Healing...

Well, my body seems to be healing itself. A big part of me feels really good about that but a little part of me is kind of sad about it. I guess it feels more "final" as I see the numbers on the scale reach my pre-pregnancy weight, my 'fat' pants getting too big, my bras fitting like normal, silly stuff like that. Those things are all reasons to celebrate after you have a baby but when you don't have your baby those things are all reminders of what you've lost. Well, it seems that way to me, at least. I have had lots of thoughts about Eli and all of them, very jumbled. Sleeping has been very strange. I would much rather sleep without dreaming right now. Luckily the dreams aren't near as disturbing as they were when I was in the hospital but they're still just not "right". I'll spare the details right now but I had a few dreams while in the hospital that will probably haunt me for life.

On a positive note, we did receive Eli's photos yesterday and they are beautiful, to us at least, and that's what matters. In the post below I took a quick pic of one of the photos and edited it slightly. It's a strange feeling, wanting to share Eli with everyone but knowing most people can't handle it.

I'm also thinking about a small garden spot in our yard this year for some plants and flowers... just a place where I can look and see life, something growing. However, that in itself almost makes me laugh. You would understand this if you know about our constant battle with deer in our yard. They.Eat. Everything! We have apple trees, yet they'll eat all of my snapdragons in one pass. We have pear trees, but they can plow down an entire bed of petunia's in no time flat. I've really got to wonder how that will impact my heart to put time, love and effort into a flower bed for Eli just to have it munched down. Not sure about that yet. I'm also hoping for some middle ground, a way to remember and heal without dwelling or dragging myself down. But seriously, deer, come on! You have 40 acres of lush green fields... please don't eat Eli's flowers.

Well, in the middle of these ramblings, the funeral home called. Eli's urn is ready. I'll be glad to have him home with us and have that last bit of physical "stuff" behind us. I've kind of been feeling like I should be taking a more spiritual approach to this journey but at this point... eh, I'm not. What has happened has not changed my beliefs or made me bitter... I'm sure that will come at some point in the grief process but not now.

I know I had some more random thoughts... that's kind of the way I've always been... so I'm sure I'll be back when the kiddos are napping with some more thoughts for today. It's nice to get them out and not having them tangle themselves together inside my brain and heart.