Anxiety...

The 2nd trimester is when most people get to relax and start to really dive into the pregnancy and baby plans.

Me?

Nope, anxiety has crept in, full force. You would think that with such a great scan the other day I would be a bit more calm but I'm not. I let myself get a little bit excited and started looking at baby stuff on-line the other day and now I'm feeling stupid for doing so. I went to check on baby's heart beat and mine is pounding so hard and so fast that I can't find his which, of course, leads to even more anxiety. He has been hiding out under one of my main uterine arteries lately, and he's hidden before but I am more anxious about it this time, by far. I also know that there's nothing I can do about it either way so my best option is prayer. I have an appointment with my OB on Wednesday so I'll know more then. But even then, I'll only know for that time being.

It's one of those places that you'll never know unless, sadly, you've been here. I'm sure there are people thinking "just relax, it's fine!" well, those people can't know that for sure can they? Anyway. I can tell you that I will be praying for lots of peace, for this little guy and for God to keep His hand on us. There's always this part of me that can't help but wonder if I'm going against God's will for our family by trying so hard to get, our wanted, baby number three here. I don't know. I was really hoping that 2009 would help bring a new feeling of hope and healing. Instead, it seems to be full of anxiety.