But for Just a Moment...

Look what visited us this morning in Eli's Garden!

For a few short days we realized that it was possible for us to get pregnant again. I realized that, although I had come to terms with the possibility of us being a family of four here on Earth and I was OK with "only" having two, my heart longs for three. It won't kill me if I don't have three, but I would really like it. For a moment, I realized that regardless of whether I have fear or not, God's hand controls His plan. I have realized, how does the saying go? ..."the only thing I have to fear is fear itself"...


I'm realizing that this was more than a chemical pregnancy though it's just a label, the end result is the same. Physically, it's nothing that a couple of Advil every few hours can't help control. I have realized that, yes, I was terrified of losing yet another pregnancy... this makes 4, but it's not going to totally derail me. Does that mean that I can handle another later term loss? Not sure. OK, I am sure that I would handle it, I wouldn't have a choice, but I don't know that I would want to keep going through that over and over again. The hardest part of losing Eli was the combination of the hormone crash and trying to explain it to Karleigh and Rylan. Watching them work through their own emotions which often has involved "dead babies" really bites. We don't hide the fact that Eli died but we also don't discuss it ad nauseam either. It's a part of our life that IS, but is not necessary to dwell upon.

It may seem, since I write every day, that he's all we talk about. That's not the case. In fact, most all of the discussion (quite one sided I must add) occurs right here at my finger tips. I find that during my quiet times during the day, that I try to wrangle up my thoughts so that I can get them a little bit under control to put down in black and white. This writing is so much different than if you were to ask me to compose a paper. I promise that a paper would flow much better, have proper punctuation, proper tenses and so on and so on. This is certainly not my best "work" but it's not supposed to be. It's merely my thoughts as they come spewing from my little scrambled brain, a brain that is a little more scrambled than it was yesterday morning.



I know that God's timing is perfect and His plan is perfect. I cannot pin down a reason for why I've been given the "opportunity" to go through and deal with all of this but it's all part of His plan.