All or Nothing...

Today is just one of those days. I am filled with both peace and anxiety, excitement and serenity. Those emotions are really wrestling with each other and it's a bit strange since I've been going through all of the emotions of grief, but it's usually one or the other. I have experienced the wild swinging back and forth but this feeling all of it at the same time is rather odd. I find that when I start experiencing those types of things that I can't really wrap my head around, I often end up flipping through the few photos of Eli that we have, setting up my camera and taking pictures of the pictures so that I can edit them and crop them differently (they do not scan well at all). It seems to be a trick to make me think that we actually have more photos of him than we do but whatever helps me "deal" right?


I know I've said it before but I am still so shocked, amazed and impressed by his perfect hands. I am not just saying "perfect" - they were. Dr. B called back today to confirm what the nurse had told me last week. Anatomically, he was perfect and frankly, chromosomal anomalies generally present themselves physically as well (which I already knew too). Dr.B seemed more concerned about my mental health at this point. He is just a genuine guy that has had to deal with his own losses as well. He knows our entire history and rejoiced with me when I showed up at his office, pregnant without medical help, just a month after my annual. He choked back tears when he once again, had to confirm that we had lost another baby. Anyway, he wished that he could give us more answers but he understood when I said, "it is what it is and knowing would not change the outcome." So, with that, it feels that we have arrived closer to the last chapter of THIS part of the story.


I believe that God has a plan for our family far beyond what I could imagine... pure and simple!