I've been spending less and less time online and while I've been pretty focused on my 365 project, I've let this blog slide quite a bit.
And I sit somewhere between feeling good about that and feeling guilty.
But as I browse the links to my baby-loss-momma-friends, most of whom I met surrounding the time we lost Eli, I see it's not just my blog that has slowed with the posts, especially those that relate directly to the intense feelings of the first year or so after the loss. I ended up blogging a bit more since I experienced multiple losses on the way to bringing Stella home but that first year is so raw and the writing is so cathartic. ...for me at least.
Seeing the last updated blogs listing "2 weeks ago", "3 months ago", "6 months ago" makes me smile. For all the times that I said "I won't ever get over this"... I was right. But I think I forgot to add "But I will get through this." I don't think it's something that I will ever get over but I have gotten through it. And I would prefer to get through it rather than over it anyway.
This weekend I attended the first baby shower that I've gone to since everything came crashing down around me. Not the first that I've been invited to, by far, but the first that I was physically and mentally able to attend. In part, because I had a "job". I was able to focus on helping decorate and then taking photos for the momma. I am really, really glad that I went and once I was there, it was so much easier than I thought it might be.
My goal for this summer is to find passion - doesn't matter what I'm working on, I want to do it with passion, otherwise, it seems such a waste!
