Smacked Upside The Head...

I got smacked upside the head today in the most fabulous way!

It was something that made me cry and smile at the same time.

You see, I was trying to act "normal" today, keep my mind off things that I cannot control and be a bit productive at the same time (multi-tasking at its finest). Our office/guest room closet is pretty much my arch-nemesis. Everything seems to end up in that closet. That's also where my maternity clothes were so my first goal was to get those boxed up so they would quit laughing at me every time I opened the door. Next step was to gut the closet. Finally, having made quite a bit of progress, I came to yet another box. It held some things that I had cleaned out of my grandma and grandpa's little desk a year or so ago. And by "cleaned" I mean, just stuck in a box and moved it to another place in the house - out of sight, out of mind. I knew what was in there - old check books, bank statements, closed account notices from every time grandpa decided to switch banks. Anyway, I was quickly thumbing through each envelope before it went in a burn pile box. A tiny slip of paper fell out and on to the bed. It was folded in half and when I opened it I could tell it was grandma who had written it.

It reads: "Time and tide move on and we move with them or we find ourselves defending battlements that have been deserted, not only by our enemies, but by our friends as well."

Those words were written down and that paper was folded in half at least 20 years ago based on her handwriting and the dates on the envelopes that it fell from. Even knowing that those words were speaking very loudly to me, I consciously thought "no way..." and actually said out loud, "... not sure I believe I was MEANT to find that today." So, I folded it back up, set it on the end table and went to make my lunch. I heated my soup on the stove and sat down at my computer while it was warming. I opened my email and the e-votional in my in box was "BELIEVE!" - as if it was shouting at me. So, I opened it, read it about four times and yes I do believe that that note was written years ago for me to find it today. I've been having a rough few days, doing the questioning thing, being a bit angry and not letting things 'roll' like I normally would.

To quote several passages from the message today...

"Faith is always a choice. If we believers had to have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it would not be faith, but a rational action. Real faith requires us to step into the unknown and believe in Jesus because of what we read in His Word, not as a result of what we rationalize."

"As disciples of our Lord Jesus Christ, we need to come to the place in our spiritual life where we quit the impossible task of trying to figure things out. The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."

"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him. The choice is yours. I trust and pray that you make the third choice and that it will be your final answer!"

I have been saying all along that I have faith and hope and that I believe that there is a reason for all of this but I have always added the disclaimer "I just want to know what it is". I am working really hard to remind myself to remove that qualifier. I have to. I believe that God made sure that grandma wrote those words (which by the way, I can't seem to tie to anyone even with all the powers of Google), that she folded the paper and it ended up tucked in between some old bank statements. I believe that last year it didn't fall out when I put everything in the box because I wasn't meant to find and read it until today. It's all kind of overwhelming to know that God knew that my grandma would have a great grandson who wouldn't live to take a breath, a granddaughter who needed desperately to read those words but would question them and have the need to believe reaffirmed.

It all goes back to that passage from a week or so ago (that I had come across a number of times in the same day)

From Psalm 139
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

WOW!