Healing. Dealing. Dreaming...

My OB's office. That's where I'll be sitting in 12 hours, glaring at the receptionist who refused to budge and let me come in on Friday and who snipped "do you have a problem!?!" when I sighed in the phone, trying to hold back my tears before she put me on hold. Like I needed to deal with her, again, when making the I-think-my-baby's-dead call, again.

Of course, the weather isn't cooperating. I haven't moved out of my cozy chair much today but when I did take a peek outside, I noticed that it has snowed another 3 or so inches this evening. It is supposed to turn to rain but I don't know when. Jim said they talked about the weather on the news but I don't remember even watching the news tonight. Go figure. I will be not be rescheduling this appointment though. I need to know what the plan is. I don't know if they'll give me one "final" ultrasound or not. I had a dream last night that they did and it was all just a mistake. Wishful thinking though and it was very sad to come out of that dream.

I do thank each and every one of you who has logged in and left notes or sent me emails to let me know that you're thinking of us. It helps in not feeling so alone in all of this and having something new to read helps keep my mind busy. It's when I have nothing going on that it starts going to those strange places that I was hoping to never have to visit again. I have already started the purging of all the baby and kid stuff in my mind. There are some things that I want to keep but there are other things that I have been keeping for the "next" baby. I don't think there will be a "next" baby now. There are brand new things that were purchased for Eli and never used, some things that were only used for a short time by either Rylan or Karleigh and I just can't keep it all floating around in the various places in the house, closets and basement to taunt me when I turn around. It's time for much of this stuff to go. It's not a great time of year for re-sale, the dead-line for tax deductions has passed, I don't care. It needs to go. Yes, it's grief but it's my grief and I'll get rid of stuff if I want to. Um, yah, and it's about control too, I know, I don't have a lot of that right now.

I have had a chance to think about how I want... that's a funny choice of words... how I want to go about things so we'll see if I have the support of Dr.B tomorrow or not. I have certainly learned, quickly, not to get my hopes up or make too many plans in advance, so I am going to try to keep an open mind about the whole thing. I mean, bottom line is: the end result is the same, I come home empty handed and broken hearted. Again.