Healing. Dealing. Dreaming...

... because there is much more to the story... (referencing the entry below from last night)

The rest of the story is that as I was lying in bed last night with Karleigh and Rylan, I was spotting. I had been hoping and praying and having faith that maybe it was just "one of those things" and "totally normal". So, needless to say the short conversation hit me like a ton of bricks. It was not normal, nor just one of those things. The story is longer and includes nearly two weeks of pregnancy tests that were not steadily increasing in darkness, BBT's that were not remaining elevated and symptoms that would come and go. A virtual roller coaster once again but this time it was not brought on by medications or timing. My body did what it was supposed to the first half of the month, earlier than I expected (read: we were not trying) but once again something went wrong... for the eighth time, after the hope that maybe THIS was God's timing. Unbelievable really, but reality.

So, if you hadn't figured it out, that's where all the ranting and searching and debating over the last few weeks has come from. Plain and simple... I know He is with me. He has given me support beyond imagine with friends who have kept me in their prayers. They are feeling Him on my behalf but I'm still working on it right now. There is a peace with this. Either that or it's just numbness. It's hard to tell which it is right now. I never felt "right" about this one. I did look up the EDD but I didn't count out the weeks on my calender, or think about anything else much at all. I didn't call my OB or request Beta's. I left it in His hands. Self preservation perhaps, or God keeping me from getting too attached.

If you could pray for more peace and direction for our family, that would be great. I've turned the comments off for this entry because, well... because I can.