars, Lemon Meringue Pie, Lemon Drops, Lemon Marmalade, Lemon Spritzers...

I think I'll actually be able to use these "lemons" for quite a few things and for quite a few days! Anyone care to join me!?!

"Life is Like a Box of Chocolates..."

I wonder what I'll get tomorrow!

$14,623.90 and counting...

$14,623.90 and counting... that's the total on the EOB's that I've received (to date) to NOT bring Eli home alive. That does not include my prenatal visits prior to him passing away or the genetic testing that we chose to have done in hopes of getting some sort of answer as to "why". It also doesn't include what it would have cost Amy to come and photograph Eli alive. Amy graciously donated her time and services as a photographer for NILMDTS. Some people bring their babies home in car seats, we brought ours home in an urn. It should be interesting to see the final total on this whole thing. Before anyone gets too concerned, we have excellent insurance thank God... really. For that, I am so very grateful.

I am trying to remember all the things that I am grateful for. That's probably the reason I seem to rehash that every few days. The things I put here are more concrete in my mind, it's kind of like saying it out loud. I'm grateful that I have two healthy kids, a ridiculously loving and patient husband, my health, a roof over my head, food in my pantry, money in the bank, safe vehicles that run and are paid for and those are just the physical things that I can see from my cozy sofa.

Things are going to be ok. It's just a simple fact that I have to remind myself of all the good in my life. It's hard not to get dragged back down a little bit every time I know someone is getting ready to start this journey of missing her baby. So many times it doesn't seem fair but I don't think life is about fair. It's about making something of what I've been given and being grateful for all of it. I have to remind myself that it's not about the "why" I have to go through it, it's about the "how" I choose to go through it.

Lessons...

I'm writing late tonight, mostly because I haven't been able to nail down a single, solid thought all day today. I'm not really in 'decision making mode' right now. Goodness, I just told Jim to feed me "whatever" for dinner tonight so that's just the way the day has been. I kind of seem to be in limbo right now and I know that's ok. So instead of putting a whole lot of energy into dragging an original thought from my brain. I thought I'd expand on something I came across earlier in this process.

I've learned that I can keep going long after I thought I couldn't possibly function.
I've learned that friends can sometimes become strangers, and strangers can become friends.

I've learned that angels can hide their wings under scrubs.
I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for lack of compassion.
I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it" even if they try.

I've learned that I hope those people are never in the position to see things from my point of view.
I've learned that no matter how bad my heart is broken the world doesn't stop for my grief.

I've learned that no matter how bad I think it is, it could always be worse.
I've learned that life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
I've learned that the people we care most about in life are always taken from us too soon.
I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.

I've learned that it's ok to laugh and cry at the same time.
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But the same is true for love.

Eli's tiny footprints from the hospital, smudges and all:

If the eyes had no tears,
the soul would have no rainbow.
~Native American Proverb

The weather today here was totally crazy. It was all over the place in a very short time. It was rainy, sunny, hailing, calm, clear and bright, dark and cloudy. Although we didn't see snow today they're forecasting it for our elevation tomorrow!

My point is that while I was watching the weather swing wildly back and forth today, I realized how much that seemed to mirror the emotions that I've been feeling lately. Grief isn't a single emotion, it's multi-faceted. This morning I woke with a specific friend in mind and literally ran to the computer to start it up and see if she had checked in. I was optimistic for today and quite excited to tackle the tasks for today. It was sunny. Well, my friend checked in and the rain came pouring down, more than the gutters could handle. I had to finish my projects for today and completing them made me feel really good, the sun came out and warmed up the totally clean house. The sun felt so good but before long the rain started falling again...

Without sun AND rain, we can't witness the beauty of a rainbow and what it represents.

Eli has caused me to be so much more aware of my surroundings, of other people, and really to experience everything from every angle if possible. Sometimes when I think about Eli, it feels like the rain, sometimes it feels like the sun. I'm pretty sure it will always be that way and I'm ok with that. I enjoy the rainbows.

Thursday...

Thursday - I like Thursdays... a lot! I think it's because I'm past the day of the week when we delivered Eli. Sunday is tough too but not like Wednesday. I'm hoping that at some point in time, Wednesday will just be Wednesday, no baggage, no tossing and turning in bed, no silent tears breaking loose, no sadness, no pain.


Over the last few days it's been a pretty tough battle for me to stay above water. Sickness? Exhaustion? Sadness? Reality? All of the above? I don't know for sure but I have accepted that this is going to be much like a rip tide. If I try to swim against it, it's going to wear me out, drag me down and I'll drown. However, just like with a rip tide, if I swim with it, let it take me where it's going to go, it quickly loses it's grip and I can safely make it to shore again.

Yes it's silly but it always seems sunnier on Thursday. Even though it's raining outside on this particular Thursday, I've been thinking about Eli's little flower garden. Hey, I've been thinking about the whole yard. Then I think about Eli, the garden, Eli, the yard, Eli, the outside, Eli... they have naturally meshed together. So here is a pic that has inspired me and makes me happy: (from the Internet via my friend S, not my photo this time)

I love these colors! They don't have to be watered!!!

And look... moss, rocks and green stuff... I can DO THAT!

~edited to add~ turns out these are works of an artist who is fairly local! http://www.claredohna.com/

Besides flowers, plants and some yard art, I'd like to add a few hummingbird feeders and a few of you know why. It's a bit of a long story but hummingbirds mean something a little more now. Plus, K loves making hummingbird food and R... well, R likes anything that flies! I found these online that I thought were really neat - much more colorful and interesting than my regular feeder that is currently doing its job.

They look like candy don't they!?

Anyway, today is a good day. I like getting over the hump of Wednesday. I like looking forward to the weekend (which is rather silly since I'm a stay at home mom). I LOVE the fact that this Sunday is supposed to be sunny again. I am looking forward to walking through the yard with all four of us working on deciding what we should add this year. We all talk about Eli, we might as well all work on the flower garden/gardens together. Plus, this summer I was planning on tending to a new baby, instead we will tend to our garden of flowers and hummingbird feeders. I don't plan on having a single all out shopping trip or anything like that. I have used 'retail therapy' in the past with my losses and I refuse to go down that road again. I plan on slowly collecting things that 'speak' to me and building the color in the yard. I do NOT plan on going into debt to work on our garden.

One great thing about living on 90 sprawling acres is that I can pick and choose where I place my shovel and turn over the dirt. I don't really have any boundaries to hold me back and while, in the past this has rather bothered me, this time I can enjoy just picking spots throughout the yard that are comfortable and comforting. I certainly don't have my garden plan yet but I do plan on taking in the sun, feeling the dirt and smelling the air while working on the yard this spring and summer, and the next and the next...

Change...

I am having a hard time with change, always have unless I'm the one who's controlling it. Humm, well, maybe I have a few control issues too but that's not my point right now. My point is that without change there can't be growth. Life would be a very boring, stagnant place. Sure there might be no sorrow but there probably wouldn't be any joy either. I have got to remember that there will always be changes that I cannot control but I can control how I react to them.

There are a lot of things that a big part of me would like to change about this journey that I'm on. I would really like to not lie in bed awake every night tossing and turning until the clock shows 1:04 am. I guess I can be thankful that Eli wasn't born at 3:04 am! I kind of wish that my heart didn't automatically know when Tuesday night arrives so I could get some rest and sleep even if it is restless. However, it is nice to be able to thank God for Eli every late night/early morning that I'm still lying there. Of course I wish he was still here with us though. I miss him like crazy. I miss thinking about how our family of five would interact with each other. I miss wondering what the perfect name for our baby would be. I know his perfect name. I know that as a family of five all we get to do is talk about baby Eli and look at his photographs and I still miss him... that will never change.

I'm curious to see where this major life change takes me. We were so surprised when we found out that we were pregnant with Eli. I'm very glad that I chose to embrace that change with joy and excitement because it was gone so fast. It would have been a tragedy to have spent much time worrying about how I was going to deal with this change and never enjoy the day dreaming about our future.

It's fair to say I'm in the deep end of the tide right now. I have to assume that it's because as I get a little further away from the numbness caused by the intense pain, it just becomes more real. Eli's not coming back to us. It's not some bad dream. It's just the way it is. It gets exhausting some days to try to stay positive about this change. The days keep coming and the sadness, for us, is still there. But the nature of tides is lovely, soon that weight will lift and I'll be above it again.

I'm thrilled that Eli never had to feel any of our worldly hurts, pain, loneliness... he was in the most warm, comfortable place he ever knew when he died. But, for me, it's a pretty uncomfortable place. Anyway, my hope for this change is that it's much like the seasons. I tend to look at the beginning of the changing seasons with such excitement so I'm hoping that soon the sun will start shining again so I can enjoy it and appreciate and grow from this change in my life.

Sigh...

*Sigh*... time keeps ticking, moving... sometimes without me it feels. The three week mark is rapidly approaching. I have come to terms with the reality of February 20th, that it's not some weird dream, that it's not someone else who I'm watching go through it. It's me... it's us.

Sometimes it feels like a really lonely place when dealing with a loss but I would so much rather be alone than have to watch K & R go through it too. It's really hard, to a point where there are no words for it... painful, to watch K play pretend. It's very healthy for her since it's the only way she knows how to process the information but it crushes my heart. She'll put a doll or animal under her clothes and talk about her baby. She'll say things like "I sure wish baby Eli was just pretending to be dead." She'll change in to dress up clothes but where she used to be a princess, now she says that she has to "get ready to go to the doctor so I can get my dead baby out." *sigh* I can't make it better for her. She knows that Eli is in heaven. In fact, when I told her that we weren't going to get to have a baby this summer she just said "OK, well, the baby can keep your grandma company in Heaven then." That was it, end of discussion, back to coloring. But her thoughts still come to the surface on a daily basis. Thankfully, I don't have to watch R act it out as clearly but he will play with her, rub whatever she has under her shirt and say "Hi, baby!". His trucks will play together and then all of a sudden his "mommy truck" will start yelling "baby! baby! baby!"... ach, I hope this passes quickly. I have never had a big breakdown in front of them. There were a few rough days right after we came home from the hospital... fresh wounds on top of hormone crashes are not very pretty but at no point was I ever out of control. They were generally very silent tears. They both know that they have a baby brother in Heaven, I guess that's a start. This is certainly uncharted territory for me and I'm terrified that I'm screwing it up.

As much as it feels like time is moving without me, it also feels like I'm right there, plugging along. It's that whole parallel universe thing again. I'm aware that bills are coming up (though thankfully Jim handles them), holidays are approaching, company will be visiting... the first day of Spring will also be the 1 month mark of Eli's birth. How's that for poetic juxtaposition? I am totally aware that time moves on and that doesn't bother me. A part of me, a big part of me is really glad that the time keeps moving. It means that I'm that much closer to having genetic results. Next week would be a reasonable time frame for them to be available. I hope and pray that they give us some answers and some closure. I do get a bit sad however, thinking about how Eli should be getting bigger and older... and he's not. He will be forever a 16 week, 6 inch, 70 gram, beautiful memory.

Friends, in the 21st Century...

Friends, in the 21st century are certainly discovered in a different way aren't they? I have a few great friends who are physically around me but I also have a ton that I have never met in "real" life. I also have some who have moved but other than missing the physical hugs, they don't feel so far away. This is a great thing!

I get so many messages a day in my in-box that tell me how strong I am, how good my heart is, things like that make me blush. However, if it wasn't for these friends, I'm not sure where I would be in this journey. I have had to realize that mentally, I will never understand, in this lifetime, why things happen the way they do. Please also realize that I'm lumping select family into the friends category, the family that checks in are also my friends. I could expand on this further but I think everyone knows where I'm going with that thought... you know, the whole "you can't pick 'em" thing.

God knows what I need to hear, every single morning. After yesterday, when I crawled into bed last night I prayed for a little more... understanding, emotion, energy... just more. So, I thought it was pretty great when I had my daily e-votional (get it!?!) in my inbox. The title was "Good Morning, Lord!" The point was instead of waking up and thinking "Good Lord, Morning?!" you have the choice to wake and think "Good Morning, Lord!" It went on to talk about how we can take "bad" things that happen to us and sulk about it and be bitter or we can rejoice in that our trials are being used for something bigger. I narrowed in on Lamentations 3:22... "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail."

I want to feel. I think that's normal. Yesterday was a weird place for me as you know if you've read that entry. So today, I'm thankful. Thankful for my friends, for my family, for God's Word smacking me in the side of the head if I need it to... thankful that without much work at all today, I'm going to see an improvement in this messy living room! I'm thankful that my body seems to be healing itself for real this time, thankful that I have a beautiful old wooden end table to knock on as I type this, thankful that I haven't lost my sense of humor or my sense of compassion. I'm thankful that I did end up getting outside, with that "extra" hour of daylight and get the daisies moved as well as that poor dead hydrangea out. The hydrangea was a bit of a mental issue since it was planted after my grandpa's funeral almost 20 years ago. I just decided that we'll plant something else special in that place.

I am thankful that I can choose to be "better" instead of "bitter"... and that's all thanks to God and my friends. Yes, today I'm thankful...

OK...

It's kind of funny, to me at least... today I am ok. Not great. Not bad. Not mad. Not even really all that sad. It's a bit strange for me to just be "OK". I'm generally one of those high emotion people, so it's a weird place for me to just be ok.

The weather is relatively nice again today and I should be feeling a bit overwhelmed with things that I want to do but since my body isn't quite in that place where I can get everything accomplished I guess I'm allowing myself to be ok with it. I have yard work that I'd like to do (or at least have someone do), a few wild daisies that I want moved to a flower bed, a poor hydrangea that isn't going to come back to life that I would like out of another flower bed so I can put in a new one or an azalea or something else that is ok with a fair amount of shade. We also need to get some moss killer down on the lawn at some point in time. But, I'm not stressed out about yet I'm also not feeling like I just want to ignore it... again, I'm just ok with everything that should be done. The same can be said for the inside of the house. I have a mental list of what I would like to get done but I'm really ok with is just being the way it is for now. A very strange place for me to be.

I should also be really, really happy about a huge debt that we had, finally being all paid off... but again, I'm just feeling ok about it. I should be thrilled that we have excellent insurance coverage since the EOB's are already rolling in but I'm not. I am ok though. It's weird. I don't know if it's a coping mechanism right now, if it's because I'm just tired of being tired, if it's because I'm fighting a cold. So strange. I'm hoping that in the coming days that I can experience a little more excitement and be a little more upset about things too... that would be more normal for me.

I realize that the old me probably won't ever exist again. I will be a new me and (surprise, surprise) I'm ok with that. If I can continue to deal with these crazy life changes, that will be a good thing.

Proof!

Here's the proof that Spring is trying to peek out here in the Pacific Northwest!

This morning I was feeling a bit weepy. For some reason, that's my weird time of day. It's probably because I wake with my dreams still on my mind and it's not like they're very peaceful dreams lately. Anyway, I was feeling groggy and a little down. I thought "Gee, here we are getting ready to Spring forward tomorrow and it's grey and rainy." Just about that time, the sun started to shine through the clouds so I decided to step outside for a few minutes. I looked down and realized that Spring was, indeed out there so I decided I'd document it for all of you still stuck under snow and ice.

Seeing the proof of life, that it continues on, even after the pounding rain last night, is certainly nice. It reminds me that Eli's death wasn't a dead end, it was just a fork in the road and I'm really glad that those roads will join again in the future.

Why?

Why?
Why me?
I, of course, find myself going "there" every so often.
I wonder why we would be blessed with a child, just to have him taken away.
I wonder why it was me.
I wonder why it is always so difficult for us to get and stay pregnant.
I wonder why this time we didn't even have to "try" to get pregnant.
I wonder why in the world I had to explain this to a 4 year old.
I could spend at least a whole day listing all the "whys" that have gone through my mind over the last 2+ weeks. But really, there is only one answer to all those questions...
Why not me?

There is some greater reason for why... I'm sure of that. I have to be! I do not enjoy the crushing pain that it has caused but I know there has to be a reason for it. I'm quite curious what that reason is because right now, of course, I can't fathom what it could possibly be. There has to be a reason for why Eli's heart stopped beating. It certainly wasn't for lack of being loved and wanted... that I know for sure.

Yesterday I came across the same scripture three times, in various lengths so I thought I'd share...

From Psalm 139

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

I find it somewhat comforting to know that it really doesn't matter what I did or didn't do. Eli was meant to come into our lives for 16 short weeks. He was meant to be delivered straight to heaven and then into my arms without a breath. I can't wait to know why.

Perspective...

Perspective.

I know that it's all about how I look at things.

I also know that God has given me the ability to choose how I look at things.

Yesterday's "drama" was so silly and was a huge wake-up call . I get to choose in which perspective I look at things.


This beautiful girl is exactly the same size that Eli was when he was born. She looks huge doesn't she? Kind of like the mark that Eli has left on my heart. She's a beautiful, 6 inch statuette that I received from my friend J. She looks larger because of the perspective from where you're looking at her. Unfortunately, J knows the pain that I feel but she was able to see through it and think of Eli and me. "Remember" showed up at my house on February 21st, her angel son's due date.

I love that I have been given the ability to decide about how I choose to look at things. I remember saying to one of my very favorite people, something along the lines of "if I go in and they do discover the worst, they'd better hand me some 'happy pills' because there's NO WAY that I'm going to be able to function..." Truth is at that point that was 100% fact. However, I decided to pray for some peace and there seemed to instantly be a turning point. No, the pain has not gone away. It doesn't mean that I don't care, it doesn't mean that I miss my baby any less than those who choose self pity and sorrow. However, if you've ever lifted weights you know that in order to get stronger, you have to fight through that pain, you have to go back and work at it each and every day. In time, that weight is no problem and you can lift heavier and heavier weights as you get stronger. You just make sure that you have your 'spotter' near you in case you overestimated your ability that day... your spotter will carry the weight that you can't and together, you succeed. Ummm... I'm glad I know who my spotter is!

So, I have had a lot of comments about the castings of Eli's feet. They really are incredible but even more incredible is really how tiny they are and yet, they are so perfect! So, with the thought of perspective on my mind, I thought I'd share another photo that I snapped a few days ago. This one really shows how tiny they are. Even at this size they have wrinkles and toe nails and have left a gigantic print on my heart. ...miss you baby boy!

Hair-apy...

OK... so, perhaps I needed to look at today as "hair-apy".

To put things back in perspective... it's. just. hair! My cousin B (well, she's not my cousin, she's Jim's cousin but I happily adopted all of his extended family a long time ago) anyway, she sent me a message where she proclaimed herself to be the queen of bad haircuts and that she could solve my problem in two words - flat. iron. It was pretty funny and made me laugh at myself... I don't think my problem was the haircut. I've played with it a bit now and put things back in perspective, it wasn't the haircut. It was the 4 hours that I had to listen to my thoughts, then to have them drowned out by people all around me complaining about children. It was sooooo not about the hair. The hair will grow back! So without further ado... here's the "do":

When I left the house this morning my hair was down to the middle of my back but like I said, I wanted it GONE! It's so not about the hair...

Tested...

Tested... that's me today.

Today was supposed to be a day for me. Yes, I realize that perhaps it was too soon, that I shouldn't have done it on Eli's 2 week "angel-versary", that maybe I should have started with something smaller. I didn't. I have been talking for three weeks about needing to get my hair cut. The other day I decided enough was enough and I had to get it done. It was getting way too long. So, I've spent days looking for photos to show what I wanted and finally had my mind made up. I also decided that I wasn't going to go as short as I was originally thinking... my friend M said something along the lines of "just make sure you don't get 'break up hair'." My appointment was at 11 am and I should have just cancelled it... I was feeling that way when I woke up, but I didn't. I went. I explained that I wanted something around my shoulders/collar bone, at the shortest, a loooong bob that looks like it's been 'growing out' for awhile and that it had to be terribly low maintenance and long enough to pull back into a ponytail. I even showed her a picture. So, she started cutting and by the time I realized what was happening, she ended up cutting it in a short shag. Gross. No offense to anyone out there, but I've been there, done that and grew it out because it made me feel like a boy.

This was supposed to be a day of healing for me, a day to help me feel better about myself... instead I got to listen to some woman go on and on, to a pregnant stylist, about how 'boy babies are the worst', 'they're so tough', blah, blah, blah... but how her girl was perfect, walking at 6 months, potty trained at 8 months, blah, blah, blah. I just couldn't listen to her flap her jaw any more so I kind of tuned out. Then my stylist asked about my family and I kept it short and sweet. A little while later she asked if we were going to have any more kids and I just flat out told her, "well, we just had a still born son 2 weeks ago today but hopefully some day we'll have a third live baby." She said she was sorry and continued to butcher er, cut my hair. Anyway, a short while later a young mom with twin girls, around a year old, came in. They were buckled into their mall stroller and the one in front started crying... mom just continued to read her 'Star' magazine, girl continued to squawk, mom continued to ignore her. The dad came back about FORTY-FIVE minutes later and mom's next words were... "Thank goodness, I can't stand screaming kids!" Ummm, hello woman, it was YOUR screaming kid and you totally ignored her! Of course the entire time she's crying, my chest is going crazy. It was not the relaxing afternoon I was looking forward to. I left 4 hours later, feeling far worse about myself than when I walked in. I don't like the hair cut at all, the color is just ok. I can't even pull it back to get it out of my face, can't tuck it behind my ears. I guess I can hope that it grows fast... which my hair doesn't and now without the pregnancy hormones in my system, it's going to grow even slower. So, I had high hopes for today but whatever.

On the bright side, the sun is shining. I should have just followed my gut instinct and cancelled the hair appointment and taken the kids to the zoo instead. Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it?

I hope to be back tomorrow with a better outlook and be glad to have today behind me. On the upside, if I survived today without a breakdown, including having to walk through the baby section at Nordstrom, there's probably nothing that I can't handle! ...I might have to borrow some of K's way too expensive Gymboree hair clips, Goodness knows she has lots to share and they're cute!

From Head to Toe...

From head to toe, we love this little guy so.


It's hard to believe that just two weeks ago the first of my induced contractions were starting. Not enough to make me uncomfortable but just enough to get my attention and keep reminding me that my whole world, as I knew it, was getting ready to change. Even though I was terrified about what was to come I also had a very surreal sense of peace. I have no doubt about where that peace came from. It came from the the thoughts and prayers that were streaming to God's ears. I lived through it and I continue to live but how I wish he was still here with me. I think it's fair to be a little selfish about that from time to time. It really does seem like it was so long ago and I'm not quite sure why that is. I have to wonder, in two more weeks how long ago it will seem... will it be one of those days that feels like it was just hours ago? Or will it be one of those days that feels like it was in another lifetime?

His hands... his hands will be forever ingrained in my mind. I'm not sure why it's his hands. Maybe because K and R look just like Jim and Eli, well, Eli clearly had MY hands. Maybe it's because his hands weren't bruised at all or because they had teeny tiny finger nails on them and that just blew me away. Maybe it's because that was an easy comparison to make, I was holding his hands in mine, it was undeniable how tiny he was. It's pretty impressive, the impact that a tiny 6" baby can have on your heart.

I often go to Eli's memory box to remind me of his tiny face and feet. Anyway, while I was up looking through his box this afternoon I decided, obviously, to take a photo of the castings of his feet. I can't help but daydream about where these feet would have gone, where they would have traveled and when they would have returned to us. These tiny castings are one of my favorite, tangible things, that I have. They are super delicate so they usually stay in the memory box but today they ventured out. I look at this picture and dream about kissing his sweet chubby little feet. That reality will have to wait for now and thinking about it really makes me miss him but I just have to remind myself that it's only temporary.

I also felt brave and decided to snap a photo of one of the pictures that our nurse took shortly after he was born. Had I felt more of that bravery during everything, I would have just asked her to bring him and the camera over and let me take them, but I wasn't. So, I had some Photoshop therapy this afternoon. I removed the flash marks on his perfect, tissue paper thin skin, brought back some of the color in the receiving blanket but tried to leave his skin tone alone. This is much the way I remember him... it's my reality and he's still a beautiful baby in my eyes.


Thank you for letting me share Eli. I have the greatest group of friends and family that, I think, anyone could hope and wish for. Each and every one of you speaks to a different part of my heart and feeds a different part of my soul. Whether you are half a world away, just down the road or "living in my computer"... I need you all for different reasons and again, thank you for being there. I don't think there's any way that I could do this on my own.

Hope...

... edited to add... while channel surfing in the car this morning, I landed on this song coming from a University radio station that we only receive when it's overcast. After posting this entry I still had the song in my head, and being that I was too lazy to go down to our basement and dig out the "old" Shaggy CD, I decided to Google it... the name of the song is: Hope!

It wasn't my intention to start each entry with a single word... it's just kind of worked out that way. I woke up this morning with the word "hope" on my heart. I had hope that I was going to be able to drive for the first time in 2 weeks without incident, I've been very weak since Eli's birth due to blood loss. I had hope that I was going to be able to make it through the kids' dentist appointments without a meltdown. I had hope that today would be a bit more productive than yesterday. Each and every day there is room for hope.

Main Entry: 1hope
Pronunciation: \ˈhōp\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): hoped; hop·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hopian; akin to Middle High German hoffen to hope
Date: before 12th century
intransitive verb1: to cherish a desire with anticipation
2archaic : trust

"to cherish a desire with anticipation"... humm. To me, that means to have hope, there's anticipation and excitement along with the longing for something. I guess that's kind of the way I'm feeling today. I'm excited to see where my life goes next because, frankly, I didn't really like where I was 2 weeks ago. I mean, I can't imagine anyone liking being told that their child has passed, being checked in to a special room on the L&D floor, far back in the corner... a room with a nice big window, a bed, a tv, all the normal things that we've always had in any other L&D room but it was missing one very important item... the baby warmer. I spent most of the time there looking to my left, out the window and avoiding the right side where the warmer should have been. I didn't like where my head was at that point in time. From our room you could see the NICU rooms and we spent a lot of time hoping and praying for those babies too... getting excited about seeing the infant seats in the windows knowing that another family was that much closer to taking their baby home. I laid there praying that one of my other friends wasn't contracting anymore, 2500 miles away. I really wanted to just have a little bit of hope at that point in time. I would have loved to have been almost 30 weeks pregnant and trying to hold off labor, at least he would have had a fighting chance or, to be sitting in the NICU. At least I would have been able to hold my son and feel the life in him. For whatever reason though that wasn't our fate. I have hope that someday I'll see the rainbow and have some small understanding of why our story was written this way.

Oh, and in case you're wondering. We made it to the dentist and back, just fine. Eli was of course on my mind. I thought about how I couldn't have offered to hold little R on my lap for x-rays had I been pregnant. I thought about how the chair that I sat in while K got her teeth cleaned would have been really uncomfortable with the sciatic pain that I am "blessed" with during pregnancy. But, I didn't lose it. I didn't come unglued. I didn't cry. That doesn't mean that I don't miss him with all of my heart and soul but this is my new reality.

In addition to waking with the word "hope" on my mind, in one of the support groups that I belong to we've decided to focus on hope. Maybe I'm looking too hard for signs but the name of the group was inspired by the movie Hope Floats. The song that Jim and I danced to for our first dance after our wedding was "To Make You Feel My Love", which by the way, is the main song in the movie. It may be a stretch, but it's a comforting stretch.

I'm hopeful that my body will soon be healed and that my heart will soon follow. There will always be a scar there but I'll wear it proudly. Without hope, there is nothing.

Time...

That word keeps drifting in and out of my head today. Time. I wish I had had more of it with my son but in due time, I will have endless amounts of it with him. When you're pregnant, many days it seems like time just drags on and other days it seems to fly by. I am thankful that, with Eli, I tried to savor every ache, pain, wave of nausea, moment of heartburn, and the trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I didn't ever think "hurry up kid!" because we assumed that this would be our last pregnancy and I made a conscious decision to enjoy each and every part of it. Looking back, it seems like time really did fly. I suppose that's partly because I was already 6 weeks along before I realized that we were pregnant. But again, I am finding myself in that parallel universe where time can both drag on and fly at the same time.

Part of this problem is I know I'm being impatient. I want to hurry up and have my body heal. I want to hurry up and try to mend some of those fresh wounds on my heart and in my head. I want to hurry up and get my energy back so I can be the mom that my kids here need. I want to hurry up and have my crazy hormones back to a "normal" level. But, on the other had I want to remember every detail about my pregnancy with Eli, I want to remember the sensation of his kicks, the sound of his strong heart beat, the hopes and dreams that we had for our soon to be family of five. I want to remember his perfect profile on the ultrasound that I had just hours after he passed. I want to remember the weight of his tiny body as I held him and just stared at him in awe.

Only God knows why he blessed us for 16 weeks and then took Eli home. Only He knows when and IF He will bless us again with another child. Only He knows why I've been pregnant for nearly 114 weeks of my life to only have two living children. Anyway, the thought of time holds so many new meanings to me right now and they're never really in the same sense twice. I want it to hurry up, I want it to slow down. I guess I can have it both ways, it's just going to depend on how I choose to look at it.

Thanks...

I just wanted to make sure to take a moment to thank each and every one of you who have either left comments, messaged me privately, sent flowers, cards and/or gifts. I can feel strength coming from all of the thoughts and prayers but it's extra nice to know, without a doubt, that you are thinking of us. Just a quick note that says "hey, I'm thinking of you" can bring tears to my eyes but they're good tears... I promise.

Well, as I was suspecting, I woke up and yes, today is a new day. It's a new month. I'm not feeling great but I'm feeling and that's better than being numb. I'm actually hoping to be kind of productive today. I did get the house straightened up yesterday so I may actually get some cleaning done today. Exciting eh!?!

To shift gears a bit... you will find, after the loss of a pregnancy and/or child, that there's a large "underground network" of women in similar positions. Some would say that they're in the "same" position but I will not. No one will ever feel the same way I do, and I will never feel the same way that she does... who ever "she" is. But it does seem that "she" hurts worse than I do because her loss was later or earlier or her labor was longer or she didn't labor or her child was bruised or not recognizable or she didn't get pictures or her pictures were so good she couldn't believe the loss was real or because she got footprints and hand prints or she's left without anything. Keep in mind, these are supposed to be support networks. I know I'm still confused and kind of bitter that Eli isn't here with us but seriously, he's already running in the streets of Glory, how can that make me bitter? Some of these moms, who have become "pillars of strength" are so angry. It frustrates me that others who have experienced losses are looking to these bitter, angry women for support and strength. I think they would probably feel much more peace if they focused their eyes a little further beyond the here and now. I don't know, it's just something that has been eating at me for a day or two now.

Well, it feels better getting that off my chest. I don't wish for anyone to ever even have an idea of what I'm going through but the truth is that someone will, today they will be full of life and in a heartbeat, it'll be gone. It's her choice to either stand in the sunshine or curl up in the shade... I'm going to choose the sun.