Time...

That word keeps drifting in and out of my head today. Time. I wish I had had more of it with my son but in due time, I will have endless amounts of it with him. When you're pregnant, many days it seems like time just drags on and other days it seems to fly by. I am thankful that, with Eli, I tried to savor every ache, pain, wave of nausea, moment of heartburn, and the trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I didn't ever think "hurry up kid!" because we assumed that this would be our last pregnancy and I made a conscious decision to enjoy each and every part of it. Looking back, it seems like time really did fly. I suppose that's partly because I was already 6 weeks along before I realized that we were pregnant. But again, I am finding myself in that parallel universe where time can both drag on and fly at the same time.

Part of this problem is I know I'm being impatient. I want to hurry up and have my body heal. I want to hurry up and try to mend some of those fresh wounds on my heart and in my head. I want to hurry up and get my energy back so I can be the mom that my kids here need. I want to hurry up and have my crazy hormones back to a "normal" level. But, on the other had I want to remember every detail about my pregnancy with Eli, I want to remember the sensation of his kicks, the sound of his strong heart beat, the hopes and dreams that we had for our soon to be family of five. I want to remember his perfect profile on the ultrasound that I had just hours after he passed. I want to remember the weight of his tiny body as I held him and just stared at him in awe.

Only God knows why he blessed us for 16 weeks and then took Eli home. Only He knows when and IF He will bless us again with another child. Only He knows why I've been pregnant for nearly 114 weeks of my life to only have two living children. Anyway, the thought of time holds so many new meanings to me right now and they're never really in the same sense twice. I want it to hurry up, I want it to slow down. I guess I can have it both ways, it's just going to depend on how I choose to look at it.