Why?

Why?
Why me?
I, of course, find myself going "there" every so often.
I wonder why we would be blessed with a child, just to have him taken away.
I wonder why it was me.
I wonder why it is always so difficult for us to get and stay pregnant.
I wonder why this time we didn't even have to "try" to get pregnant.
I wonder why in the world I had to explain this to a 4 year old.
I could spend at least a whole day listing all the "whys" that have gone through my mind over the last 2+ weeks. But really, there is only one answer to all those questions...
Why not me?

There is some greater reason for why... I'm sure of that. I have to be! I do not enjoy the crushing pain that it has caused but I know there has to be a reason for it. I'm quite curious what that reason is because right now, of course, I can't fathom what it could possibly be. There has to be a reason for why Eli's heart stopped beating. It certainly wasn't for lack of being loved and wanted... that I know for sure.

Yesterday I came across the same scripture three times, in various lengths so I thought I'd share...

From Psalm 139

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

I find it somewhat comforting to know that it really doesn't matter what I did or didn't do. Eli was meant to come into our lives for 16 short weeks. He was meant to be delivered straight to heaven and then into my arms without a breath. I can't wait to know why.