Good Grief...

... really, it's been good grief.

I am so thankful that I can be at a point where I feel ok with the grief. I will never not miss Eli but I'm ok with that and in fact, that makes me happy.

However, in being ok with missing him, I feel like somehow I am failing his memory. That first week, I thought for sure that I would be a blubbering mess. I was. I decided that I needed to get a grip on everything that I was going through and that it was ok to feel every emotion under the sun, all at the same time, and that provided some healing. Now that I feel like I'm really keeping my head above water, that somehow makes me sad too. Good grief...

I know I'm not really failing Eli and I think about him just as much as I did the day he was born, it's just in a different context and with different emotions. I need to be okay with the 'good grief.' Luckily, I think I'm getting there. Having Spring under way is helping, I'm sure. It's much easier to look out the windows and see even more signs of life than were there last week instead of the alternative. Hopefully soon we'll be able to start on the flower beds and that too will be therapeutic. Until then, I'm getting outside - between the rain and hail storms - to ponder the future and coincidentally, was visited by another hummingbird today as I stepped out for a quick breath of fresh air! Just a fleeting visit that still leaves a smile on my face - just like my son...