$14,623.90 and counting...

$14,623.90 and counting... that's the total on the EOB's that I've received (to date) to NOT bring Eli home alive. That does not include my prenatal visits prior to him passing away or the genetic testing that we chose to have done in hopes of getting some sort of answer as to "why". It also doesn't include what it would have cost Amy to come and photograph Eli alive. Amy graciously donated her time and services as a photographer for NILMDTS. Some people bring their babies home in car seats, we brought ours home in an urn. It should be interesting to see the final total on this whole thing. Before anyone gets too concerned, we have excellent insurance thank God... really. For that, I am so very grateful.

I am trying to remember all the things that I am grateful for. That's probably the reason I seem to rehash that every few days. The things I put here are more concrete in my mind, it's kind of like saying it out loud. I'm grateful that I have two healthy kids, a ridiculously loving and patient husband, my health, a roof over my head, food in my pantry, money in the bank, safe vehicles that run and are paid for and those are just the physical things that I can see from my cozy sofa.

Things are going to be ok. It's just a simple fact that I have to remind myself of all the good in my life. It's hard not to get dragged back down a little bit every time I know someone is getting ready to start this journey of missing her baby. So many times it doesn't seem fair but I don't think life is about fair. It's about making something of what I've been given and being grateful for all of it. I have to remind myself that it's not about the "why" I have to go through it, it's about the "how" I choose to go through it.