It's not you, it's me

It's why I've been quiet. I kept it 'real' before so I might as well continue...

The thing I feared most about finally having our "rainbow baby" seems to be raising its ugly head. And it's beyond humiliating to admit that after everything we went though to get her here I'm having a very hard time with it... not with her, just with everything else. I seem to have zero coping skills, anger quickly, sleeping is an issue both getting there and getting enough and with there being no other way to put it nicely, I'm generally pissed off most of the time. Just great.

For someone who hasn't been here before I'm feeling quite defeated. I should be happy and drowning in a sea of bliss with an adorable, happy baby in my arms. I have the baby part but the sea feels more like an abyss and then the guilt cycle starts. I know that I have friends* who would give anything to have their Rainbow. And I'm sure that there is already judgment being passed down because the high of the 'baby moon' is over. Feeling this way was acceptable when it was grief. Feeling like this... for no reason, is not. Especially to those around me who think I should just get over it or ride it out or it will pass or quit being a baby and suck it up. Nice. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror or hear the words that come out of my mouth or the tone of my voice, 90% of the time.

I feel like I'm being dragged in multiple directions... but I'm not really. I certainly don't have much on my plate. I have one job, maybe two... a mom and a wife and I feel like I'm pretty much sucking at both of those right now. Don't get me wrong, the kids are clean and fed and safe. Anyway, I could go on and on I suppose, trying to explain but since I don't understand it, I don't expect anyone else to.

I probably won't be back to post much here until I get through this because honestly, this part of it is not going to make me a better person or teach me any valuable lesson, it just sucks and I really don't feel like remembering much about it. I'll still continue to post on my 365 blog since it doesn't involve much emotion but here, here I can't seem to get away from it.

*Friends, in reality, is quite an exaggerated term. People who I've 'met' online would be more accurate though I consider them friends I have come to realize that the term "friend" is not always reciprocal. I tend to refer to people as "friends" because it takes less time to explain than "this person that posts on the same board as I do... oh, you don't know what an online board is? well, it's this place where..." or "this person that I knew in high school, um, 15 years ago..." or "this person that used to be part of the same playgroup..." so in really looking at it, I don't have many friends. I had a few people who I thought were good friends and most of them freaked and walked out a couple years ago. That was sad. I understand that it's awkward dealing with that kind of stuff over and over again but a real friend would have stuck it out. I also realize that I tend to think of being better friends with people than they actually see me as being. (boo-hoo, poor me right?) Again just keeping the picture clear.