Thanks...

I just wanted to make sure to take a moment to thank each and every one of you who have either left comments, messaged me privately, sent flowers, cards and/or gifts. I can feel strength coming from all of the thoughts and prayers but it's extra nice to know, without a doubt, that you are thinking of us. Just a quick note that says "hey, I'm thinking of you" can bring tears to my eyes but they're good tears... I promise.

Well, as I was suspecting, I woke up and yes, today is a new day. It's a new month. I'm not feeling great but I'm feeling and that's better than being numb. I'm actually hoping to be kind of productive today. I did get the house straightened up yesterday so I may actually get some cleaning done today. Exciting eh!?!

To shift gears a bit... you will find, after the loss of a pregnancy and/or child, that there's a large "underground network" of women in similar positions. Some would say that they're in the "same" position but I will not. No one will ever feel the same way I do, and I will never feel the same way that she does... who ever "she" is. But it does seem that "she" hurts worse than I do because her loss was later or earlier or her labor was longer or she didn't labor or her child was bruised or not recognizable or she didn't get pictures or her pictures were so good she couldn't believe the loss was real or because she got footprints and hand prints or she's left without anything. Keep in mind, these are supposed to be support networks. I know I'm still confused and kind of bitter that Eli isn't here with us but seriously, he's already running in the streets of Glory, how can that make me bitter? Some of these moms, who have become "pillars of strength" are so angry. It frustrates me that others who have experienced losses are looking to these bitter, angry women for support and strength. I think they would probably feel much more peace if they focused their eyes a little further beyond the here and now. I don't know, it's just something that has been eating at me for a day or two now.

Well, it feels better getting that off my chest. I don't wish for anyone to ever even have an idea of what I'm going through but the truth is that someone will, today they will be full of life and in a heartbeat, it'll be gone. It's her choice to either stand in the sunshine or curl up in the shade... I'm going to choose the sun.