47...

I realized, while doing dishes this morning, that I have been pregnant for forty-seven weeks since Rylan was born. That seems like an incredibly long time to me. I also realized that from those forty-seven weeks, I didn't have a single belly picture. How sad.



After we lost Eli, I was going through my camera and as I came across the belly photos that I had taken with him, in a knee-jerk reaction of grief, I deleted them. That is the thing about digital - once it's gone, it's gone. In the days of film, I would have had a negative for when I came to my senses. However, there are other things that I have from Eli's pregnancy that I won't have from Collin's. I video taped Eli's heart beat on the doppler, we have actual photos of him, foot castings, foot prints... his ashes.



I won't have any of that with Collin.



I figured I had plenty of time to video his doppler readings. I didn't. I knew who we would use for a small session of maternity photos. We won't be scheduling that session. There will be no actual photos. Thankfully, I do have the pictures from our NT scan on the 31st. It's very therapeutic to have tangible items that remind me of my pregnancies. I guess it helps validate the fact that yes, there was a tiny person who we gave life to. I also realized that there's no reason that I couldn't take a belly photo now - I look the same as I did a week ago - and I can't go back and do it next week if I change my mind. So, while the kids were napping and Jim was at work, I did...


I am lucky to have the husband that I do. Looking at the photo you can probably see why I was glad that I found my old, new maternity clothes a few weeks ago. Anyway, I just can not bring myself to wear maternity clothes to the D&C on Thursday. Jim scoured the mall last night until he found a jog suit, a size up from normal, that I could wear and lounge around in. I had considered squeezing into the one pair of jeans that I can still, sort of, wear but then we remembered about the IV's that they hook you up to and realized that it would be an even more uncomfortable trip home. The extra fluid makes you pretty puffy. He also bought me new socks because it's the little things like that that make the situation a little bit more comfortable and every little bit helps.