Random Thoughts

I have had such a flood of random thoughts over the last few days. Many, likely, increased by breathing in paint fumes for most of the day and the having a lot of time with my thoughts. But I will say, Karleigh's room looks so clean and calm with the new color on the walls. Anyway, I guess there's still a lot more healing that needs to happen on my part. I'm still feeling particularly edgy which really isn't all that fun at all. And scatterbrained. And the drive to finish something, anything, is taking over me. I know, just like last year, it's all about control.

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Every time I turn around these days, it seems like someone else is announcing a pregnancy, a new baby, or two... or eight. Really? Eight? at once. Now, please don't take that the wrong way. I do not begrudge anyone a happy, healthy pregnancy. I would like one sometime again. It just stings my heart to watch nearly everyone moving forward with their lives while I'm living this surreal Groundhog's Day scene where I can't move forward. I can't believe that I was so naive to think that I wouldn't lose another pregnancy after Eli, let alone four. My blog address came from the blind faith that I would be blessed with a rainbow baby. A living rainbow baby. In a moment of desperation the other night, I actually prayed that we not conceive again if we're not to have a third child. I know there's no bargaining with God. Believe me. I know.

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Did you know it's just about impossible to find anything, in a regular brick and mortar store, to remember your baby? I went to town the other day with the hopes of gathering together a few things and a memory box for Collin and I couldn't find anything that I liked. Are you actually supposed to "like" anything like that? I came out of the store feeling totally defeated. Of course, I had the kids with me so I'm sure that distracted me a bit but it was really hard to find anything. If it was the right style, it was the wrong size. If it was the right size, it was an odd style. I know that I can pull something together but I was kind of hoping to get a few things and then get it all put away so I don't have to see the hospital bracelets, pregnancy tests, and Clomid bottles in the bathroom. Or the sonogram photos, the pocket calender with all the info and dates and appointment cards on the desk. They all need a place.

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There's been some discussion in Deadbabymommaland about pregnancy loss terms. These terms have been like nails on a chalkboard to me, for years now. I don't even know why labels are necessary. A hole is a hole. Round, square, deep, shallow, doesn't matter it's still a hole.There have been discussions about how miscarriages are easier to handle than stillbirths. I have friends who have all sorts of different experiences and I don't want to offend anyone at all but come on! Really? It gets into a whole messy situation since emotions and feelings and belief systems are involved. It's not black and white like that. At x number of weeks, you don't all of a sudden get a step up on the intensity of loss or right to grieve. There are women who at 22 weeks who have chosen to surgically terminate a pregnancy (viable or not) and they "get" to use the term stillbirth yet they never actually gave birth to their child - never held him - never looked at him - never had to physically hand him back to a nurse who would take his body to a cooler until the autopsy was complete and the funeral home picked him up. Yet I? Have "just" had miscarriages even though 3 times out of 7 my body chose not to miscarry my babies. Interesting to think about yet totally pointless to debate.

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I make people uncomfortable. Ok, well, maybe not me but my dead babies, er, miscarriages, er, losses. Whatever. People avoid me and since they don't know what to say, they don't say anything. That part? sucks. Because what more does someone who already feels broken and alone need? How about some more alone-ness! However, I've always been one to focus more on quality than quantity so I need to just let it not bug me. But it's hard. As the wise-beyond-her-years Kaylee said "It's been my experience that grief is a very powerful experience that can either bond you or break you from the people in your life." Luckily, this has not been a breaking point for Jim and me. There are so many who walk this walk of extreme loss and I thank God every day that we are not one of those couples that has polarized during this time. Sadly I sometimes think, 'well, sure we're ok, because this is our normal'.

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Obviously, it's a Thursday. I always find it interesting how my body and brain know the dates even when I try to keep myself blissfully unaware. It's been three weeks since our lives changed again, forever and we really had to say goodbye to Collin. But tomorrow is a new day. I will get up. I will do laundry and clean and do dishes. I'll have a cup of coffee and pick Karleigh up from pre-school. I will take care of my kids. Unfortunately, I'll probably yell more than I should. Then I'll apologize more than necessary. I'm not perfect. I'm not super-mom. I'm human. God made me that way and I'm trying to do the best I can right now.