So that's the preliminary word. Eli was perfect in every way except he isn't here with me. There seems to be no reason (thus far) for why his heart stopped beating. That's frustrating to me. I was hoping we would go in today and the results would show that there was something very wrong, that there was no way he could have lived outside of me, that it was just some freak occurrence, but for now, I do not have that. However, we could have told you that... we studied every inch of his tiny body over and over again, and he was just perfect and peaceful. He had perfect hands with long fingers that just had a way of crossing themselves across his chest.
The genetic results will not be available for about 3 weeks or so. That's going to seem like a long time but I hope for some sort of answer or reason before we decide which road to next take. My appointment this morning was very short, my blood pressure was great so once my blood count goes back up, I should start feeling stronger. My body seems to be healing much faster than my heart will but on this crazy roller coaster today is a dip in the ride. I woke up this morning knowing that I would be in a waiting room full of pregnant women - I was right. I was hoping to get some closure from the preliminary pathology - I didn't. Eli's ashes were supposed to be ready for us to pick up today - they weren't. So, yah, it's a dip in the ride. After we got home from the appointment, we received a call from one of our L&D nurse's, Darcy, that the professional photos of Eli were ready to pick up. I like her. She's about our age (with a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy) and I'll never forget that when she took Eli from us for the last time she said "...come on buddy...". I guess it's the little things and treating him like he was a tiny person ended up being a big thing to me. Jim had to go back in to town on his day off to fix a machine at work so he's going to pick the photos up on his way home. I'm very nervous to see them, excited but nervous. I'm afraid that they won't show my beautiful baby boy the same way that I saw him. Amy, the photographer, does stunning work though so I'm hopeful.
My thoughts are very jumbled today so until I get it together a bit more, that'll be it.
The genetic results will not be available for about 3 weeks or so. That's going to seem like a long time but I hope for some sort of answer or reason before we decide which road to next take. My appointment this morning was very short, my blood pressure was great so once my blood count goes back up, I should start feeling stronger. My body seems to be healing much faster than my heart will but on this crazy roller coaster today is a dip in the ride. I woke up this morning knowing that I would be in a waiting room full of pregnant women - I was right. I was hoping to get some closure from the preliminary pathology - I didn't. Eli's ashes were supposed to be ready for us to pick up today - they weren't. So, yah, it's a dip in the ride. After we got home from the appointment, we received a call from one of our L&D nurse's, Darcy, that the professional photos of Eli were ready to pick up. I like her. She's about our age (with a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy) and I'll never forget that when she took Eli from us for the last time she said "...come on buddy...". I guess it's the little things and treating him like he was a tiny person ended up being a big thing to me. Jim had to go back in to town on his day off to fix a machine at work so he's going to pick the photos up on his way home. I'm very nervous to see them, excited but nervous. I'm afraid that they won't show my beautiful baby boy the same way that I saw him. Amy, the photographer, does stunning work though so I'm hopeful.
My thoughts are very jumbled today so until I get it together a bit more, that'll be it.
3 comments:
Thinking of you always, Eli is perfect and I am so glad you have photos of him. Many hugs. Nothing I say can make it better, so I will just cry with you.
Kristi,
Hugs!!! I do think a blog, whether published online or not, is a wonderful place for you to go and say what you need to say. And as for the photos, I am glad you guys have them and I'm glad you had the chance to spend some time with Eli. I love the photo you posted. Its amazingly beautiful.
Christa
Oh Kristi I just saw you linked this on bbc and I read through and cried reading your entries. Thank you for sharing Eli's story and that single beautiful picture with us. I am so glad you have tangible memories of his short life even if it's just a picture. Many many many hugs. And prayers for your heart. May it heal in a way you never forget Eli but not always hurt as much as now.
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