... because there is much more to the story... (referencing the entry below from last night)

The rest of the story is that as I was lying in bed last night with Karleigh and Rylan, I was spotting. I had been hoping and praying and having faith that maybe it was just "one of those things" and "totally normal". So, needless to say the short conversation hit me like a ton of bricks. It was not normal, nor just one of those things. The story is longer and includes nearly two weeks of pregnancy tests that were not steadily increasing in darkness, BBT's that were not remaining elevated and symptoms that would come and go. A virtual roller coaster once again but this time it was not brought on by medications or timing. My body did what it was supposed to the first half of the month, earlier than I expected (read: we were not trying) but once again something went wrong... for the eighth time, after the hope that maybe THIS was God's timing. Unbelievable really, but reality.

So, if you hadn't figured it out, that's where all the ranting and searching and debating over the last few weeks has come from. Plain and simple... I know He is with me. He has given me support beyond imagine with friends who have kept me in their prayers. They are feeling Him on my behalf but I'm still working on it right now. There is a peace with this. Either that or it's just numbness. It's hard to tell which it is right now. I never felt "right" about this one. I did look up the EDD but I didn't count out the weeks on my calender, or think about anything else much at all. I didn't call my OB or request Beta's. I left it in His hands. Self preservation perhaps, or God keeping me from getting too attached.

If you could pray for more peace and direction for our family, that would be great. I've turned the comments off for this entry because, well... because I can.

Let me set the scene for you: I'm lying in bed with Karleigh for some cuddle time tonight, Rylan slinks in and wedges himself between us flopping his arm across her.

K: You know, Rylan... Mommy almost had a third baby.
R: Uh, huh?
K: Yes, his name was Eli. There would have been plenty of room for him with us wouldn't there?
R: Uh, huh... I looooooove babies.
K: He went to Heaven instead. Don't you think mommy should have three children?
R: Uh, huh, the baby would fit right here (pats a spot between the two of them).

Talk about heartbreaking. If they only knew the whole story...

I figured I'd share a photo of what part of Eli's garden is looking like right now. I have spent quite a bit of time out there during the weather breaks over the last few days. Thinking. Working. Praying. I've rearranged some of the rock wall, added a couple of nice flat ones for the butterflies when they arrive, added a couple of annuals to brighten it up until everything else wakes back up and finished some weeding.

I am continuing to go through a valley where I'm really questioning God's plan for me. Not questioning that He knows what He is doing. Just His plan, as it pertains to me. That sounds self-centered doesn't it? People have chimed in and told me not to question or worry about what God's plan is. But after thinking about it, I think it's ok to question. I think that makes me more aware of what I'm going through, the things that I share here and the things that I don't. I think it will help me learn from my trials and hopefully allow me to open my heart even more.

As a parent I always try to make sure that I give the kids a run down of what they can expect. "Tomorrow we are going to get up early, have breakfast, and then we're going to run some errands... etc. etc." Oh how I wish my Heavenly Father would give me some heads up like that. But, that's not the way he works. We know there will be a beginning, an end and a wonderful eternal life but all that stuff in the middle is like him saying "you don't need to know all the errands, you just need to know that's what we're doing." *sigh* I'm emotionally exhausted but I'm trying my best to hand it all over to God.

I pray. I pray daily and many days mostly have a running dialogue with God if that makes sense? By the way, it's not always one-sided. But honestly at the very same time, I have trouble with prayer. I understand the need and the connection or constant thanksgiving but I'm not sure I believe that my prayers or someone elses prayers are really going to change the course of any given situation. That's one that I have just never been able to reconcile in my head. If He knew our days before we were formed... then He knew that I was going to (for example) have 7 pregnancy losses to date. So... my fervent, heaving, sobbing prayers for my doppler to be broken or there to be an error in my blood tests, or for it to just be harmless spotting... well, I don't know. I don't think that means that it's pointless to pray but I'm very conflicted about the whole concept and reality of prayer. I am not questioning God. I have faith that He still works miracles. I am questioning how we as human flesh have interpreted the word and have been taught. So, because God didn't answer my prayers the way I asked, then I didn't deserve that happy ending? No. I don't think that's the case but He knew that would be my prayer. I understand that there are miracles and answered prayers even if they are different than we can imagine. I also think about how flippantly someone says "you're in my prayers" and they don't really stop what they're doing and pray, they just say it because it's the "right" thing to do. I just want to understand it and frankly, it's tough not to get kind of jaded when I feel like prayer after prayer of mine gets stamped "denied" (and I'm not just talking about prayers where I include myself...). I can kind of start to see why people say "Why pray? God's going to do what He's going to do anyway..." I won't stop though. I still have too much hope that someday again I will receive an answer to my prayers. An answer where everyone will have to admit that was God's work.

Thanks for sticking with me through those rambling thoughts. And sincerely, thank you to those
of you who have prayed for us.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

I figured it was finally time to paint and fill the memory box that we purchased to hold our, tangible, Collin memories. It's very disappointing to see that everything fit with room to spare. Of course there are some mementos that we've been given that we have kept out but all of the pregnancy tests, sonograms, appointment cards, sympathy cards, hospital bracelets and the cloth with Collin's name embroidered on it are all packed away now in his memory box.
It is with mixed emotions that I finished this project. On one hand it's sad to have it feel like the final "thing" and on the other hand it's nice to know that I'm at a place where I'm OK with putting it away and can start to look forward to what ever is in store for us.

Fear Not

I'm certainly going through one of those phases right now. A dip. A high tide. A cloudy, foggy day. I know that that's all going to change but while I'm going through it, it's kind of a bummer.

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

THAT? Is a really good thing to come across when you're feeling, slightly, like a Who. So tiny in such a large world that I wonder, can my cry even be heard? It's hard for me to remember that I am just as heard with my single prayer as one little boy who is receiving thousands of prayers on his behalf. And he deserves them. But while praying yesterday, I have to admit, the question "is He even going to hear me?" popped up several times. I did not let it stop me and I continued but it was so nice to sit down at my computer today and see the above verse.


Today was one of "those" days. Let's see, first I woke up still exhausted, Jim left for work, I walked out of the living room and 15 seconds later I hear :


Oh no!


Oh mom!


We broke it!


He broke it!


It's broken!


*cue crying* (Karleigh and Rylan, not me!)


I have no idea what's going on other than there's crying and some thing's broken. It's pretty incredible how quick your mind can think before your body can even move. I continue to calmly think "Gee, the house is totally clean, there's nothing they could have really broken..."


Wrong.

Apparently, Rylan had stood up on the couch and went to jump and fall on his bottom. In the process, he also jumped backwards far enough that his head flung back and hit the window. Thankfully, he did not get cut. I did have to pick tiny pieces of glass out of his hair but no blood is always a good thing. By the way, nice spring weather we're having huh?

The window that I circled is the one that I will be replacing. Yah. I haven't gotten around to that yet today. We had a play date scheduled, here, less than a hour after this all happened. Hey mom? Isn't that the same window you broke with your shoe just before the pastor and his family were coming up to the house for dinner?!?!? ;) Anyway, it's too cold and wet to repair it yet. The temp needs to be over 40 degrees and it needs to be fairly dry... neither of which is going on right now. I have it taped up though to keep the cold air out and to keep any more pieces from breaking off. Yes, more broke apart after I snapped the picture this morning.

Oh well! I'm totally capable of fixing it, I just wish that I didn't have to. I have everything that I need. I got the "stuff" and called the local glass shop so I could get it cut so it's all ready to go once we get a break in the rain. The play date went great, we haven't seen these friends in about a year and a half. In that time kids have grown and they added a little guy to their family who was born but 3 weeks after Eli was due. It was really good to hold him and be totally ok with it. He wasn't Eli, he was just another little guy. It was a little weird to think about what things would have been like had it all gone differently. But, it didn't. It was still good to tickle his ribs, stroke his hair and rock him until he fell asleep though.

It's been a strange week and it's only Tuesday! Wonder what else is going to sneak up on us!?! Doesn't matter, I fear not!

A Sunday Night

Here it is, another Sunday night and it's been a few days since I've written anything. Truth of the matter is, I've been in quite a funk the last few days. I'm pms'ing big! time and I hate that. Usually, I can escape it fairly easily but *yay* not this go 'round I guess. I also detest the fact that even when we're not "trying" I get all edgy and irritated not because of hormones but because I can't shut my head up about the what if's and the fact that a "maybe baby" is always in the back of my mind. Grrr. I don't know why I thought that this would be any different than the last 9 1/2 years. Go figure!

At any rate, that's why I've been hiding. We've actually gotten a bit done lately. We hit up one of those home improvement stores and stocked up on some more plants. Only a handful have made it into the ground since the sunny weather was around while we were running the errands and then the rain, snow, sleet and hail has been going pretty strong since then. It will have to stop raining at some point and then we'll get them in the ground. I also have some more that I want to do to the beds out there. I'm feeling like it looks so beat up right now but then all I have to do is look back at the photos from last spring... and I feel better!

Karleigh and I did get out without the boys today. She had a birthday party to attend for one of her little friends. It was a wonderfully fun pony party... where 'pony' means there was one mini-horse and the rest were full size horses. She had a blast! She has respect for, but no fear of the horses which was great to see. She had a ton of fun and they rode for nearly an hour almost straight. They all took turns on the handful of horses that were brought out but it was, get on, go around, get down, get on another... which was the way it was set up. She did finally settle on a favorite though. A nice tall mare named Missy. It is quite possible that she enjoyed herself the most out of everyone. By the time they got to trotting at the end, her laugh filled the arena and she had the others all laughing too. She thought trotting was great. After the ride time they did a craft and they it was cake and present time! It was a really good afternoon and frankly, getting some time with the horses lifted my mood too. Oh yah, of course I crammed my camera in my purse =)

Karleigh and the birthday girl!....................................... Pucker up, pony!

A little bit of trepidation............................................... Nerves? All gone!

Waiting for another ride....................................... Making a new friend!

Mounting up!

Time to trot!

Thankful Thursday

I have a feeling that this Thankful Thursday is going to look a lot like Wordless Wednesday. That's ok though because, let's face it, sometimes we just don't feel like reading. We just say "bring on the pictures". So, here are my Thankful Thursday pics... not all from today. I wrestled with the kids on Monday to get a decent picture to send to grandpa for his birthday. The mission was to get a decent one of them... together... in weird changing light... far too close to what should have been nap time. That was an adventure! You'll see Rylan's opinion on the whole thing in just a bit!

This little girl was so calm. She filled up on some food and then hung out in the plum tree for quite a long while. She seemed just as curious about me as I was about her! Clearly, our weather was very different today. Nothing but wet clouds...

Wordless Wednesday... Pretty Much

Worst. Picture. Ever! Poor boy has antlers, not to mention the look on his face thanks to missing the tennis ball. Jim wanted me to make sure that I say... he's OK!

If you hang it... they will come!

At least four different types of hummingbirds stopped by today!

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day! No, I didn't spend the whole day cleaning, felt a bit like it though. After the kids napped we made that stuff below. Looks kind of gross doesn't it? But trust me...

these cookies turned out super yummy! The cuteness was a bonus. Plus? I got creative and dyed the sugar crystals! Look out, Martha!

Dinner was ready as soon as Jim walked in the door from work. A pretty predictable meal... corned beef, boiled potatoes, green beans, green apple juice and yes, the cookies made it to the table and to the mouths before dinner started!

All in all a pretty good day for us. We did some coloring sheets, some dot to dots and we talked about St. Patrick and how he used the three leaves of the clover to explain the Holy Trinity. A good day indeed!

Tackled It!

YAY! Nice and clean again. This room always gets much more use when it has fewer things in it. The good ol' stand-bys... dress-up clothes, train table, school/art table, cars, Lego's and Bilibos. Those are the basics that get used every day. The other things went back to their bedrooms or down to the basement play area. For some reason, they keep that space picked up?

And by the wonders of the crock-pot. I managed to be in two places at once... cooking and cleaning! Karleigh's taking some quiet time and coloring. Rylan's napping. I'm going to hop in the shower and then when he wakes up we'll make some green cookies! Yum!

Tackle It Tuesday

Just keeping it real here!

Two against one room

while I was doing dishes

Late Winter madness

Now, I'm counting on you to hold me accountable for cleaning up this mess! Oy!

Kid Signs

As I was surfing the "net" tonight, I came across horoscopes for children. Seriously, I do not believe in the whole horoscope thing but at the same time I do always find it interesting whether it be because of the whole power of suggestion thing or if it really does have a bit to do with personality. Perhaps that's because I'm a Gemini and I can't ever make up my mind! Anyway, here's the breakdown. If you know them, you'll find this pretty funny/accurate and if you don't... well, assume it's pretty accurate! ; )

Rylan - A Lover, Not a Fighter

Whenever there's tension in the house, your Libra son or daughter will switch into peacemaker mode. Libra children want everyone to get along, and conflict distresses them. If they're born into a noisy, expressive family, they'll have to learn to assert themselves in the midst of it, which can be very difficult for children of this sign.


In general, harmony is a primary concern of Libra children, and they'll do what they can to ensure it. This includes being affectionate with their parents, siblings, and friends.


Libra children instinctively understand the old saying about drawing flies with honey. They're sweet and naturally polite, but their urge to please everyone can lead to difficulties.


They may be indecisive -- worried that any decision they make could offend someone or cause hurt feelings. They also have a hard time stating their opinion in an assertive way, which means they could let their friends run all over them as they try to accommodate everyone.


On the brighter side, their innate social skills and strong sense of justice make them a fine friend. They also have a well-developed sense of balance and refined tastes even at an early age.


Natural negotiators, Libra children excel in bringing people together, creating compromise and seeking cooperation rather than conflict. As the parent of a Libra child, your job will include teaching him -- gently! -- that occasional disagreements are a natural, unavoidable part of life. Help him build his self-confidence and realize that being opinionated and assertive aren't the same as being offensive.

Karleigh - Geared for Success

Napping, pretending, playing dress-up or hide-and-seek -- these may not be high on your little Capricorn's agenda. This child is too driven to waste time on anything so frivolous!

Capricorn kids tend to be practical and reward-oriented from an early age, and they're willing to work hard for the results they seek. They might know early on what they want to be when they grow up. And if they're slow to develop or choose a particular interest, don't worry; Capricorns improve with age.


Capricorn children are planners. Success and approval are among their primary needs. They want other people to see how smart, hardworking, and competent they are, so be sure to reward your little Capricorn frequently.


Giving your Capricorn child an allowance and increasing it with each birthday is a good way to teach her about the value of money. Don't be surprised if she squirrels it away in her piggy bank and uses it only for the occasional, much-coveted purchase.


Your Capricorn child will make a wonderful older sibling, because this sign possesses a natural sense of responsibility. Try not to load her up with too much responsibility at a young age, however, no matter how well she seems to handle it. Even the most serious children need to play and have downtime!


Also, try to teach your child the benefits of flexibility. Otherwise, it's all too easy for your little Capricorn to slip into one rigid way of seeing and being in the world.

Fly on the Wall

After Karleigh finished sorting the laundry this afternoon...

K: [in a sing song voice] Woohoo! No need for mom-eeeee!
Me: What? No need for me?
K: Nope!
M: OK then.
K: See, I can do it all by myself. No need for you!
M: I see. You might have a hard time reaching the laundry detergent though.
K: Nope! There's a chair down there.
M: Hum...
K: See, absolutely no need for you! (pausing) Actually, can you please scratch my back right here?

Eh, at least I'm good for something!

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, a second post today for almost wordless Wednesday. Man, oh man what a difference just under 2 years (22 months...) can make

My auburn haired, blue eyed, chunky monkey baby is now a blond haired, green eyed, long and lean big boy.

...who still loves to get cozy!

Somewhere in the Middle

Hopefully the first song that starts playing on my play list (at the bottom of this page) is Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns. You know the way God works, you come across words that just "magically" speak to you and where you are at the moment. Clearly not magic but you know what I mean. This song totally sums it up for me. I've mentioned, quite a bit I think, that I'm feeling different. Content and yet, not. Lost but found. Happy and sad...


Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me


Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me


Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control


Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle


Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves


Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me


Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle


And just when I think I am alone and caught in the middle, He screams at me, "You are not alone!"

Jim brought the mail up this afternoon and between the High 5 magazines, and a CD renewal notice for Rylan (at least his 'portfolio' continues to grow), there was a padded envelope from one of my friends. Isn't this beautiful? There was a really sweet card with it too but sometimes the things that are said get to be mine. Obviously I took it outside (notice the sun!?!) to take a photo of it so I could try to share its beauty here. It's a heart made from beautiful pieces of shattered glass that are fused back together... perfect.



While I was out there, I kid you not (J, you will get goosebumps from this), the first hummingbird of spring buzzed by and hung out for a few minutes. I could hear him coming and thought "no way" but sure enough. He came right over to the garden from where I pulled the rock. The rock is packed with natural garnets, January's birthstone, conveniently. I forgot for a moment that I even had my camera with me. Of course when I went to snap a picture, it was directly into the sun and I ended up with a white frame. But the point was not for me to get a picture of the hummingbird. I don't believe in coincidences. I was outside with the kids today, looking, listening, thinking that the hummingbirds were overdue for their return. And then he showed up at just the right time. Just me. Just the sun. Just the necklace. Just the hummingbird. And God speaking loud and clear through a whisper.

Enjoy the Moments

If there is only one thing that I have learned from this life, it's that we need to enjoy the moments. All of them. Not just the big, fun ones but the small, tedious ones as well. I'm still learning to enjoy doing the dishes but it's a process... right?

Thanks to Heather and a few others, the complete quote that I was looking for is this:

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river

and he's not the same man.”
~Heraclitus of Ephesus

So, is that why things seem to be going a bit better this time? Could be. The experiences of last year allowed me a more peaceful place this year. Although, I still feel like I was more in-tune with everything that was going on last year. Last year I felt like I was walking more towards God, this year it feels more like he's carrying me instead. Last year there were lots of thoughts of "I can't believe THIS is MY life!" and this year it's more "Yup, this is my life!" Eh, I'm getting kind of rambly (apparently I just made that word up).

We had another snowy day today. And while it seems odd to have snow this time of year, it really isn't. I went back through some of my blog posts from last April and we actually had enough snow to make a huge snowman during the last half of the month so March isn't that shocking. You can also tell that even though it's snowy, it's not the frigid stuff we had in December. Needless to say, you have to enjoy it while you can because now, it's melting off. Um, never mind! I can see the snow swirling around and can hear it pounding the windows. Un-predictablness is the one predictability this time of year!

Here are the kiddos real quick while taking a break from sneaking bites of snow off the yard toy and before the virtual blizzard started!

I wonder if I have any like this from last year to see how much they've grown?

2 Months... again

I've used that title before. This time, it's for Collin. It's been two months since we said goodbye to him. I'm actually doing pretty ok with it which is nice. I have a friend, in one of my support groups online, who has the same edd. I would be 22 weeks 1 day pregnant. But, I'm not.

I've been continuing to focus on the projects around me which gives me a place to channel all the restless energy. We took 6 full bags of out-grown kid clothes to Goodwill on Wednesday. I packed up one big box to send to a friend in Michigan. We'll see where the rest ends up. I don't have the desire to have a garage or yard sale, though Karleigh really thinks we should! The "things" just sit and gather dust and get in the way of enjoying the other things around me. OK, not to a huge extent but just the thought of the things clutters my mind with thoughts of it not being used again or taking up space. It's complex. I have my list and I think I'll be posting the larger items on Craigslist for a couple weeks, maybe, and then anything left will be going to re-sale or Goodwill. I also figure, that getting several hundred dollars for the things that we have left will also help with that New Years Resolution to have all of our (stupid) revolving debt paid off by the end of the year. We should actually be able to accomplish that goal far before the end of the year. That's exciting to me, especially in this economy!

I've been kind of quiet. Not sure why. There are always things to talk about but I'm not really sure how to get all the thoughts down. I haven't had my camera out a whole lot the last few weeks so I don't even have pics to show. Life continues to continue though! Jim will be moving locations to open a new store in the area... yes, again, in this economy his sector and company continues to grow. Karleigh has another kindy open house, getting to know you type thing on Tuesday and in a couple weeks I'm taking Rylan in for his pre-school evaluation. Of course, seriously, like the day after I called he had another language explosion and is quite happy to show off all he knows, including his phone number, colors, counting, letters, letter sounds... I'm not concerned about him cognitively. at. all. but I am curious about his fine motor skills including his pronunciation. I don't have a lot to compare to though since Karleigh has always spoken quite well and when we were really involved in play groups, the kids were all quite a bit younger. I'll be glad to get a "professional" opinion from the school district instead of listening to the opinions of other parents.

That certainly went off on a bit of a tangent which is proof that I'm a bit closer to being back to "me". Again, not the same me, a different me but an OK me.

Did anyone catch ER the other night? Carter was relaying a proverb or quote at the end of it and I'd like to find it in its entirety. The gist of it was that "a man cannot stand in the same river twice because by the time he returns to stand in it again, the currents have changed the river so it is no longer the same." That really sums up what I've been trying to say when I mention that I've walked this path before but it's still different. I'd just like to have it written down in less scattered words.

Something New to Blame it on?

Hum!? Apparently I might have something else to blame my "funk" on!

According to this maybe it's just because of where I live! I don't fully believe that. I believe that you can create your own happiness and that you can also create your own sadness. Every day there is a choice to be made. Sit and wallow or get up and rejoice... even if it is after your first cup of coffee. Also, in case you're curious... right now it's sunny, I can see large patches of blue sky and no, it's not raining!

Oh yah, and I totally cannot imagine living anywhere else. Interestingly enough, PDX was also on the list (I recall it being #1) for best places in the US to raise a family. Go figure!

Inferior

There's a thing with the internet... it can easily hurt more than it helps. I'm not talking "Ouch! I just broke a nail on my shift key!" I'm talking "Gee, she has it all together and I suck." I was talking with one of my friends about that and how it's really easy to feel sub-par or inferior in your parenting, house keeping, personal experiences, yard design, personality, faith - the list can go on and on and on. The thing is that very few people have blogs, post on their message boards or email their friends about the things that they are struggling with. Generally these things are set up to be places to log accomplishments. There in, lies the problem.

On the other side of it, when you do come across a place where someone voices their weaknesses, people on the outside may tend to think that the author just needs to "Get over it, already!" That's not necessarily the case. Just because I talk about missing my babies doesn't mean that I am blurry eyed and depressed as I make my morning cup of coffee. I don't rub my empty belly every time I walk past a mirror. It's not like that. This is my place to express my weaknesses and if this is the only place that you get information about how I'm really doing, it might be a bit skewed. That's ok though. I'm just asking that you don't judge someone or yourself with the limited "knowledge" that the internet provides.

I'm not sure what brought on that tangent tonight. I've been looking online at decorating stuff, gardening stuff, parenting, homeschooling activities... and of course I always manage to find the people who have it all together. But, they usually have it together in the one area that they choose to write about. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and I guess it's important to remember that very few genuine people are going to be able to discuss colors, politics, breastfeeding, crock pot cooking, home repairs, barn stars, menstrual cycles, finance... you get the idea.

I need to reevaluate and decide where my highest priorities lie. And THAT'S where I need to focus my attention and that's where I need to work on being an expert. I'm tired of being an "expert" in trying to conceive, grief and everything that goes along with it. I know how to quickly dry up my milk when I don't have a baby to feed. I know how to chart my temps and how to adjust my meds when my docs won't. I know which releases need to be signed before surgery. I know what's normal and what's not. I spend a lot of my time sharing this knowledge with others in this ever growing community of which no one wants to be a member. But, is that the best use of me? I want to be the best "me" that I can be. I'm trying to figure out who God wants me to be.

Totally unrelated but I do think that I need to make an appointment with a general/family doc. I know I was complaining about my wrist bugging me after surgery... I still have a lump, about the size of a pea, in my wrist. It has moved slightly. It started out just above where my wrist bends - I'm assuming from where the end of the IV was - and now it's about an inch and a half further down my arm. It's darkish and moves and hurts if I push on it... so I don't do that often. But, it's not normal. It's nearing 8 weeks now so it should certainly be healed. Any insights?

A Fever

... and I have no idea how to cure it, or at to at least make it more bearable. I suppose if I knew what the fever was caused by, it might be easier to attack it, but I don't. The kitchen is done (except for the paint on the heater), the house is spotless (except for a bowl and spoon in the sink and then the basement... but the basement never counts!), the kids are asleep in bed, but I feel so restless. My cheeks are flushed, my ears are hot and my stomach is unsettled. There's something eating at me, keeping me from being able to relax and rest and it's driving me nuts. I still can't seem to fall asleep much before 1 am and it's usually closer to 2 most nights, er, mornings. I am someone who needs a LOT of sleep - always have, so 5 hours a night or so is not going to cut it. The big problem is... I have no idea how to settle myself and just calm down.

I'm not sure where I'm even going with this. My blogging is generally a stream of consciousness and actually getting it down in one spot usually helps me focus so we'll see if I end up with any great realizations. I'm sure that part of this funkiness is just the time of year. This time of year is pretty tough in the pacific northwest as it is and I'm still finding myself having little 'flashbacks' to last year along with dealing with the fresh thoughts of losing Collin and it all is just adding up again.

It's not all bad though, I just wish that I could feel a little bit more a peace with the way things are. And, it's not just the "deadbaby" issue or the "what now?" issue, it's a bunch of weird little things. Maybe it's just part of being a grownup though! I'm happy, I'm cheerful, I'm patient but I'm also tired and a bit agitated. I need to find that peace again. It was easier last year to just think about moving forward because we would just try again and have our rainbow baby... we now know that it doesn't work like that. We also have no idea what path we are going to attempt to take in the future either. I'm working on being ok with that.