A Fever

... and I have no idea how to cure it, or at to at least make it more bearable. I suppose if I knew what the fever was caused by, it might be easier to attack it, but I don't. The kitchen is done (except for the paint on the heater), the house is spotless (except for a bowl and spoon in the sink and then the basement... but the basement never counts!), the kids are asleep in bed, but I feel so restless. My cheeks are flushed, my ears are hot and my stomach is unsettled. There's something eating at me, keeping me from being able to relax and rest and it's driving me nuts. I still can't seem to fall asleep much before 1 am and it's usually closer to 2 most nights, er, mornings. I am someone who needs a LOT of sleep - always have, so 5 hours a night or so is not going to cut it. The big problem is... I have no idea how to settle myself and just calm down.

I'm not sure where I'm even going with this. My blogging is generally a stream of consciousness and actually getting it down in one spot usually helps me focus so we'll see if I end up with any great realizations. I'm sure that part of this funkiness is just the time of year. This time of year is pretty tough in the pacific northwest as it is and I'm still finding myself having little 'flashbacks' to last year along with dealing with the fresh thoughts of losing Collin and it all is just adding up again.

It's not all bad though, I just wish that I could feel a little bit more a peace with the way things are. And, it's not just the "deadbaby" issue or the "what now?" issue, it's a bunch of weird little things. Maybe it's just part of being a grownup though! I'm happy, I'm cheerful, I'm patient but I'm also tired and a bit agitated. I need to find that peace again. It was easier last year to just think about moving forward because we would just try again and have our rainbow baby... we now know that it doesn't work like that. We also have no idea what path we are going to attempt to take in the future either. I'm working on being ok with that.