You Can't Always Believe Your Eyes

I would normally post a Wordless Wednesday for today but frankly, I don't really have any photos to share without a story. The weather lately has felt more like March than May. It's hard to believe it's 2009, May, or even Wednesday for that matter. This whole year is just going by so fast for me. For example, this picture of my sister-in-law and better yet, friend and me, is from January. I like it because you know what? the smile is real. No one else looking at it would know that I was still bleeding from losing Collin. Sure my face is a bit rounded out from 14 weeks of pregnancy but someone looking at me, probably wouldn't notice because you can't always believe your eyes.

That's the thing... you never know what someone is going through or has gone through by judging from the outside.
The grumpy old man.
Did his last friend, his dog, just get hit by a car?
The clueless lady standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle while you try to squeeze past her.
Did she just receive a breast cancer diagnosis?
The lady who was our waitress today, who said she didn't have any kids menus even though I saw them stacked up on the hostess station, who brought me raspberry tea instead of regular iced tea (who I asked "is this raspberry tea?" and was met with the answer "I don't know, what did you order?" "iced tea" "well, what do you have there?" "I'm not sure, what did you put in my glass, it just tastes like raspberry tea, that's all." Ugh.), who told me they didn't have any turkey for the sandwich I ordered, who brought my lunch in a spinach tortilla instead of the tomato that I requested after having to change my order, who didn't ring our coupon the first time.
Anyway, I actually hope she was just a really, really bad waitress nothing more, nothing less. But, you never know, you can't always believe your eyes.

After our late lunch/very early dinner we took the kids to see Monsters vs Aliens. It was a toss-up between that and Earth but they both wanted to see MvA so we went. We also grabbed our entertainment book before leaving the house and saved ourselves a whopping $14 on the tickets because, little did we know, it was a 3D showing of the movie! It was a cute movie and it was even cuter to watch the kids keep reaching out toward the screen and flinching when things "flew" towards them. Plus, they were the real glasses, not the flimsy plastic ones. So, we'll also be partaking in Up! in several weeks... coupon in hand. :) I did have to keep reminding Karleigh that she didn't need to flinch, there weren't things really coming out of the screen. She kept saying "But my eyes are telling me there ARE!" You just can't always believe your eyes.

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I also wanted to address a couple of comments that were left anonymously so I can't email my answers/thoughts to you. I totally agree with the addition the the "20 Things..." post. The addition of "Please don't tell me to be thankful for the children that I have. I am. I'm also grieving the children that I've lost and my living children don't make those holes go away." This one is so very true and is said by so many well meaning people but that was one thing that I hated to hear. I can't imagine saying to someone "I'm sorry your mom died, just be thankful for your dad." Um, right. That doesn't make the pain or the grief go away. It's such an odd comment to make when you think about it.

The other comment was asking about how I go on. Honestly? Some days, many days, I don't know. I can function again which feels great but there are things that are never going to be the same. Or at least it still feels like that to me. I have things that I have to do so I do them. I'm blessed with an insanely supportive husband which is such a Godsend because frankly, there are some issues that I know some guys couldn't handle. I see it over and over again in my on-line support groups. But the bottom line is that my faith is the reason that I function the way I do. I have been tested quite a bit in where I stand with my faith over the last couple of years and I do believe that part of those earlier tests set me up to be able to handle these more recent events. Thanks to someone who totally turned on me and started downright attacking my beliefs and belittling me for believing in God, I became more grounded in them and so when things really started feeling out of control 14 months ago I was at least in a grounded position to dirty my knees instead of starting out face down in the mud. I look forward to the day when my whole family is reunited. And if I'm wrong??? How bad would that really be? I've thought about that a lot over the last few months when I see people in a similar position say things like "I know I'm on God's shitlist..." yah, he doesn't have one of those. Or "It sucks because I'll never get to know that baby." Well, I believe that I will, it's just going to be a while.

It was really great to read my daily e-votional from yesterday I guess it was, because it said nearly the exact same thing that I think about all the time. Since it was a relatively short one, I'm just going to copy most of it over here.

Last week I was sitting with my granddaughter in a coffee shop. We were near a table where three men were cynically discussing religion. I think their comments were intended for my ears since I had witnessed to them about the Lord.

Professing to be wise, they were systematically tearing down churches, Christians, the Bible, repentance and justification by faith. These so-called wise men rested their eternal destiny on their good deeds or imagined intellect.

I have thought long and hard since hearing their conversation and have come to a few conclusions: What if they are right? What if the Bible is wrong and the necessity of repentance is wrong?

Here are my observations: I have never known a cynical person who is a happy or contented person. As a matter of fact they are the most miserable people I have ever met. They search for something to satisfy their inner longing but never are able to find it.

As I consider my own life and the life of other Christians, I see a vivid contrast. There is joy and contentment that the cynics can never experience. Even if there is no heaven to gain we have a joy that the world can never know. When faced with tragedy or pain we have the comfort that only God can give.

But what if these cynics are wrong? (I am convinced they are!) The tragic reality is that there is much more than the temporal feelings of this world at stake. There is eternity stretching out before us. The cynics will come face to face with the Judge of the universe who will pass eternal judgment against their failure to accept His wonderful offer of salvation.

Psalm 14:1-2
"The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. The LORD looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God."

So, yah, I could be wrong but I don't think I am. And frankly, even if I AM wrong and I have enjoyed this life with all its ups and downs to a greater extent and found far more peace than those who have no faith or belief in God... isn't that a whole lot of what God is right there?

Anyway, wow, that was a really, really, really long winded way of saying that my faith and my family are what keep me going. If I had to go this alone, I don't know what it would be like. And yah, even with all of that, I still have days that are harder than others. I do still get really focused on projects or hobby's or list making, studying, researching to try to keep my mind from wandering to the "would have beens" and instead, try to focus on the positive "what ares".