Sigh...

*Sigh*... time keeps ticking, moving... sometimes without me it feels. The three week mark is rapidly approaching. I have come to terms with the reality of February 20th, that it's not some weird dream, that it's not someone else who I'm watching go through it. It's me... it's us.

Sometimes it feels like a really lonely place when dealing with a loss but I would so much rather be alone than have to watch K & R go through it too. It's really hard, to a point where there are no words for it... painful, to watch K play pretend. It's very healthy for her since it's the only way she knows how to process the information but it crushes my heart. She'll put a doll or animal under her clothes and talk about her baby. She'll say things like "I sure wish baby Eli was just pretending to be dead." She'll change in to dress up clothes but where she used to be a princess, now she says that she has to "get ready to go to the doctor so I can get my dead baby out." *sigh* I can't make it better for her. She knows that Eli is in heaven. In fact, when I told her that we weren't going to get to have a baby this summer she just said "OK, well, the baby can keep your grandma company in Heaven then." That was it, end of discussion, back to coloring. But her thoughts still come to the surface on a daily basis. Thankfully, I don't have to watch R act it out as clearly but he will play with her, rub whatever she has under her shirt and say "Hi, baby!". His trucks will play together and then all of a sudden his "mommy truck" will start yelling "baby! baby! baby!"... ach, I hope this passes quickly. I have never had a big breakdown in front of them. There were a few rough days right after we came home from the hospital... fresh wounds on top of hormone crashes are not very pretty but at no point was I ever out of control. They were generally very silent tears. They both know that they have a baby brother in Heaven, I guess that's a start. This is certainly uncharted territory for me and I'm terrified that I'm screwing it up.

As much as it feels like time is moving without me, it also feels like I'm right there, plugging along. It's that whole parallel universe thing again. I'm aware that bills are coming up (though thankfully Jim handles them), holidays are approaching, company will be visiting... the first day of Spring will also be the 1 month mark of Eli's birth. How's that for poetic juxtaposition? I am totally aware that time moves on and that doesn't bother me. A part of me, a big part of me is really glad that the time keeps moving. It means that I'm that much closer to having genetic results. Next week would be a reasonable time frame for them to be available. I hope and pray that they give us some answers and some closure. I do get a bit sad however, thinking about how Eli should be getting bigger and older... and he's not. He will be forever a 16 week, 6 inch, 70 gram, beautiful memory.